When someone cares about you, they don’t say things like “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re so emotional”. They actually become more sensitive to your sensitivities.
Don’t fall for the “you’re too sensitive” game. It is played by those who want to get away with their own bad behavior.
The Game Some People Play With Your Emotions
There’s a game that some people knowingly (or sometimes unknowingly) play. There are people who know they’re doing it – the emotional abusers, the manipulators, the coercive type, and the unethically influential type.
I speak from experience. I was married for four years, and during that time (not only in my marriage but in other relationships, too), I was highly manipulative. I didn’t know I was until we separated. I had this realization that I was being manipulative. I didn’t know the term back then, but I was being emotionally abusive, and I was doing so in many ways.
One of them was being highly judgmental. When I was married, I judged my wife for doing things that I didn’t agree with. I wanted her to conform to my standards. I wanted her to conform to my values, and I set the bar very high. I was also giving her the silent treatment.
The silent treatment, not too many people know, is a form of emotional abuse. It doesn’t always start off that way because sometimes you need silence to process. Sometimes, you need silence because you’re so angry you don’t want to just lash out at someone. You just need your time to process things, think about them, and figure out what to do next.
But when the silent treatment turns into making the other person feel guilty, making the other person conform, there’s a level of control in there – “I want you to do what I want you to do, so I will be silent. I will withhold and withdraw love.”
These are the types of things I was doing in my marriage, and it was very unhealthy and very toxic. I am showing you my cards, letting you know that I was that person. I played that game. I didn’t even realize I was even playing this game in all of my relationships.
Shortly after I got into any relationship in my life (except for the one I’m in now), I tried to mold my partner into who I wanted them to be instead of allowing them to be who they were. I didn’t want them to be free to be themselves. I didn’t want them to be authentic.
The Selfishness of Control
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that trying to control my romantic partner was a selfish way to get what I wanted and make life perfect for me, regardless of how they felt about it. Since then, I’ve learned the importance of sharing in their experiences, celebrating their successes, and being there during their tough times. I’ve learned relationships aren’t about telling your partner what to do but supporting them as they navigate the path they choose.
There’s so much more to explore when it comes to understanding the full range of emotional abuse, manipulation, and other harmful behaviors we might not want in our lives – and that we might catch ourselves doing. I noticed I was doing some of these things in my own last marriage and had to ask myself, “Is this how I want my partner to feel?” That question changed everything for me.
I believe that true love means supporting your partner’s happiness, the choices they make to achieve that happiness, and their desire to be themselves.
Think about how it feels when someone in your life wants you to be yourself, not who they want you to be. To me, that feels uplifting and freeing. Who wouldn’t want to spend more time with people who support you being your authentic self?
I figured this out late in life. I realized that relationships are about supporting each other’s journeys, sharing life together, and walking side by side. They’re about having your own life, too, with your personal ups and downs, and hoping your partner will support you through it all, just as you support them. They’re about believing you’re both doing your best.
Sometimes, we might act in ways that our partners, friends, or family don’t like. In those moments, pay attention to how they respond. How do they treat you when you follow a path they disagree with?
This is when you start to see who truly supports you being yourself. When you express your true self, you learn who wants you to be happy by accepting you as you are. You also discover who might be trying to control you.
If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, your decisions, or the steps you’re taking in life, it’s time to question your relationship with them. This applies to everyone in your life, including family and friends.
This dynamic plays out in many relationships, including family. In my other podcast, The Overwhelmed Brain, I discuss family issues and setting personal boundaries. If you’re interested, check out the episode called How family drama can teach you a lot about personal boundaries.
Emotionally Abusive Behavior is a Method of Control
Emotional abuse encompasses a wide range of behaviors, but I often define it as when someone not only makes you feel bad but also makes you feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, the abuser doesn’t need to put you down because you end up doing that to yourself!
