Why don’t hurtful people stop hurting you? Why can’t they see the harm they are doing to the person they are supposed to care about?
Emotional abuse is insidious. It hides in plain sight, but a lot of people can’t recognize it when it’s happening to them. The key to healing the emotionally abusive relationship relies on one question:
Can the Emotional Abuser Really Change?
I get asked this question a lot. The answer is yes, many can, but only under specific conditions. And understanding those conditions might be the difference between staying in a relationship that has potential and staying in one that will continue to drain you.
The emotionally abusive person can change, but only if they feel empathy.
They can change only if they know they’re hurting you and actually care that they’re hurting you. Without those two components, nothing will shift. They’ll keep doing what they’re doing because there’s no internal motivation to stop.
I know this from personal experience. I was emotionally abusive in my previous relationships. I didn’t see my behaviors as “abusive” at the time. I thought I was just trying to help my partners become better people. I thought making them feel bad was a necessary step to get them to change.
Looking back now, of course, I realize how twisted that thinking was! But when you’re in it, when you’re operating from fear and insecurity, you tend to justify all kinds of harmful behavior.
The turning point for me came when I finally asked myself a question I’d been avoiding my entire adult life: What if I’m the problem? What if everything I’ve been blaming on my partners is actually coming from me?
That question changed everything for me. It was what broke my pattern. But it took losing my marriage (and my previous relationships, too) to get there. My wife had reached what I call her threshold – that point where she’d had enough and couldn’t take anymore. By the time I started changing, it was too late for our relationship. She was done, and I had to accept that.
So when someone asks me if an emotional abuser can change, I tell them yes, absolutely. I know from personal experience. But I also tell them that change requires the abuser to reach a point of genuine awareness and empathy. And unfortunately, most emotionally abusive people don’t get there until they’ve already lost the person they’ve been hurting.
How Do I Know If the Emotional Abuser in My Life Can Change?
If you’re dealing with someone who’s hurting you emotionally, there is a way to find out if they have the capacity to change. It comes down to the response you get by asking them two simple questions.
The first question is: “Do you realize that what you’re doing is hurting me?”
This isn’t an accusation. It’s not an attack. It’s a genuine inquiry into their awareness. You’re giving them space to reflect without immediately putting them on the defensive.
When I was being emotionally abusive, I honestly didn’t realize I was hurting my wife. I thought I was helping her, believe it or not. I thought if I could just get her to see things my way, we’d both be happier!
It never occurred to me that my constant criticism, my silent treatments, my judgmental looks were causing her pain. Or maybe it did occur to me on some level, but I pushed that awareness away because acknowledging it would mean I’d have to change. And the last thing most abusive people want to do is address their own issues and heal and change.
The way the emotionally abusive person responds to the question, “Do you realize what you’re doing is hurting me?” tells you everything you need to know about their capacity for change.
If they say they didn’t know they were hurting you, that’s actually a good sign. It means there’s potential for healing and change. They might actually be genuinely unaware of how their behavior affects you. A lot of emotionally abusive people operate on autopilot, using coping mechanisms that developed years ago without ever examining whether those mechanisms are healthy or helpful.
But what if they admit they knew all along that they were hurting you? Of course, that’s not just a red flag; it’s a revelation that needs to be taken seriously. It tells you they’ve been making a conscious choice to continue behavior they know is harmful. And that puts you in a completely different (and dangerous) situation.
Once you have their answer to the first question, you move on to the second: “Now that you know this behavior hurts me, will you stop doing it?”
This is where you get concrete data instead of vague promises or excuses. This is where you’re asking them to commit to a specific action. You’re creating accountability.
Their response will show you whether they’re willing to take responsibility for their behavior or whether they’re going to deflect, minimize, or blame you for being “too sensitive.”
When someone truly cares about you, when they have empathy, their response should be something like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that. I need to stop and reflect on my behaviors and figure out why I’m acting this way.”
That’s the kind of response that indicates real potential for change. It shows awareness, remorse, and a willingness to do the internal work necessary to stop the harmful behavior.
