Confronting the ultimate manipulation in a relationship, the threat of suicide is a very troubling and often abusive tactic. It’s a scenario that traps an empathetic, caring individual in a relationship with someone who declares, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”

This is not only a heartbreaking situation but also one that requires careful navigation to ensure:

1. You aren’t stuck in a relationship you’re not happy in forever, and
2. You provide the best support possible if their suicidal threats are genuine.

In this article, I’m going to tackle one of the most distressing behaviors arising from emotionally abusive relationships: suicide threats. When someone utters the chilling words, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” it’s a scary and alarming moment.

Similar threats may surface in different forms, such as, “If you leave me, I’ll do this,” or “If you do that, I’m going to tarnish your reputation at work.”

While the suggestions I offer here are primarily focused on the threat of suicide, they can be applied to other manipulative scenarios as well.

Let me be very clear: Someone who uses such a statement is an abuse of your compassion and empathy. It’s a guilt-inducing tactic to keep you in what is, undoubtedly, an unhealthy situation. This isn’t an act of love; it’s an act of fear and insecurity.

Please remember that the words I share in this article are for informational and educational purposes only. It goes without saying to consult a professional before making any decisions that could impact your health and well-being.

I want to present a perspective on how to respond when faced with a suicide threat in a relationship. One proactive step is to suggest seeking help together. This could mean saying, “Let’s talk to a therapist, let’s go to counseling together, let’s work through this.”

If they aren’t open to going to therapy with you, finding reliable resources on how to exit such a relationship or handle a suicide threat can be really challenging. The emotional abuse, manipulation, and coercion involved, where the other person forces you to stay “or else,” are particularly difficult to navigate. After all, they want to make you feel responsible for their actions.

I’ve pondered various scenarios and researched extensively to determine the best approach to such a delicate issue. In my experience with couples, though not always to this extreme, I’ve noticed that these threats are often empty.

However, there is always the possibility that someone could follow through on their threat. Their objective is to instill enough guilt to keep you in the relationship or to continue complying with their desires out of fear.

They fear being nothing without you, believing their happiness, worthiness, and loveability are all contingent on your presence. They invest all their energy into you, hoping to receive what they cannot find within themselves.

This is actually a common pattern in relationships:

We tend to seek from our partners what we lack within ourselves in order to feel good, important, loved, and even “complete.”

When someone enters a relationship carrying what I call “gaps” or emotional voids that stem from their upbringing—those essential needs for love, time, and attention that went unmet during childhood—they often seek to fill these voids with love from someone else.

If your parents or caregivers didn’t provide you with enough of what you needed, whether it was intentional or not, you might find yourself looking for those missing pieces in others.

This perspective, as I see it, suggests that we might be missing certain elements within ourselves when we start a relationship. We might be longing for the love we want to experience, the compassion we wish to feel, or just anything that makes us feel valued, affirmed, and worthy.

Without these feelings and beliefs in our lives before entering a relationship, we might expect our partner to provide them for us, which can create an intense dependence on them.

At first, a relationship can seem wonderful, especially for the person with these internal voids, as they’re now receiving all the time, attention, love, and care they’ve been craving. They may appear completely content, even overjoyed, convinced they’re in the best relationship of their life.

However, there may come a time when the relationship no longer works, and one person wants to leave. This is where the problem arises for the individual who felt incomplete before the relationship. The fear of losing their partner—the sole source of their happiness and sense of worth—can be overwhelming. They might believe that if their partner leaves, they will lose all happiness and purpose in life.

When you are the source of someone’s happiness, self-worth, and lovability, they become dependent on you, and you become drained.

Being in a relationship where you feel like a constant source of emotional support can be exhausting, even when things seem to be going well. If you’re the one always giving and your partner is always in need, it can lead to a desire for more distance. The neediness and clinginess can be suffocating.

I’m not criticizing those who are needy or clingy; I’ve been there myself. For years, I believed that without my partner, happiness and love would be out of reach. I believed that person was my missing piece, filling all the voids within me.

That’s why I’m not fond of the phrase “You complete me.” It implies a lack within oneself, a dependency that requires the other person to remain in their life and consistently present for one to feel fulfilled, happy, and valued.

That phrase suggests that without the other person, there’s an insurmountable void, and their departure would be a threat to their entire existence. To prevent this, a person might manipulate someone into staying by making them feel guilty for wanting to leave.

If you’re someone with a compassionate, loving, and empathetic nature, you might find yourself staying in a relationship long after the love has faded simply because the thought of leaving feels like it would devastate your partner. You can feel the drain and the pull on your energy, yet you stay.

