Why don’t hurtful people stop hurting you? Why can’t they see the harm they are doing to the person they are supposed to care about?

Emotional abuse is insidious. It hides in plain sight but a lot of people can’t recognize it when it’s happening to them. The key to healing the emotionally abusive relationship relies on one question:

Can the emotional abuser change?

Healed Being is the most effective step-by-step program to help an emotionally abusive person stop the behaviors and give a damaged relationship the best chance at healing.

The reality is that most emotionally abusive people don’t seek help until the person they’re hurting has reached a breaking point, or what I call their “threshold.” That’s when the victim of emotional abuse has had enough and won’t allow any more hurtful behavior into their life. It’s often at this point where the victim of abusive behavior says (and means wholeheartedly): Stop, or I’m leaving.

Some emotional abusers can change, but only when they have the capacity for empathy and truly recognize how their behavior affects others.

When I was being emotionally abusive in my previous marriage, I didn’t realize my behavior was actually hurtful – I just thought it was necessary. I believed making the person I love feel bad was an appropriate step to facilitate positive change in the relationship.

Yes, I realize how bizarre and dysfunctional that sounds. I’ve come a long way from this type of thinking.

If someone is being emotionally abusive toward you and you want to know if they’ll ever change, ask them the following question:

“Do you realize that what you’re doing is hurting me?”

This question opens the door for honest reflection in a non-threatening way. It’s not an attack or accusation – it’s an invitation for them to look inward and connect with any old emotional wounds that might be driving their behavior. When you approach the topic this way, you’re giving them space to respond from a deeper, authentic place.

Many people who exhibit emotionally abusive behavior really don’t know what they don’t know about themselves. If they did, they’d realize that their behaviors ironically give them results they don’t want. In other words, if an abusive person wants love and connection, for example, they may try to control or manipulate the person they claim to care about to get that love and connection. But that behavior almost always drives people away.

Stopping the abusive behavior and healing becomes possible when they can finally see how their actions affect others and actually care about the impact they have on those people.

When you ask the question, “Do you realize you’re hurting me?” you’re creating a safe space for honest reflection without triggering a defensive reaction. It’s a gentle approach that allows them to maintain their dignity while examining their behavior through a new lens. Instead of feeling attacked, they have room to truly see how their actions affect you.

Think of it like approaching a dog that’s been previously mistreated. If you move too quickly or aggressively, they’ll recoil or become defensive. Similarly, someone who uses controlling or manipulative behavior often does so from a place of deep-seated fear or past trauma. When they feel cornered or threatened, their survival mechanisms kick in, leading to more harmful behavior.

Their coping mechanisms are like automatic responses – when they feel unsafe or challenged, they default to controlling behaviors to regain a sense of security. By asking this question with genuine care and curiosity, you’re bypassing those defensive triggers. You’re not forcing them to admit fault or demanding immediate change. Instead, you’re inviting them to look inside themselves and respond from a deeper place of truth inside of them.

They might still respond with what they think you want to hear. But even that response comes from a place of choice rather than defensiveness. Meaning, they feel like they have the choice to respond instead of react.

The key to a productive conversation is to maintain an emotional connection with them while allowing them to reach their own realizations about their behavior. When someone feels safe enough to be vulnerable, that’s when real change becomes possible.

Remember, emotionally abusive behavior is often a substitute for what they really want to do or say. By creating a non-threatening environment for them to communicate with you, you’re guiding them on a safer path of communication instead of one they might take if they feel threatened. Think of a deer caught in a barbed-wire fence. Even when someone is there to free them, they will react as if the person is there to harm them.

Before you write to me telling me, “I shouldn’t have to tiptoe around the subject of how they’re hurting me. I shouldn’t have to ‘guide them on a safe path’ to get them to stop hurting me. They should know to stop hurting me and stop hurting me!”

Right? I agree! And that is definitely a way to stop someone from hurting you. Just lay it out on the table and say, “Stop it or else.” And hopefully, they’ll stop.