But if they get defensive, if they turn it around on you, if they make excuses or minimize your feelings, then you know they’re not ready to change. And they might never be ready.
The hard truth is that you can’t make someone change who doesn’t want to change. You can’t force someone to develop empathy if they don’t have it. All you can do is gather information about who they are and what they’re capable of, and then make decisions based on that information.
These questions aren’t about tiptoeing around someone’s feelings or making it easier for them to avoid accountability. I’m sure some people reading this will say we shouldn’t have to carefully word things to get someone to stop hurting us. We shouldn’t have to guide them gently toward recognizing their own bad behavior.
Those people are right! In an ideal world, people who care about you would immediately stop doing things that hurt you once they realize the impact of their actions. But we don’t live in an ideal world. And emotional abuse is a different animal altogether.
If you’ve tried everything else to get them to stop, but nothing has worked, and if you’re not ready to give an ultimatum or leave the relationship, then asking these questions in a non-threatening way might be your best option for getting real answers (and a real direction to move toward once you know the truth).
The goal isn’t to protect the abuser’s feelings. It’s to get past their defenses so you can see who they really are and what they’re really capable of.
What Does Real Change in a Healing Emotional Abuser Look Like?
Let’s say the person admits they didn’t know they were hurting you, and they commit to stopping the behavior. What next? What should you expect going forward?
Unfortunately, real change doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t immediately believe grand gestures or dramatic promises quite yet. What you need to see is consistent shifts in their behavior over time.
When I started healing and changing, I had to first become aware of my emotional triggers. I had to catch myself before I fell into old patterns. There were moments during that time when I’d feel that familiar urge to withdraw love (silent treatment), as a way to punish my wife, giving her that look that said she had disappointed me in some way. But instead of acting on those urges, I’d stop and ask myself what I was really feeling underneath the anger or frustration instead.
Usually, what I found was fear:
Fear that I wasn’t good enough.
Fear that she’d leave me.
Fear that I wasn’t in control.
Those fears had been driving my bad behaviors for years, but I’d never acknowledged them. I never sat with them or examined where they came from. Instead, I tried to control my wife’s behavior as a way of managing my own insecurities and anxiety.
When the emotionally abusive person is truly changing, you will start to see changes from old hurtful and controlling patterns to new, healthier ones. They will begin to understand that their old, hurtful behaviors aren’t really about the other person at all; they are about their own unhealed wounds, insecurities, and fears. And once they see that, once they really start to understand that, they will start to respond differently.
Someone who’s genuinely working on themselves and changing might say something like this, “I’m feeling triggered right now. Normally, I’d shut down and give you the silent treatment. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I need some time to process what I’m feeling, but I want you to know it’s not about you.” Or something to the effect that shows they are willing to be vulnerable and transparent.
That kind of honesty and vulnerability is incredibly difficult for someone who’s spent years using control and manipulation to feel safe. But it’s also the only path that leads to real change.
You’ll know someone is changing when:
- You see fewer instances of the hurtful behavior
- They catch themselves before they say something cruel
- They apologize without making excuses
- They take responsibility for their actions instead of blaming you for your reactions
But what you also need to watch out for is deception. Some people really don’t want to change who they are, but they also don’t want to lose the relationship, so they’ll find a way to keep you in their life while also making you believe they are working on themselves. That might look like them going to therapy or even joining my Healed Being program, and then acting as if they’re changing and healing.
Therapy, my program, and even domestic violence programs do work. They address the core issues and help people change their behaviors. But the only way any of these will work is if the person not only needs help, but as I said before, they actually want to change
The reality is that real healing is a lifelong journey. It’s not something you finish and then go back to business as usual. If someone thinks that going through the motions of a program or therapy means they’re cured and that you should immediately trust them again, they’re not applying what they’ve learned. Or perhaps they didn’t bother learning at all. They’re using their initial investment in therapy or programs as proof of change instead of doing the actual work required for healing.