The decision to stay in a relationship, despite your own desires and needs wanting otherwise, is a tough one. You might find yourself staying for their sake, not your own, sacrificing your happiness for their sense of security.

You end up staying for them, but not for you.

It’s almost like throwing in the towel and deciding not to honor yourself anymore. You resign yourself to unhappiness while ensuring the other person’s happiness, all because the fear of causing them pain is overwhelming.

And let’s be honest, they will likely take advantage of the situation. Once you accept someone else’s behavior that makes you feel bad, once you become their sole source of happiness, love, and validation, you’re caught in a dangerous emotional mix that’s incredibly hard to escape.

Typically, those who find themselves in such relationships are the empathetic, compassionate, supportive, generous, kind, and caring types—the best of us. However, these qualities can be twisted and used against you.

I’m setting the scene here. If you’re in a relationship where your partner is dependent, clingy, and needy, where they constantly want your company and need to know your every move, it can become overwhelming. You may find yourself having to report your every action to them. It can become deeply invasive.

Many relationships can devolve into this when one person has an intense need for the other to fill a void they can’t fill themselves. What that person really needs to do is practice self-love and self-compassion and work on boosting their self-worth, validating themselves, and consistently working on personal growth.

It’s the basics of Personal Improvement: Work on yourself, fulfilling your own needs first so you can bring the best version of yourself to your relationship.

Being the best version of yourself isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for a relationship. Even if you’re not there yet, you can still work on yourself while in a relationship. It’s just important to recognize if you are relying on another person to make you feel worthy and loveable that you don’t make them the root of any internal issues you may be facing.

Sure, you might face problems, challenges, and emotional triggers, and it’s crucial to work on these things, but as you improve, you become less dependent on your partner to compensate for what you feel you’re lacking.

That dependency is the risk. When you haven’t received enough love, maybe due to neglect or a lack of emotional connection with your parents, or perhaps they were absent, or you were raised by foster parents, it might leave a “gap.” But that gap is yours to fill. Expecting another person to fill it can lead to unhealthy dependencies.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have other people in our lives fulfill us and make up for the areas we are working on. We just don’t want to make it a permanent dependency that causes us to feel as if we can’t survive without them.

There are numerous reasons why we might not have received everything we needed as children. However, when you find yourself lacking in certain areas—whether a little or a lot—if you don’t take the initiative to fill those voids yourself by practicing self-love and treating yourself as you would a best friend, or how you wish your parents had treated you, you’re missing a crucial step.

Imagine being your own parent and saying, “You know what? I am so proud of you.”

When you start affirming yourself in this way, you begin to bridge those gaps and address what’s missing within you. As you fill these gaps, you start to cultivate internal happiness rather than depending on external sources to feel complete.

I’m not claiming this is the ultimate solution to feeling “whole,” but when you offer yourself love, compassion, and the acknowledgment that you are worthy and significant, you become less desperate for someone else to fill those roles for you.

The moment you depend on someone else to fulfill these needs, you’re essentially expecting them to be available at all times to ensure your happiness and meet all your wants and needs. This is the breeding ground for dependency or co-dependency.

Consider this: if both partners are dependent on each other and one goes away on a vacation for a week, leaving the other behind, it could be a week of agony for one or both parties.

Missing someone in a healthy relationship usually indicates care and a desire to be together, which is perfectly normal! But it’s also important to be introspective, asking yourself questions like, “What dysfunctions in them am I complementing?” or “Do I need them to feel loveable, worthy, and important? Or do I feel that way already?”

A person with dysfunctions will often pair up with a person with complementary dysfunctions. The dysfunctions fill the gaps, so to speak. For example, the people-pleaser can end up with a taker, always wanting more.

Of course, it’s possible to complement each other in a healthy, functional manner, too. For instance, imagine if someone you care about said to you, “I’m so glad we’re together, but if we weren’t, I’d still be okay. I would be sad. And I’d miss you. But I’d be okay.”

As much as that might hurt to hear, from my perspective, that’s a sign of a healthy, “functional” relationship! That’s saying, “I want to be with you, but I know if I weren’t, I’d still be okay.”

In other words, you’d still be complete. You’d feel perhaps lost or empty inside at first, but you would survive and eventually pull through because you would be able to fill your own cup. Self-love and self-care would help you get back on your feet. And not being so dependent on someone else to make you feel worthy and loveable, you’d feel stronger and more resilient as a result.

It’s natural to mourn a breakup, but with a strong emotional foundation of self-love, self-compassion, and self-care, you’ll recover and bounce back.