What I’m talking about here, however, is when you’ve tried everything, and they still won’t stop. I doubt most people reading this are ready to give an ultimatum such as, “Stop hurting me, or else.” If you were, you probably wouldn’t need to read an article like this.

I’m assuming you’re here because you believe your relationship is worth salvaging, you care about the other person, and you want to try everything you can to make this work.

If that’s you, keep reading. If you aren’t interested in saving the relationship or believe it’s better to provide an ultimatum, just know that there are risks when you come to that point. One risk is that the relationship ends, and you move on with your life.

Sometimes, that needs to happen. Not all relationships have the ability to heal. When the hurtful behavior has gone too far for too long, it may be too late.

The other risk is that it may be too dangerous to communicate your needs. The person you are dealing with may be aggressive or violent. I’m not referring to aggressive or violent people in this article. But if you are with someone like that, then obviously, pick your battles wisely because it’s very risky to share with someone like that how they’re hurting you. Only you know just how much danger you may or may not be in, so please make decisions that keep you safe. (That might also mean starting to plan your exit from the relationship).

If you are in a relationship where more challenging conversations are possible, the most effective approach to someone who is hurting you is to come from a place of love, saying something like, “I love you. Do you know what you’re doing is hurting me?”

Their response will reveal critical information about their awareness and intentions. They might even say they didn’t know they were hurting you. Or, unfortunately, they could admit they knew what they were doing all along.

If someone admits they know they’re hurting you, that’s something you can’t and shouldn’t ignore!

It’s tempting to rationalize that kind of response by thinking, “Well, they’re still in my life, so they must care about me.” But this is denial. Someone who knowingly continues to hurt you isn’t showing love or care, regardless of what they might say.

When someone admits they’re aware of hurting you but continues the behavior anyway, it’s a serious red flag. It indicates you’re dealing with someone who might actually be dangerous – maybe not physically right now, but the potential exists. Sometimes, emotional abuse does escalate into other forms of abuse. That’s why it’s important to understand exactly what’s happening in your relationship.

When you get concrete evidence that someone knows they’re causing you pain and they choose to continue doing so, it’s time to make decisions that protect your well-being. This might mean creating distance, setting firm boundaries, or even leaving the relationship.

I’ve Told Them They Are Hurting Me. Now What?

If they said they didn’t know they were hurting you when you told them they were, the natural follow-up to the last question is:

“Now that you know that behavior hurts me, will you stop doing it?”

This question serves multiple purposes. First, it causes them to acknowledge their initial response. Second, it creates accountability for their future actions. It’s giving them ownership of the solution rather than you dictating the terms of that solution.

It may seem backward to help someone stop hurting you, but this approach allows them to recognize and address their behavior without feeling attacked (remember, we’re trying to keep them from becoming defensive).

The answers they give to the previous questions will reveal their true intentions and capacity for change. No doubt, there are those who might deflect or become defensive no matter how you word these questions. But there are also those who might genuinely acknowledge the need to work on themselves. That’s the best-case scenario.

In a healthy relationship, these questions can create a two-way dialogue where both people can express themselves openly. It’s not one person dominating the conversation while the other sits silently, feeling wrong about everything they say.

An emotionally abusive person (or anyone for that matter) who doesn’t want to hurt you should respond with something along the lines of, “I am so sorry for hurting you. I didn’t realize I was doing that. I need to stop doing that and figure out why I am that way.”

What Does Change In An Emotional Abuser Look Like?

Real change is only noticeable through consistent shifts in one’s behavior, not just empty promises.

When someone is truly committed to changing, they will become more aware of their emotional triggers. The person who used to withdraw love and affection to make the other person feel bad, for example, might catch themselves before they do that and say something like, “I would normally be silent and make you think you did something wrong, making you feel alone and unloved. But this time, I won’t. I have stuff to process, but I want to let you know even though I feel triggered, I am working on creating new behaviors.”

In other words, they’ll acknowledge the behavior they used to do and be honest about it. This won’t be easy. In fact, this may be one of the hardest steps they take because they have likely never been so vulnerable. They’ve kept control of their life by controlling others. Removing that component from their life is going to make them feel very exposed and emotionally naked. Emotional abuse kept them from feeling that way for probably all of their life.