When that happens, I usually hear from their partners who’ll share something along the lines of:
“My partner is taking your program/going to therapy, and they’re upset at me for not being more forgiving and moving faster now that they’ve stopped the behaviors. They have changed in some ways, but I still feel like I’m responsible for their upset or that I’m not doing enough. They said they’re doing what I want them to do, which is get help, but now they’re pointing the finger at me for not accepting their changes and moving forward.
“Should I be immediately forgiving? I just don’t think I’m ready to let go and accept them as the new person they say they are. I thought it would be different than this. I mean, they are different, but I still feel like the bad guy.”
As soon as I read anything like this, I know what’s happening. This person’s partner learned which behaviors cause problems and stopped some of them just long enough to keep their partner from leaving, but they didn’t address the underlying cause of those behaviors.
They stopped acting in obviously controlling and manipulative ways, but never dealt with the insecurities and fears that led to their emotionally abusive behavior in the first place.
The sad truth is that some people will go through therapy or take a program like mine just to keep their partner from leaving. They’re not actually doing the internal work. They’re performing change instead of changing. They learn what to say and what not to say, but the fears and insecurities driving their behavior stay untouched. So they find new, more subtle ways to control and manipulate. The tactics change, but the underlying problem doesn’t.
You’ll also know they’re not really changing if they get angry when:
- You don’t immediately trust them
- They give you ultimatums about your healing process
- They shift back to blaming you for everything once they feel secure in the relationship again
Change in a healing emotional abuser means staying humble. It means recognizing that rebuilding trust takes time. It means being patient with their partner’s fear and hesitation instead of demanding they get over it quickly.
What If They Truly Have Changed But You’re Done?
Sometimes, by the time the emotionally abusive person realizes they need to change, the other person has already reached their threshold. This is what happened in my marriage. By the time I started doing the real work of examining my behavior and making changes, my wife had enough. She’d been hurt too many times. She’d given me too many chances. She’d reached the point where she didn’t have any more energy to invest in the relationship.
And I had to accept that. As much as it hurt, I had to support her decision to leave because that’s what love is. It’s wanting someone’s happiness even when that means what makes them happy is leaving.
Hurtful behavior always creates distance. And many abusive people don’t realize that hurting a person they claim to care about will always drive that person away, even though that fact may be very obvious to the rest of the world. Being hurtful, controlling, or manipulative never, ever creates closeness, no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise.
The fastest way to destroy love and connection with someone is to try to change them into who you want them to be.
People who do this might get compliance in the short term, but trust and closeness will definitely disappear in the long term. And if you’re with an abusive person for an extended period of time and you find yourself reasoning away hurtful and controlling behaviors, saying things like, “At least they don’t hit me,” or “At least they’re good to the kids,” remember that this type of reasoning is a sign you have been conditioned to help you tolerate the intolerable over time.
Some people get trapped in accepting relationships that are harmful because they’ve convinced themselves that the small amount of good makes it worthwhile. That’s not a relationship. That’s survival mode. And an abusive relationship definitely moves you into the position of surviving instead of enjoying life and thriving.
A Message to the Emotionally Abusive Person
If you’re the person exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior, there are questions you need to ask yourself regularly. These questions will help you stay aware of your intentions and catch yourself before you fall back into old patterns.
Here they are:
- Am I trying to control this person?
- Am I focused only on getting what I want, regardless of their needs?
- Am I manipulating them into agreement?
- Am I crafting situations or stories to get them to comply?
That last one is important. Even if you’re not being overtly controlling, if you’re setting up situations or framing things in a way that’s designed to get a specific response, that’s manipulation. And manipulation is emotionally abusive.
You have to be really honest with yourself about your motivations. When you’re about to say or do something, pause and ask:
Is what I’m about to do or say an effort to control or change them?
If the answer is yes, you need to stop. You need to redirect your focus back to yourself and figure out what’s really going on inside you.
This takes practice. It takes constant vigilance, especially in the beginning. But over time, it becomes more natural. You start to catch yourself earlier in the process. Eventually, you reach a point where you’re not even tempted to fall back into those old behaviors because you’ve healed the fears and insecurities that were driving them.
