Some people just won’t stop being hurtful. Why won’t they stop? Are they just terrible people we have to accept and move on?
Power and control is their M.O. and it’s important for you to know why. For some there is hope. For others, well, it may take a lot more than hope to see change.
(cleaned up transcript follows):
*Note: I use the terms “abuser” and “victim” not to label anyone, but for brevity.
I hear from a lot of people who feel utterly alone in their struggles, feeling like no one truly understands what they’re going through. It’s heartening when they reach out to me, expressing how much it means to have someone put into words the chaos they’re enduring.
I recently received a lengthy letter from someone, and I want to acknowledge that person. I hear you. I validate your experience. You’re not going crazy. I say that at the end of every episode of Love and Abuse because it’s true: you’re not going crazy.
To the person who shared her thoughts and struggles, I understand. I feel the weight of what you’re going through. And let me assure you, your experience is not unique.
That was her question at the end of the letter—wondering if her ordeal was unique, if others have endured similar long-term manipulation and abuse. The unfortunate truth is, way too many people have been through it.
She described so many facets of abuse, including financial and even health abuse, with her very well-being at risk. When you’re with someone who controls you to the extent that you can’t do anything without the looming threat of abusive behavior, you’re in a perilous situation. You probably already know that, but in case you need to hear it again, it’s dangerous.
She mentioned she’s taking steps, or planning to, toward leaving that relationship, considering divorce, and hiring an attorney. That’s fantastic because you need someone on your side, someone to help you navigate what might seem impossible to tackle alone.
While I believe you can do it on your own, it can be incredibly hard with certain people. They will make it hard. You have to be cautious about who you’re dealing with, which means better planning. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it; it just means planning better.
Also, plan to be hurt. I hate to say that, but you should brace yourself for what’s coming. One thing that often happens is the smear campaign, where they tarnish your good name, your reputation, making you out to be the problem, the reason for all the negativity in the relationship. They paint themselves as the fragile victim.
When you’re involved with someone who sees themselves as the fragile victim, they spread that narrative like wildfire. Just know that’s coming, anticipate it, and plan for it.
The Abuser Will Make You Out To Be “The Bad Guy”
Mental preparation is key. That’s the first part of planning for when things go south. You need to mentally prepare yourself for when you’re ready (or getting ready) to leave a relationship like that. You have to be ready for the possibility that they will try to hurt you, crush you, and strip away what’s left of your power. They want to keep you powerless.
It’s strange, isn’t it? Why would someone who does behaviors that make it seem they dislike you want to keep you around just to continue hurting you? It’s bizarre when you think about it!
We could talk about the insecurities and fears of the emotionally abusive person. Many of them require what some might call a “supply,” like in narcissistic abuse, where the supply is the narcissist’s emotional sustenance. It’s a twisted dynamic, but it’s crucial to understand it as you navigate your way out of such a relationship.
In the twisted dynamics of emotionally abusive relationships, control is often the ultimate goal. The abuser feels satisfied and satiated when they can exert control over their partner, which provides them with a sense of power.
This power, in turn, feeds their deep-seated insecurities. By keeping their partner feeling insecure and powerless, the abuser maintains control, feeling more secure themselves. It’s a selfish pursuit of happiness that never truly satisfies. If they were genuinely happy, they wouldn’t feel the need to abuse.
For those who inflict harm to feel secure, the path to healing lies in addressing their own insecurities. They must embark on a personal journey of healing, doing it for themselves rather than for someone else.
When an abuser claims, “I’ll change for you,” it’s a red flag. It indicates they don’t truly believe they need to change. It’s often a temporary act meant to placate their partner and regain their favor, leading to a cycle where the victim feels trapped in a relationship with someone who hasn’t genuinely committed to change.
True change comes from self-awareness and accountability. When someone says, “I need to change because I need to heal,” it should be accompanied by concrete acknowledgments of their hurtful behavior. They should be able to articulate what they’ve done, recognize the impact of their actions, and express a genuine desire to work on those issues.