By continually working on yourself and seeking self-fulfillment, the need for someone else to make you feel whole lessens. It’s not about eliminating the joy of companionship; it’s about recognizing what’s missing inside so that you aren’t overly reliant on someone else to fill that void.

This doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships where you support each other’s needs; it’s just a matter of being conscious that if the other person were absent from your life, you’d explore the possibility that there may be aspects in yourself that require nurturing.

When They Guilt You Into Compliance

In this article, I’m addressing a particularly challenging form of emotional abuse: the use of threats, specifically the threat of suicide, to manipulate and control. This tactic is an extreme exploitation of your empathy and compassion.

Most abusers are acutely aware of your caring nature and your concern for their well-being. Because of that, they might go as far as to say something like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” as a means to guilt you into staying or bending to their will.

When faced with such a situation, it’s tough to find reliable advice or a magic pill. So, I’ve put together a few suggestions that might help.

Bear in mind that these are my personal views, and every situation is unique. If someone is genuinely at risk of harming themselves, it’s important to recognize that dealing with it may require some special skills that you may or may not have.

I’ll start with the most crucial piece of advice I can offer you: Stay calm and level-headed.

It’s important to understand that the person threatening self-harm is acting from a place of deep fear—the fear of confronting the voids within themselves that you’ve been filling.

It’s not necessarily that they’ve intentionally used you, but in a way, they have relied on you to avoid facing the emptiness inside.

If you’re currently dealing with this, have dealt with it in the past, or know someone who is dealing with it now, it’s vital you have a conversation about it.

Yes, it’s an incredibly tough topic. It’s one of the most distressing scenarios you could encounter, but the more you talk about it, the greater the possibility it can relieve some pressure or tension in the other person.

At the same time, you may not know what to say. How does one even begin to handle a threat of suicide that is based on whether you stay or leave the relationship? That’s a question that deserves attention and careful consideration.

They Threatened Suicide, Now What?

When you’re in the thick of a situation where someone is expressing their fear through threats of self-harm, it can be a real test of your composure. The key is to reconnect with yourself and navigate the moment with care. Let me share some strategies that might help you handle such a delicate situation.

Start by directly addressing the issue. You could ask them, “Are you serious about this, or are you trying to make me feel guilty to influence my decision?”

It’s a straightforward question that can help you gauge their sincerity. If they affirm they’re serious, my personal approach—though it may not be your first step—is to treat their statement as completely genuine and call the authorities.

I understand this is a contentious suggestion and not one to be taken lightly. But if I were in that position, I would take no chances and involve the police. I’d tell them, “My partner has threatened to commit suicide. What should I do?” The likelihood is that they will respond to the situation.

This suggestion comes with its own set of controversies, I’m aware. Like, what if this intervention pushes the person to a breaking point?

I suggest calling the authorities because, in my view, most of the time, their threat is a desperate attempt to prevent you from leaving, not a genuine desire to end their life. When that’s the case, their aim is to manipulate your feelings of guilt rather than to convey genuine intentions.

But let’s consider the possibility that they are indeed serious. If you had an undeniable certainty that they would harm themselves if you were to leave, that indicates they have, at a minimum, severe mental instability. If that is so, it’s more important than ever to treat their threat with the utmost seriousness and call for professional help.

Some professionals may have differing opinions about my comments here, and that’s okay. They might be correct, depending on the unique circumstances. But my first suggestion, while controversial, is about ensuring safety and intervention by those equipped to handle such crises.

By involving the authorities, you also introduce an element of accountability. If the threat was merely a manipulative tactic, facing the consequences may deter them from using such a threat again.

One of my goals is to make sure you are not allowing your empathy and compassion to be weaponized against you.

Making them accountable could also mean reaching out to a family member or trusted friend of theirs who might provide the support they need to step back from the edge. You’re not their therapist or coach, nor should you play that role (unless that is something you are qualified and inclined to do – but still, it’s best left to others outside the relationship); it’s essential to get someone they respect involved, especially when the situation is this grave.

Let me address the scenario where they actually admit they want you to feel guilty to manipulate you into staying. If they confess by saying something like, “Yes, I want you to feel guilty so you won’t leave,” or express something along the lines of, “I love you so much, I know I won’t be able to live without you,” that’s a clear manipulation of your feelings. It’s a tough spot to be in! But recognizing it for what it is can be the first step in addressing the underlying issues.

This brings us to the second approach. You can confront them by saying, “That’s a really mean thing to tell someone you love. Instead of making me happy, you’d rather make me feel bad. Instead of wanting me to love you because you’re trying hard to be a better person, you’re using my compassion against me. That’s not love, that’s control.”

When you face them with that comment, you might discover that they’re not actually serious. They just want to inflict guilt or sadness.

