Love and Abuse – Manipulation and Emotional Abuse in Relationships

One of the biggest challenges for someone dealing with a manipulative or narcissistic partner is that others don’t see what happens behind closed doors.

The manipulator often appears kind and generous to the outside world, treating everyone else with respect and seeming genuinely nice. So when you try to tell friends about the manipulation, they might say things like, “What? I don’t see that at all! They do that? I don’t believe you.”

The manipulator wins when all your friends believe you’re the one who’s unstable, while seeing your partner as the one who has to deal with your “craziness.” Your friends and family don’t live with the manipulator, so they don’t witness the subtle harmful behavior that happens in private.

Think of it like a car – what people see is the shiny exterior, the family image shown to the world. But under the hood, where the real mechanics happen – how the car runs and operates – things might be real messy.

Someone with narcissistic tendencies or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) can maintain a really good, generous side that they show to others. But as soon as they’re in an intimate relationship, that side disappears – at least toward their partner.

This happens because narcissists view their closest relationships as extensions of themselves. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you become like another limb to them – something they want to control completely. They want to decide what you do, how you look, how you behave, etc. You’re not seen as a separate person with your own wants and needs. Instead, you’re expected to be exactly what they want you to be and do exactly what they want you to do.

The only thing that matters to the narcissist is what the narcissist wants.

To a narcissist, your own desires are irrelevant unless they perfectly align with theirs. This creates a situation where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their disapproval while slowly losing your sense of self.

The narcissist may deliberately give you contradictory instructions, telling you to do one thing today and something completely different tomorrow. This isn’t random behavior – it’s a calculated way to keep you confused and constantly questioning yourself. When you’re in this state of perpetual uncertainty, you become more dependent on them for guidance and direction.

The term “narcissist” often serves as an umbrella term for emotional abusers, manipulators, and controllers. While the clinical definition focuses on someone with excessive self-interest and self-admiration, the most crucial aspect often goes unstated: their complete lack of empathy.

This absence of empathy is what makes relationships with narcissistic individuals particularly challenging. Whether it’s a family member or romantic partner, when someone has no empathy for you, they pursue their wants with complete disregard for your feelings. They don’t consider how their actions affect you because, when it comes down to it, they really don’t care how you feel.

In the context of a narcissistic relationship, what exists isn’t really a “relationship” at all – it’s a power dynamic where one person dominates and the other is supposed to submit. The narcissist’s goal isn’t to build a mutual connection but to maintain control and power over the other person. Their behavior patterns, from the contradictory demands to the emotional manipulation, all serve to reinforce this dominant-submissive model.

When caught in this dynamic, you’re faced with an impossible choice: either constantly try to please the narcissist or engage in endless conflict. The tragic reality is that trying to please them is a losing battle – you’ll never be “good enough” because they’ve designed the game to be unwinnable.

Even when you do something perfectly, they’ll find fault with it or question your motives. They might claim that what appeared to be a kind gesture was actually self-serving, or that your good deed had hidden malicious intent. This constant criticism and second-guessing is exhausting and deliberately designed to keep you off-balance.

What’s particularly insidious is how they project their own behaviors onto you. When they accuse you of lying, it’s often because they’re the ones being dishonest. When they claim you’re trying to harm them or make them feel bad, it’s typically a reflection of their own intentions toward you. This isn’t random – it’s a calculated strategy to keep you on the defensive.

By constantly redirecting focus onto your supposed flaws or misdeeds, they accomplish two things: they keep you too busy defending yourself to notice their behavior, and they maintain their position of power. It’s all about keeping the spotlight off themselves and their actions.

The moment you try to turn that spotlight back on them, they switch tactics – suddenly becoming the victim, redirecting attention, doing whatever it takes to avoid accountability.

The narcissist’s primary goal is to keep you questioning yourself rather than reflecting on their own behavior.

When talking about harmful relationship dynamics, the term “emotional abuse” often better describes the range of behaviors than “narcissism.”

Emotional abuse is about the subtle, persistent behaviors used to control and manipulate others, molding the victim of their behaviors into whoever the abusive person wants them to be.

