There is a direct cause and effect when you are exposed to manipulative and controlling behavior. It can take a physical toll on you and cause you to believe things about yourself that simply aren’t true.
In this episode, I read a message from someone who got out of a twenty-year emotionally abusive marriage to discover his health and well-being suddenly increase.
(Addendum article for this episode)
I’d like to start this article by sharing an incredibly inspiring email that perfectly illustrates the transformative power of breaking free from emotional abuse.
While most of us are in relationships of some kind – romantic partnerships, family connections, or workplace dynamics – some of these relationships can become toxic and emotionally draining.
Here’s the email I received (I’ve changed some of the details to keep their privacy):
“I would like to thank you for your podcast. Your guidance has been instrumental in helping me understand emotional abuse and recognize the patterns of abusive behavior. Between your podcast playing in my ears during daily walks and my therapy sessions, I finally found the strength to leave my wife.
“For years, I struggled with chronic fatigue, digestive issues, and overwhelming stress. But once I identified the real cause of my problems, everything changed within two months. After being emotionally abused for more than 20 years, I’ve finally reconnected with my family and friends. The stress had been draining me for so long that I probably wouldn’t have survived much longer. Thank you for saving my life.”
This message deeply moved me, not because he credited my podcast with saving his life, but because HE saved his life. He took those crucial, terrifying steps that sometimes become necessary in the journey toward healing. These are the kinds of decisions that fundamentally alter the course of our lives.
I’m not suggesting everyone needs to leave or take dramatic action when they have difficulties in their relationship. What I am saying is that when you decide to take responsibility for your well-being, it often requires bold moves.
It reminds me of my mother’s situation with my stepfather. She waited decades for him to leave, paralyzed by fear of taking those big steps herself. He eventually left her – but it took 40 years of her life waiting for someone else to make that decision.
Abusers Rarely Leave the Relationship
In most emotionally abusive relationships, there’s a troubling pattern: the abuser rarely leaves voluntarily. Why would they? They have what they want: control. This control manifests in various subtle but devastating ways, often through:
- Persistent guilt-tripping
- Systematic degradation of self-worth
- Convincing you that you’re worthless
- Making you feel inferior or unintelligent
- Creating a dependency based on fear and insecurity
The most insidious aspect of emotional abuse is how it reconstructs your entire belief system. The abuser often uses phrases like, “Who else would accept you?” or “You’re too old/fat/stupid to start over.” They might say, “You’ll break up the family,” or “No one else will understand you like I do.”
Every criticism, every belittling comment, every manipulation centers around “you” – making everything your fault, your responsibility.
Over time, this constant emotional pummeling becomes your new normal. It’s like being slowly boiled – you don’t notice the temperature rising until you’re completely submerged in toxic beliefs about yourself.
For the person who wrote to me, this went on for 20 years. Someone reading this right now might have endured this kind of situation even longer. Twenty years of having your spirit crushed, your confidence eroded, your reality distorted – it takes an enormous toll not just emotionally, but physically.
What’s particularly striking about this reader’s story is how his physical symptoms – the fatigue, digestive issues, and stress-related problems – disappeared within months of leaving the abusive situation. This is a common but rarely discussed aspect of emotional abuse: the way it manifests in our bodies. Your body often recognizes the toxicity of a situation before your mind is ready to accept it.
The path to breaking free from emotional abuse often begins with a moment of clarity – what I call the “threshold moment.” For some, it’s when they realize their physical health is deteriorating. For others, it’s when they notice their children mimicking toxic patterns. Sometimes, it’s simply reaching that point where staying hurts more than leaving.
What makes the story from the person who wrote to me particularly powerful is how he combined multiple resources for healing: professional therapy, educational content, and daily walks – a form of self-care that provided both physical exercise and mental space for processing. This comprehensive approach to healing is crucial because emotional abuse affects us on multiple levels.
Let me share something personal: When I was the one being emotionally abusive in my relationships, I didn’t recognize my behavior as abuse. I thought I was “right” and just trying to “fix” things.
It wasn’t until I lost my marriage that I finally understood the damage I was causing. This is why many abusers don’t change until they face significant loss. They need something that wakes them up and shows them that they are being destructive.
But here’s what’s critical to understand: You don’t have to wait for your abuser to have their awakening. Just like my mom waited 40 years for my stepfather to leave, waiting for someone else to change means surrendering control of your life to them.
The person who wrote to me didn’t wait – he took action despite two decades of conditioning that probably told him he couldn’t.
The healing process after leaving is remarkable. Notice how this person’s physical symptoms cleared up within two months. This isn’t uncommon. When you remove yourself from a toxic environment:
- Your body begins to release stored trauma
- Your mind starts to clear
- Your natural energy returns
- Your authentic self begins to emerge
- Your relationships with others improve
Most importantly, you start to recognize yourself again. The reader mentioned reconnecting with family and friends. This is a common experience. Emotional abuse often isolates us from our support system, making us dependent on the abuser.
Breaking free allows us to rebuild the essential connections in our lives.
You Are Worth Protecting
Once you’ve taken those first steps toward freedom, protecting your inner self becomes paramount. This isn’t just about setting boundaries with others – it’s about honoring the voice inside you that’s been silenced for so long. Remember, your body has been trying to tell you something through those physical symptoms. Now it’s time to listen.
