One of the most confusing questions you can face in a difficult relationship is whether you’re the one causing the harm or whether you’re being manipulated into believing you are. When someone tells you repeatedly that you’re abusive, controlling, or toxic, you start to wonder if they’re right, considering that maybe everything they’re saying about you is true.
This confusion is especially strong if you’ve reacted badly to their behavior. Maybe you’ve yelled when you normally don’t yell; Maybe you’ve said hurtful things; Maybe you’ve checked their phone or questioned where they’ve been. When you look at those behaviors, they don’t look or feel good. And when the other person points to those behaviors as proof that you’re the abusive one, it might be hard to argue.
But what often gets left out of that picture is what led to those reactions. If someone has been lying to you, manipulating you, belittling you, or controlling you for months or years, your reactions to that treatment aren’t abuse. They’re responses to abuse.
There’s a difference between someone who consistently uses power and control tactics to dominate another person and someone who has reached a breaking point after being mistreated.
The person who is actually being abusive will often accuse the other person of being abusive as a way to deflect attention from their own behavior. It’s a very effective tactic because it puts you on the defensive. And instead of addressing their hurtful behavior, you’re busy defending yourself against their accusations: You’re examining every word you’ve said, every action you’ve taken, trying to prove you’re not the monster they’re making you out to be.
One way to tell the difference is to look at the pattern over time.
Are you the one consistently controlling, manipulating, and dominating? Or are you the one constantly walking on eggshells, apologizing, and trying to manage their reactions?
Are you the one who refuses to take responsibility for anything? Or are you the one taking responsibility for everything, including things that aren’t your fault?
Another way to tell is to ask yourself what happens when you try to address a problem. Do they listen, take responsibility, and work with you to find a solution? Or do they turn it around, make you the problem, and leave you feeling worse than before you brought it up?
If you’re genuinely worried that you might be abusive, that worry itself is often a sign that you’re not. People who are truly abusive rarely question their own behaviors. They justify it, minimize it, or blame the other person for it. The fact that you’re asking this question means you have empathy and self-awareness.
You might be reacting in ways you’re not proud of, but reacting to mistreatment doesn’t make you an abuser. It makes you human.
Suggested listening:
https://loveandabuse.com/are-you-the-manipulative-one/
https://loveandabuse.com/is-it-reactive-abuse-or-a-normal-response-to-emotionally-abusive-behavior/