Victims of emotional abuse often question their own decisions and lose trust in themselves. This was true in my case when I was the emotional abuser in my relationships. I put doubt in my partners’ minds over the years. My goal was to make them feel bad about themselves. I would give them dirty looks and use the silent treatment, sometimes for days. It’s something I don’t like to admit, but I think it helps to know this perspective.
When I was giving my partner the silent treatment, they would ask, “Where did you go?” They wanted to connect with me, but they felt alone even when I was right next to them. Looking back, it was clear I was denying them the love and attention they deserved. And that can hurt. It makes one feel unworthy and unlovable.
I’m sure they wondered where I went and even questioned if we were still in a relationship. After all, why would someone pull away from the person they said they loved?
My intention back then was that they would feel so guilty that they would change and show up in a way that made me happy. This was a very self-centered, narcissistic tendency on my part. I tried to make myself happy by turning them into who I wanted them to be. It was all about what I wanted. And I never considered their thoughts or feelings.
When I started healing at the end of my last marriage, one question I asked myself was, “Is this how I want her to feel?”
I think this is a powerful question to ask the people in your life:
Is this how you want me to feel?
If you’re dealing with someone who’s manipulating or emotionally abusing you, consider asking this question. While it may not be suitable in every situation, it might be a valuable tool when someone who claims to love you and want your happiness does or says things that hurt you.
A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. If you find yourself constantly feeling bad about yourself because of your partner’s actions or words, it might be time to have a deep conversation about it with them. Or, if they can’t seem to grasp that they are the reason you feel so hurt or confused more often than not, it might be time to reassess the relationship or seek help from friends or professionals.
I’m Not Being Mean. You’re Just Too Sensitive.
This brings up the main topic of this article, which is the “you’re too sensitive” game. That’s the game some people play when they want to get away with bad behavior.
In fact, “My partner calls me too sensitive and overly emotional” is one of the checkboxes in The M.E.A.N. Workbook. This workbook contains a 200-point assessment to help you figure out just how much emotional abuse you may be experiencing in your relationship. One of the boxes says, “
If you’ve been called too sensitive or overly emotional, it’s probably not true. I know you might be thinking, “But I am a highly sensitive person. I really am sensitive about a lot of things.”
If you know this about yourself, I understand and won’t disagree with you. Some people are sensitive. For example, I’m sensitive to needles. I don’t like them at all. I just try to get through the shot quickly without thinking about it too much.
But, obviously, I’m talking about emotional sensitivity. Some people have developed a higher emotional sensitivity than others. The term “highly sensitive person” is a real thing.
Coincidentally (and sadly), highly sensitive people often end up with emotional abusers or insensitive people. The reason for that is because the emotional abuser is very good at reading your emotional state and exploiting your emotions to gain your trust. This is more or less the honeymoon period when everything feels wonderful. After that, they stop the kind and supportive behaviors and show their true colors.
If you’ve ever been called overly emotional, highly sensitive, or too sensitive, it’s important to consider the source. Ask yourself, “Is the person telling me this insensitive?”
Most of the time, when someone says you’re too sensitive, they’re trying to make you focus on yourself instead of them. If they can make you focus on yourself, they can get away with bad behavior.
It’s not that you’re too sensitive. It’s that the person telling you that isn’t sensitive to your feelings.
If someone truly loves and cares about you, they’ll understand and sympathize with your sensitivities. They may even empathize, being in that space with you, trying to relate to what you might be going through.
If, however, they step all over your feelings by blaming you for having them, the real problem is their lack of sensitivity to your fears, doubts, and emotional triggers.
When I first met my partner, Asha, she had many sensitivities. One big one was not being able to trust men. She was sexually abused as a child and couldn’t trust most of the men she met throughout the years. She had some successful relationships (and some unsuccessful ones, too), but when I met her, she couldn’t fully trust me for a long time.
For the first two to three years, I had to be extra careful with her feelings. This reiterates the main point of this article, which is that it’s not that you’re too sensitive; it’s that the person telling you that isn’t being sensitive to your feelings.