It’s not enough for the abusive person to promise change; it must be followed by tangible actions and honest reflections on their past (and current) behaviors. Beware of someone who merely goes through the motions, pretending to change just to restore the status quo.
And if you’re thinking it’d be great if things were like they used to be, I want to make sure you don’t focus on the past when everything seemed perfect. The truth is, you don’t want things to return to how they were, even if the beginning was filled with good times. Those initial good moments often mask underlying issues that got progressively worse, which then overwrote any positive experiences.
Abusive relationships often start with charm and even declarations of being soulmates, but this facade can be part of the abuser fitting into a mold they believe will be perfect for their partner.
Are They Doing This On Purpose?
It’s important to recognize that not all abusers are consciously manipulative. Many fall into old patterns learned in childhood, carrying unhealthy coping and survival skills into adult relationships. These patterns are deeply ingrained, often stemming from their own experiences of trauma or dysfunctional relationships. Understanding this can be crucial for the emotionally abusive person to navigate the complexities of their behaviors and seek a path to healing and change.
Growing up in an environment where silence was a survival mechanism taught me to keep my head down and my mouth shut. In a home where an alcoholic stepfather’s mood swings dictated the atmosphere, being quiet was my way of avoiding his wrath.
When he wasn’t drunk, he was a pleasant person, but once the alcohol took over, he became a different beast altogether. As a child, I quickly learned that silence was my shield. By staying out of sight and out of mind, I minimized the chances of provoking him. This became my norm, a learned behavior that followed me into my teenage years and adulthood.
When conflict arose in my later years, my instinct was to retreat into silence. It was a coping mechanism that had served me well in my youth, but it morphed into something more insidious in my adult relationships. I began using silence as a tool for control, a way to manipulate situations and people. If I was uncomfortable with something my partner did, even if there wasn’t a valid reason for my discomfort, I’d withdraw.
My silent treatment was the opposite of overt abusive behavior like aggression or name-calling; it was about emotional withdrawal. I’d disappear emotionally, leaving my partner in the dark, hoping they’d change to suit my comfort. This behavior wasn’t born out of malice but from a place of wanting to control my environment.
As a child, I felt powerless, constantly at the mercy of an unpredictable household. As an adult, I realized I had some control over my life, but I was using the only tools I knew—those old survival skills from childhood. These behaviors, rooted in fear and insecurity, became a way to exert power and control in relationships.
It’s crucial to understand that emotionally abusive behavior can stem from these childhood coping mechanisms. While overt abuse is easy to identify—name-calling, bullying, physical harm—the silent treatment is more covert, flying under the radar.
There are two types of silent treatment: one that induces guilt and another that’s about processing emotions.
The guilt-inducing silent treatment is manipulative. It’s when you withdraw to make the other person feel bad, to control them into doing what you want. It’s a child-learned state of mind, where crossing your arms and staying silent was a way to express your discontent or unhappiness as a child.
The adult version of the silent treatment is emotionally abusive, using silence as a weapon to induce suffering in others.
On the other hand, there’s another form of silent treatment that’s about processing emotions. This kind of silence is not about manipulation but taking time to understand what you’re feeling and why. This is often what the victim of emotional abuse has to do in order to process what’s happening in their relationship. However, when silence becomes a tool for control, it erodes relationships, creating distance and misunderstanding.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Understanding the roots of these behaviors allows us to address them, moving toward healthier ways of relating to those we care about. It’s about breaking free from the shadows of our past and learning to communicate openly and honestly without resorting to the silent treatment as a means of control.
The distinction between the two types of silence in relationships is crucial. On one hand, there’s the silent treatment used as an emotional weapon, intended to manipulate and control by inducing guilt or discomfort in the other person. This form of silence is about exerting power, making the other person feel bad in hopes that they will change their behavior. It’s a tactic often employed by those who have learned to equate control with security. In my past I used silence to make my partner feel guilty, to manipulate her into changing. It was a way to maintain power, even if I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time.