This kind of honest, vulnerable communication shows they’re not just aware of their harmful patterns but actively working to replace them with healthier responses.

What if they say they know they’re hurting you?

I think an important question is, “Then why do you keep doing it? Why do you keep hurting me when you know you’re causing me pain?”

Their response will provide vital information about their mindset and intentions.

They might evade the question or claim ignorance with responses like, “I don’t know why I keep hurting you. It’s just what I do,” or “I don’t know where it comes from.”

Whether these answers are truthful or not, you need to press forward with the already familiar question, “Now that you know, will you please stop doing it?” Their answer to this direct question reveals exactly where you stand with them.

The questions I’m suggesting you ask create a clear path toward either healing or clarity. If you choose never to ask them, you might spend years hoping, waiting, and praying for change that may never come. Simply wishing for improvement usually leads nowhere. You need concrete data to make informed decisions about moving forward, either together or apart.

This questioning process eliminates the uncertainty that often plagues some relationships. Instead of relying on assumptions or hopes, you’re gathering real information that can guide your choices. Once you have this data, you can take action based on facts rather than confusion or wishful thinking. Your decisions become grounded in reality rather than what you hope might be true.

Remember, emotionally abusive people often won’t change until they face real consequences or reach their own realization. Having these direct conversations helps both of you understand exactly where things stand, allowing for either genuine change or necessary separation.

I realize facing these hard conversations can feel overwhelming. Many people avoid asking these difficult questions because they’re afraid of where the answers might lead. The truth can be uncomfortable, even painful, but making up stories about what might or might not happen only keeps you stuck in uncertainty.

You might just have to push through and ask the questions, knowing you could get a response you don’t want to hear. That might sound uncomfortable, but it’s important for your safety and well-being to understand exactly what you’re dealing with. Again, this doesn’t apply to aggressive or violent people. You should always pick your battles wisely.

The sad irony is that by the time an emotionally abusive person realizes they need to change, the victim of their behavior has often already reached their threshold. After enduring repeated hurt, they’ve finally found the strength to protect themselves, but they’re too emotionally exhausted to invest any more energy into saving the relationship.

The abusive pattern proves a crucial truth: hurtful behavior always creates distance, never closeness.

While I wish no one had to develop tolerance for bad behavior, it’s an unfortunate reality of many abusive relationships. Yet there’s a silver lining to this increased tolerance – it builds a remarkable resilience that proves just how much you can handle. You become stronger, even though you feel weak and powerless. You’ve proven to yourself that you survived this much, and if you can survive this, you can survive anything.

At the same time, you should not have had to deal with any kind of abuse. You deserve nothing less than respect and kindness.

If and when you finally have these difficult conversations, you will become very clear about your next best steps. The truth you learn, however uncomfortable, will be valuable no matter what you decide.

And here’s something vital to understand:

People who genuinely love you will support your path to happiness, even when that path might lead away from them.

This is what I learned after years of trying to control my relationships – real love means accepting and supporting someone for who they are, not who you want them to be.

When someone tries to control your choices through guilt, manipulation, or making you feel bad about your decisions, they’re showing you their desperation to maintain control, not love. True love gives freedom and choice. It supports your happiness, even if that means letting go.

I experienced this firsthand in my marriage when I kept trying to change my wife instead of accepting her. I made her feel bad for no reason except to shape her into the person I wanted her to be. I made her feel guilty and ashamed for not meeting my sky-high expectations.

It took losing that relationship to understand that love means wanting someone else’s happiness, even if their choices don’t align with what you want.

The people who truly care about you will celebrate your growth and support decisions that are healthy for you, even when those decisions are difficult. If someone isn’t happy when you make choices that improve your life or bring you joy, that’s a clear signal about their priorities – they’re more concerned with controlling you than supporting your well-being.

You deserve to be with people who want you to thrive, who encourage you to be authentic, and who make you feel safe being yourself. When you’re around someone who supports your happiness this way, you’ll notice you feel closer to them, you trust them more, and you want to be around them more. That’s what happens when someone gives you the freedom to be yourself instead of trying to mold you into who they think you should be.