I’m not that person anymore. I don’t have the urge to control my wife. We’ve been together over a decade as of this writing, and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. Not because she’s better or more tolerant (she’s the last tolerant of bad behavior, actually lol), it’s because I accept her exactly as she is. And if I now live by the philosophy: If I have a problem with her, that’s my problem, not hers.
I never try to manipulate her into seeing things my way. I trust her to make her own decisions, even when those decisions are different from what I’d choose. And our relationship is stronger because of it. She feels safe with me. She trusts me. She knows I’m not going to punish her for being herself.
That’s what’s possible when someone truly changes. But it requires real work, real humility, and real commitment to healing.
Healed Being is the most effective step-by-step program to help an emotionally abusive person stop the behaviors and give a damaged relationship the best chance at healing.
You Deserve Nothing Less Than Respect and Kindness
If you’re dealing with someone who’s hurting you, remember the two questions I talked about earlier:
Do you realize that what you’re doing is hurting me?
Now that you know this behavior hurts me, will you stop doing it?
These two questions tell you if they have the capacity to change. And get concrete answers instead of vague promises. Then you can make decisions based on what they show you through their actions, not what they tell you with their words.
The emotional abuser can change. I’m living proof of that. But they have to be willing to look honestly at themselves, own what they’ve done or are currently doing, acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, and commit to doing whatever it takes to heal. Not just for the relationship, but for themselves.
When I was emotionally abusive, I learned that wanting to change or control others was a constant weight on my shoulders. It became exhausting scrutinizing my partners’ behaviors, looking for everything they were doing “wrong.”
I don’t say that to play a victim. I say that because once I healed, I realized just how free it felt not to be constantly walking around ready to criticize or judge. It felt free to let others be their true selves. And, of course, they felt free to be themselves, giving a balance to the relationship I’d never felt before my healing.
You should be able to show up authentically and trust that you are enough just as you are.
Always know you have the right to be free to be yourself.
I think this article gives ‘false hope’ to “the victim”- especially if their dealing with a trauma bond. It’s not the job of the victim to be an investigar- not to mention if they’re a manipulator and easy prone to lying. Ladies ( & some gentlemen)… speaking from personal experience & holding onto hope for too long- as I did! If the behavior is abusive: yelling, screaming or insulting you- leave. Leave before you’ve wasted years of your life. .Me personally- I was blindsided. Abusors only RARELY CHANGE- It’s in the research. Do you really want someone screaming at you while you calmly ask them why. No, you don’t. Good luck & Move On!!
I am so grateful you commented here. Thank you for sharing this. Trauma bonds can lead to continually coming back into the abusive dynamic, which is not good at all. Many abusers don’t change. In the Healed Being program I run, the majority of emotional abusers who join do so when the person they’ve been abusing finally reaches what I call their threshold. That’s the tipping point where the victim of abuse puts their foot down and says something like stop or else. I’m not saying that every victim should put their foot down and say that. Some situations are simply not good for your mental and even physical health. Some emotionally abusive people are covert and passive aggressive. They don’t necessarily yell or scream so it can be harder for their victim to tell what’s abusive or not. Covert abusers are definitely still abusive, but they do it differently than the overt abusers that yell, belittle, call you names, embarrass you, etc. They’re in the same camp, different factions. But it’s all still abuse. And perhaps some of the points in this episode do not address the more aggressive abusers.
To your point: I’m with you. When someone is treating you like garbage, don’t calmly and politely sit there and take it. No one deserves that. I love your comment, it is valuable to so many people and a great addition to this article. I’m also glad you are out of that situation! Thanks again. <3
abusers can change.
I’ve seen many emotionally abusive people change. But for most victims of emotional abuse, they’ve never witnessed this change, which is why you’ll often hear “Abusers never change.”
The most common question I receive is, “If they love me, why are they hurting me?” The answer lies in something I discovered from my own journey: The abusive person believes they’re right.
