Many emotional abuse victims believe they are at fault for the abuse as if there is something they did to bring it on.
The short answer is there is nothing you can do to prevent abusive behavior. You can’t prevent someone from wanting to hurt you.
You are not the cause of abusive or toxic behavior. You may, however, have certain qualities that people like this might take advantage of, like generosity, kindness, caring, and compassion.
These are wonderful traits that most of us want to see in our family members, friends, romantic partners, and coworkers. But toxic people will take advantage of these qualities in you and often treat you worse than they treat others precisely because of these positive traits.
There’s a complementary interaction that occurs when you’re with someone abusive, or conversely, when you’re the abusive one and the other person is kind and compassionate. This complementary quality in the other person can enable emotional abuse to manifest and persist.
The behavior may manifest as poisonous communication, toxic behavior, or anything that makes you feel bad, particularly about yourself.
Many toxic people feel better when others feel worse about themselves.
If you’re experiencing abusive behavior, it’s important to understand how you might find yourself involved with people who want you to feel this way. Kind, compassionate, and generous people often unknowingly complement toxic behavior.
For abusive or toxic behavior to exist, it needs a receiver on the other end. It’s like a formula:
Abuse is more impactful when the recipient is kind.
This doesn’t mean kindness is wrong. But when someone exploits that kindness, compassion, and caring nature, it creates a destructive formula that damages both people and the relationship.
When someone who’s consistently compassionate and forgiving allows toxic behavior to continue because of their caring nature, the cycle of dysfunction persists. The relationship can’t grow or improve because both people are locked into complementary roles.
It’s important to recognize if your behaviors might be attracting the opposite. For example, if you’re generally kind, honest, caring, appreciative, and respectful, these qualities can, unfortunately, act as a magnet for those seeking to control others.
Controllers often target people who are more open, receptive, and less inclined to see the bad in others. This especially applies to optimistic people with a positive outlook who might be in slight denial, reluctant to acknowledge others’ negative qualities.
Optimistic people maintain hope that toxic individuals will eventually heal and improve. This positive outlook, while admirable, can be exactly what controlling, manipulative people exploit. It’s not exactly a yin-yang dynamic, but there’s definitely an attraction pattern. But rather than like-attracting-like, the opposing qualities draw each other together. This abuse formula plays out in many relationships.
In my own experience, when I started dating when I was young, I connected with incredibly kind, generous women. As these relationships deepened, my unhealed, toxic side emerged because I wanted to control them. I felt like I needed them to do what I wanted so I wouldn’t have to face my own fears, vulnerabilities, and emotions.
Unfortunately, I believed controlling my romantic partners was easier than accepting them because I felt entitled to get what I wanted. I found subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle ways to control those I was supposed to love.
In my previous marriage, I found ways to make my partner feel guilty until she changed to meet my standards. It was a horrible way to treat someone you were supposed to make feel cherished.
I destroyed my previous relationships. I crushed their spirits. They lost their zest for life – their spark, their motivation. My ex-wife spent the last year and a half of our marriage mostly depressed. And I blamed her, wondering what was wrong with her.
I never turned that scrutiny onto myself. I never considered how my constant judgments, severe silent treatments, withdrawal of love, and consistent guilt trips affected her. Looking back, I think, ‘Here was someone who had committed to a lifetime with me, believing I would be supportive, loving, caring, and generous (like she was), all qualities she thought she saw in me, and I treated her horribly.’
Sometimes, I did express my compassion, caring, and kindness. Those qualities were genuinely part of me back then, just as they are today. But I needed a ton of healing. I needed to admit I was toxic and abusive. And near the end of that marriage, I started my healing journey. It required intensive work. But I finally moved past the harmful behaviors and started showing up more healed every day.
This transformation is possible for others who engage in emotionally abusive behavior. But they have to want to heal. They have to admit they have a problem and stop seeing others as the cause of their problems. They have to humbly admit that who they’ve been needs to go through a massive change so they never hurt anyone else again.
Some of those on the receiving end of emotional abuse believe that the abuser can change. They’ve seen the good behaviors come out. They remember who that person was near the beginning of the relationship. And because they’ve seen the good, they know with some work, that person might actually be able to heal and become a kind, caring, supportive person themselves.
