Love and Abuse – Manipulation and Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Some people use a specific control tactic to avoid accountability for their bad behaviors: they keep you busy defending yourself.

This approach allows them to escape responsibility for their actions while you exhaust yourself, trying to refute accusations about things you didn’t do.

If you often find yourself trapped in conversations where you’re unable to make your point, this article will help you understand the dynamics at play. It might be time to stop defending what doesn’t need defending and start recognizing the manipulation tactics being used so that you don’t fall for them anymore.

When people come into our lives showing toxic behavior, we often get pulled into a game or control situation that’s hard to escape. Emotional abuse is tough to get out of because we often don’t realize we’re being played.

Today, I want to talk about a specific aspect of emotional abuse that I might call “truth attrition” or “fact erosion,” but those terms are not very catchy. Blame-shifting may be the closest term, but it’s not 100% accurate because that usually involves being blamed for what someone else did.

The term I’m looking for refers to someone who alters facts in a way to keep you busy trying to convince them that you’re not the “bad guy.” I believe it’s important to identify specific behaviors so we can label them when they happen.

Having a name for any type of abusive or toxic behavior helps us spot it and deal with it. We can lay it out, gather all the pieces, and see the bigger picture of what’s going on. When we understand what’s happening in a relationship with toxic behavior or language, we gain some power and more options.

What I’m talking about with these terms is when someone takes facts and twists them to make you believe something other than the truth. For example, someone might say to you, “We talked about this last week, and I said you can’t use the car.”

You might reply, “No, you didn’t. You never said I couldn’t use the car.” Then they insist, “Yes, I did. I remember the conversation clearly.”

But a person twisting the facts will say, “No, you didn’t. I know what you said. This is what you said.” And they’ll make something up – they’ll take something true and turn or twist it around for their benefit.

This truth-twisting is a part of gaslighting, which is meant to make you feel crazy. If you start to believe their made-up reality, you’ll lose trust in yourself and your ability to make decisions. This makes you more vulnerable and puts you in a defensive position.

The focus of this article is the defensive posture you take when this happens. When you become defensive, that’s exactly where the toxic person or manipulator wants you. In that state, you’ll spend all your energy defending yourself and trying to explain the truth to them. By forcing you into this position, the focus shifts from them to you.

We can do this to ourselves sometimes. Someone says something about us, and we immediately say, “No, that’s not true at all. Let me explain what really happened.”

We can spend a lot of time defending ourselves, especially in toxic situations where we’re most vulnerable. It’s like being in a small boat with a hole. All you have is a tiny bucket to scoop out the water, but it keeps coming in faster than you can scoop it out.

The water filling your boat represents the other person keeping you on the defense. If they keep you defensive, you can’t catch up, and eventually, you’ll get tired and wear out as you try to remove the water. Soon enough, you’ll sink. That’s when they’ve got you where they want you because you’ve spent all your energy trying to empty the boat with that little bucket.

My advice is to jump off the boat and swim to shore. In other words, don’t defend yourself. I know this is hard to do. Your character, integrity, morality, and even the legality of your actions might be questioned. You’ll feel like someone’s looking down on you, and you’ll want to correct them. You’ll want to make sure they see the good in you, not the bad image they’re creating.

Some people want to keep you on the defense so that you’ll keep the focus on yourself, trying to make sure they know you aren’t the person they are painting you out to be. This happens naturally in all of us: When someone says something negative about us, whether it’s true or not, we have a tendency to want to change their perception of us or the events that took place.

That’s where the downward spiral begins. That’s when the hole shows up in the boat, and you can’t keep it floating with your tiny bucket.

They want to wear you down, keeping you busy defending yourself. The truth is, you’re wearing yourself down by trying to convince them of the truth. Since they know you’ll eventually wear out (sinking your boat), they keep you on the defense until you give up.

Have you ever reached that give-up point with someone in your life? I know I have. In my twenties, I lived with a girl who could win every argument we had. We didn’t understand emotional abuse or toxic behavior back then. All we knew was how to communicate based on what we learned as children by watching others. We all go through this.

I couldn’t figure out why I never won an argument! And it wasn’t even about winning so much as it was just wanting to feel right sometimes.