Let me share a technique I’ve developed that many find helpful when dealing with toxic people, whether they’re romantic partners, family members, or as one listener of my podcast put it, “that stupid coworker.” (Yes, it’s okay to acknowledge and admit feelings like this!) Here’s how it works:
When someone’s toxic behavior triggers you, imagine them as their wounded inner child. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you maintain emotional distance. Picture that hurt, scared child acting out because they never learned healthy ways to communicate or cope.
This visualization serves two purposes:
- It helps you respond from a place of clarity rather than reaction
- It prevents their toxicity from penetrating your emotional armor
But protection isn’t just about managing others – it’s about rebuilding your relationship with yourself. The person who wrote to me demonstrated this beautifully.
He combined:
- Physical self-care (daily walks)
- Mental self-care (therapy)
- Educational self-care (learning about emotional abuse)
- Social self-care (reconnecting with support systems)
This comprehensive approach to self-protection and growth is crucial because emotional abuse doesn’t just harm one aspect of your life – it infiltrates everything. That’s why healing requires attention to multiple areas of your life.
Setting boundaries becomes easier when you understand that you’re not just protecting yourself – you’re protecting that part of you that deserves love and respect. This isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t just about you; it’s about being healthy enough to show up fully in all your relationships.
When Is It Time To Leave?
This question haunts many people trapped in emotionally abusive situations. The answer isn’t always clear-cut, but here’s what I’ve learned from both personal experience and countless stories from readers and listeners:
You leave when staying costs you more than leaving.
Let me break it down into practical steps.
First, evaluate your current situation by asking yourself these crucial questions:
- Has the trend been improving, or is it the same cycle repeating?
- If nothing changed from this moment forward, could you accept this as your permanent reality?
- Assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today, how does that feel in your body?
- Are you waiting for someone else to make the decision for you?
Your answer to these questions should become your compass. Your compass guides you to the path of healing and self-care.
If you’re worried about leaving for any reason, just remember that decision doesn’t mean you have to be gone forever, unless you want it to be over. My point is that sometimes, the very act of leaving creates the space needed for real change to occur.
In fact, if an emotionally abusive person has the capacity to change, there’s about a 95% chance they’ll do so only when faced with actual consequences for their behaviors. Most of the changes I’ve seen in abusive people happened when the person they were hurting decided to honor themselves and leave the situation.
However, and this is crucial, never base your decisions on the possibility of their change. Any changes they make while in the relationship should be viewed as a bonus, not a goal. Your focus needs to be on your healing, your growth, and your future.
If you’re currently in this situation, consider this as your action plan:
- Start documenting everything (keeping a journal can help you maintain clarity)
- Build your support system (reconnect with family and friends)
- Create a practical exit strategy if and when needed (financial, emotional, and logistical)
- Focus on self-improvement (like the person who reached out did with therapy and education)
- Listen to your body’s signals (those physical symptoms are telling you something)
Within only two months of leaving, the person who wrote to me said their physical symptoms improved dramatically. This wasn’t just luck. It was their body finally releasing years of stored trauma. Your body knows what’s best for you. Trust those signals.
The path forward isn’t always straight, and it’s rarely easy. But as someone who has been on both sides of emotional abuse – both as the emotional abuser and the emotionally abused – I can tell you that on the other side of that fear is freedom.
And freedom, while sometimes scary, is always worth it.
What Does Real Change Look Like?
You might be wondering, as many do, “But what if they really do change this time?”
It’s a valid question, but here’s what I’ve learned from years of coaching and personal experience:
Real change requires more than promises – it requires consistent, observable action over time.
So what does real change actually look like?
Think of it like this: Anyone can behave well when they know they’re being watched. It’s like when someone promises “I’ve changed” while you’re standing right there seeing that they haven’t changed at all.
The real test of change is what they do when they think no one is looking. For example, imagine a neighbor who constantly lets their dog defecate on your lawn. They might promise to stop and act perfectly behaved when they see you watching through your window.
But if they followed through on their promise, you would observe them taking a completely different route with their dog, going out of their way to avoid your property, even when they have no idea you are watching.
In the context of emotional abuse, real change looks like:
- Someone working on themselves even when there’s no audience
- Making different choices even when there’s no one to impress
- Changing behavior even when there’s no immediate benefit or reward
- Taking the harder path because it’s right, not because someone is watching
Another way to think about this is that real change isn’t about performing good behavior only when someone’s watching. It’s about consistently making better choices, even when no one would know the difference. It’s choosing the right path, even when the wrong one would be easier and no one would ever find out.
Examples of what real change might look like in context:
- Instead of yelling, they pause and say, “I used to yell when this happened, but now that I’m working on that, I don’t feel the need to.”
- Rather than giving the silent treatment, they communicate: “I’m triggered, but I’m choosing to handle this differently now.”
- Instead of manipulation, they practice transparency, even when it’s uncomfortable. i.e., “I know I’ve tried to guilt you in the past, but I think that’s because I was so insecure.”
- They show congruence between their words and actions, consistently, over time. This one requires your observation. Are they walking their talk?
Whether you stay in or leave an emotionally abusive relationship, your healing journey is yours alone. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone to heal. It just means you shouldn’t put your life on hold waiting for someone else to change.
As the person who reached out to me and inspired this article discovered, sometimes the bravest thing we can do is trust our instincts and take that first step toward freedom.
You’re not alone on this journey. Every person who has broken free from emotional abuse started exactly where you are right now – with a decision to trust themselves. Whether that means staying and working on things (with proper support and boundaries) or choosing to leave, the most important thing is to honor what’s right for you.
Your mind and body will know what you need to do. It’s just a matter of listening to them.