The goal of emotionally abusive behavior is to make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s actions. When the emotional abuser does something hurtful, they want you to feel bad about it. If you feel bad about something they made you feel responsible for, it allows them to continue their behavior without consequences. Why? Because you’re so focused on what you did wrong, you might be blind to what they made you believe you did wrong.

A Real Story Under The Hood

“Linda” (not her real name) sent me the following message:

“After 26 years, I finally separated, and to everyone else, it seemed that I had a perfect marriage. Four months after listening to many of your podcasts and purchasing your M.E.A.N. Workbook, I’m starting to understand narcissism. I realize that he has many narcissistic tendencies, and I am an extreme empath.

I’ve now emotionally separated myself, and I feel in a better place. My question is, how do I explain what went wrong when friends and relatives are confused about our recent separation? I don’t want people to think that I just wanted out for no real reason. Yet, I don’t want people to think badly of him, and yet I want people to realize that I wouldn’t be going through this hell for no good reason. When all looked so good on the outside, it’s hard for others who are close to me to grasp. Thanks for all your great work.”

Linda’s story perfectly illustrates the car analogy I referred to earlier: People see what appears to be a healthy and maybe even happy relationship on the outside. But under the hood (what’s really going on in the relationship), there’s an entirely different story.

Like many victims of emotional abuse, Linda alone witnessed its reality: the daily accumulation of subtle, harmful behaviors that gradually wore her down. And now she faces a common challenge: how to explain her separation to friends and family who only saw the perfect exterior.

She doesn’t want to villainize her ex-husband, yet needs others to understand she wouldn’t end a 26-year marriage without serious cause. This is particularly difficult because emotional abuse leaves no visible scars – its damage is cumulative, building up through countless small incidents over time.

True friends will believe and support you, even if they can’t fully understand what you’ve experienced. While it might seem naive to expect unconditional support, real friendship means standing by someone during their hardest moments, even when the full picture isn’t visible to the outside world.

When you’re going through a separation, you need people who will trust your judgment and support your decisions, especially when you’ve made the difficult choice to prioritize your own well-being. These supporters don’t need to witness the abuse firsthand to validate your experience – they should trust that you wouldn’t make such a life-altering decision without good reason.

You can help those who may not understand your decision by sharing specific examples of what you’ve endured:

• Constant feelings of guilt
• Being blamed and made responsible for all problems
• Walking on eggshells
• Carefully choosing every word to avoid upset

These patterns of behavior might seem small as individual one-offs, but their cumulative effect is devastating. Each instance represents a piece of a larger pattern of control and manipulation that gradually erodes your sense of self and security in the relationship.

The challenge isn’t only just about leaving – sometimes it’s helping others understand why you had to leave. While you can’t make everyone understand your experience, those who truly care about you will listen and support your decision to choose a healthier path for yourself.

Others May Minimize Emotionally Abusive Behavior

When you try to explain emotional abuse to others, you often hit a frustrating wall. If you share an incident with someone who cares about you, for example, when your partner made you feel guilty, their response might be, “What exactly did they do?”

Then, when you explain what happened, they might dismiss the abusive behavior with, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

When you’ve been made to feel guilty over and over again throughout the years, this dismissal will leave you feeling even more isolated because it’s so hard to adequately convey the weight of these experiences to someone who isn’t in your shoes.

The term “flying monkey” describes those friends and family members who side with the abusive partner. They see the abuser as the rational, logical one while viewing you – the actual victim – as irrational and unstable. This happens because emotional abuse is notoriously difficult to explain in concrete terms that others can understand. You find yourself becoming increasingly frustrated trying to make others comprehend your experience.

In cases where people can’t seem to understand your plight, you could just tell them, “I feel bad every single day.” Of course, that doesn’t capture the reality of living with someone who constantly shifts their tactics and finds new ways to hurt you. Their abuse can be like a moving target – always changing, always present, but impossible to pin down in a way that makes sense to outsiders.

Even more painful is when friends and family claim to trust and believe you but then add, “I just don’t see it.” This creates a maddening dynamic where their lingering doubt prevents them from fully supporting you. They can’t reconcile the public face of your partner with your private reality, leaving you stranded between truth and perception.

While narcissistic people often maintain a network of supporters who trust and believe them unconditionally, their victims struggle to articulate their experiences. The abuser’s ability to orchestrate situations and manipulate perceptions means they frequently gather a strong circle of believers around them.