Not all abusive people can change. Some will never, ever admit they have a problem. Some will go through life believing everyone else has issues but them.
In almost all cases, the perpetrator of hurtful behavior may never stop until they realize they will lose something important to them. Usually, that’s a relationship. When an abuser realizes they will lose a relationship unless they stop, that’s when you’re most likely to see them change.
But one thing is necessary in order for change to take place. This is an important qualifier of change in an abusive person:
The emotionally abusive person must have some capacity for empathy and compassion.
Those are fundamental ingredients for any healthy relationship. If a person doesn’t feel remorse for hurting you, there may be no hope for change. Is that true in every case? It may not be if the accountability is great enough (losing the relationship, for example).
Staying with someone who lacks empathy or can’t access it means remaining trapped in a dysfunctional cycle that never ends.
This cycle might look like this: You’re having a good day and desperately hope it lasts. And maybe it does. But the next day, everything turns awful, and you find yourself walking on eggshells again – that miserable, anxious, confused state, unable to figure out how to improve things or please the other person.
In this state of mind, you’re constantly trying harder to make sure things stay peaceful. You’re tip-toeing around sensitive subjects. And when they’re awful to you, you’re hoping they’ll recognize your pain and say, “I’m so sorry for hurting you. I don’t want to see you this way. I’ll get help.”
But without that recognition, the dysfunctional cycle just continues. It becomes this bipolar pattern with on and off days. And you become exhausted trying to figure out if this day will be better or worse than the last.
In order for the emotionally abusive person to change, they need to show you empathy and compassion. In many relationships, the abuser can actually have empathy and compassion toward others, but not their partner or whoever they’re hurting. They can show great empathy for their family or friends. But what truly matters is whether they extend that same kindness to you.
A test for empathy in another person is to ask yourself:
Do they feel genuine concern when I’m hurting? Do they care when I’m sad?
Pay attention to their responses. If you hear things like, “That’s your problem” or “If you’re feeling sad, that has nothing to do with me,” that’s not empathy. That’s blame-shifting, making you solely responsible for the problems while refusing to partner with you or offer support during difficult times.
Notice how they respond when you’re feeling down. Do they genuinely care about your emotional state? Does their behavior demonstrate support? It becomes especially complicated in relationships that swing between those bi-polar extremes I mentioned earlier. One day they might be incredibly attentive, doing everything possible to meet your needs, showing up in countless ways. The next, you are doing everything you can to keep it together while they make your life miserable.
When they are attentive and kind, it can feel quite gratifying after periods of toxic or abusive behavior. When they show this caring side, you might think, “They really do have this good nature within them.” And when you think that, you might start questioning your own judgments. i.e.,”Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t be so upset. Maybe I misunderstood the situation…”
This self-doubt creates a distorted view of reality, affecting your thought processes and decision-making abilities. It can feel like you are gaslighting yourself. You start obsessing about if and how you’re interpreting things. And eventually, you start to lose trust in yourself.
This erosion of self-trust leads to what many people describe when leaving emotionally abusive relationships: becoming a shell of their former selves.
It’s a “hollowing out” from the inside, leaving you completely drained. My partner experienced this after leaving her emotionally abusive husband. She felt utterly depleted, struggling to handle basic tasks while dealing with court battles and lawyers.
But despite feeling completely drained, she persevered. And you can survive and overcome any toxic relationship situation you face as well. If you’re caught in that internal debate about whether to stay or leave an abusive person, remember this reality:
An abusive person is likely to continue hurting you no matter how hard you try to meet their standards.
Again, some abusive people will experience humility when they realize they may lose that person. And it’s in that moment where change and healing may be possible. But again, they need to realize and admit they have a problem. And as I stated earlier, they need to be able to access empathy. Without that, they may not have the capacity to treat others with respect and kindness.
With people who don’t want to or can’t access empathy, whether you stay or go, they will still be abusive. So you have to ask yourself if it’s really worth staying with someone who doesn’t seem to care about how you feel.
The Bond Can Be Hard To Break
A trauma bond is often formed when you are with an abusive person for a while. That’s the up-and-down cycle of good days and bad days, feeling love, then abuse, then love again. It really messes with your mind. It’s almost like an energetic bond that’s hard to get out of your mind and heart.
