Confronting the ultimate manipulation in a relationship, the threat of suicide is a very troubling and often abusive tactic. It’s a scenario that traps an empathetic, caring individual in a relationship with someone who declares, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”
This is not only a heartbreaking situation but also one that requires careful navigation to ensure:
- You aren’t stuck in a relationship you’re not happy in forever, and
- You provide the best support possible if their suicidal threats are genuine.
In this article, I’m going to tackle one of the most distressing behaviors arising from emotionally abusive relationships: suicide threats. When someone utters the chilling words, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” it’s a scary and alarming moment.
Similar threats may surface in different forms, such as, “If you leave me, I’ll do this,” or “If you do that, I’m going to tarnish your reputation at work.”
While the suggestions I offer here are primarily focused on the threat of suicide, they can be applied to other manipulative scenarios as well.
Let me be very clear: Someone who uses such a statement is an abuse of your compassion and empathy. It’s a guilt-inducing tactic to keep you in what is, undoubtedly, an unhealthy situation. This isn’t an act of love; it’s an act of fear and insecurity.
Please remember that the words I share in this article are for informational and educational purposes only. It goes without saying to consult a professional before making any decisions that could impact your health and well-being.
I want to present a perspective on how to respond when faced with a suicide threat in a relationship. One proactive step is to suggest seeking help together. This could mean saying, “Let’s talk to a therapist, let’s go to counseling together, let’s work through this.”
If they aren’t open to going to therapy with you, finding reliable resources on how to exit such a relationship or handle a suicide threat can be really challenging. The emotional abuse, manipulation, and coercion involved, where the other person forces you to stay “or else,” are particularly difficult to navigate. After all, they want to make you feel responsible for their actions.
I’ve pondered various scenarios and researched extensively to determine the best approach to such a delicate issue. In my experience with couples, though not always to this extreme, I’ve noticed that these threats are often empty.
However, there is always the possibility that someone could follow through on their threat. Their objective is to instill enough guilt to keep you in the relationship or to continue complying with their desires out of fear.
They fear being nothing without you, believing their happiness, worthiness, and loveability are all contingent on your presence. They invest all their energy into you, hoping to receive what they cannot find within themselves.
This is actually a common pattern in relationships:
We tend to seek from our partners what we lack within ourselves in order to feel good, important, loved, and even “complete.”
When someone enters a relationship carrying what I call “gaps” or emotional voids that stem from their upbringing—those essential needs for love, time, and attention that went unmet during childhood—they often seek to fill these voids with love from someone else.
If your parents or caregivers didn’t provide you with enough of what you needed, whether it was intentional or not, you might find yourself looking for those missing pieces in others.
This perspective, as I see it, suggests that we might be missing certain elements within ourselves when we start a relationship. We might be longing for the love we want to experience, the compassion we wish to feel, or just anything that makes us feel valued, affirmed, and worthy.
Without these feelings and beliefs in our lives before entering a relationship, we might expect our partner to provide them for us, which can create an intense dependence on them.
At first, a relationship can seem wonderful, especially for the person with these internal voids, as they’re now receiving all the time, attention, love, and care they’ve been craving. They may appear completely content, even overjoyed, convinced they’re in the best relationship of their life.
However, there may come a time when the relationship no longer works, and one person wants to leave. This is where the problem arises for the individual who felt incomplete before the relationship. The fear of losing their partner—the sole source of their happiness and sense of worth—can be overwhelming. They might believe that if their partner leaves, they will lose all happiness and purpose in life.
When you are the source of someone’s happiness, self-worth, and lovability, they become dependent on you, and you become drained.
Being in a relationship where you feel like a constant source of emotional support can be exhausting, even when things seem to be going well. If you’re the one always giving and your partner is always in need, it can lead to a desire for more distance. The neediness and clinginess can be suffocating.
I’m not criticizing those who are needy or clingy; I’ve been there myself. For years, I believed that without my partner, happiness and love would be out of reach. I believed that person was my missing piece, filling all the voids within me.
That’s why I’m not fond of the phrase “You complete me.” It implies a lack within oneself, a dependency that requires the other person to remain in their life and consistently present for one to feel fulfilled, happy, and valued.
That phrase suggests that without the other person, there’s an insurmountable void, and their departure would be a threat to their entire existence. To prevent this, a person might manipulate someone into staying by making them feel guilty for wanting to leave.
If you’re someone with a compassionate, loving, and empathetic nature, you might find yourself staying in a relationship long after the love has faded simply because the thought of leaving feels like it would devastate your partner. You can feel the drain and the pull on your energy, yet you stay.
The decision to stay in a relationship, despite your own desires and needs wanting otherwise, is a tough one. You might find yourself staying for their sake, not your own, sacrificing your happiness for their sense of security.
You end up staying for them, but not for you.
It’s almost like throwing in the towel and deciding not to honor yourself anymore. You resign yourself to unhappiness while ensuring the other person’s happiness, all because the fear of causing them pain is overwhelming.
And let’s be honest, they will likely take advantage of the situation. Once you accept someone else’s behavior that makes you feel bad, once you become their sole source of happiness, love, and validation, you’re caught in a dangerous emotional mix that’s incredibly hard to escape.
Typically, those who find themselves in such relationships are the empathetic, compassionate, supportive, generous, kind, and caring types—the best of us. However, these qualities can be twisted and used against you.
I’m setting the scene here. If you’re in a relationship where your partner is dependent, clingy, and needy, where they constantly want your company and need to know your every move, it can become overwhelming. You may find yourself having to report your every action to them. It can become deeply invasive.
Many relationships can devolve into this when one person has an intense need for the other to fill a void they can’t fill themselves. What that person really needs to do is practice self-love and self-compassion and work on boosting their self-worth, validating themselves, and consistently working on personal growth.
It’s the basics of Personal Improvement: Work on yourself, fulfilling your own needs first so you can bring the best version of yourself to your relationship.
Being the best version of yourself isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for a relationship. Even if you’re not there yet, you can still work on yourself while in a relationship. It’s just important to recognize if you are relying on another person to make you feel worthy and loveable that you don’t make them the root of any internal issues you may be facing.
Sure, you might face problems, challenges, and emotional triggers, and it’s crucial to work on these things, but as you improve, you become less dependent on your partner to compensate for what you feel you’re lacking.
That dependency is the risk. When you haven’t received enough love, maybe due to neglect or a lack of emotional connection with your parents, or perhaps they were absent, or you were raised by foster parents, it might leave a “gap.” But that gap is yours to fill. Expecting another person to fill it can lead to unhealthy dependencies.
That doesn’t mean we can’t have other people in our lives fulfill us and make up for the areas we are working on. We just don’t want to make it a permanent dependency that causes us to feel as if we can’t survive without them.
There are numerous reasons why we might not have received everything we needed as children. However, when you find yourself lacking in certain areas—whether a little or a lot—if you don’t take the initiative to fill those voids yourself by practicing self-love and treating yourself as you would a best friend, or how you wish your parents had treated you, you’re missing a crucial step.
Imagine being your own parent and saying, “You know what? I am so proud of you.”
When you start affirming yourself in this way, you begin to bridge those gaps and address what’s missing within you. As you fill these gaps, you start to cultivate internal happiness rather than depending on external sources to feel complete.
I’m not claiming this is the ultimate solution to feeling “whole,” but when you offer yourself love, compassion, and the acknowledgment that you are worthy and significant, you become less desperate for someone else to fill those roles for you.
The moment you depend on someone else to fulfill these needs, you’re essentially expecting them to be available at all times to ensure your happiness and meet all your wants and needs. This is the breeding ground for dependency or co-dependency.
Consider this: if both partners are dependent on each other and one goes away on a vacation for a week, leaving the other behind, it could be a week of agony for one or both parties.
Missing someone in a healthy relationship usually indicates care and a desire to be together, which is perfectly normal! But it’s also important to be introspective, asking yourself questions like, “What dysfunctions in them am I complementing?” or “Do I need them to feel loveable, worthy, and important? Or do I feel that way already?”
A person with dysfunctions will often pair up with a person with complementary dysfunctions. The dysfunctions fill the gaps, so to speak. For example, the people-pleaser can end up with a taker, always wanting more.
Of course, it’s possible to complement each other in a healthy, functional manner, too. For instance, imagine if someone you care about said to you, “I’m so glad we’re together, but if we weren’t, I’d still be okay. I would be sad. And I’d miss you. But I’d be okay.”
As much as that might hurt to hear, from my perspective, that’s a sign of a healthy, “functional” relationship! That’s saying, “I want to be with you, but I know if I weren’t, I’d still be okay.”
In other words, you’d still be complete. You’d feel perhaps lost or empty inside at first, but you would survive and eventually pull through because you would be able to fill your own cup. Self-love and self-care would help you get back on your feet. And not being so dependent on someone else to make you feel worthy and loveable, you’d feel stronger and more resilient as a result.
It’s natural to mourn a breakup, but with a strong emotional foundation of self-love, self-compassion, and self-care, you’ll recover and bounce back.
By continually working on yourself and seeking self-fulfillment, the need for someone else to make you feel whole lessens. It’s not about eliminating the joy of companionship; it’s about recognizing what’s missing inside so that you aren’t overly reliant on someone else to fill that void.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships where you support each other’s needs; it’s just a matter of being conscious that if the other person were absent from your life, you’d explore the possibility that there may be aspects in yourself that require nurturing.