When I was in that position, I believed if my partner just did what I wanted them to do, they would be happy. But if they didn’t do what I wanted and were unhappy, I saw it as their fault. It was completely delusional thinking, but that’s how the mind of an abusive person often works.
The reality is, most hurtful people don’t change until they face the ultimate accountability: when the victim decides they’ve had enough and wants to leave.
This becomes their wake-up call. It’s often the first time they consider that they might actually be wrong about their behaviors.
Those who do change – who really heal – become almost unrecognizable to their former victims. I’ve seen relationships become stronger than ever because the hurtful behaviors completely stop. However, this only happens when two things occur: The abusive person fully admits their behavior is wrong and commits to change, AND the victim hasn’t completely sealed their heart shut from too much pain.
Even after the abuser starts healing, emotional triggers can still surface for them. But the difference is in how they handle those triggers – how they react and behave.
Until the abuser is willing to accept that their entire way of treating others has been wrong, true change isn’t possible. If they do accept that, however, they can take the first of (hopefully) many steps toward healing.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks for this insightful article.<3
My question is: What if my abusor has moments where he breaks down in guilt saying that he knows how poorly he’s treating me, and in some ways is changing and trying, but on the other hand keeps emotionally abusing me?
My partner told me many times, that he knows he’s treating me absolutely wrong and swore under tears and with vulnerability that he will change ith his mean and hurtful behavior but still he keeps continuing or even in the next fight say the opposite of what he told me before or blames me for everything.
In my case I know that he doesn’t do that consciously to manipulate me- nevertheless this is one of the parts that hurt me the most and that feel so violent- the regretting and being vulnerable and than every time crashing my hope by then falling back into the same pattens. Its almost like he has two personalities..
First time I took distance from him he went to a intense therapy. For one month he had sessions every day and it did make a huge impact! From there on he stopped being physically aggressive ( before he used to for example beat holes into furniture and scare my deeply with that behavior).
His physical aggressive (he never beat or hurt me physically in any way!!) behavior disappeared almost to a full extend since his therapy. So he is somehow open to work on himself. We also even participated in a coaching for couples together to develop more unity and peace in our relationship. For this he also was open and doing it with me, wich I appreciated a lot. But still- emotionally and mainly verbally he is very violent with me. He continues to when he is triggered say things to me, that humiliate and ashamed me and hurt me in a way I can’t even put into words. He said so many horrible things to me for a period of 2 years that I often feel worthless, desperate, small and so angry and frustrated that I even fall into reactive abuse wich than leads me to feeling ashamed and guilty of my bad behavior and gives him reasons to call me “agressive, hard, treating him so bad, he doesn’t recognize me anymore etc”. This is not who I am, but he continued to dismiss and ignore my feelings and needs and than twist it in such an unfair way back on me that I just can’t take any more pain an injustice and I snap..
What do you think about him somehow doing effort and real work to change (therapy, coaching) but still abusing me ? I now stepped back from him very strictly and I won’t ever allow him to treat my like this agin. And of course now he’s regretting everything and promising to change like he always does. Is there hope, that he will work on the other behavior also like he did with the physical violence? (again he never physically harmed me in any way and I strongly believe he never would!) Or is it just the same loop that will repeat itself ? I can’t live like this anymore I mentally and physically got sick in this relationship and I almost don’t recognize myself anymoere.
Deep in my heart I know, that my partner is a beautiful person. He can have so much kindness and he is working in the social field to help others, although he went trough a lot of trauma himself ( fighting in a war, losing loved ones, being raised and forced to suppress emotions etc) nevertheless he is an emotional abuser and absolutely broke my heart into a million pieces..
Thank you for sharing all of this very challenging situation. Some abusers, like some addicts, absolutely believe their own words when they say, “I promise, I’ll change. I’ll never hurt you again. Please don’t leave me. You’ll never see me act that way again, I swear!”