I don’t like to label people as insensitive because sometimes they know they’re playing this game, but sometimes they don’t. In my previous marriage, when I was being insensitive to my wife, I didn’t realize I was playing that game. I just wanted what I wanted and didn’t stop to think about how she felt.
Since childhood, I learned that to get what I wanted, I needed to use the silent treatment. That caused people who loved me to pay attention to me. I believed that sulking, moping, and showing visible sadness would cause my “overly compassionate and sensitive” partner to feel bad for me and even feel guilty that I felt bad, thinking she caused it.
By going silent and withdrawing love and attention, I was trying to make her change. My thinking back then was that since she wouldn’t change voluntarily, I would guilt her into it. Again, I’m not proud to admit this.
I was trying to use her sensitivities against her.
Luckily, I figured out I was doing this because I was ruining so many relationships.
I don’t want your relationships to be ruined. But I do want you to know that some people will try to use your sensitivities against you, and it’s not your fault. And it’s not something you need to fix about yourself.
Sometimes, You Have to Draw the Line
You can work on your sensitivities if you want. You might be overly sensitive to certain things. But when someone tells you how sensitive you are, make sure they are not using that as an excuse to get away with their behavior. That’s why sometimes, you have to draw the line and protect yourself.
That means you might have to say something to stop it from continuing. You might have to speak up for yourself (if you’re not in a dangerous or violent relationship – that’s a different situation that needs a different approach) and say, “If you know I’m sensitive, and you really love me, and you really want to support me, and you really want me to be happy, then why would you be so insensitive to my feelings?”
Hopefully, the person doing that will step back a moment and reflect on what you just said. Hopefully, they’ll finally realize what they’re doing and tell you that you’re right and that they’ll change.
That would be great. But you probably know there’s a slim chance of that happening. But some people need to be reminded that “Yes, I have sensitivities, and I want you to know that when you call me too sensitive, knowing that I have these sensitivities, it makes me feel like you don’t care about my sensitivities. It makes me feel like you don’t care about me. It feels like you don’t support me. It feels like you don’t like or even love me. It makes me think that all you want to do is make me feel bad.”
I don’t want you to get caught in the “you’re too sensitive” game because you don’t deserve it.
We all have sensitivities. I wouldn’t want my partner chasing me around the house with a needle, telling me I’m being too sensitive as I’m running away in fear. That’s not love. That’s selfish and uncaring.
There are people in your life who have sensitivities, too. And it would be very unfair of us to take advantage of those sensitivities, just like it’s unfair of them to take advantage of ours.
This was an amazing article. Thank you for this. I’m finding myself in a similar situation. I am very self aware and tend to analyze (being told I overanalyze) things. Also being told that I’m too sensitive. I do often dislike the blanket statement of “accepting someone no matter what”. My girlfriend sometimes says or does hurtful things. By that rationale it seems to say that I should just put up with it because that’s “who she is” (another statement that I find ridiculous). For the most part it is actually who she is ‘choosing to be’ NOT ‘who she is.’ What would be your advice?
–jm
Thanks UH. Sorry you are experiencing this challenge. I could agree to an extent. We can choose who we are, yes, then there’s the old programming that kicks in when we’re emotionally triggered. Not that we don’t have any control, but our responses can come from a triggered (fight or flight) space so it can feel very out of control when it happens. An example of that is repressed anger. Your girlfriend comes home from a stressful day at work and she doesn’t want to take it out on you, but then she blurts out something hurtful. This could be her attempt at trying to be nice but she can’t because she has no outlet for her anger / stress (girl’s night out, exercise, good talk with a friend, etc) so since you’re in the room, you become the target. It doesn’t always mean she’s intentionally trying to hurt you, but unfortunately, she does.
I could be way off of course. I have no idea how your relationship has been. She may be upset at you from something you did 5 years ago that you never resolved between each other and she is still holding on to it so she says hurtful, passive aggressive things to sting you now and then. It’s something you might want to explore in case that exists.
