When someone keeps telling you that you’re overreacting, eventually you start to believe them. You begin questioning whether your feelings are valid or if you’re just being too sensitive. That’s exactly what they want to happen.
The truth is that they’re making you responsible for their behavior. Instead of addressing what they did or said that hurt you, they’re flipping the script so the conversation becomes about your reaction.
And while in reaction mode, you’re defending yourself instead of them taking responsibility and being accountable. It’s a redirect, and it works because most people would rather question themselves than believe someone they love is manipulating them.
Let’s say they forget your birthday for the third year in a row. When you express hurt, they don’t apologize or acknowledge the pattern. Instead, they say, “You’re overreacting. It’s just a birthday. Why do you always make such a big deal out of everything?”
Suddenly, you’re the problem. Your hurt feelings become the issue, not their repeated dismissal of something important to you.
Or maybe you ask them to stop making jokes about your weight. They laugh it off and say, “I’m just kidding. You’re so sensitive. I can’t say anything around you anymore.”
Now you feel guilty for having a boundary. And you start wondering if maybe you really are too sensitive and if maybe you should just learn to ‘take a joke.’
Manipulative people train you to shrink your feelings, second-guess your instincts, and believe that your emotional responses are the real problem.
And because of that, over time, you decide to stop bringing things up because you don’t want to be accused of overreacting again:
You swallow your hurt.
You minimize your needs.
You become smaller and smaller until there’s barely anything left of what you actually feel.
When someone consistently tells you that you overreact, what they’re really saying is: “Your feelings are inconvenient to me, and I don’t want to deal with them.”
People who do this want you to stop having reactions that require them to change their behavior or face consequences.
Your emotional responses hold up a mirror, and they don’t like what they see reflected back.
Someone who cares about you doesn’t repeatedly dismiss your feelings. They might not always understand your perspective right away, but they don’t make you feel crazy for having one.
When you’re hurt, someone who cares about you wants to know why. They ask questions. They listen. They might even say, “I don’t fully get it, but I can see this matters to you.” That’s what love, support, and respect look like.
Is there an appropriate response to someone who uses this manipulation on you, accusing you of overreacting?
You could say: “I’m not overreacting. I’m reacting to what you did, and I need you to hear me.”
That is a very appropriate and healthy response. But be prepared for them to double down. They might get defensive, tell you you’re being dramatic, or walk away. If that happens, it speaks volumes about who they are and how much they care about your feelings.
Someone who respects you doesn’t punish you for expressing hurt.
If bringing up legitimate concerns consistently leads to you being called too sensitive, too emotional, or too much, you’re not in a safe space to be yourself. You’re being conditioned to accept mistreatment without protest. That’s not love. Love isn’t about putting someone down, making them feel inadequate or small.
You’re not overreacting when you feel hurt by hurtful behavior.
You’re not being too sensitive when you ask to be treated with basic respect.
And you’re not being dramatic when you refuse to accept crumbs and call it a meal.
Your feelings exist for a reason. They tell you when something is wrong, when a boundary has been crossed, and when you’re not being valued the way you deserve.
The problem isn’t your reaction. It’s their unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions.
When someone repeatedly makes you feel like you’re the problem for having feelings, they are the problem.
You should never be made to feel like you’re too much for simply being human.
*This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to pinpoint all the abusive behaviors in your relationship.
Suggested listening:
https://loveandabuse.com/the-youre-too-sensitive-game/
https://loveandabuse.com/is-it-reactive-abuse-or-a-normal-response-to-emotionally-abusive-behavior/