Remember your worth and your right to make choices that serve your well-being. Those who love you will stand behind these choices, even when they’re hard. They’ll want you to live your life in a way that fulfills you and brings you joy.

Emotionally Abusive People Are Listening and Learning

A lot of different types of people reach out to me about their own hurtful behavior, acknowledging they treat loved ones badly. They recognize these patterns in themselves, which is actually the first crucial step toward change. When you truly love someone, hurting them goes against everything you want for the relationship.

Can emotional abusers change? Absolutely – but it requires both empathy and awareness.

The emotionally abusive person has to recognize how their behavior impacts others and then take concrete steps to address it, whether independently or with professional help.

If you are an emotionally abusive person reading this right now, remember the key is to work on yourself until you reach a point where triggers no longer control your actions. I know this from personal experience. I even created a program to help emotionally abusive people heal and change. It’s helped thousands.

If someone in your life wants to heal their emotionally abusive behaviors, they can sign up for the first four lessons for free:

I experienced the beginning of my healing transformation near the end of my previous marriage. I discovered my own behaviors when we were separated. Our separation gave me the time and space to reflect on the most important question I ever asked myself:

If I were the one causing all the problems in the relationship, what does that look like?

I never thought I was the problem. I always believed all she had to do was what I wanted her to do, and we’d both be happy. That toxic mindset was exactly what destroyed all of my relationships except for the one I’m in now (happily married and going strong over a decade as of this writing). I had to heal, or I would never have been able to keep anyone in my life.

When I started healing in my last marriage, I remember stopping the judgmental glares I gave my wife when she ate junk food. I stopped giving her the silent treatment when I was angry. I discovered all of these hurtful behaviors that I never thought were a problem. And one by one, I stopped doing them.

While I hadn’t completely eliminated all triggers during that marriage, I’d made significant progress in changing how I responded to my triggers. And since my wife had already reached her threshold by that point, our marriage didn’t survive. She was too hurt for too long. And she needed to move on without me. I supported her decision to do so, as much as it hurt.

Healing from being emotionally abusive takes time and dedication. As the abusive person heals, they might still feel triggered initially. But with time, reflection, and sometimes professional help, they learn to handle those feelings without taking them out on others.

This was my experience. I wasn’t instantly “cured,” but I developed healthier ways to cope with my emotions instead of using them as weapons against someone I loved. It was scary as hell healing from a lifetime of this kind of behavior because it meant changing who I was so used to being for so long.

This kind of healing and growth requires humility and vulnerability. One has to be willing to look honestly at their behavior and accept responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused. It means facing uncomfortable truths about yourself and committing to your own personal growth, no matter how challenging it is.

By the way, if you’ve not heard or read my story about my past bad behavior with my wife and previous partners, I recommend you read this article. I outline with all transparency my journey of healing from being an emotional abuser.

I’m fully open about my past behaviors. I’ve been on podcasts sharing how I was hurtful and manipulative to people I claimed to care about. I’m not proud of the person I was. But I know for a fact I’ll never be that person again. I feel so free to be rid of the burden of wanting to control others.

When I met Asha, my wife, I told her all about my past. She still can’t believe I was that person. But I do appreciate that she said, “If you were ever like that with me, I would have kicked your ass to the curb.”

Good! I would hope she would do exactly that. Who I was would have deserved that. I used to operate from a place of insecurity, fear, and desperation. And because I didn’t want to face those fears or admit my insecurities, I kept others believing it was their fault when the relationship didn’t work.

As I said, my marriage did not last because of my bad behavior. When she asked for a divorce, it was the wake-up call I needed, let alone the greatest accountability for what I did. I needed that ‘kick to the curb’ to realize that my behaviors weren’t acceptable or healthy.

When you try to control someone else, you actively destroy the love and connection between you.

This is painfully evident in relationships between narcissistic parents and their children. These children desperately want to love their parents, but the constant controlling, manipulative, and belittling behavior destroys both safety and trust. The child ends up in a confusing state of wanting parental love while simultaneously being hurt by the very person meant to provide it.