On the other hand, there’s the silence that comes from a place of reflection and processing. This isn’t about making someone else feel bad; it’s about taking the time to understand and process what just happened. It’s an inward journey, a moment to disconnect and reflect on your own thoughts and feelings.
When faced with confusion or contention, this kind of silence allows you to step back, assess the situation, and figure out your next steps. It’s about understanding yourself and your needs, not about controlling someone else.
This reflective silence is not truly a “silent treatment” in the manipulative sense. It’s a necessary pause for self-examination, a way to process emotions and thoughts without external interference. It’s about asking yourself questions like, “What did they mean by that?” or “How should I respond?” It’s a personal time-out to gain clarity and perspective.
The emotionally abusive silent treatment, however, is outwardly focused. It’s about making the other person feel bad and showing them your unhappiness with the hope that they will change to restore your sense of power.
For many who engage in the emotionally abusive silent treatment behavior, it’s not necessarily a calculated decision but rather an ingrained habit. It’s a learned response, a coping mechanism, often rooted in past experiences where controlling others equated to their own safety and happiness.
To break free from this cycle, emotionally abusive individuals must learn to be selfless. They need to understand the importance of sacrificing their need to control and desire to stay in power for the sake of a healthy relationship. This can be incredibly challenging to them, as the idea of relinquishing control can feel like facing a deep-seated fear akin to total devastation – a breakdown of their entire world. The fear of losing control can be so overwhelming that it feels like a threat to their very existence.
Many abusers may not even be aware of why they feel the need to control. It becomes a habitual action driven by a desire to avoid discomfort. They may not have considered what would happen if they stopped trying to control others. The thought process often doesn’t extend beyond the immediate need for control, leaving them unaware of the potential for growth and happiness that lies in letting go of that control.
Understanding these dynamics is essential for both the abuser and the victim. It requires a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths and to embrace vulnerability. It’s about recognizing that true happiness and fulfillment in relationships come not from control but from mutual respect, understanding, and genuine connection.
In the Healed Being program I run for emotionally abusive people who want to change, one of the pivotal questions we explore is: What would happen if what you feared happening came true? In other words, most people control and abuse others out of the fear that something bad will happen if they don’t control and abuse. I like to ask those doing emotionally abusive behaviors if they allowed things to unfold without their control, what do they believe will happen?
This is an important question for those who engage in hurtful behaviors. For example, “What would happen if you didn’t give the silent treatment?” Answering that question can be enlightening.
Questions like this often go unasked by many who find themselves entrenched in abusive patterns. The initial response might be, “I wouldn’t get what I want!” or maybe, “I can’t help it.” But I like to help them peel back the layers by asking what they believe they’ll lose if they relinquish control?
The typical answer might be simply “control” itself (not wanting to lose it). But then I’d follow that up with: But how is losing control truly detrimental to you? What will happen if you are not in control? The deeper we dig, the more we uncover.
Many abusive people believe if they let go of control it will lead to unhappiness. They believe happiness is achieved by having control over others. This realization can twist one’s understanding, as it implies that causing hurt is a pathway to personal happiness.
But this isn’t about logic. It’s about coercion, manipulation, and creating a scenario where the other person believes that compliance is their own choice. And this manipulation is disturbingly clever. It convinces you that the problem lies within you, and that you need to change – all to meet someone else’s one-sided terms.
The emotionally abusive person’s terms are crafted to keep them in control so that it feeds their insecurities. Their pursuit of power, control, and security, however, often yields the opposite of what is desired.
When emotionally abusive people realize that letting go of the desire to control others actually creates more happiness in their lives, the world will be a much better place.
What most abusers don’t understand, however, is that what they fear losing is usually not at risk until their behaviors put those things at risk!
For those who engage in hurtful behaviors, the challenge is to recognize that their quest for control is literally pushing away the very people they claim to care about. They’re creating their own chasm of feeling unloved and unsupported. Their belief that mutual happiness lies in the other person’s submission or compliance is illogical thinking.