When They Guilt You Into Compliance
In this article, I’m addressing a particularly challenging form of emotional abuse: the use of threats, specifically the threat of suicide, to manipulate and control. This tactic is an extreme exploitation of your empathy and compassion.
Most abusers are acutely aware of your caring nature and your concern for their well-being. Because of that, they might go as far as to say something like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” as a means to guilt you into staying or bending to their will.
When faced with such a situation, it’s tough to find reliable advice or a magic pill. So, I’ve put together a few suggestions that might help.
Bear in mind that these are my personal views, and every situation is unique. If someone is genuinely at risk of harming themselves, it’s important to recognize that dealing with it may require some special skills that you may or may not have.
I’ll start with the most crucial piece of advice I can offer you: Stay calm and level-headed.
It’s important to understand that the person threatening self-harm is acting from a place of deep fear—the fear of confronting the voids within themselves that you’ve been filling.
It’s not necessarily that they’ve intentionally used you, but in a way, they have relied on you to avoid facing the emptiness inside.
If you’re currently dealing with this, have dealt with it in the past, or know someone who is dealing with it now, it’s vital you have a conversation about it.
Yes, it’s an incredibly tough topic. It’s one of the most distressing scenarios you could encounter, but the more you talk about it, the greater the possibility it can relieve some pressure or tension in the other person.
At the same time, you may not know what to say. How does one even begin to handle a threat of suicide that is based on whether you stay or leave the relationship? That’s a question that deserves attention and careful consideration.
They Threatened Suicide, Now What?
When you’re in the thick of a situation where someone is expressing their fear through threats of self-harm, it can be a real test of your composure. The key is to reconnect with yourself and navigate the moment with care. Let me share some strategies that might help you handle such a delicate situation.
Start by directly addressing the issue. You could ask them, “Are you serious about this, or are you trying to make me feel guilty to influence my decision?”
It’s a straightforward question that can help you gauge their sincerity. If they affirm they’re serious, my personal approach—though it may not be your first step—is to treat their statement as completely genuine and call the authorities.
I understand this is a contentious suggestion and not one to be taken lightly. But if I were in that position, I would take no chances and involve the police. I’d tell them, “My partner has threatened to commit suicide. What should I do?” The likelihood is that they will respond to the situation.
This suggestion comes with its own set of controversies, I’m aware. Like, what if this intervention pushes the person to a breaking point?
I suggest calling the authorities because, in my view, most of the time, their threat is a desperate attempt to prevent you from leaving, not a genuine desire to end their life. When that’s the case, their aim is to manipulate your feelings of guilt rather than to convey genuine intentions.
But let’s consider the possibility that they are indeed serious. If you had an undeniable certainty that they would harm themselves if you were to leave, that indicates they have, at a minimum, severe mental instability. If that is so, it’s more important than ever to treat their threat with the utmost seriousness and call for professional help.
Some professionals may have differing opinions about my comments here, and that’s okay. They might be correct, depending on the unique circumstances. But my first suggestion, while controversial, is about ensuring safety and intervention by those equipped to handle such crises.
By involving the authorities, you also introduce an element of accountability. If the threat was merely a manipulative tactic, facing the consequences may deter them from using such a threat again.
One of my goals is to make sure you are not allowing your empathy and compassion to be weaponized against you.
Making them accountable could also mean reaching out to a family member or trusted friend of theirs who might provide the support they need to step back from the edge. You’re not their therapist or coach, nor should you play that role (unless that is something you are qualified and inclined to do – but still, it’s best left to others outside the relationship); it’s essential to get someone they respect involved, especially when the situation is this grave.
Let me address the scenario where they actually admit they want you to feel guilty to manipulate you into staying. If they confess by saying something like, “Yes, I want you to feel guilty so you won’t leave,” or express something along the lines of, “I love you so much, I know I won’t be able to live without you,” that’s a clear manipulation of your feelings. It’s a tough spot to be in! But recognizing it for what it is can be the first step in addressing the underlying issues.
This brings us to the second approach. You can confront them by saying, “That’s a really mean thing to tell someone you love. Instead of making me happy, you’d rather make me feel bad. Instead of wanting me to love you because you’re trying hard to be a better person, you’re using my compassion against me. That’s not love, that’s control.”
When you face them with that comment, you might discover that they’re not actually serious. They just want to inflict guilt or sadness.
Make it clear to them that making threats like that isn’t love; it’s a form of control. It’s hard to cherish someone who uses threats to keep you close. If they truly want you to stay, they’ll seek help.
Using a suicide threat to keep someone by your side shows they’re not focused on your happiness but rather on their own fears. Pointing out, “That’s a really mean thing to say to someone you love,” prompts them to reflect on their actions. Someone who loves you doesn’t say things they know will hurt you. Though, we know that their words come from a place of fear, not necessarily love.
In other words, they could still love you, but they may have been brought up with a different or incorrect understanding of what love is supposed to look like.
You can also ask them something along the lines of, “Why do you want to make me feel bad? When you love someone, you should want them to be happy.”
Also, encourage them to take action by saying, “If you’re serious about this, then you need to get help. If you’re truly on the brink of suicide, we need to get someone to help you through it.”
Unfortunately, if their goal is to control you, they might escalate their tactics to make you feel even worse. They might say or do things that trap you in a mix of empathy and guilt.
Ultimately, if their intent is control, they will likely push as far as possible to make you feel the worst you can. They’ll employ tactics that leave you caught between compassion and guilt.
A Break Instead of a Breakup
In light of such a delicate situation, there’s a third strategy you might consider. It involves asking for a bit of breathing room—not to end the relationship, but to create some distance. This allows both of you to release some tension and focus on improving the relationship without being overwhelmed by the immediate issues.
I stumbled upon this idea in an article by Dr. Frederic Neuman. Dr. Neuman suggests that by communicating your intention to work things out and proposing a temporary separation, you can alleviate their fears and offer a sense of security that the relationship isn’t doomed.
The threat of suicide is a serious matter, and while it would never be your fault if they followed through, chances are you still care deeply about your partner’s well-being and wouldn’t want to see them harm themselves.
By offering the option to take some time apart, you’re essentially saying, “Let’s focus on ourselves individually, and then we can take it day by day. I’m not leaving. I’m giving us both breathing room.” This approach can help both of you navigate through the crisis.
It’s crucial, however, not to bring this up during a heated moment. If they’ve just made a threat against their life, the timing is too sensitive.
According to Dr. Neuman, it’s better to stay a little longer, reassuring them that things will be okay even if you have the intention of leaving. While that may seem deceptive, the goal is to gently pull them back from the brink, showing them that they don’t have to be fearful because you are there and you care.
You might express your concern with words like, “I care about you deeply,” or if you feel it, “I love you, and I want you to be healthy and well. Let’s move through this slowly and figure out how we can both improve things.”
Once they are no longer in that immediate, fear-driven state, you can have a more composed discussion. You could say, “I’ve been really thinking about this, and I think we should just take some time apart. This doesn’t mean I want to break up with you. It just means I want us to work on ourselves because, clearly, there are problems in the relationship. And I want us to get through those problems.”
The idea is to provide space for both of you, particularly for you, to step back and gain perspective. This might involve staying in separate places to ensure you each have the personal space needed to reflect and grow.
It’s important, though, to frame this time apart as something you’re doing for the benefit of the relationship. And even more important, don’t make promises about the outcome. Use reassuring language.
Again, it might feel a bit deceptive. But in extreme situations, such as when someone threatens self-harm, a certain level of deception might be necessary to keep them safe. Remember, in most cases, it’s a cry for help rather than a genuine intention to follow through. But you can’t ignore the possibility, however small.
This is like being in a bank during a robbery. You wouldn’t tell the robber you’ve called the police. Instead, you’d aim to keep the situation calm and under control. It’s a deception to make sure everyone makes it through without injury or worse.
Similarly, in a relationship crisis, you might need to offer comfort and a sense of security to prevent any rash actions.
These are short-term measures designed to help you navigate through the immediate crisis and reach a point where you can discuss the possibility of spending time apart in a loving and caring manner, with the intention of nurturing the relationship’s growth.
I realize these suggestions may challenge your morals or ethics, as they aren’t “by the book” solutions. They are simply potential strategies to help you get through a very sensitive and sometimes scary situation to create a healthier situation for both parties involved.
You usually need to take the lead at times like this, but doing so in a way that maintains comfort and security, prevents further threats, and eases the transition toward a healthier dynamic, is the best outcome for both of you.
Now, let’s explore the final piece of advice, also from one of Dr. Neuman’s approaches: Remind the person who is feeling desperate about all the wonderful qualities they possess.
Regardless of the relationship they are in, be it with you or someone else, it’s crucial to communicate to them that they will be okay because they are inherently lovable and valuable.
He didn’t phrase it exactly like that, but I think it’s a good approach. The reason I think that is because of what I mentioned earlier. I’ll sum it up right here:
When you’re in a relationship with someone who relies on you as their main source of energy and happiness, it becomes a heavy burden. You’ll feel immense pressure to meet their needs or else face the guilt trips and emotional manipulation that often follow. If you’re not constantly providing what they need, they’ll try to extract it from you by playing on your compassion or making you feel guilty for not being compassionate enough.