Make it clear to them that making threats like that isn’t love; it’s a form of control. It’s hard to cherish someone who uses threats to keep you close. If they truly want you to stay, they’ll seek help.

Using a suicide threat to keep someone by your side shows they’re not focused on your happiness but rather on their own fears. Pointing out, “That’s a really mean thing to say to someone you love,” prompts them to reflect on their actions. Someone who loves you doesn’t say things they know will hurt you. Though, we know that their words come from a place of fear, not necessarily love.

In other words, they could still love you, but they may have been brought up with a different or incorrect understanding of what love is supposed to look like.

You can also ask them something along the lines of, “Why do you want to make me feel bad? When you love someone, you should want them to be happy.”

Also, encourage them to take action by saying, “If you’re serious about this, then you need to get help. If you’re truly on the brink of suicide, we need to get someone to help you through it.”

Unfortunately, if their goal is to control you, they might escalate their tactics to make you feel even worse. They might say or do things that trap you in a mix of empathy and guilt.

Ultimately, if their intent is control, they will likely push as far as possible to make you feel the worst you can. They’ll employ tactics that leave you caught between compassion and guilt.

A Break Instead of a Breakup

In light of such a delicate situation, there’s a third strategy you might consider. It involves asking for a bit of breathing room—not to end the relationship, but to create some distance. This allows both of you to release some tension and focus on improving the relationship without being overwhelmed by the immediate issues.

I stumbled upon this idea in an article by Dr. Frederic Neuman. Dr. Neuman suggests that by communicating your intention to work things out and proposing a temporary separation, you can alleviate their fears and offer a sense of security that the relationship isn’t doomed.

The threat of suicide is a serious matter, and while it would never be your fault if they followed through, chances are you still care deeply about your partner’s well-being and wouldn’t want to see them harm themselves.

By offering the option to take some time apart, you’re essentially saying, “Let’s focus on ourselves individually, and then we can take it day by day. I’m not leaving. I’m giving us both breathing room.” This approach can help both of you navigate through the crisis.

It’s crucial, however, not to bring this up during a heated moment. If they’ve just made a threat against their life, the timing is too sensitive.

According to Dr. Neuman, it’s better to stay a little longer, reassuring them that things will be okay even if you have the intention of leaving. While that may seem deceptive, the goal is to gently pull them back from the brink, showing them that they don’t have to be fearful because you are there and you care.

You might express your concern with words like, “I care about you deeply,” or if you feel it, “I love you, and I want you to be healthy and well. Let’s move through this slowly and figure out how we can both improve things.”

Once they are no longer in that immediate, fear-driven state, you can have a more composed discussion. You could say, “I’ve been really thinking about this, and I think we should just take some time apart. This doesn’t mean I want to break up with you. It just means I want us to work on ourselves because, clearly, there are problems in the relationship. And I want us to get through those problems.”

The idea is to provide space for both of you, particularly for you, to step back and gain perspective. This might involve staying in separate places to ensure you each have the personal space needed to reflect and grow.

It’s important, though, to frame this time apart as something you’re doing for the benefit of the relationship. And even more important, don’t make promises about the outcome. Use reassuring language.

Again, it might feel a bit deceptive. But in extreme situations, such as when someone threatens self-harm, a certain level of deception might be necessary to keep them safe. Remember, in most cases, it’s a cry for help rather than a genuine intention to follow through. But you can’t ignore the possibility, however small.

This is like being in a bank during a robbery. You wouldn’t tell the robber you’ve called the police. Instead, you’d aim to keep the situation calm and under control. It’s a deception to make sure everyone makes it through without injury or worse.

Similarly, in a relationship crisis, you might need to offer comfort and a sense of security to prevent any rash actions.

These are short-term measures designed to help you navigate through the immediate crisis and reach a point where you can discuss the possibility of spending time apart in a loving and caring manner, with the intention of nurturing the relationship’s growth.

I realize these suggestions may challenge your morals or ethics, as they aren’t “by the book” solutions. They are simply potential strategies to help you get through a very sensitive and sometimes scary situation to create a healthier situation for both parties involved.

You usually need to take the lead at times like this, but doing so in a way that maintains comfort and security, prevents further threats, and eases the transition toward a healthier dynamic, is the best outcome for both of you.

Now, let’s explore the final piece of advice, also from one of Dr. Neuman’s approaches: Remind the person who is feeling desperate about all the wonderful qualities they possess.

Regardless of the relationship they are in, be it with you or someone else, it’s crucial to communicate to them that they will be okay because they are inherently lovable and valuable.