Looking back, after learning about psychology, manipulation, and emotional abuse, I realized she was doing and saying things that made me feel small and drained my energy during our heated conversations. I don’t think she meant to do it. Not all people are aware of their own toxic behavior. It’s just how they’ve learned to communicate during their upbringing.

Some people figure this out and can learn to heal and stop toxic behavior (my Healed Being program is a good example of this), while others can’t. And, sometimes, we have to figure out if the person we’re talking to is capable of healing or not to make sure we don’t get stuck with someone who isn’t willing to reflect on how they’re acting and stop hurting people who care about them.

In that past relationship, I discovered that the woman I was with would minimize me, invalidate me, and sometimes stonewall me. If you’re not familiar with these terms, listen to some episodes of the Love and Abuse podcast. Stonewalling, for example, is when someone puts up a wall and refuses to talk anymore.

She did that quite a bit. But more often, she kept putting me on the defense. When she did that, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to explain myself. I’d say, “No, that’s not who I am. You’re seeing me wrong. This is who I am. This is what I did. This is what we said to each other a week ago.”

And she’d counter with more things I had to defend myself against. I spent the entire argument defending myself instead of making my point.

“Stop defending yourself” might sound strange. I mean, yes, there are times when you should defend yourself. But ask yourself if you are defending yourself against someone who actually wants to keep you in defense mode. Are they someone who wants you to keep explaining yourself so that you’ll use up all your energy?

When you spend all your energy, you become weak. You become vulnerable, but not in a good way where you can let your guard down with someone you trust. It’s the kind of vulnerability that leaves you open to more attacks or wear and tear. It’s emotional erosion.

When this happens, facts get worn away like water erodes land, creating rills and gullies on a hillside. Your belief system, your ability to make good decisions, your trust in your gut feelings, and your faith in your own intelligence all get worn away, and you waste your energy defending yourself against someone who isn’t interested in interaction. They are only interested in you becoming exhausted and submissive.

This is all part of the bigger picture of emotional abuse.

How to Stop Defending Yourself

This is really important. When you find yourself getting defensive, ask yourself if you normally become defensive when you talk to this person. Do you spend most of your time defending yourself during your interactions with them?

If you do, stop.

I know, easier said than done. It’s hard because we get emotionally triggered. But let me give you some tools for when you’re in this situation and really feel the need to defend yourself. Instead of jumping into that emotional, defensive state, here’s one way to respond:

“That’s not right (or “that’s not true”), and you know it.”

Think about that. If they said, “Last week, you said this!” and it wasn’t true, or they twisted the facts, instead of defending yourself by saying, “No, I didn’t,” which usually comes from an emotional trigger because you’re upset and want them to know the truth, try something different, like telling them in a calm but firm way, “That’s not true, and you know it.”

Of course, if they’re the type of person who wants to keep you defensive, they might reply, “Yes, it is. I know it is. That’s exactly what happened.” They’ll make something up or just tell you you’re wrong.

The next thing you might say is:

“I’m sorry you think that, but I’m not going to waste my energy defending myself.”

However, be prepared for the toxic person to work with this response, too. They know how to twist your words and throw them back at you, making you feel guilty, responsible, or bad about yourself. They might ask, “How could you do this? What kind of person are you?”

Their words will hurt. And you’ll likely feel emotionally triggered. But these responses are something you can practice. It’s like an experiment. And you may need to do that if you have little choice but to be around someone who treats you this way.

The key is not to jump into a defensive mode or try to correct them. It’s better to simply state, “It’s not true, and you know it.”

When they insist on what you supposedly did, repeat, “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to waste my energy defending myself.”

You know the truth. And so do they. They may keep pushing, and you might need to leave the room. And they may follow you and keep badgering you. That’s why this intimidation tactic can be so effective. Someone doing this can be relentless, hoping you eventually give in and give up.

I witnessed this at a retail store once. A customer had switched price tags on two products, putting the lesser price on the product they wanted. When the customer tried to buy it, the clerk pointed out the “mistake” price. The customer became very upset, insisting on getting the item for the tagged price. He got angrier and louder as the clerk told him the price was incorrect and there was no way he could sell it for that price.

Soon, the customer was literally screaming at the top of his lungs. He was trying to make the clerk wrong and give in, give up, and sell it for the price on the box. I’d bet anything this customer has done this before, trying to make the other person feel defeated and give in.