When someone has a strong need for validation and a fear that they are not loveable or worthy, you can become their lifeline, supplying them with what they don’t believe they are able to provide for themselves.
And let me tell you, being someone’s sole source of emotional sustenance is draining. It’s also unsustainable, which is why distancing yourself from such dependency is often necessary.
When someone exits a relationship, and you’re left behind, not wanting the breakup, it can feel like a part of your heart has been ripped out. And if you lack a strong sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love, it’s challenging to fill that void left by the other person.
This is typically how someone who uses suicide as a way to coerce you feels. They become dependent on you because they haven’t cultivated enough self-compassion or self-care. Those who lack self-esteem often try to draw it out of others, leading to exhaustion and, ultimately, a breakup because it’s impossible for one person to be the only source of another’s self-worth indefinitely.
The goal with someone who exhibits these behaviors is to help them (re)discover their self-worth. Even if you reach a point where you’re apart but they believe you’re still working on the relationship, it’s beneficial to continue affirming their worthiness and importance—not necessarily assuring them that’s how you, alone, feel, but in a broader sense where they know that’s true in general.
For example, encourage them by saying things like, “You’re important, lovable, and amazing. People see you as kind, intelligent, attractive,” and so on. These comments are attributable to others, not just you, so they see their worth through the eyes of many instead of just one person.
This approach is a gentle nudge to help them nurture their self-worth so they no longer seek validation from anyone else. It’s using external affirmations from others to help them see their value, gradually reducing their reliance on you as their only source of self-esteem.
This is a step in the process of detaching yourself from them. Eventually, you may have to say, “I love you, and you’re amazing in many ways, but I need to move on and be by myself.” I would avoid saying things like, “I’m going to date other people,” or broadcasting new relationships on social media. They need to heal, and if they see your happiness or you spending time with other people, it could trigger them and hinder their healing.
That doesn’t mean you need to avoid doing these things. But try to avoid publicizing it to give them enough time to heal through their challenges.
I understand everything I’ve talked about in this article is a lot to handle. And the steps I’ve laid out won’t be easy. None of it is easy, quite frankly. And asking you to stay a bit covert after leaving someone like this isn’t necessarily fair, I realize. But if you want to navigate this situation with minimal scars, you’ll want to lay low and do your best to ensure they spend enough time with themselves and others so that they can finally recognize their own amazing qualities.
This also might be a tough road to take if you don’t like deceiving and think it’s better to be truthful with the other person. But remember, this isn’t about playing games or outright lying to them. It’s about offering support that could be crucial for someone who has likely never received healthy nurturing.
As I stated earlier, it is unhealthy to seek fulfillment in relationships to feel complete. Having a relationship should be a wonderful, fulfilling experience. But it doesn’t work if one person is draining the other. It can and will fail eventually because something like that is not sustainable.
Even in relationships not marked by threats of harm or manipulation, it’s important to recognize how relying on someone else to “fill your gaps” can create unhealthy dependencies.
If you’re always seeking fulfillment from another person who may not be able to provide it, you’ll be left wanting more than they can offer. That’s why sometimes you need to be your own supporter so you can fill those gaps yourself.
If you’re in a relationship now, consider what you lean on your partner for. Ask yourself if you have enough self-love and self-care to stand strong if the relationship ends. Ask yourself if your emotional foundation is solid enough to support you if everything falls apart.
Your answers to those questions can be very helpful in determining where you’ll stand if everything else falls apart.
Relationships are supposed to be enriching! They’re supposed to add experiences we can’t have alone. Being single has its merits, offering freedoms you can’t enjoy when coupled.
But ideally, most people would want to have the best of both worlds—maintaining your individuality and knowing that even if your partner were to leave, you’d be okay.
It’s healthy to love and want a partner in your life. But when you’ve developed emotional resilience and feel good inside yourself, whether in a relationship or not, you know you’ll survive even if the other person leaves. The end of a relationship hurts. You will grieve. But ultimately, you’ll be okay.
And being “okay” is a sign of a robust emotional core. When two people bring their strengths into the relationship while still working on what they need to improve on, it can be magical. When there’s an imbalance, and one person feels the drain from the other, it’s important to address that sooner than later.
My now bf who has a past of trying to commit suicide recently said that when I leave him he would kill himself cause he don’t want to be hurt no more been with him for a lil over a year and just yesterday he tried hanging him self when I went to leave I came back to check on him when his mother called me and said he wasn’t answering the door he was laying on the floor what should I do to get out please help me with this ??? They won’t call the police for help or even let me do it what do I do
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please re-read or relisten to this episode, it has what I believe the steps you need to take in this situation. When the threat is real, your response to the threat has to be real as well. Whatever harm he does to himself is not your fault or your doing at all, it’s something he needs help with and you are not the person to help him which is why I suggest calling the police as soon as you hear him say he’s going to kill himself. He has to know he can’t use this to control you and that there is accountability for his behavior. At the same time, he could very well need psychological help which is why the police need to be called so he can get into the system to get help. I wish you much strength through this. Just know that just because you are being targeted doesn’t make it your fault no matter what happens. You have nothing to do with his mental health. All you can do is care for yourself and call others for help so that you aren’t dealing with this by yourself.
I’ve just found your article. We have been dating for 4 months, then broke-up. For 6 months now he is trying to bring me back, threatening suicide. Yesterday I had to call the police cause he sent me a pic of pills saying he can’t live with the pain any more and he will swallow them all, etc. He is saying I am his only source of happiness and if I am not in his life, he will die, cause he can’t live with the pain any more. It is very draining. I dont love him any more and no renconciliation is possible. At the same time, this is underlying mental illness that pushes him to do this, i am sure. Anyway, thanks for the awesome article
Wow, what an awful, manipulative thing for one person to do to another. Thanks so much for sharing this. I might have to write up an early warning signs post or podcast so that when there’s a chance someone will act this dependent on someone else, perhaps it can be addressed before the relationship goes on past the point of no return.
Sorry you have / are going through this. I hope he gets the help he needs.
Unfortunately, I did this to my best friends. I was extremely depressed and felt overwhelmed by feelings of shame and tried to end my life after an argument we had. I felt so isolated and hated and unloved. They called the police and saved me. But since then, they haven’t forgiven me.
After that, I was able to overcome my depression with a lot of hard work, through therapy and prayer and meditation. I completely turned my life around, and started a podcast to help others with depression.
Despite this, after several apologies and attempts to fix our friendship, they haven’t forgiven me and have kept me blocked. They have also told mutual friends about what happened last year and I lost a large chunk of my social circle. I also left social media entirely.
Even though I have improved and I feel secure and happy with who I am, I can’t seem to move past the anger and hurt I caused them, and how they responded. It just makes me sometimes feel like I’m a monster.
After reading this article, I feel so guilty and ashamed for abusing them, even if I didn’t realize that what I did at the time, I know I did it and I’m responsible for it.
I just wish I could fix this. I’m no longer able to contact them. But I wish they knew how sorry I was and that I love them.
Thanks so much for sharing this here, Matt. I believe apologizing should be treated like a one-way street and not one that seeks forgiveness. You’ve healed, learned, and grown from that experience, and from this healed self, you’ve apologized. That’s all you need to do. I have a couple of episodes on apologies and forgiveness that may be helpful to you here:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/podcasts/
In the search field, type the partial word, “apolog” and that’s it. It will find the two episodes that I’d like you to listen to. Or, at least listen to the segment where I talk about that subject.
Just having your response here is another way to put your apology out there. But now that you’ve apologized don’t stay in that state. You don’t have to apologize anymore. If you meant it the first time, there’s no need to say it again.
How you apologize can be very important. I like to close the loop instead of leaving it open. Leaving it open means you are expecting a response from them. Don’t do that. Don’t put any pressure on them to respond at all. Don’t seek forgiveness. Just say what you need to say and let them be.
Something like, “I am so grateful for what you did for me. I know that I caused you a lot of pain. For that, I am sorry. I understand if you don’t want anything more to do with me, and that’s okay, but just know it’s because of you that allowed me to start my long journey to healing. I am in an entirely different place today, thanks to you. I love you and wish you the very best in life. Thank you again.”
Now the ball is in their court. They can choose to reach out or not. If not, you did your part. You don’t have to stay in that space. They may need to heal as well, and it may take them a while. That’s okay. Allow them to be in their space and move on.
I hope this helps in some small way. So glad you decided to work on this and be here to share your story.
I appreciate you!
Have been married for 44 years. My husband went to work away from home a year ago. I joined him 2 months after he left. He was, when I arrived there to join him, a totally different person to the one I had known for all those years. He became violent, emotionally abusive and completely beserk at times. I withdrew into a state of shock. I thought he had “met someone else” in the time he was alone and wanted me out of the picture. All his behaviour pointed to this. He denies denies denies this. When I said we must part ways because of his continued bad, weird, behaviour, he threatened to kill himself – over and over again – he threatened this. But still carried on with the physical & emotional abuse to me. We returned home (due to covid) and he assured me, very sincerely, everything would go back to “normal” (as it was for the 43 years of marriage before). But it has not – the same pattern continues, daily. I tell him it is not working for both of us – he threatens suicide. (Calling the police is not an option where we live.) We went to a couples therapist 3x (reluctantly for him) where he pretended “everything was ok”. Then refused to go back when therapist suggested he has borderline personality disorder. We are in our mid 60’s and this is a terrible time for both of us….a lifetime together and now this – is hard to understand and get my head around. Most days I want to pack my stuff and go because of the constant drain on me – but because of our good history feel bad to do so if he then falls apart and does kill himself…
He did grow up – from a young age – in a neglectful, abandoned environment. But up to a year ago has not shown any of this behaviour before. He says he could not cope when he was on his own at job and became depressed and angry at himself. But this does not make sense because when I joined him there that should have sorted those problems out for him? It is so confusing and very distressing and exhausting to me. Thank you for your article – it is interesting and enlightening to me.