My short answer is yes, we can choose to respond any way we’d like. AND we can sometimes response from that knee-jerk reaction that has nothing to do with the moment and everything to do with what someone is holding on to inside.
My suggestion would be to address it the moment it happens instead of creating a big picture of all the times she does it. Meaning, she says something that hurts you, you say, “Hey, that didn’t feel very good. Where’s that coming from?” and see what she says. You say it in a hurt way, not an “I’m angry because you hurt me and now I’m going to strike back” sort of way.
I think it’s vital to address these things in the moment and open up to her in those moments so you can find out what’s on her mind that minute. If you wait too long, and she forgets about it, or represses it, it festers inside her waiting for the next outburst.
If she says you’re too sensitive, make sure to follow the steps I’ve outlined in this and other episodes. I would even be humble and say, “You may be right. I may be a bit oversensitive to things. Will you work with me on that?” and see what she says.
If she continues to put you down because “you’re too sensitive”, I’d want to get to the bottom of it. I’d want to ask her something like, “You’ve be upset a lot lately. Just tell me what you’re so agitated about. Let’s get it on the table, let’s hash this out.” You may even want to bring up a previous “battle” like, “Is this about _____, because if it is, I want to talk about it. Let’s get it out in the open.”
Then listen without judgment and with compassion. Because she may share a whole lot of things you don’t want to hear.
I hope this helps. I apologize if I’m off the mark, but I have many other episodes both here and at The Overwhelmed Brain that might be helpful. You may like this article:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/keeping-your-relationship-from-slipping-into-dysfunction/
Good luck with this. Thank you for your comments!
Paul, your response doesn’t make sense. In your article you claim that 99 percent of the time someone calling you oversensitive isn’t true. Yet your response here is pointing away from that and suggesting that JM puts aside his pain and allow his partner to open up instead responding to the abuse by creating boundaries.
Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clear this up. I always encourage boundaries, absolutely. If victims of abuse could put up boundaries and enforce them, there’d be no more abuse. But it’s never that simple.
The reply of “You may be right. I may be a bit oversensitive to things. Will you work with me on that?” takes out the abuser’s expectation of your resistance (something they usually wait for so they can react to you). It also may open them up to a conversation about the subject of sensitivity instead of going down the same path it always goes where the abuser expects the victim to resist and be “dramatic” or whatever.
Some forms of abuse work by using your resistance as an excuse for the abuser to hurt you more. If they expect resistance, and you give it, the abuse cycle will complete itself because the abuser expects it. If you cry or appear sad or out of words, and this is what the abuser expects, the abuse cycle completes because the abuse doesn’t stop.
If, however, you offer an alternative response, something they don’t expect, you might get somewhere with them.
There is of course a slim chance that you’ll get anywhere with an abuser that doesn’t care and simply doesn’t care if you’re hurt. But by replying in a different way for once, it takes away their expectation perhaps interrupting the abuse cycle.
It’s the philosophy that one of you has to change before either of you do. It’s not normal for the abusive person to stop what they’re doing and say, “I’ve been calling you oversensitive and realize that may not be fair. Can we explore this together?” If that happened, it would be fantastic. But abusive people are usually on a fixed track and don’t get off that track until they either experience accountability for their behavior or there’s a shift in how the conversation goes that makes them respond differently. That shift could be removing their expectations which may take them off that track and get them out of their abusive state of mind in hopes that they’ll finally communicate in a healthy way.
When the victim says, “You may be right,” that doesn’t mean they have to believe that comment. I’m just helping them to stop the abuse cycle if all else fails. I didn’t intend for it to come across in a way that puts the victim in a powerless state. In fact, this empowers the victim by helping them control the conversation so the abuser doesn’t.
When the abuser hears something like that, it gives them an opportunity to communicate in a way that might lead to a better solution. It’s sort of like when one person backs off in an argument. They can both keep aggressing on each other getting nowhere, or one of them can say, “I see your point,” and back off. This quite often leads to the other person backing off (in a non-emotionally abusive situation) so that both people don’t feel like they need to defend themselves so much anymore. Some arguments never end because no one wants to be wrong. Not saying this works every time, but it works within healthy relationships quite often, and sometimes with toxic ones too.