He didn’t phrase it exactly like that, but I think it’s a good approach. The reason I think that is because of what I mentioned earlier. I’ll sum it up right here:

When you’re in a relationship with someone who relies on you as their main source of energy and happiness, it becomes a heavy burden. You’ll feel immense pressure to meet their needs or else face the guilt trips and emotional manipulation that often follow. If you’re not constantly providing what they need, they’ll try to extract it from you by playing on your compassion or making you feel guilty for not being compassionate enough.

When someone has a strong need for validation and a fear that they are not loveable or worthy, you can become their lifeline, supplying them with what they don’t believe they are able to provide for themselves.

And let me tell you, being someone’s sole source of emotional sustenance is draining. It’s also unsustainable, which is why distancing yourself from such dependency is often necessary.

When someone exits a relationship, and you’re left behind, not wanting the breakup, it can feel like a part of your heart has been ripped out. And if you lack a strong sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love, it’s challenging to fill that void left by the other person.

This is typically how someone who uses suicide as a way to coerce you feels. They become dependent on you because they haven’t cultivated enough self-compassion or self-care. Those who lack self-esteem often try to draw it out of others, leading to exhaustion and, ultimately, a breakup because it’s impossible for one person to be the only source of another’s self-worth indefinitely.

The goal with someone who exhibits these behaviors is to help them (re)discover their self-worth. Even if you reach a point where you’re apart but they believe you’re still working on the relationship, it’s beneficial to continue affirming their worthiness and importance—not necessarily assuring them that’s how you, alone, feel, but in a broader sense where they know that’s true in general.

For example, encourage them by saying things like, “You’re important, lovable, and amazing. People see you as kind, intelligent, attractive,” and so on. These comments are attributable to others, not just you, so they see their worth through the eyes of many instead of just one person.

This approach is a gentle nudge to help them nurture their self-worth so they no longer seek validation from anyone else. It’s using external affirmations from others to help them see their value, gradually reducing their reliance on you as their only source of self-esteem.

This is a step in the process of detaching yourself from them. Eventually, you may have to say, “I love you, and you’re amazing in many ways, but I need to move on and be by myself.” I would avoid saying things like, “I’m going to date other people,” or broadcasting new relationships on social media. They need to heal, and if they see your happiness or you spending time with other people, it could trigger them and hinder their healing.

That doesn’t mean you need to avoid doing these things. But try to avoid publicizing it to give them enough time to heal through their challenges.

I understand everything I’ve talked about in this article is a lot to handle. And the steps I’ve laid out won’t be easy. None of it is easy, quite frankly. And asking you to stay a bit covert after leaving someone like this isn’t necessarily fair, I realize. But if you want to navigate this situation with minimal scars, you’ll want to lay low and do your best to ensure they spend enough time with themselves and others so that they can finally recognize their own amazing qualities.

This also might be a tough road to take if you don’t like deceiving and think it’s better to be truthful with the other person. But remember, this isn’t about playing games or outright lying to them. It’s about offering support that could be crucial for someone who has likely never received healthy nurturing.

As I stated earlier, it is unhealthy to seek fulfillment in relationships to feel complete. Having a relationship should be a wonderful, fulfilling experience. But it doesn’t work if one person is draining the other. It can and will fail eventually because something like that is not sustainable.

Even in relationships not marked by threats of harm or manipulation, it’s important to recognize how relying on someone else to “fill your gaps” can create unhealthy dependencies.

If you’re always seeking fulfillment from another person who may not be able to provide it, you’ll be left wanting more than they can offer. That’s why sometimes you need to be your own supporter so you can fill those gaps yourself.

If you’re in a relationship now, consider what you lean on your partner for. Ask yourself if you have enough self-love and self-care to stand strong if the relationship ends. Ask yourself if your emotional foundation is solid enough to support you if everything falls apart.

Your answers to those questions can be very helpful in determining where you’ll stand if everything else falls apart.

Relationships are supposed to be enriching! They’re supposed to add experiences we can’t have alone. Being single has its merits, offering freedoms you can’t enjoy when coupled.

But ideally, most people would want to have the best of both worlds—maintaining your individuality and knowing that even if your partner were to leave, you’d be okay.

It’s healthy to love and want a partner in your life. But when you’ve developed emotional resilience and feel good inside yourself, whether in a relationship or not, you know you’ll survive even if the other person leaves. The end of a relationship hurts. You will grieve. But ultimately, you’ll be okay.

And being “okay” is a sign of a robust emotional core. When two people bring their strengths into the relationship while still working on what they need to improve on, it can be magical. When there’s an imbalance, and one person feels the drain from the other, it’s important to address that sooner than later.