But, like many addicts who mean it in the moment, when that moment is gone and the fear of loss is no longer present, they return to their homeostatic state, which is usually full of insecurity and poor coping skills. Alcoholics cope by drinking. When a challenge arises and they don’t want to feel the emotions or don’t want to feel vulnerable, they drink.
When an abuser faces a challenge they haven’t worked on in themselves, they abuse. It’s a very predictable cycle and it does not end until the abuser wants to heal and change completely.
He says he wants to, and has made big strides toward doing so, but the fear of loss hasn’t been great enough for him to fully commit. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t consider your suffering (by his words and actions) enough to want to change, but his only focus is on protecting himself by pushing those he loves away from him. And he does so by being hurtful. If you are busy tending to your wounds, he is not the center of attention being made to take accountability for causing those wounds.
An abuser has to want to change so badly that nothing else matters more than healing themselves. But many get so focused on keeping the relationship together that that is the only thing they focus on: Doing whatever it takes to keep you in their life… for the moment. Then, when the moment passes, they can act like their old self again.
Almost every abuser I’ve worked with had to know for a fact that the relationship was over unless they were in a program or therapy. The abusers that say, “I’m so sorry, I promise it will never happen again,” and then it happens again, find out that apologizing profusely is how to stay in control of the relationship because the person they are with never leaves. They see the victim staying a sign that no matter how bad they get, the victim will never leave. So the abuser gets used to the idea that apologizing and making false promises is all they have to do to keep the relationship intact.
Yes, many absolutely mean it in the moment. But here’s the interpretation of the apology:
“Please don’t leave. I don’t want to lose you. I’ll be really nice to you for a few days, I promise. If you stay, you’ll get exactly what you want. Then, when you have hope that I actually might be changing, that’s when I can be my abusive self again. All of this is about my fear of losing the relationship that I must control so I don’t have to change. None of this is about your pain and suffering as that doesn’t matter to me as much as my own. And I’ll always put myself first. You will have to suffer so that I don’t have to.”
Abusers can and do change all the time. I’ve seen it happen many times. But in order for it to happen, these are the essential elements needed for real change:
Self-realization: They must genuinely recognize and accept that their behavior is abusive and toxic. This can’t just come from others pointing it out – it has to be an internal realization, where they are self-motivated to do it regardless if you are in their life or not.
Taking full responsibility: They need to stop blaming others and truly own their behavior. As I teach in Healed Being, they need to adopt the mindset of “If I have a problem with them, it’s my problem, not theirs.” This puts them in self-focus mode instead of always focusing on the other person, constantly micro-observing everything the other person says and does (in order to criticize or control).
Concrete action (not just promises): They need to actually schedule therapy appointments and show up for those appointment, or be in a program and be diligently doing the work. They must continue the work consistently and follow through with changes in real-time.
Humility: They must be humble enough to accept they’re wrong and that they’re at risk of not only losing someone important to them, but maybe messing up many other present and future relationships. That humility is a place most have trouble going. They have to admit that they aren’t right and may be wrong about a lot of things. But not only during fear-of-loss moments! These words have to come out when they are triggered as well, otherwise, they are meaningless.
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Active self-reflection: When triggered, they need to pause and reflect rather than react. They need to consistently ask themselves, “Am I doing or saying this to control them? Am I trying to manipulate this situation?”
Long-term commitment: Change isn’t about fleeting moments of better behavior. Real change shows up as long-term trends where you actually feel different being around them consistently. You can always tell when an abuser has changed because you won’t recognize them. You’ll wonder where the old person you knew went while you stare at this new person wondering who they are.
Remember, while change is possible, it’s not your responsibility to wait for it or to help him achieve it. Some abusers can and do change, but others simply don’t want to or won’t put in the work. Apologetic and heart-felt words during the fear of loss are nothing without immediate follow up. An apology should always be followed up with something concrete.
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. If he knows you will always come back, he may never change. I know that puts a lot on you, but in abusive relationships, at least ONE person has to change for change to happen. And it’s usually not the abuser who decides to do that. When they see the victim change, however, and they realize their about to lose an important relationship, and it has a definite chance of happening, that’s when the best chance of change exists. But that could mean being apart for several months to show that you are serious.