When you’re in the midst of emotional abuse, recognition becomes incredibly difficult. You can’t always identify what’s happening because you’re too close to it. The signs are subtle, but profound, like a persistent feeling of something being wrong, constant guilt as mentioned previously, growing indecision, and loss of trust in your own judgment.

The manipulator’s skill lies in making you believe you’re causing your own problems. They orchestrate situations so masterfully that you start questioning your own reality, believing that maybe you are the source of all the problems in the relationship.

The cruel irony is how this plays out with other close people in your life. The abuser often gets ahead of the narrative, telling friends and family, “I’ve tried everything, but this is just how she is – she goes crazy.”

Then, when you try to explain your experience to those same friends and family, you might become emotional or frustrated, unable to articulate the subtle psychological warfare you’re enduring. And your emotional response only seems to confirm the abuser’s story about you, leading everyone to think, “This is exactly what we were warned about.”

This pattern reinforces your isolation and self-doubt, making it even harder to trust your own perceptions or find support when you need it most.

Why Doesn’t Anyone Believe How Bad It Really Is?

One of the most frustrating responses victims hear is, “Well, you stayed all this time, so it couldn’t have been that bad,” or “I’ve never seen that side of them,” implying that the emotional abuse must not really exist and it’s all in your mind.

These dismissive comments completely miss how emotional abuse operates and why people stay in these relationships.

Being highly empathetic can also make it harder to understand narcissistic behavior. When you’re naturally empathetic, it’s almost impossible to comprehend how someone could completely lack concern for others’ feelings. The disconnect between an empath’s worldview and a narcissist’s behavior creates a massive barrier to accepting that anyone would ever act that way.

To truly grasp how a narcissistic person operates, you’d need to imagine having absolutely no empathy – not just less empathy, but none at all. Imagine driving onto your neighbor’s lawn, leaving tire marks, and feeling absolutely nothing about damaging their property. No guilt, no concern, no second thoughts.

For an empathetic person, this kind of behavior feels alien and wrong, which is precisely why it’s so hard to recognize and understand when someone acts that way with you.

This is why educating yourself is crucial, but it’s also why the learning curve can feel so steep. You’re essentially trying to understand a mindset that operates completely contrary to your natural way of thinking and feeling. Your empathy, which is normally a strength, can actually blind you to the reality of what’s happening in an emotionally abusive relationship.

When someone completely lacks empathy, they can witness another person in pain – even someone falling and getting hurt right in front of them – and feel absolutely nothing. They don’t reach out to help. They don’t express concern. They simply observe without any emotional response.

For empathetic people, this kind of behavior is almost impossible to comprehend. When you have empathy, you’re naturally inclined to help someone in distress. You feel compelled to reach out, especially when witnessing someone’s pain firsthand.

I remember hurting myself in front of a sociopath I know. It’s someone I don’t spend any time with, but I had no choice but to be around him that day. I was on his front porch and I didn’t know he had major holes in the wood floor of the porch. I took a step to the side and fell through one of the holes right in front of him, hurting my leg.

Sociopaths do not have empathy. He watched me fall and showed no emotional reaction. He didn’t even put his hand out to help me out. He barely said anything at all.

Normally, if you tripped on someone’s porch, they’d say something along the lines of, “Oh no, are you okay? I’m so sorry. I should have moved/fixed that! Let me help you.”

In my case, he didn’t even acknowledge the incident or apologize for the dangerous condition. This complete absence of basic human concern revealed his true nature – someone entirely lacking in empathy.

Regarding the dynamic between empaths and narcissists, it creates a particularly toxic relationship:

Narcissists specifically target empathetic people because they know these individuals will naturally feel compassion and concern for others.

The narcissist doesn’t need to reciprocate emotional support – they only need to ensure their target keeps trying to gain their attention and approval. This constant seeking of validation from the empath becomes the narcissist’s supply, feeding their need for attention while never giving anything meaningful in return.

True narcissism is nearly impossible to fully comprehend when you possess empathy. A lack of empathy is a fundamental part of the disorder. While someone might have narcissistic tendencies with minimized empathy, a true narcissist lacks it entirely.