Healing from that kind of bond can be difficult, especially if that relationship is all you’ve known for a long time. It’s important to remember that breaking that bond, whether you end up back together or not, is actually part of healing.
Some people reading this might think: Why would you go back?
This happens. Sometimes, you feel compelled to give it another try. But I’ll be very direct and honest here:
In every instance I’ve encountered where a victim left an abusive partner and then later returned, if the abuser hadn’t experienced genuine humility, shame, and remorse, and sought meaningful help, the relationship inevitably fell apart again.
That’s why it’s especially important to heal from the trauma bond that can happen in these types of relationships. Once you heal from the bond, where you stop feeling the pull and you’re making decisions out of fear or loneliness, you can start making decisions from a place of power. That’s when you feel confident that, if you decide to give the relationship another chance, you are also prepared to leave if nothing has changed.
Breaking the bond might mean going full no contact for a while, blocking them everywhere, at least for a few weeks or even months. When you’re in contact after a breakup, breaking the bond can be much harder. It can actually stay present or even strengthen because they are constantly on your radar. You might be talking to them a lot or even seeing them. Constant exposure keeps them at the top of your mind.
When you’re trauma bonded like this, there’s this uncomfortable energy that flows through you, leaving you always wondering what they’ll do next. So, even when you’re apart, you still have this undercurrent of negative energy that might keep you on edge. That’s why no contact for a while can be helpful. It gives you enough alone time to help allow the fog of the trauma bond to life. In my experience, that can take about two to four months for most people.
While you’re in the relationship, whether you’re contemplating leaving or not, there is a path you can take that eventually breaks that energetic bond I’m talking about so that you can allow real healing to begin. But this path requires something you may have never done before:
Holding them fully accountable for their behavior.
This means following through when you set boundaries. For example, if you say, “I’ll stay at my sister’s for a week if you treat me like that again,” you must actually do it.
Empty threats or boundaries without follow-through just perpetuate the cycle. When you make accountability statements but don’t enforce them, you remain trapped in the cycle that continues to erode you from within.
It’s important to understand how damaging these dysfunctional cycles can be. Accountability becomes the make-or-break factor. You have to be willing to say, “If you continue this behavior or keep making me feel bad about myself, I will take [this specific action].” Whether that’s staying with a family member or separating for a while.
This really comes down to taking a genuine stand for yourself and showing self-love through action. It’s about being assertive, truly caring about yourself, and being compassionate and respectful toward yourself. These qualities already exist within you. They just need to be directed inward, especially in these challenging relationships.
Sometimes, people drain you without even realizing it. I did this unconsciously in my own past relationships. When my marriage ended, I finally figured it out! I realized that I was the common denominator of all my relationship failures in that moment. That was the beginning of my healing journey.
When you start feeling drained, you might need to speak up and take a stand, even knowing there might be serious consequences. Of course, don’t do this with violent or aggressive people. As always, pick your battles wisely. But what I’m saying is that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself when it comes to being mistreated.
This is a sensitive area, I realize. What if standing up for yourself causes you harm? I think that’s very important to consider. In most of the couples I’ve worked with, when the victim of emotional abuse finally had enough and reached their threshold, the response from the person hurting them was humility.
That’s a good sign. If most of the couples I’ve worked with experienced that kind of response when the victim took a stand and said “no more,” there is hope for many relationships. But only you know what the other person might be capable of, so move forward with caution or not at all. Sometimes, getting away is better than saying anything at all. Since results will be different for everyone if you feel there could be aggression or violence, contact a domestic violence center to get more specific guidance.
No matter what, don’t think you have to continue to stay in a relationship with someone who hurts you. Reaching your threshold and telling someone they need to stop “or else” might just be what changes everything for the better. Leaving might be what changes everything, too. And sometimes leaving is the wake-up call the emotionally abusive person needs to finally understand the harm they’re inflicting on you.
Picture yourself 5, 10, 20, even 40 years from now. If nothing changes, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Of course, you might wonder, “What if they do change? What if they’re finally getting it?”
That’s where setting specific timelines helps. For example, give it three months and watch for real change. If they’re genuinely improving, like a chart in a boardroom, you’ll see that trend line gradually moving up and to the right. The progress might be small, but consistent improvement matters.