I have many articles and episodes on boundaries. If every victim of abusive behavior put up boundaries and enforced them, then made the abuser accountable, the abuse would either stop or the victim would leave to stop being exposed to it. But that simply doesn’t happen. Many victims are still learning how to create boundaries without being abused more. Some aren’t ready to leave the situation so they can’t enforce the boundaries they create. And some are still in doubt just how they are being hurt. They know they hurt, but they can be convinced by an abusive person that they (the victim) is doing hurtful things to them and they (the victim) are the problem.
This gaslighting is done intentionally to keep the victim second-guessing themselves. Also, so much emotional abuse is very hard to spot in the moment. Someone saying, “You’re so sensitive,” to a sensitive person may not believe they have a defense to that. The recipient of those words may believe that about themselves already so it someone they’re supposed love and trust says something like that to them, they’re likely to believe it.
To many victims of emotional abuse, being called “too sensitive” doesn’t even appear to be abusive, so they may not know they need to put up a boundary at all. I’ve had people write to me to thank me because they believed that, because they were a sensitive person and couldn’t do anything about it, they simply had to accept the abuser’s hurtful behavior. As if sensitivities were a logical reason to deserve punishment.
It can be a very complex situation sometimes. I’m not suggesting JM put aside their pain. I’m suggesting an alternative response in hopes to open a dialogue. If that response doesn’t work, they can look back and tell themselves that they tried everything. And when you’ve tried everything, and nothing’s changed, you may have to make a bigger decision about the relationship.
I apologize to both you and JM if it appeared I was steering you to put aside the pain or not create boundaries. That wasn’t my intention at all.
Thanks so much for asking. I hope this clears it up. Feel free to follow up if not.
Wow. Thanks so much. My X told me this often, and now my new fiancé is doing it. I’m upset and will try to be more wise in my reaction instead of just flipping out.
Thank you for sharing this. Sorry you are dealing with it but I hope this episode helped you.
My partner will often say things to me in a way that comes across not very polite or as if she’s not very bothered about my response etc and when I pull her up on it she says I am being too sensitive. She is a very insensitive person due to a bad childhood etc etc. She doesn’t tell me this to make me feel bad about myself so that she can get away with bad behaviour. But I always feel as if whilst I can change and try to be less sensitive, she should also try to be more sensitive to my feelings. We both agreed to try to work on it, do you think it is possible for a relationship to work between a HSP and an insensitive person if they both try to work on being better or am I wasting my time?
I think as long as you see progress, even minute progress, it’s worth a shot. Though, if a person is truly insensitive, then there’s an automatic incompatibility with an HSP. If there is the ability to feel empathy, then the insensitive person can change, but empathy is key. A good question is, “Do you realize that what you’re doing / saying is hurting me?” If they say No, then ask, “Now that you know it hurts me, will you not do / say that anymore?” Someone who accesses their empathy will not want to hurt you because it will hurt them hurting you. That’s the key. You just need someone to feel bad when they hurt you. If your partner really feels bad and apologizes and actually tries and succeeds next time, then there’s a chance. But if she tries and fails over and over again, sometimes it’s a good idea to separate for a while so the insensitive person can determine whether they have something to heal in themselves and whether they want to heal in themselves.
Yes, the highly sensitive person may have healing to do as well. HSPs need to determine exactly what behavior bothers them so they can cite those specific behaviors and have a conversation about them. It’s possible the HSP realizes they may be being overly sensitive to something that really isn’t a big deal. But what I’ve seen more often than not is that the HSP tends to be more intuitive about bad behavior but they doubt their instincts. More times than not, the HSP is absolutely right that the person they are with is not being kind. An HSP lets their guard down when they feel safe. When they don’t, it will appear as overly sensitive.
I am curious to know the answer to your question too. Do I bother to continue working on my relationship with an insensitive person?