Sorry you are dealing with this. In a situation like this, no one can give you the perfect advice. Read my reply to Omar below and maybe that might be a direction to take. Or not. Everyone has a different situation and the subject is so touchy for lots of people.
One thing that stands out in your comment is the physical abuse. There is no excuse for that. If you are being physically abused, then staying continues killing you. It’s like a slow suicide.
I don’t want you to go through that. The good stuff is now in the past and your future shouldn’t be fear and worry every day. I can’t tell you the right steps to take except what I’ve already mentioned in the episode. Though, you have a variable I didn’t talk about. The physical abuse introduces a variable that calling authorities could make things worse for you.
Your best bet may be to pack, leave, hide, and go full No Contact. But first, get your support system in place.
I know things aren’t easy now, but I also know that you don’t deserve to be abused in what seems like every way imaginable. You are worthy of kindness and respect. Once you accept this as 100% true, you will do what you need to do for you and allow others to make decisions they need to make for them. Sometimes people do stupid things to make us feel guilty, but people who really care about you and love you don’t do those things.
You are not being loved or cared for, you are being tortured. You were meant for so much more than this.
I wish you much strength as you figure things out.
For Av—
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Has he been worked up by a doctor? I’ve been a nurse for many years and sometimes, personality changes like his, especially because he is getting older, can be the beginning signs of dementia. Also, I have seen similar personality changes with silent strokes and brain tumors. I just wanted to put that out there. God bless and I hope things get better.
I would say the same as the previous comment. This may not have any connection with his past or incident while he was alone. He might have suffered a brain injury (caused by anything) or change in brain structure due to his age. This can change someone’s personality and the concerned person won’t even know. Easy example of how to understand how this works is to look up the story about “Phineas Gage”.
Your husband may not be responsible for his behavior change at all and he also may not be able to change it by himself. I am sorry this happened, but a happy 43 years marriage is more than most people could wish for 🙂
Thank you for this post and articles. I am in the exact same situation with my now ex. She has been so depressed with what happened in her life and to top of the that, the lockdown that everything has been so overwhelming her. The last 4 months have been really tough on me cause any minor inconvenience and she would threaten suicide. It doesn’t help when I’m on the other side of the country either so I have to take her threats seriously. It came to the point where she was not eating anything for a month and was puking blood. Against her wishes I called the ambulance to which she berates me cause she wanted to go through this on her own. Eventually she calmed down and we went to the A&E. Before I left she felt really empty again and threaten that when I leave, she will just disappear. Against her wishes again I told her housemates and family to keep an eye on her cause I was really concerned and she was threatening suicide again and again. She took the pills but spat them out. I eventually calmed her down after a few hours but in my head I couldn’t do it anymore. She told me I’m her only source of happiness but Its so draining on me that I just can’t keep up with it. I’m so lost that if she achieves it, I can’t forgive myself for it. But she wants something that I just can’t give anymore and I’m.slowly.losing my mind. its really affecting me cause I can’t see her gone. I wanna see her succeed in life and in everything
Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you did the best you could. If you are her only source of happiness, then she isn’t happy at all. If she has no happiness in her and you are feeling drained, then you are slowly killing yourself continuing to be in contact with her.
I get it though, you don’t want her to suffer and you don’t want her to hurt herself. In some cases, poisoning the milk to wean someone off of you is the best course of action. What that means is that you are no longer attractive, appealing, or anything to the other person because they don’t like what you are becoming.
My girlfriend did this with a guy that wouldn’t leave her house. She was living with him for a while and when she asked him to leave, he wouldn’t. She felt threatened. So over a few weeks, she was able to convince him how bad she was for him. She was able to highlight her “bad” qualities and how much more he could get from someone else. This worked for her, but it doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
Poisoning the milk means something different for everyone. You stop showering when you see each other… you’re always asking to borrow money but never paying it back… etc.
I’m not saying these are exactly ethical or honest, but at the same time, the end result frees them from wanting to be with / around you and frees you from the fear that whatever you do will have dire consequences on them.
Many who threaten suicide when so and so wants to leave find that they aren’t as dependent on the other person as they thought when that other person becomes unappealing.
Poisoning the milk is a radical step and I’m not saying you “should” do it, I’m just saying there’s a point if you can’t get out from under the fear and worry, you might need to take more radical action. Poisoning the milk can help someone come to their own conclusion that perhaps they don’t need or want you as much as they thought they did.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you much strength.
I experienced all of this for 7 years and he did it. I tried and I tried I stayed I supported. I loved and I nurtured. I couldnt make a relationship work if there are lies and secrets and than i loves yous and than if i dont accept the apologies right away it turns very dark and than the i dont see my life without you. I couldnt take his pain away i couldnt make us ok. In his families eyes im the blame. They didnt see what i seen however i have made them aware of this through out the years. I was excluded from all of his services everything was private. But i was the one with him for years we didnt even have family in the city we live in. No matter what if we were together or not we helped each other. And theres so much more to this story. But he is missed so much he left children that are heart broken right now. If you think your not lovee you are so wrong. We all get caught up in our own lives but that doesnt mean u are not loved. This is all so recent it still doesnt seem real. I bearly have motivation to shower. Being social is dreadful i just want to curl up and die. Im taking it one day at a time. And when im up to verbally talking maybe some counceling because we all go though ups and downs in a relationship. I should have been allowed to move on. Just as he did he was wonderful and handsome smart funny i thought i was lucky to get him. But everyone comes with a past and I cant be the only solution to the problems no matter how much i wanted to be.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t know if you’re journaling but it can be helpful if you don’t want to be social or talk to a therapist. I do know that you need to embrace that you deserve a happier existence with people that love you and treat you with kindness. Don’t let anyone ever convince you of anything else.
It sounds like you are on a journey to recovery but it also sounds like you have a ways to go. Never, ever give up and always take steps forward for your healing and well-being. Don’t get sucked into one person’s vortex of misery because you have so much more to live for in this life.
I appreciate you. Thank you again for sharing this.
I am in this situation i have never had many women in my life and i met this girl recently from my driving job and i only knew her for 2 weeks when she started saying if you leave me i will kill myself. Shes been to university and she did psychology for one year and she left it and done sociology instead. But cause she knows how to read someone mind a bit
She is really messing up my head. Now its been 2 months togather i cannot wait to leave her when ever i tell her im leaving she says shes not going home and walks away in anger.
The reason why i want to leave her is if she can do this now she can do it later down the line when we have kids and then it will hurt more and give me more misery
I hope she is just bluffing and not going to do it because i love her to bits and it will hurt me alot and her parents.
Thanks for sharing this Khan. You are smart not to make too much of a commitment at this time. She may heal in the future, but what you see today is all you can bet on for the future. Hopefully she does heal and get past this, but it’s a tough situation for those she pulls into this. I hope the suggestions on the episode were helpful. It’s such a tricky situation. I wish you much strength and the right words to get through this. Thank you again.
Paul Colaianni
Thank you for your advice my brother I wish other people were lucky as me to get to this article
As earĺy as me. I just feel pity for those people that go through this for years because its mentally draining and tiring. If feels like someone has put a gun to your head and forcing you do something that her family wont agree to neither will mines. I have completely locked her off and she rings my phone on unknown number and i know it is her i dont pick up . But atleast i know she still alive.
Paul Colaianni you are real live saver for all the people like us that go through this and putting out a article about suicide blackmailing
God give you blessing
Thanks
I just saw this now. I am so grateful for your words. Thank you. Fortunately, this article is now getting found more and more by those who need it. I appreciate your reply. Thank you again.
Wonderful article. I can say from personal experience, I told my girlfriend (Ex now) that I need a few days of space from her after her constant negativity and verbal/emotional abuse. That “few days” lasted only a few hours when she texted me begging to speak. I’m glad I answered. She told me that she thought I was breaking up with her and that she took some pills and drank half a bottle of liquor (she eventually made herself threw up the pills). She told me she wanted to kill herself for Her pushing me away and For thinking that I wanted to break up with her. She made me swear not to tell her mother. Against my better judgment, I did not. In fact, I stayed with her for another 2.5 years. She use similar expressions throughout our relationship. “If you leave me I’ll have nothing, no one, no friends, I’ll have to go back home (another state) etc. She used other methods to abuse my empathy and love for her. Eventually I became numb to the relationship and couldn’t leave for fear of her hurting herself. She eventually ended things with me, which came to a total of 3.5-4 years together. It was a relief. I had been planning on doing the same but the prior months were filled with weekly fits of her crying to the point of throwing up/chocking/fainting (I couldn’t tell, they were the scariest noises I ever heard someone make while crying) for fear that she would lose me. Eventually she was able to get a new group of friends, feel a bit more secure without me, and ultimately come to terms that we disagreed on a number of different beliefs that would affect our marriage (she also pressured me to “take the next step”). I ask that anyone who is in a similar situation or feels that they might be, please seek outside help to confirm your suspicions. If you are in this scenario, try to fix it or leave. I wish I had left. I am having a hard time grasping the abuse I received for 2.5 years. When you’re in it, it’s hard to know. I made the mistake of never talking to anybody about it because I was afraid to share our struggles. I also felt weak and embarrassed by them. It hurts knowing the one you love is behaving this way to you, but it needs to be addressed. I lost 2.5 years of my life and most of my confidence because of this. The road to healing will be a long and hard one. And, in a sick way, I still feel responsible for the death of our relationship. I *know* it was abusive yet Ive been so manipulated for so long that I cannot escape the thought that I was the cause. I wish I had this article when I was confronted with the threat of suicide.