But if you notice a pattern of two steps forward but several steps back repeatedly, you’re likely seeing the same cycle you’ve experienced before. It’s just repeating with perhaps a slightly different packaging.
You have to accept this reality: if they don’t change after your accountability declaration, you might need to make a different choice. Again, there are consequences to our choices. You could lose the relationship or face some other known or unknown problem. You might have to deal with their anger or even risk homelessness.
These are heavy potential outcomes. But when you look at where you’ll be in ten or twenty years, if nothing changes, heck, even a year, will you be okay with what you see? Is this the life you want? Probably not.
If you haven’t seen change in them, you have to be the one to make changes. That means stepping into that role because, if you don’t, that same cycle will continue indefinitely. And if you go back to a relationship you left and you see that the past trend matches what’s happening now, you have all the data you need to make the next best decision for yourself.
When you’ve had enough, it might be time to talk to them directly about how their behavior affects you. You can say something like, “When you do this behavior, it makes me feel bad. It’s making me love you less. It feels like you want me to feel bad.”
Watch their response carefully. If they deflect with statements like, “I’m not doing it, you are” or “If you just listened to me, you wouldn’t feel bad,” that’s revealing.
You should instead hear responses like, “Wow, I didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m so sorry. I never want to hurt you. Yes, let’s talk about this.”
Without those empathetic responses, without genuine concern for your feelings, you’re missing one of the most crucial ingredients for a healthy relationship. Real empathy isn’t just saying the right words. It’s them showing genuine care when you’re hurting. You need to see true empathy in your relationships.
I sincerely hope you’re not experiencing a difficult relationship like this. If you are, keep educating yourself about toxic behavior patterns and how to respond to them. Learn to recognize when others take advantage of your kindness and compassion.
Stay true to your authentic self, but adjust how you respond when someone exploits your good nature. Your kind, compassionate, caring, and generous qualities make you ideal relationship material. Don’t change those wonderful traits! Instead, become aware of when someone tries to take advantage of them. Remember, their abusive behavior would have happened regardless of what you did differently.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “Maybe if I had been more understanding of their past trauma or PTSD.”
No. You don’t deserve mistreatment, regardless of their personal struggles. That’s why it’s crucial to stand up and declare to yourself and maybe them, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
Emotional abuse can be hard to identify because it’s often subtle and insidious. While overt abuse, like yelling and swearing, is obvious, covert abuse is trickier to detect. Without training yourself to recognize it, you might continue blaming yourself, feeling guilty, and believing you’re somehow causing this mistreatment.
You are not the cause when someone treats you poorly or tries to make you feel bad about yourself.
Nothing you did or didn’t do would have prevented that behavior. It would have happened no matter what you did. And now that it happened, the next step is thinking about what to do or say next.
Some people try to combat abuse by becoming controlling and manipulative themselves (reactive abuse), but this only creates more stress and toxicity in the relationship. It makes sense to become abusive back because, to some people, it seems like that’s the only language they understand. But if one is abusive and one is reactive, it can become an endless cycle where sometimes you win, sometimes you lose badly, but ultimately, no one truly benefits.
Even naturally kind, caring, and compassionate people might find themselves using manipulative or controlling tactics just to get their basic needs met. Don’t blame yourself if this happens – it’s often just a survival mechanism, just as the other person’s behavior might be the way they learned to survive (their coping mechanisms).
This is exactly why it’s crucial to have direct conversations: “What you’re doing is hurting me. Could you please stop? Do you realize how this affects me?”
Many times, this behavior operates at a subconscious level. While some people are deliberately manipulative, others are simply repeating patterns they learned in childhood without conscious awareness.
The hopeful response is genuine empathy: “Oh my God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing that. I feel terrible. Let’s talk about this. I never want to make you feel bad.”
That’s a positive step, assuming it’s authentic. But if instead they focus on making you feel wrong or pressure you to see their perspective rather than acknowledging your pain, that’s when you need to look deeply within yourself and determine what you truly want.
Speak up about your needs. Try to work through changes together if possible. But if you can’t, you might have to face that fork in the road where it’s time to make a choice.