There’s a lot to unpack and I could fill the page with more. But I wanted to give you some things to think about. Also, listen to these episodes if you haven’t already:
https://loveandabuse.com/what-are-the-chances-of-an-emotional-abuser-healing-and-the-relationship-surviving/
https://loveandabuse.com/what-change-really-looks-like-when-the-emotional-abuser-heals/
https://loveandabuse.com/when-they-shower-you-with-love-after-theyve-done-bad-behavior/
https://loveandabuse.com/why-abusive-people-need-to-maintain-power-and-control-over-you/
Stay strong. I love that you are honoring yourself and taking a stand not to accept that behavior any longer. At this point, he should be at one strike and your out position, meaning anything abusive is the end of the line. But that’s my opinion. You do what you need to do for you.
I feel as if i’m the emotional abuser. Is there any way for me to change?
If you’re asking, then the answer is yes. The reason I say that is because people who think they’re abusive and want to change are already reflecting and focusing on themselves and how to show up as a healthier person for themselves and others. Reflecting on your own behaviors means you must care. Focusing on yourself means you don’t want to or maybe even mean to hurt others and you know that you have some healing and growth to do. Yes, you can change. You have to want to, which it sounds like you do. If you want to be more sure if you’re doing emotionally abusive behaviors, I created a “test” of sorts. Just read the questions on this page of Healed Being: https://healedbeing.com/am-i-emotionally-abusive/
Stay strong.
do you think someone who wants to change but lacks empathy can change? I experience cognitive empathy, but I don’t have any affective empathy. it’s not by choice, but it’s how my brain is wired.
I don’t want to be stuck as an abuser forever. can someone without empathy still change?
What you’re saying is that you don’t feel bad when someone you care about feels bad, right? Or am I simplifying it?
My answer to you is absolutely, Yes, someone without empathy can change.
The reason I say that is because even without affective empathy, you are still aware of their emotional state cognitively. That means you can make logical choices in how to treat others. You may not feel how or what they feel, but knowing how they feel and knowing that when they feel sad, hurt, angry, confused, etc, it becomes a matter of choice and consequence. In other words, if you honestly know their emotional state, or can sense it in some way (we know what someone looks and sounds like when they’re happy, sad, etc), then you also know that when you act a certain way or say certain things, their response will be a direct consequence of your actions or words.
What makes that phenomenally advantageous is that you can learn very fast what brings a negative response and what brings a positive one. You know that choice A will being response B and that choice B will bring response C, etc. It sounds cold and computational, but use what you got to your advantage. Empathy is a muscle, though some people believe there are those who can’t access it. But I believe it can be practiced – even if you never get to a fully empathetic state. You practice by saying, “What does it feel like when I’m sad?” and “What would I feel like if that happened to me?” Suddenly you’re empathetic!
I know, simplification. I realize that. But practicing is better than doing nothing. Practicing by making choices that facilitate positive responses is better than not practicing anything.
Your challenge will be dealing with your own reactions and responses. Abusive people have poor and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Because of that, when a challenge comes along (they say or do something you don’t like), you likely react before you think and that causes issues. And you may think having affective empathy would resolve that. It doesn’t always work that way. There are highly empathetic people who have terrible coping skills. So they hurt, control, manipulate, etc so that they don’t have to cope at all. They push their inability to deal with challenges onto others so others can deal with it. It’s like punching someone in the gut because you don’t like the look they gave you. If you don’t like the look they gave you, the healthy thing to do is reflect on why that look bothers you. Then work on healing your inability to cope with that look. That doesn’t require empathy, just healing.
You won’t be stuck as an abuser if you choose to heal and work on your triggers. Even unempathetic people can make better choices about how they treat others. You don’t have to feel what they feel or be in tune with another person to make better choices. It’s all in you, really. Even some empathetic people have trouble getting in tune with others because we’re all so damned complex!
Stay strong. You’re on the right track. You can do this.