Thank you for sharing this John. So sorry you had to go through this. I hope those years brought some benefit as well (mental and emotional strengthening, learning what the red flags are if it starts with someone else, etc).
I am grateful you posted this here for others who might be in a similar circumstance. You got it from both sides: Stay and feel abused. Leave and feel guilty and maybe shame. It’s set up to be a no-win situation.
One suggestion my girlfriend gave for those in relationships like this is to “sour the milk” so to speak. You start showing up to the other person as less appealing and even “wrong” for them. My girlfriend had to do that with someone that wouldn’t leave her house after she wanted to break up. She somehow convinced him that she was no good for him. There are many ways to do that. I’m not saying it will work every time (or even most of the time) but it does help to have as many options at your disposal as possible.
Glad you are out of that situation. Thank you again for sharing.
My boyfriend sent this to me. It is all true. What can I do to not be a toxic girlfriend anymore? 🙁
Thanks for your comment Lauren. I’m sure this was difficult to listen to. I talk about this on my other show The Overwhelmed Brain. Tune into that podcast. It’s all about empowering yourself so you can make the right decisions for you and those you love.
You are not broken. You are not toxic (toxic people don’t usually want help). You’re just going through a phase and need some guidance. You may have done some “toxic” behavior, but it doesn’t define you. It isn’t you. It is only behavior and you can change that!
Love and Abuse will help you identify other behaviors that you and those you love may be doing. It will be helpful for you to label and understand those so you can learn what needs to change. And The Overwhelmed Brain will give you lots of tools so that you can increase your self-worth and self-esteem. You’re going to find a lot of helpful info on both shows.
You will get through this. I appreciate you. Thank you for sharing this.
Here’s the podcast: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/
And you’re already at Love and Abuse so I don’t need to give you that web address. 😉
Thank you so much for this article, it literally brought me to tears. My husband and I are divorcing, I also have a restraining order in place because he has tried to commit suicide 12 times in the past year. I have had him involuntary committed 3 times. Its not that I dont love or care about him, but I am emotionally drained. Sometimes I have to stay on the phone with him all day to get him through his pain and its heartbreaking. Before reading this article, I had to tell him I am seeing someone else. I felt I had too, so I could find some freedom from him. Now I wake up everyday wondering if today will be the day he achieved suicide. I am stuck and miserable with feelings of guilt of leaving him and trying to find my own happiness. It’s comforting to know that there is someone out there who recognizes my pain too. Thank you again. I am definitely subscribing.
Wow. So sorry you’ve had to deal with this. It sounds like you do care about him because you actually wanted to help him. Yes, you need to be released from this and realize that you’ve done your part (MANY, MANY TIMES) and you no longer have to be attached to his outcome. Focus on yourself so that you can keep your power. You’ve already given him a gift, now he has to run with it and do what he needs to do for himself.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I wish you much strength and healing as you move forward.
My online friend started liking me, I had something feelings, but I didn’t want a relationship, because I wasn’t ready. He started begging me to be his, but i didn’t want to, and then I said that I need a little time, he didn’t agree with me but did it anyway. He started lying to me about his health just to get my attention, I got mad at him of course, and things get even worse. We tried to talk about these things, but nothing got different. Then he started sending so many texts saying I am a bad person, an egoist and he has suicide problems because of me, I tried to talk to him about that, but he didn’t listen. And then my father forced me to block him. Then he made c couple profiles to text me the same stuff. I feel so horrible about myself, felling like a bad person, like, I am ruining someone’s life. And thinking if I don’t forgive him, he will actually do it and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.
Block at every turn. And if you are feeling harassed, call the authorities. People like this know how to use your own compassion against you. They rely on your guilt to cause you to cave and be with them. They are dangerous to be around not because they are physically threatening to you (though, some can be), but because they are a huge threat to your heart and mind. Of course you feel bad. It’s because you’re a kind person that doesn’t want to see others suffer. But, he’s forcing you to believe that YOU are causing his suffering when in reality, it’s his own behavior that causes his suffering. Someone who cares about you doesn’t make you feel guilty. They want you to be happy. He knows you’re a nice person so he’s taking advantage of you and violating your boundaries.
Don’t fall for it. You can feel bad for him, but don’t read anything he sends. As soon as you hear his voice on a voice mail, delete it, and block him at every turn or you will cause yourself to feel guilty over nothing you did. Remember, he wants you to feel guilty so you’ll cave in.
It sounds cold, I know. But when you engage with someone like this, in any way, even to say, “Stop bothering me”, it’s a cue for them to continue engaging you. That’s why “no contact” is often the only option.
If you really fear for his life, meaning you think he will kill himself, then the next time he mentions it, call the police because you need to treat them as real threats.
But stop exposing yourself to this toxic behavior. You may have to change your number, make a different social media profile, and other things just to hide yourself from him. Sorry, but this is considered stalking and you are a victim and need to protect yourself.
Please take everything I say as my personal opinion and not professional advice. You’re dealing with someone who needs help and you are not the one to give it to him. You need to protect yourself before you get sucked into something you regret. Better to avoid all you can than to make any connection at all. I hope this helps.
This article is me. We’ve been together almost 6 years. I made the biggest mistake getting back together with her after I left her a year into seeing this pattern. Now, years later, I’ve had to abandon my friends who tried to stop us being together, left most of what made me the best me – behind in a mental shadow box. But this is my life. What makes it worse is that she has physical illness and disabilities now that REALLY let her sink into the “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” phrase.
I care about her as a person, but I am no longer in love with her. I guess secretly I’ve let myself go and don’t try anymore hoping that one day she’ll leave me. Then all the guilt of breaking up with her and leaving her unemployed and sleeping on a couch or on the street somewhere will all go away. I just hope that one day maybe it will happen. And that my friends that I left behind and had to abandon will forgive me.
This is the first time I’ve ever typed any of this out. No one, not even my family knows that this is the real me. Not the fake smile and fake laughs. My life sucks and it sucks even more that I’ve allowed one person, the wrong person, to make me feel this way…
I hope you are doing okay. I am in a similar situation. My fiance, we’ve been together for almost 6 years, and I fell out of love with him, and tried to break up with him a year ago, and he threatened to kill himself. I think he said it out of fear and desperation at the time, but he has a history with suicide attempts. So I stayed for him, not for me. My entire life is empty right now. My family also doesn’t know, I haven’t told anyone what happened or that I tried to leave him, because I don’t know how to say it to them.
I don’t know if my situation is entirely the same as yours, but I understand the feeling of “I let myself go”. I’ve started living life at the bare minimum, just to get through until I can find a better time to break up with him. But I’m so scared that he will try to kill himself, because he’s so dependent on me emotionally. All I do is drag myself to work every day, then come home and sit on the couch and pass the time.
I really hope you are doing well, and even if you’re not, I hope you can get some small comfort knowing you’re not alone. Hopefully you can get out of that relationship, I really hope so.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sure there are others out there that may be going through something similar as you. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn in my life is that I’m not responsible for how someone else, no matter how challenged they are, feels about the decisions I make to honor myself. I’ve learned that those who truly love me will allow me to do what’s right for me. If they are upset or coerce me so that I cannot follow my path, that is not love – it is control.
I’m glad you are expressing this. Just writing it out can be a release, albeit not a huge release I’m sure.
You are dealing with a delicate situation I’m sure. If you stay, you may have to lay down some ground rules on how you wish to be treated. You may have to stand up for yourself and let her know what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is unacceptable to you. If you haven’t done that yet, that may be your next step. Someone who truly loves you will want to know what you will and won’t accept for behavior. They will want you to be happy so they will abide by the guidelines that make you happy. If she doesn’t want to follow those guidelines, let her know that makes you unhappy and that is not love.
There’s obviously a lot going on and I am only scratching the surface. Please know that these are just opinions and not professional advice because your situation would need some very articulate attention and observation from a psychological professional in order to give you a solid path through and out of this.
I do know that no one should suffer in a relationship and both partners should honor each other’s path to happiness. Be sure to continue listening to the podcast. And remember that sometimes the greatest gift you can give to someone who is emotionally abusing you is to take yourself out of the equation to give them an opportunity to learn what they need to do for themselves. Again, your situation may require something different suggested by a psychologist, but I’m only sharing what I’d do.
Thank you again. Find your strength. You’re going to need as much as you can get to take the next right steps for both of you.
An episode that could be helpful:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/identifying-your-sense-of-self-overcoming-the-guilt-of-leaving-the-emotional-abuser-diminishing-emotional-triggers/
The second segment especially.