I hope my answer helped. I look at relationships like I look at the profit and loss statement of a company. The progress line in a profitable company will go up and to the right, indicating higher returns year after year. A relationship going in the right direction has a progress line that is either steady, slightly up and down but mostly up, or going up and to the right. However, if the progress line is going right and down, then the past often equals the future.
Yes, work on the relationship like I mention above, but also watch the progress line. If, in general, it goes down and to the right, then you have to accept it will continue going that way so that you can make the next right decision for you.
I’m sorry, but telling someone who is insensitive to you being sensitive that they don’t love you or respect you is just as bad as them calling you too sensitive. If you tell someone that they don’t love you and don’t care about you because they said something without realizing, what does that make you?
My goal was to convey that it feels like you aren’t loved by the person not being sensitive. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was telling you to tell them they don’t love you because they are insensitive to your sensitivities. I apologize that the message came out that way, that wasn’t my intention.
You are spot on with your comment though, I agree. The way you stated it could be interpreted as manipulation and control.
Thank you for this clarification! I know it will help others.
This is a brilliant article. I am a HSP male and daily life is a struggle being that way .Alot of the time it’s been other men putting me down and trying to destroy my high sensitivity, but girls do it too and attack your masculinity esp where i’m from in northern england. I do apologise for saying this but I felt uncomfortable reading that you were abusive-really made me have a reaction. I’m glad that you are helping others now.
Thanks so much for your comment Wayne. Yes, anyone can do it to anyone. And thank you for telling me you felt uncomfortable reading that I used to be emotionally abusive. I get it.
It has taken a lot of healing and humbleness to grow from the person I used to be. The trouble is so many people that are this way don’t change. There are those that do (I’ve met and worked with a few), but there are less than there should be.
If you have any interest in learning about my healing journey, feel free to read it here:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/the-healing-journey-of-the-emotional-abuser/
Otherwise, thank you again. I appreciate your words.
Thank you. I needed your honestly and introspection. My fiance does the same things you did in your marriage– the silent treatment, the “you’re too sensitive”, the withdrawal, the dirty looks. From reading your story, it seems he will just have to come to his own realization, and your story has lead me to hope. Your self-awareness is refreshing and actually brought me to tears. Simply knowing that someone with those tendencies can understand what they’ve done is cathartic and quite the emotional experience.
Thank you so much for your comment. If he is able to access empathy, and he really does care about you, he will realize his behavior is hurtful. I didn’t know how much my silence was hurting my wife. She even told me when I’m quiet, she feels so alone and doesn’t know what to do. There were things I wanted to say to her, but they were mean things so I never did. This kept me silent.
In my current relationship, I was receiving the silent treatment from my girlfriend in the beginning. She would withhold “mean” things because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was so much worse when she was silent and avoiding me. I figured this was payback for my marriage ;). But I decided I wasn’t going to allow the silent treatment in my relationships anymore so I learned the magic phrase:
“Just be mean then! I’d rather you be mean to me today than to hold it in for days or weeks keeping me in the dark.”
My girlfriend looked at me funny and asked, “You want me to be mean?”
I said, “Yes! If you have something to say, I’d rather you say it even if it sounds mean or comes from a place of anger. It’s a whole lot better than walking in the door and you don’t even want to look at me for weeks.”
She reluctantly said, “Okay, if you’re sure.” I said, “Absolutely. Be mean. Get it out, put it on the table so we have something to talk about.”
A few weeks later she asked, “You remember when you said it was okay to say something even if it sounded mean?”
I said, “Yes.” And she replied with something I did that upset her. It was something she normally would have held in for weeks, but this time she was letting it out as soon as possible.
And it was awesome. She got it out, we talked about it. Got through some tough emotional stuff and resolved it. We were able to move forward without silence. Liberating!
I hope this gives you some ideas. Silence and withholding love and affection dissolves love and affection. Don’t let it get so far that there is none left. Your relationship cannot withstand it.
I appreciate you. Thank you again.