This tactic can and does work. Sometimes, people give in just to make the other person back off. But I was impressed by this clerk. He stood his ground, saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t do it,” over and over again, even when the entire store was watching this unfold. The clerk never budged.

Finally, the customer gave up and left. I was glad to see someone stand their ground and say, “I’m sorry, this is not what we sell it for. This is the wrong price.” If the customer had brought in an advertisement with that price, it might have been a different outcome. But this was clearly a case of switched tags. The customer was trying to wear down the clerk to put the focus back on him and make him waste energy defending himself. But it didn’t work because the clerk didn’t fall for the trick.

When someone like the customer in this story, for example, has nothing to work with, they can get louder, angrier, and more rude. They can also become more intimidating until they finally get their way.

Putting you on the defense is the game.

It’s hard to be around someone who plays a game like this – someone who becomes increasingly agitated with you even though you did nothing wrong. They play this game because they have nothing else to work with. They don’t have facts. They just have tactics. So, in some cases, they become more belligerent and loud, increasing the intensity until they get their way.

If you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial to be aware of certain behaviors that might indicate someone is trying to manipulate or control you. Becoming louder and more obnoxious is one way.

Another tactic some toxic people use is what I call “overriding your brain.” They bombard you with nonstop talking, trying to convince you and tell you how you should perceive things. They talk endlessly, and you become worn down, waiting for them to stop.

This is an intimidation tactic, too, but it doesn’t always come across as intimidating. Often, it seems logical, analytical, and well-thought-out because many toxic people can be quite clever. However, it’s really a constant barrage of talking designed to wear you down until you give in.

I might call this “verbal attrition,” where the manipulator aims to exhaust you over a period of minutes or hours (or even days), making you weaker, more vulnerable, and less able to defend yourself. Sometimes, they just want you to put all your energy into defending yourself because it tires you out.

Other times, they try to put you in a position where you can’t defend yourself at all. They cover every angle, telling you what you did wrong, how you’re wrong, why your thinking is wrong, how you misused your money or time, or how you’re seeing their point incorrectly. They keep talking until you finally give in, letting them unleash the rest of their tirade of thoughts all over you. This part of the game is designed to make you vulnerable and weak so they can control you. The non-stop talking is a submission tactic that works because you’ll do anything to make them stop, eventually submitting, letting them get away with whatever they’re trying to do.

Once you understand these control and submission tactics, you can start recognizing them when they occur. Knowing when this is happening in a conversation can help to make you conscious of it and maybe even give you a chance to pull out of it before it goes down the rabbit hole.

Think of an incident that occurred recently where you felt yourself on the defense the whole time. Can you think of similar incidents in the past where you felt the same way? Comparing past events can give you a clue as to whether you keep falling for this tactic over and over again.

My advice is to try to catch these emotionally abusive behaviors as they start. You can usually feel it happening at first. You can tell yourself, “This doesn’t feel right,” or something that reminds you to stay present as whatever’s happening unfolds. Stay cognizant of the feelings as they come up inside you. You might even have the thought, “Oh, this is happening again.”

When you sense it, recognize and label the emotions you’re having. And remember to stay conscious of what the other person is saying and doing and how you’re responding to what they’re saying and doing, even though it will be hard. They’ll try to knock you off balance. You might start the conversation with one point, but they’ll twist it and make it about something else. Or, they’ll comment on something you’re doing wrong or something you’re not doing right.

You may need to defend yourself for a moment, but always come back to your original point. This means that you shouldn’t let them cause you to lose track of your thought processes. Just return to what you were originally intending to talk about by saying, “Okay, you have all those things to say about me. That’s fine. We can address those things. But first, let’s come back to this point and resolve it before we get to your points.”

Doing this acknowledges what they’ve said but also lets them know that in a fair conversation, you have your time to speak, and they have theirs. Sometimes, you have to force fairness when they are trying to take it away. And sometimes, fairness isn’t possible, unfortunately.

With some people, having a fair conversation truly is impossible. That’s why you need to keep learning about emotionally abusive behavior and the strategies a toxic person will employ. Doing so helps you stay in control and makes you less likely to fall for manipulation or control tactics.

It’s so important to keep educating yourself about this to stay safe. It prevents you from giving in, feeling defeated, and letting them win over and over. When that happens, your spirit gets worn down. And that can feel like permanent defeat.