In my past relationships, I relied more on getting my selfish needs met and less on how others felt, though I was still an empathetic person in many other ways. Thankfully, my empathy did end up strengthening as my selfish needs diminished, helping me to finally feel genuine remorse when I saw how my behaviors were hurting those I loved.

That small spark of empathy I felt became the catalyst for real change and deep self-examination. This is what makes healing possible for someone with narcissistic tendencies versus true narcissism – the presence of even minimal empathy can grow into something more.

The turning point for me came when I faced losing my marriage. The prospect of losing something so valuable to me made me confront my behaviors and truly want to change – not just for myself but for my wife’s comfort and happiness.

This taught me a valuable lesson about how to tell if someone has empathy: Ask them what would hurt the most if they lost it. When they tell you, ask them, “If you lost that, how would you feel?”

If they said, “I would feel awful,” then you can say, “Now you know how I feel.”

If they can step into their own hurt, and you say to them something along the lines of, “The way you’re feeling now is how I feel,” you might get them connect with their empathy.

You can help them understand others’ pain by drawing that parallel – “Now you know how I feel.” However, this connection only works if they have some capacity for empathy to begin with.

Trying to connect with someone through empathy doesn’t always succeed, especially if they fundamentally don’t care about how others feel. But if there’s even a small chance of making that connection, it might be worth attempting.

Regarding Linda’s situation about explaining her separation: Linda, it’s important to understand that you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. Simply stating, “It wasn’t working, and I wanted out,” is completely sufficient. That’s all you need to say to anyone who asks.

When people press for more details, they’re often seeking gossip. There’s no benefit in feeding into that, as they’ll likely spread whatever you say to others or even back to your ex. A simple “I wanted out” is enough. The more you explain, the more people will want to know, and the more they’ll interpret your words in ways that may not serve you well.

This is especially crucial when you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex, as they’ve likely already crafted their narrative to others. They’re skilled at preparing friends and family to view you as irrational or unstable, regardless of what you say.

The narcissist anticipates your potential explanations and preemptively frames them in a way that undermines your credibility. That’s precisely why saying very little is your best protection.

Remember, you don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone. The less you say, the less ammunition others have to use against you or twist into something else entirely.

It can be easier to keep explanations minimal when discussing the end of a relationship, anyway. Simply stating “things didn’t work out” is far better than listing specific behaviors or conflicts.

Often, perceptive people will understand the situation without needing details. A victim of emotional abuse who says less about their breakup or relationship struggles typically appears more credible, too. Someone who overshares might seem like they’re trying too hard to convince others of their version of events. That’s not to say you can’t be as detailed as you want with people you trust.

When dealing with a narcissist or emotional abuser, it’s important to recognize that they’ve likely been conditioning people’s perceptions for years. The people you’re talking to may already have a biased understanding of your relationship dynamics based on what the abuser has shown them. These carefully crafted impressions are extremely difficult to overcome.

Narcissists are strategic – they often spend a lot of time building credibility with others, specifically to prepare for moments of conflict or separation. By the time you try to explain your side, their narrative is already firmly established. Sharing too many details with friends and family you are both connected to might give the abuser more material to manipulate and use against you, leaving you constantly defending and explaining yourself.

The best approach is to keep it simple with anyone you don’t have full trust with:
“It was over. It wasn’t working anymore. This is my decision, and I’m happy with it.”

Supportive friends and family will accept this without pressing for details. You can always share more later, after time has passed and emotions have settled. But while everything is fresh, keeping your statements minimal will be a better approach to protecting yourself from having your words twisted or used against you.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, anything you say can be weaponized by a narcissist, who will distort your words to paint you as unstable, crazy, or malicious while they position themselves as the victim. They excel at running smear campaigns that can cost you relationships with friends and family.

The tragedy is that people don’t need to be completely naive to fall for it – they just need to have been gradually conditioned through the narcissist’s careful priming (getting people prepared in advance to accept their falsehoods as truths).

When a narcissist feeds their carefully crafted lies to these “primed” individuals, making you look like the villain, these friends and family members are already predisposed to believe the narcissist’s version of events. It’s an enormous challenge to overcome this dynamic.

I witnessed this firsthand with my wife. She was married to a sociopath who, despite his repeated infidelity both before and after their marriage, became enraged when she sought a divorce. One of his family members consistently criticized and blamed her, having completely bought into his lies.