My fiancé says I’m too sensitive I feel like almost everyday, he knows that it really hurts me and we get in a lot of fights about it but he just will keep saying “is it done?” “can you stop?” I’ve tried everything to get it to stop. I’ve showed him articles like this, I told him I’m not taking it anymore, I even broke up with him once over it for weeks because it seems that I’m always changing myself and he just never wants to accept that he has some things he needs to work on it this relationship is going to last. Now that we’re engaged I’m scared of future mental abuse because I already cannot handle it but I keep saying I’m not going to give up and love is hard and he’ll one day see it. His ex even killed herself from his mental abuse and I don’t want to be next. Do I keep trying or get the heck away from him?
Everything you are sharing here is your opportunity to assess what you really want in a relationship. Your vision of a better future is not the gauge you use to determine if you should stay in a relationship or not. The only determinate of a relationship’s future is what you’ve experienced up to now. That’s it. The past determines the future, and the future always amplifies the past.
In other words, what you’ve experienced up to now will only continue and what you will experience will only be exactly what it was but more so. Look at the trend line of your relationship so far. Like in a meeting in a conference room, the trend line represents the level of progress in a company. The trend line of a relationship represents the level of satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness.
If it has been going up and to the right day after week after month after year, then that’s what to expect in the future. If it’s been steady with ups and downs, then that’s what to expect. If it’s been going down, or has been down a while and stays there, that’s what it will be.
You have to look at what’s happened, not what you hope will happen. A person is as they show up TODAY. A person will act as they are acting TODAY and as they have been acting up to today.
What you have written here is already full of red flags, but the “reddest” flag is the comment, “I’m not going to give up,” because that tells me you are willing to become more tolerant of abusive behavior just to keep the relationship going. Your investment into this relationship seems to be 10X his investment. Relationships require two people who take full responsibility for their role in everything. If there’s a problem, they both address it and ask themselves how they can improve the problem. If he’s laying it all on you to fix the problem and doesn’t seem to care that his words or behaviors hurt you, then even if you are “too sensitive” then his unwillingness to work with that shows a lack of caring about your needs.
Many, many red flags in your short comment here. I won’t tell you what you need to do, but I will tell you that what has happened will continue to happen and there’s nothing you can do to fix this. It takes two to work on things together. Love is EASY, but taking responsibility is hard and it seems he doesn’t want to do that.
If you’re not going to give up on something, don’t give up on yourself. Listen to all my episodes again because you are letting him rob you of your power by making you believe everything is your fault and you are to blame. He won’t stop because the accountability isn’t real. Even when you broke up, you came back. That shows him that he can do anything he wants, and you’ll still return. So no loss for him at all.
I wish you much strength through this.
my boyfriend last night told me I should know how to be a woman and I am to emotional and too sensitive and thinks his bad behavior and what he is saying is okay
The question, “If you know it hurts me when you do or say that, then why do you keep doing / saying it?” is vital. It’s important to know the answer because you have to question anyone who does behavior they know hurts you and doesn’t stop, regardless if they believe you are “too emotional” or not. That’s like someone putting your hand over a burning candle and when you pull away, they say, “You’re just too sensitive to fire. It’s not my fault I hold your hand there; it’s your fault because you need to be more resilient to fire.” Someone who cares about you will pull your hand away from the fire just as they will stop behaviors they know hurt you. So sorry you’re going through this.
This article has helped me to understand my situation more than any other I have come across. It made difficult reading, the realisation that I was living with a person who is coersive was quite shocking. For years I really thought that I was to blame and my partners behaviour was perfect. He is always telling me I’m too sensitive, and yes I now realise it’s just a way to deflect his bad behaviour, thank you.
Unfortunately and fortunately, you got it. Someone who cares about you should care that they are hurting you. Calling you too sensitive or too emotional is like saying you complain too much when you’re on fire. Fire hurts! And someone who loves you should not want to burn you. I wish you much strength for whatever you’re going through. Thank you for sharing this.