That’s why I strongly advocate for learning to parent yourself, especially if you’ve grown up in this type of environment. When you haven’t received the nurturing, support, and healthy love that should come from healthy parents, you need to develop these qualities within yourself. That means providing yourself with the emotional support and guidance you never received.

I understand this might not be easy. After all, how do you learn to parent yourself if you’ve never experienced healthy parenting?

When you have no positive reference points to draw from, it can feel like trying to build something without instructions or examples. If you weren’t raised with love, nurturing, and support, it’s challenging to know how to give these things to yourself.

But this internal work, though difficult, is essential for healing. It means developing self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to trust your own judgment. It means connecting with yourself, being with yourself, and practicing self-care – not just in the obvious ways but in the deeper emotional work of processing past hurts and understanding your needs.

Final Thoughts

Being around someone who shows no remorse for hurting you can gradually erode your standards for acceptable behavior. You might find yourself making excuses, focusing on small positives to justify staying – “At least they’re not hitting me” or “At least they’re good to the kids.” These justifications help you tolerate the intolerable, discounting serious problems by clinging to minimal benefits.

Some people get trapped in this pattern, accepting relationships that are harmful 98% of the time because they’ve convinced themselves that the 2% of good makes it worthwhile. It’s a dangerous mindset that keeps you stuck in harmful situations.

While empathetic emotional abusers can change when they recognize they’re causing harm, real change requires more than just promises or intentions. They must take concrete action. This means being humble enough to acknowledge their wrongdoing and recognize they could lose someone important to them.

I learned this through my own journey. Talking about doing the work and actually doing the work are two entirely different things. Empty promises about changing don’t count as change. Real transformation requires consistent effort and follow-through until there are visible results. When someone is genuinely changing, you will notice the hurtful behavior decreasing or stopping altogether. They will seem like an entirely different person.

The changes they make will become obvious. You’ll see fewer instances of manipulation, less controlling behavior, and respect for your boundaries. These improvements create a positive cycle – as the harmful behavior decreases, the relationship has space to heal and grow, assuming there is enough love in your heart to want that to happen.

When someone is working to stop hurtful behavior, they need to examine their intentions through critical questions. If you were in front of me and told me that you were uncertain if you were emotionally abusive or not, I would ask you the following questions:

Are you trying to control another person?
Are you focused only on your desired outcome regardless of others’ needs?
Are you manipulating someone into agreement?
Are you crafting situations or stories to achieve your goals?

That last question, as much as it may not seem like emotional abuse, is definitely a manipulation. One has to be really careful that they’re not doing some old, default behavior that causes them to want to control the other person. Manipulating them or the situation in any way just to make the other person say yes or comply with something is emotionally abusive behavior.

Remember these questions and make them a philosophy in your life to respect others even if it seems they’re hurting you or abusing you.

That doesn’t mean tolerating the behavior. It just means loving them while respecting yourself.

What that involves is letting them know exactly what they’re doing to you. You may be able to identify the exact behavior you’re experiencing (it can be difficult to spot specific emotionally abusive behaviors, especially one component of a pattern of behaviors that outlines a larger scope of abusive or psychologically damaging behavior), but you do know when what they do hurts.

You know when you feel bad about yourself.
You know that you’re experiencing something that doesn’t feel right.

Even saying, “Something doesn’t feel right. What you’re doing right now doesn’t feel right. It makes me feel bad. Do you know that you’re making me feel bad?” can be a way to enter a conversation when you’re not sure how they’re making you feel bad.

They may reply with, “I can’t make you feel anything. That’s up to you!” In which case, you could respond, “Well, your behavior helped to make me feel bad. Don’t you want me to feel good?”

Of course, you might have to get into a deeper conversation after that because a conscious manipulator (one who knows they’re being manipulative or abusive toward you) is going to want to argue or “win” the conversation with you regardless of how you feel.

Hopefully, you’re not in the situation I’ve described in this article. But if you are, maybe something I said here will be helpful to you.

Stay strong.