Awesome article I can’t say thank you enough, you really helped me to understand the situation that I’m struggling with.
Thank you for your comment Steve. I wish you much strength in whatever you’re going through.
Thank you for this article.
I’ve been with my husband for 21 years. Since we where teenagers. We where teen parents also. Throughout these years I lost myself and became depressed. He’s had a few affairs throughout this time. I left him for most of my 3rd child’s pregnancy but he claimed he was better and changed so I gave in and tried again. Right before Covid I had my 4th child who needed life saving treatment at birth. Heart and lung surgeries plus many more things to keep her alive. I suffered from PTSD after all of it blaming myself for my baby’s health even though I know I could not have been the cause. It took me awhile to see passed this. Then Covid hit and he had another affair well recovering from my own 2 surgeries and I was working on helping my child heal and get strong. I was pushing my depression aside and he never gave any emotional of physical support and I was the one at fault because I was arguing with him. I won’t lie I did argue a bit more being overwhelmed, feeling like nothing, was not bringing in an income, weight gain and I felt trapped, locked away and hurt. He again claimed it was nothing and changed but not for long. Going through Covid in the first months and even now is scary due to my child’s is extremely high risk. I stepped down from my 10 yr job due to Covid and my children’s needs. He remained working throughout all of this. He then had another affair which I found out on Christmas Eve. We went through Christmas Day for the kids and he thought everything went back to normal but I asked him to leave the next day. He did and stayed away with no calls or contact. He had the money so I could not pay the up coming rent and other needs but I was looking for help. I joined online zoom classes for depression and separation. Applied for jobs. Started working out daily and just overall pushed myself to get better for myself and kids. I was hurting but wanted so bad to feel better. He then messaged weeks later apologizing. I ignored it. Then he did again. He decided to call me that day which I also ignored. I know we needed space and time but he was persistent and called me over 64 times that day. He finally realized I would not answer so he messaged me saying he was going to the hospital. Said he hoped they find cancer or something and that he died then said that he needed his medical card which he had just got a new one right before he left but forgot to put in his wallet. So I answered and told him I was done and could no longer live this way. His response was then I have nothing to live for. No reason to breathe. He hung up so I called him back alarmed by the responses. He told me he walked off the job and was going to jump off the freeway over pass. I messaged his brother who worked with him while on the phone with him and his brother could not find him so I rushed down there to talk him down. The out come was him coming back and seeking help for himself. Things where going better till this week when the last woman he was seeing decided to message me and send a picture saying she was pregnant with his child and he was not responding. I’m crushed. I’m sorry this is confusing and sloppy I am crying has I write this and a mess.
Thank you all for your stores I don’t feel has alone.
I’m so sorry you’ve endured all of this. All I can say is thank you for expressing here and for warning others to watch out for this type of person.
A tiger that is trained not to eat meat will not be able to resist the urge of eating meat. In other words, some people cannot stop their bad behavior and will say and do anything so they can have their cake and eat it too. He wants you in his life AND he wants to act badly and betray and lie to you. You don’t want that and you don’t deserve it.
Sounds like you have some big decisions to make in your life. It sure seems if he’s not killing himself, he’s killing you slowly. Don’t let him do that. You have already shown how strong you are, now get your strength back so that you can take the next right steps.
I know some decisions are easier said than done, but I also know you have the ability to do whatever it takes to show yourself that you deserve better treatment.
I appreciate you. Thank you again for sharing here. I wish you much strength and healing.
My boyfriend has been threatening me with suicide. I know I did wrong by taking a liking to another friend, but I have been deeply and truly sorry about it. Everything you said in this episode was correct, and it purely describes me and my boyfriend’s attributes. I tried to break up with him because I’ve started working overseas and he tried to call me every minute of every day that he even required videocalling while I was sleeping and he was working. It felt like a burden, and I’ve never felt so drained. Now, I wanted to get out of the relationship but he doesn’t want to. He’s now threatening me with suicide and I can’t get in contact with his family because he never showed me to them, so I was thinking that if he would commit suicide, his family would blame me for everything and this makes me so scared. I tried calling hotlines in the country but they won’t answer. I have never felt so devastated before than now. What do I do?
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I know it’s tough! Please remember a few things:
This is obviously a touchy situation and I cannot guide you with the exact steps for you to take. I could tell you one thing and it could go wrong or I could tell you that thing and everything works out great.
But I can tell you that you should do everything you can then walk away. What that means is you involve whoever needs to be involved so that professionals or family can take over. You are not a suicide counselor (as far as I know) and you’re not a therapist (as far as I know) so that’s why other people need to take this over.
There will be a point where you’ll have to walk away. I can’t tell you when that is or how, I just know you need to do what you can so that you can say, “I did what I could” no matter what happens.
The only other piece of advice I can offer (and this is only a personal opinion, not professional guidance), is to start poisoning his perception of you by showing up in a way that is unappealing.
In other words, what does he like about you? Change that. If he loves your blonde hair, color it black. If he likes that you don’t smoke, pretend you started smoking.
Again, these are only OPINIONS, not my professional advice. My disclaimer is everything I’m telling you here is an opinion and you should always seek professional advice from a qualified person. That could be calling a therapist or similar so they can guide you.
My thoughts on poisoning his perception of you works with stalkers so it is possible it could help here too. Sometimes people have an unwavering perception of you but if you started changing that, they might make a decision on who they want in their life.
I wish you much strength through this. And stop blaming yourself. When you’re sorry about something, you only need to apologize once. Say it once, mean it, and then you don’t have to apologize anymore (assume you really are sorry). When you do that, you’re job is done. You’ve apologize and passed the baton on to the other person to accept that apology or not. It’s up to them. But no more apologies are needed. Forgive yourself a break from past behaviors and move forward. You don’t have to beat yourself up anymore.
I tried breaking up with my girlfriend today and when I did she said the words “I want to kill myself, I want the pain to stop”. I was so shocked and immediately felt so guilty and horrible about myself. She begged me to stay in the relationship and promised she would change her clingy behavior but honestly, I think I’ve fallen out of love with her. I decided to backtrack and said that instead of breaking up we’ll spend a week apart for me to decide whether to stay in the relationship.
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in a week from now when I ultimately say it’s best for us to both move on. I feel like a bad person for wanting to break up. My girlfriend says its unfair that I am breaking up so suddenly without her input but I just feel so drained by this relationship that I don’t want to wait for her to change her behavior I just want the relationship to end.
Paul, this statement really resonated with me “You are not responsible for anyone’s behavior but your own. No matter who wants to be with us or who wants us to go away, everyone has to make their own choices and no one else can be held responsible for those choices.” Thank you for that.
I wish you much strength through this. No one is obligated to explain why they want to break up or separate. It’s nice when two people can have that conversation, but anyone has a right to break up with anyone at any time for the reasons that matter to them. I think it’s smart to take a week apart and I’m glad she agreed to it. I can’t guide you on the best path, but I hope you are able to guide her to the help she needs or she is able to find a professional or someone that can give her some coping skills and help to improve her self-worth and self-esteem. I recommend listening to one of my episodes where I talk about my girlfriend and how she had to get rid of a stalker boyfriend who wouldn’t leave her alone. It’s definitely not the same thing you’re going through, but her method of weening him off of her was effective and sometimes weening someone off of you can be a gentler way of breaking up. I’m not saying it will work in your case, I just want to give you as many tools as I can. The episode I’m talking about is this one: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/the-adapting-chameleon-personality-when-they-hurt-you-to-get-rid-of-you-accepting-or-denying-toxic-family-members/. I talk about it right before the “outro” of the show where I thank you for listening. I don’t know the exact time it comes on, but I know it’s closer to the end before the background music plays in the last few minutes.
I wish you the best through this.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5months now. Everything was going great until he started to just change. His attitude got worse, he started to lose his respect for things or people. Then the arguments started flooding in. Each time we would get into a small argument he would instantly threat suicide and then I had to make him stop. I did a little research on this and it shows that if your partner regularly threats, he is forcing emotional abuse on you. The thought of it was so scary and I even stayed in contact with his mother. He is still doing it from this day, and it is mentally draining me.
Those who threaten suicide, in my opinion, need to be taken seriously. If you knew for a fact that he was absolutely going to do it regardless of what you said or did, what would you do then?
Unless you’re a crisis counselor, this isn’t something you are qualified to handle and if I were in your shoes, the next time he said anything like that, I would get a definitive answer from him. I would ask, “Are you serious? Are you going to commit suicide?” If he says yes, be kind and compassionate toward him then without his knowledge, call an emergency number or one of his trusted relatives or friends to let them know he’s going to commit suicide. At minimum, if he’s lying to guilt you into compliance, then he learns about accountability and what happens when he does that type of behavior. At maximum, you’ve done everything you can to save his life.
This is only my personal opinion. I cannot possibly predict what will happen, I just know that if you don’t treat it seriously, it will likely continue indefinitely. I wish you much strength through this.