It wasn’t until this family member learned the truth from an outside source that their perspective finally shifted. Nothing my wife said could penetrate the wall of manipulation – her words were automatically dismissed and disbelieved. Her ex’s family members had become his “flying monkeys,” essentially extensions of his manipulative reach, blindly supporting him and spreading his false narrative.

When dealing with a narcissist’s supporters – their minions and flying monkeys – there’s really nothing you can do to change their minds. The truth will have to reveal itself to them in its own time and way. This is precisely why keeping details minimal is crucial.

To Linda: Don’t worry about whether people think badly of him. The narcissist will shape others’ perceptions exactly how they want regardless of what you do or say. Your ex will craft whatever story serves them best, regardless of the truth or your actions. People will form their own opinions of your relationship issues no matter what, so let them.

If you feel compelled to give a reason beyond “things didn’t work out,” the simplest truth is often most powerful:

“I’m just tired of being with someone who makes me feel bad about myself.”

This captures the essence of emotional abuse – being made to feel guilty and responsible, never being able to do anything right despite your best efforts, and constantly feeling bad about yourself. It’s an exhausting cycle that eventually breaks you down.

While some self-help experts might say something like, “No one can make you feel anything,” I’ve witnessed firsthand how someone can systematically break down another person’s sense of self-worth.

Sure, we technically have choices in how we respond to situations and whether to stay with toxic people. But those choices aren’t always clear when you’re in the thick of it. When we look at all the variables, there’s usually a choice available, even if we don’t like the consequences of making that choice.

And yes, I realize one could argue that by staying in a relationship with an abusive person, the victim is choosing to expose themselves to harm. But that acknowledgment doesn’t diminish the reality of emotional abuse or make it any less damaging to the person experiencing it. It also doesn’t take into the reality that many abuse victims have been primed to accept the abuse because they deserve it.

The truth is, of course, no one deserves to be abused. But after years of being drip-fed emotionally abusive behavior, a victim of that behavior disintegrates from the inside out, losing much of who they were. It becomes increasingly difficult to make sound decisions or even have the mental strength to make big decisions that are sure to affect their lives dramatically.

Emotional abuse systematically strips away your ability to believe in yourself and make choices that are right for you.

When you deeply trust someone – someone you’ve felt safe being vulnerable with, someone who’s proven themselves trustworthy and shown they care about you – they gain tremendous power to manipulate how you feel about yourself.

After spending enough time with them, you naturally believe what they say because they’ve established that foundation of trust. They’ve demonstrated their intelligence, shown their love, and offered support. So when they begin saying untrue things about you, those statements carry weight because of that established trust.

That’s why I firmly believe others can make you feel bad, even though there are those who might disagree with me. When someone tells you, “You had a choice to feel good or bad about this or that,” they don’t understand the complex dynamics of manipulation by narcissistic, deceptive people. In these situations, that choice isn’t really there.

I know I keep saying this, but remember, it’s best to:

• Keep your explanations brief and simple.
• Don’t share details unless you’re certain someone is truly on your side.

Most people don’t grasp the intricacies of emotional abuse or narcissism. They can’t comprehend what you’re experiencing, though some will. There are rare moments when someone truly gets it – like when my wife’s therapist said when she was married to that sociopath. Her therapist said, “I know exactly what’s happening here.”

When my wife heard those words, someone who finally understood her challenges, she broke down crying because she no longer felt completely alone. It was as if she read my wife’s mind and understood her pain and struggle more than anyone ever has.

While these understanding people can be hard to find, know that you are not alone either. There are others who understand exactly what you’re going through, and you have support available to help you through this difficult time.

Going through this process will be challenging, and they’ll likely use every manipulation tactic they know. Because of that, the Gray Rock Technique – staying deliberately dull, boring, and non-reactive to their behavior – can be incredibly helpful during this time. Because the moment they get under your skin and you become emotionally triggered, you’ll appear to be the irrational one, giving them ammunition to use against you.

When it comes to friends and family, the situation is straightforward: they either support your decisions to honor yourself and do what’s right for you, or they don’t. There’s rarely a middle ground in these situations.

And remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices. This is your life, your decision, and you have every right to make it without justifying yourself to anyone else.