When you say something clear and direct, and the person you’re talking to somehow turns it into something completely different, you’re left wondering if you even said what you thought you said.
This twisting of your words is one of the most frustrating experiences in a difficult relationship because it makes you feel like you can’t communicate anything without it being distorted.
You might say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call,” and somehow it becomes, “So you’re saying I’m a terrible person who never does anything right.”
You didn’t say that. You didn’t even imply that. But now you’re defending yourself against an accusation you never made, while your original concern gets buried and forgotten.
This happens because the person twisting your words doesn’t want to address what you actually said. What you said might require them to look at their behavior, take responsibility, or make a change. Twisting your words allows them to avoid all of that. Instead of dealing with the real issue, they create a different issue that puts you on the defensive.
When your words get twisted, you end up explaining yourself over and over, trying to clarify what you meant, trying to get them to understand your actual point. But no matter how clearly you explain, they keep misinterpreting. That’s because the misinterpretation is the point. As long as they can keep you explaining and defending, they never have to address the original concern you brought up.
The other thing word-twisting does is make you doubt yourself. After enough times of having your words turned into something unrecognizable, you start to wonder if maybe you’re not communicating clearly… Maybe you are saying things wrong… Maybe you are being too sensitive or too demanding. You become so focused on how you’re saying things that you lose sight of whether what you’re saying even matters.
Clear communication requires two willing participants. You can say something as clearly and kindly as possible, but if the other person is determined to twist it, they will. That’s not a failure on your part. That’s a choice on their part.
If you find yourself constantly clarifying, constantly saying “That’s not what I meant,” constantly feeling misunderstood, it might not be about your communication skills. It might be about the other person’s unwillingness to hear you accurately.
You deserve to have your words taken at face value. You deserve to express a concern without having it turned into an attack. You deserve to be heard for what you actually said, not what someone decides you said.
The episode When You’re Constantly Defending Yourself explores this subject further and might be helpful if you want to understand more about why this happens.