Thank you for this. It seems several people are sharing their stories, so I want to share mine because I really have nobody to talk to anymore. I’ve been married for almost 13 years, dated for 4 years before that, roughly. I never had that “head over heels” attraction to her. There was never much more than a very basic sexual attraction and someone who was ‘fun’ to be around at the time. We almost broke up several times, including the day before our oldest son was born (2 months before we got married). I told myself I would do everything I could to make it work for my kid. Fast forward to 2017. My mother, who was my confidant for my whole life, passed away unexpectedly (my father passed away when I was 9). My wife gave me no support, and when the topic of her death came up, my wife’s only response was “I miss her too you know” with zero empathy, like she was the one who lost. By summer 2019, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I am a shell of who I once was. I lost all interest in everything I enjoy. I don’t do anything for myself unless she tells me to do it, and then I do it begrudgingly just because she wanted me to. It’s a horrible feeling to think that I’m only going out to do things I enjoyed, because she wanted me to.
After probably 4-5 years of contemplating, I decided I wanted a divorce and told her. She was obviously upset, but it only took her about 20-30 minutes to decide that maybe it would be better. Later she would tell me that if I leave, nobody would care if she died, etc. We have 2 kids together, so I stayed. I am still in this “relationship” today, and never been more unhappy. With Covid last year, my entire office started working from home in March 2020, and we are not going back to the office until sometime in 2022, if ever. Being home all day, every day, I started to think about how I understood why people had suicidal thoughts, with the depression. I have known for a long time that I need to move on, but I haven’t been able to, partly because I’m afraid of how our kids will be, and partly because I’m afraid of what she will do.
I just want to move on and be happy, but I’m afraid of what she might do, and while I don’t have any romantic feelings for her and don’t want to be around her, I don’t want her to hurt herself. I want her to be happy, but I can’t make her happy, and I am not happy with her.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Right now, it’s so important to read, watch and listen to material that supports you being the best version of you. When you’ve been so drained for so long, you tend to lose a big part of you. It’s important you raise all those important levels inside you (self-care, self-love, self-compassion, self-worth, self-esteem, etc) so that you will have the strength and the courage to make decisions you need to make. You can’t control what anyone else does, so focus on you now. Listen to my other podcast The Overwhelmed Brain to start. There’s so much more to life than letting fear of what someone might do control you. Maybe it’s time to have a conversation to find out what she wants in a relationship to find out if you add up to everything she wants and needs. Maybe she doesn’t even realize that you can’t provide that to her and she keeps looking for you to provide something you don’t have. Or, if you don’t have that conversation, some people can shift away from toxic relationships like this by poisoning the milk so to speak. In other words, make yourself unattractive and unlovable to the point where they want you to leave. I’m not giving you that as advice because of the tricky situation, I’m just saying that others have done this with success. It weans you off of them as any kind of dependency.
No matter what, I know this is hard. Thank you again for sharing and I wish you much strength and healing through this.
for 6 months I became dependant on my ex girlfriend, I said I was going to kill myself daily, and I was really miserable as she was the only thing in my life, eventually she dumped me and went no contact despite us having a 2 month old daughter, I don’t understand how people can just want to leave and say I dont love you anymore, love is an emotion, it changes all the time, real love is a choice, I can’t believe she gave up on me
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been broken up with in every relationship I’ve been in so I know the feeling. It’s very difficult for someone we love to stay in a relationship with us when we are highly dependent on them. I’ve drained the energy from so many of my girlfriends over the years. It took a divorce for me to finally understand that I needed to work on my self-worth and self-esteem, and also stop being so judgmental and critical of them. I was controlling and manipulative so that they would do what I wanted them to do. If you’ve ever been around someone controlling, it’s very difficult to be happy. I don’t know what your situation was, but realizing that someone wouldn’t want to be with me when I’m controlling and judgmental was life changing.
Often, threatening to commit suicide if someone leaves you is a way to control them to stay. That doesn’t feel loving at all to the other person so they will want to get away because they feel controlled. You are probably a VERY loving person, I’m guessing. But you’ve not been able to express it in a way that is healthy. There’s some work you need to do on yourself and someone is going to be very fortunate to be with you. I felt as you once did, maybe not to the extent you expressed here, but I know there’s a whole lot inside you to give to someone else so please work on yourself as much as possible. Listen to my podcast The Overwhelmed Brain. Look up the episodes on suicide and also judgment because I think they will teach you a lot. Again, grateful you shared here. I appreciate you!
My ex was codependant like I was, so there is an irony in the fact she left me due to my dependancy, as she herself was in some way benefting psycholically from my dysfunction
thanks for the reply
I’ve know some new ” friends” just over a year now. Most of that year was communicating virtually although I met them 4 times in real life. The two friends eventually entered a relationship together and i felt rather pushed out and ignored. I backed off and replied less. He later said he had self harmed because i didn’t reply and he thought i hated him. He made me promise I’d reply in future but he never promised he wouldn’t self harm again.
Would you continue seeing him or would you remove him from your life?
Personally, I stay as far away from people that try to guilt me as possible. The more involved you are with someone that uses self-harm as a threat if you don’t stay friends or stay connected, the more enmeshed you will be in their life and the more likely they will self-harm. The reason is that the more you communicate with them, the more chances there are for them to take something the wrong way. It only gets worse, never better. If someone ever threatens to hurt themselves unless you stay friends or call them more or whatever, it is dangerous for both of you. So, no, if I were in your shoes, I would block him and move on. I’m not saying you should do that, but that’s what I would do. These situations are always difficult, but you should not be under the constant manipulation of someone who needs professional help.
Thank you for this article. I knew things were bad in my relationship. Exactly as you described, he had a very abusive upbringing not only from his parents but, grandparents and other family members. None of this was made apparent until about a year and a half to almost 2 years into our relationship when I finally started asking questions about his behaviour towards me.
He was exactly as you describe, incredibly needy and dependant on me. No matter how I tried to change what I was doing, who I was talking to or, how I spoke to and treated him. I feel so deceived and taken advantage of. he isolated me and I wasn’t paying close enough attention.
After spending the last month continuously standing up for myself when he called me a user, cold-hearted bitch, lazy, ungrateful, or the many onslaught of derogatory names to make me feel unworthy, I left him yesterday after almost 3 years of trying so hard to make him happy.
As I was packing a bag, he then took all of his sleeping medication, anti depressants behind my back and, my car. He didn’t threaten, he just did it and left a note before leaving the house.
I didn’t know what to do or where he went. He left his phone, everything. I called the cops. The worst part is he has me so isolated I couldn’t even tell the police where to look for him.
They did find him and he is now in the hospital and I am left so hurt, heart broken, angry and guilty that this is all my fault. Just like he wanted.
I came online to look for some answers I suppose. I don’t feel like I should feel the way I do but at the same time, I am now completely aware of how badly I have been manipulated.
Its really hard to not feel like I did this to another human being. That this is my fault and I should have done so many things differently.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. The kindest, most empathetic, caring, supportive, generous people can get taken advantage of like this. You feel guilty because you are who you are: You care. You also don’t want to think you caused this. You didn’t, of course. He was going to make you feel this way NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. There is nothing you could have done to avoid this because you care. When you care, you take risks because you have an open heart. You could close your heart and not care, but that’s not who you are. It’s because you care that you feel the way you do. But it’s also because you care that makes you an amazing person. That’s the price of being who you are, unfortunately. I mean that in a complimentary way though. You can either close your heart and care about no one, and take no risks by not being vulnerable. Or you can open your heart as you did and hope people don’t take advantage of it. Some people do, unfortunately. His clinginess and neediness led to obsessive and selfish behavior which had nothing to do with you. Fortunately, maybe he’s getting the care he needs now.
It’s definitely not your fault, but it’s hard to accept that when you’re in it. But having the heart you do is a risk. It’s almost always worth the risk however because when your heart is open, when you find the right person, the love and connection can be amazing.
Guilt should be a fleeting emotion. Go to theoverwhelmedbrain.com and look up the word guilt in the search field. When you’re ready that is. You have some processing to do and some detoxing. But you’ll get through this and you’ll find peace again. I’m glad you took the steps you needed to take. Don’t take responsibility for his actions. This was a no-win situation for you – you would not have been able to get out of this unscathed. Again, not your fault. But it may take some time to fully soak that in.
Stay strong. Healing has started.
Thank you for your kind words Paul. Im currently in the process of trying esquetrian therapy to see if it helps me better than talk therapy. I have also been trying to deal with the loss of my mother last year to a car accident that was not her fault and haven’t been given any time to learn to cope or deal with it. Jan 18th is the anniversary so this whole situation just rubs me in a painful way as a whole.
Thank you so much for your articles and I will be going through your site looking for some tips on how to manage myself and my emotions through this time.
Thank you again for listening to me and being kind enough to give me some advice.
Thanks for sharing here Kate. And thank you for your words.
I created an episode on The Overwhelmed Brain called The Pain of Loss that might be helpful to you as you remember your mom. Certainly, process it the way you need and want to, but I wanted to let you know in case it was helpful to you.
I appreciate you.
My bestfriend feels like she cannot do anything without this guy she has been seeing for 4 years. She has Bi polar disorder and he cheated on her on her birthday a year ago and she decided to stay with him but since then she thinks he’s lying all the time. She drives past his house multiple times a day, once called him 87 times in a row, goes through his followers goes as far as texting the girls he is following, has keyed his car one time and slept with his cousin. He knows all this and try’s to leave but everytime she threatens to kill herself. By all means he’s crazy and manipulative as well and I think he is just as bad. But she is getting worse and told her family she is going to overdose on fentanyl last night that she cannot handle being without him and she does not want to think anymore. She turned her location off and is pushing everyone away as well and when we tried to talk about it with her today she told me that everyone is acting crazy and that she is fine.