Real happiness and connection come from letting go of control and embracing vulnerability. By stepping back from the need to control, you open the door to genuine connection and fulfillment.
When you’re tangled in the web of an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s easy to get lost in the illogical thinking that often drives the behavior of the abuser. They might believe that if you just comply, if you just do what they want, both of you will find happiness.
If They Loved Me, Why Would They Hurt Me?
Good question.
The truth is, even the abuser often struggles to answer that question. I’ve spoken to many who find it difficult to articulate why they act the way they do. Yet, this is exactly the question they need to confront. They need to explore the underlying reasons for their actions and understand why they would do something so damaging to someone they profess to care about.
The typical response is, “Because I believe I’m right.” However, if they truly examine the results of their actions, they’ll see that their approach is only driving a wedge between them and their loved ones.
This is why manipulation and control are never sustainable strategies for a healthy, long-term relationship. They inevitably lead to pushing people away.
If you are in this situation, I urge you to stay strong and take steps towards changing your circumstances. In my experience, abusive relationships don’t improve until one person changes. That person is usually the victim unfortunately. And that change might be taking a stand or leaving. When the abuser changes, it’s almost always because the victim has done just that: They’ve had enough and will not take anymore of their bad behaviors.
If you are in a relationship, what is its trajectory? Has it improved over time? Is it getting progressively worse? If the trend isn’t moving upward, then it’s likely to continue on its current path – What happened last week will happen next week and so on.
Even if there is some progress in the relationship, how significant is it? Is it a slow crawl or a noticeable improvement each day? In a truly healing relationship, you should see incremental progress daily. If not, you’re likely dealing with a pattern of stagnation or decline. It’s like a trend line in a corporate meeting showing profit and loss. Where is your relationship trend line headed?
Accepting the reality of your trend line empowers you to make the best decisions for yourself and everyone involved. When you decide you’ve had enough and won’t take anymore abusive behaviors, that’s often the point of change as it sends a clear message to the abuser that their behavior is intolerable, unhealthy, and unsustainable for a long-term relationship. This decision empowers you and forces the abuser to finally reflect on their actions as sort of a last-chance opportunity for them. It signals to them how serious you are about not accepting those behaviors any longer.
Of course, I say this with the disclaimer: Pick your battles wisely. I wouldn’t expect you to do get into any conflict with a dangerous person. All abuse can be dangerous, yes, but only you know just how much danger you may be in. So please be aware that sometimes taking a stand can bring out aggression in some people.
Please Stop. It Hurts.
Asking someone to stop hurting you is a healthy request in a relationship. It should be a given! But when those pleas are ignored, it becomes clear that the abuser doesn’t perceive any real accountability for their actions. They might not believe the full truth of your words, thinking, “If you were really serious, you wouldn’t still be here.”
This is a struggle many victims face. They voice their discomfort yet receive apologies, denials, or invalidations in return. When there’s no accountability—no emotional consequence for the abuser’s actions—the behavior will very likely persist. The abuser sees no reason to stop because the victim remains in their life, leading them to believe the threats were empty. “If you don’t stop, I’ll leave” becomes a hollow promise when there’s no follow-through. If you say anything like that more than once and you don’t follow through, making them accountable for their behaviors, you inadvertently train them that there is no reason to stop hurting you (even though it would make sense they’d stop simply because they don’t want to hurt you).
Kind, caring people often give others the benefit of the doubt, hoping they change. They remember the good parts, the moments that made us feel special. But as those moments fade, we’re left feeling hurt, unsupported, and wondering where the person we once loved went. This is why it’s crucial for the abuser to understand when you’re serious about setting boundaries.
This doesn’t mean engaging in dangerous confrontations, especially if there’s a risk of physical harm. Choose your battles wisely. The goal is to communicate clearly: “I’m serious. I don’t want this behavior anymore. If it continues, I can’t be around you.” This might be the direction you decide to take, or it might not. It’s a personal decision that requires assessing your own relationship dynamics.
Having these conversations can be tough, but they’re necessary for establishing personal boundaries—what you will and won’t accept in your life. For instance, you might decide, “I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.” That doesn’t mean disrespect won’t happen, but it sets a standard for how you choose to respond. If someone crosses that line, like a rude stranger in a grocery store, you might simply decide to move on without engaging further.
In relationships, sometimes we try to adapt, accommodate, and make peace. But when those efforts fail, you have to reflect on whether it’s worth continuing with someone who doesn’t change despite knowing they hurt you. It’s a tough decision, but one that ultimately protects your well-being.
The journey from being emotionally abusive to becoming a healed, changed person is not only possible but happens more often than you might think. Witnessing someone who was once emotionally abusive transform into a completely different person can be nothing short of remarkable. They undergo such a profound change that those around them might not even recognize them. Their personality shifts, their demeanor alters, and they begin to show up in the world in a way that prompts others to notice and say, “You’ve changed.”
Healing for an emotionally abusive person is real and achievable, but it requires a significant shift. They must move away from a selfish mindset and embrace sacrifice, vulnerability, humility, and the relinquishment of control. It’s about looking inward rather than outward, focusing on personal change rather than expecting others to change for them. When they reach this point, when they decide to change because they no longer want to hurt those they care about, there’s a real chance for transformation.
Some relationships can survive this transition, while others may not. It largely depends on whether the person who has been hurt still has love left to give. If their heart has been sealed shut, if they’ve reached a threshold where they can no longer open themselves up to the possibility of being hurt again, the chances of rekindling that relationship are slim. Not impossible, but slim. This threshold is the breaking point, the moment when one decides they cannot take any more emotional pain. It’s a protective mechanism that kicks in to prevent further damage.
When someone reaches this threshold, they often shut their heart down, not to the world, but to the person who has hurt them. It’s a survival instinct, a way to preserve their sense of self and protect against further harm. But if the abuser is genuinely committed to healing for themselves, and if the victim has even a small amount of love left, there’s hope for the relationship to mend.
The reality is that many have endured emotionally abusive relationships for years, even decades. Yet, they find a way through it. There’s a resilience within us that rises up when things become unbearable, a threshold that says, “I’ve had enough.” This inner strength is what eventually leads us to make the changes necessary to protect ourselves and find happiness once again. Everyone has this threshold within them, and when it’s reached, it signals a turning point.
There’s a moment in life that many of us can remember vividly, a moment that reflects our own personal threshold. For me, it was when I was just ten years old, sitting at a table, engrossed in a magazine, when a so-called friend decided it was time to wrestle. As young boys often do, wrestling was a common pastime, but that day, I was done. I had no interest in engaging, yet he persisted, pushing and slapping me, urging me to wrestle. I kept saying no, again and again, but he wouldn’t stop.
Then, something inside me shifted. I became a different person, and without a second thought, I got up and punched him in the mouth. Not a slap, but a full punch. He fell to the ground, clutching his mouth, while I calmly returned to my magazine. It was as if a switch had flipped inside me. The confrontation was over, and he left my house. The next day, he returned, and his mom offered to take us out for Chinese food. It seemed he had forgiven me or at least moved past it.
This incident was enlightening for me. It was one of those rare times in my life where I was pushed to my limit, to the point where I couldn’t take any more. Something changed inside of me, and I pushed back. Now, I’m not advocating for physical confrontation but rather illustrating that everyone has a threshold. There’s a point where you’ll be so done, so unwilling to accept anymore, that you’ll instinctively know what to do.
That threshold is inside of you, ready to be accessed if and when you need it. It’s a powerful force that doesn’t require preparation or forethought. When the time comes, you’ll know exactly what to do. It’s important to recognize this strength within you and to stay strong. Share this understanding with others who might benefit because knowing that you have this inner threshold can be incredibly empowering.