That’s so challenging. This is exactly the kind of thing you have to treat seriously. Whether that’s an intervention or calling the authorities or something else. This is obsessive thinking and it usually does not end until the obsession is satisfied. In this case, that would be her ex getting back together with her. Since he may have some mental health challenges too, whether they are together or apart sounds just as dangerous either way.
I can’t tell you exactly what to do in this case. I could give you one suggestion, but it could backfire. I could give you another, but that could backfire too. This is why things like this are so hard: You never know what is going to send someone over the edge.
Sorry this is happening. I do know the more you try to tell her to stop, the more she will feel you are against her. Sometimes the only way to get through to people like this is to get on their side and let them know you support whatever they need to do. That doesn’t mean you actually support it, but it does mean she’ll let you in because you aren’t “one of those people against her.” Then, once you’re on her side, you may be able to slowly wean her into a better space.
But still, I cannot give you a recommendation because of the severity of where she is right now. It sounds like she needs help and possibly medication. At a minimum, call the suicide hotline and tell them you have a friend in need and see what they say. 800-273-8255
I wish you much strength through this.
I’m in a really stressful position, because I’ve realized now for many years that my partner is extremely unstable. The momentary upswings have kept us together as well as the release that comes after an argument. In the last two years, he has started threatening suicide depending on the argument. Usually at a time when there is something that I want to do that’s different from what he wants. I really am looking for peace. I’ve been supportive, I’ve tried to get him help, I’ve threatened to talk to family. And now we are engaged to be married. I feel so much shame in canceling the wedding. So much pressure from people, that its making me cry even now. I know that this isn’t a reason to stay. I feel like I’ve put so much work into our relationship. And i know I also have my own flaws. I feel top ashamed to talk to friends. Even though I know someone would listen. And then if we made things work, somehow, which if I’m begin honest with myself I’m not sure how that would ever happen. I feel like they would know everything. I feel so lost and scared. We bought a house together. He screams and it makes my soul just want to be numb. Thank you.
Sorry you are going through this. I guess my only question to you would be: Knowing this is who he is and that he will never, ever change, will you be happy in a relationship with him for the rest of your life?
You will absolutely be made to feel shame for honoring yourself with someone like this. They know how to do this. They know that making you feel shame is a way to control you. So I can’t tell you that you won’t feel shame, all I can tell you is that what you see today will only amplify after you are married. And then, you’ll feel so locked in, you will believe there is no way out.
There is almost always a way out, but you need to make decisions that are right for you. If you stay, you will get more of the same. Anyone that threatens suicide as a control mechanism is dangerous to your health and well-being.
This is absolutely the time to talk to trusted friends and put it all on the table. If you feel like you’ll be judged by them, tell yourself, “So what. They judge me. I need to share this or I may end up in a situation I can’t get out of.”
Take your thoughts and feelings to friends. Believe it or not, friends support each other! They love you and aren’t here to make you feel bad for your decisions, they are here to guide you. Friends want to be asked for advice! That’s what friends are for! Take advantage of that amazing resource before you lock yourself into a relationship that may have no way out.
He may get help and heal someday, but today he is not doing that. What you’ve seen is what you’ll continue to see. Walk into the fear, shame or not, and share with someone you love and trust. Don’t let your own fear of judgment cause you to make a decision that may be very hard to reverse.
I like to think there’s an adult me and a child me. The adult me wants the best for me and stands up for me when I need him to. The child me is afraid sometimes. He hates conflict and doesn’t want people to look at him in a bad way or judge him. That’s when the adult me steps in and says, “I got this. Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.”
Allow the adult you to step in and protect you. Don’t let the child you steer the ship into the rocks. You deserve to be loved and supported and good friends are here to do that. It sounds like partner needs help and without it, he uses you as a crutch to avoid getting help. That’s why decisions we make for ourselves are often the best decisions for both of us. If you decide to leave, you give him the opportunity to find help for what he’s going through. If you stay, you may be the very reason he never gets it.
I don’t mean to put you on the spot there, I’m just saying don’t feel like you are doing a bad thing by honoring yourself if you decide to leave. Sometimes it’s the best thing. And, at the same time, if he’s truly serious about self-harm or suicide, you may need to call the authorities because you have to take the threat as real.
At a minimum, talk to your friends! They love you and want you to be happy.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year , we’re both teens 17 . She has used her threats of suicide , she tried to overdose . was in the hospital when i blocked her . i’m a people pleaser and work to make her happy .she wants and wants and it drains me . I like to be alone , to do what i enjoy . Write , draw , games . i like alone time but she wants me around always . we argue because i don’t get this time to myself. I broke up with her 2 days from writing this and she first tried to pin pregnancy on me “ You wouldn’t leave if i was pregnant “ The test was negative . she then used suicide . I keep her messages unblocked because i’m scared she’ll hurt herself . she has , she sent me proof today of her cuts . it’s different, a cut is different than a pill . it’s hard , you have to mean what you say to cut . She’s dependent in all ways , immature and childish . she wants this future with me but she’s drained me so much i can’t fix it . I want to be alone . to soak in my own pain she’s caused but she only reaches to cause more . I cry at night wondering if she’s trying again . I check my windows to see if she’s driven to my house . She took a bunch of pills and tried to overdose in my yard . I’m lost . i’ve gotten back with her 3-4 times because of these threats . It’s been a year . i feel trapped im in this web and don’t know if cutting her out of my life and suffering the consequences of her potentially killing herself will work out .
If you don’t treat her threats as serious and get professionals involved, you will be stuck like this indefinitely. You are not supposed to fix your partner or ex-partners mental health problems. That is not your role. And the more you give in to this, the more she knows that threatening to hurt or kill herself works to keep you in her life.
I could offer you a dozen directions to go in and, unfortunately, any one of them could lead to her hurting or killing herself for real. If this were happening to me and my girlfriend told me she was going to kill herself if I broke up with her, I’d ask her: Are you serious? If she said yes, I’d call the police.
That’s me. I’m not telling you what to do here because anything I say could lead to unwanted consequences, even if I gave you the best possible solution. You never know what they’re going to do.
If I felt compelled to stay with her after such a threat, I’d realize she is using that as a manipulation to keep me in her life. And because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who manipulated me like that, I might “poison the milk” so to speak. That’s a figure of speech, don’t do that for real. But what I mean is that I might do my best to show up as less and less attractive to her.
In other words, if she loves that I dress up nicely, I might start wearing old, crappy clothes. If she likes that I don’t drink, I might start drinking more around her. Maybe I’d even pick up smoking if she couldn’t stand smoking. I would just sour the attraction to the point that I wean her off of me.
These ideas are really unorthodox and I’m not saying you should do any of them. I’m just sharing if I really felt it was a no win situation (I leave, she kills herself) then I might have to do things that show her I’m not leaving, but give her the opportunity to make different choices in her life.
Please remember that no matter what you do, she makes her own choices. People who guilt you into staying in a situation and make you fearful for leaving are abusing you. Hurt people do hurt people and though she may need some serious help, you cannot bear the responsibility of other people’s behaviors.
I still go back to treating every threat of self-harm or suicide as serious and getting professionals involved who know how to deal with this. If you continue this way, you’ll be so exhausted that you’ll be of no good to her or yourself.
I wish someone could convince my friend that this was true …. She’s giving up a lot to keep him alive, partly for their daughter’s sake and partly because he knows her caring personality and constantly manipulates her ….. It hurts me to watch her suffer this….. I’m really afraid that it will affect her mental health….
I can almost guarantee it’s already affecting her mental health, unfortunately. 🙁 So sad that this happens. Sometimes good people get into emotionally dangerous situations and they don’t know how to get out. Perhaps someday she’ll listen to this episode or something like it and realize she has options, even though they may be very difficult options. And just to make sure this isn’t misunderstood, she isn’t the one keeping him alive. He is the one abusing her with threats that he knows will cause her to feel guilty and stay. She has no control over whether he chooses to live or die, that is his choice and no matter what she does, it will always be his choice to make. No doubt, some do commit suicide after threatening to if you leave them, but none of us should be subject to that kind of abuse.
But what if I actually do want to commit suicide? He had an affair. He chose her over me. Now I’m looking back and seeing the decades of emotional abuse. I kept asking how I could be so dumb to not see the signs of deception and manipulation when he started cheating, and now I’ve come to realize it was a gentle slope that started from the beginning.
I don’t see any way out of this. I wish I could die. I am desperately seeking a way to die without killing myself. Some kind of accident or prayer answered from God.
He won’t let me die. I’ve tried 3x in the past year. He only knows about 2 of them.
Is it abusive to tell him when I’m feeling like hanging myself again? Should I be honest? Should I just make a plan and do it when I’m ready so he doesn’t feel responsible? He doesn’t have power over me. He can’t make me live or die!
I wasn’t like this before he destroyed me. I was a happy, kind, joyful musician and mom. I saw beauty in simple things. Now I feel like the apocalypse has happened and nothing will ever be good again. It will always be tainted. I will always know that he chose to risk losing me and our family. He chose himself, his AP, his life over me and the kids. I didn’t have enough intrinsic value to him.
I can leave him. Yes. That involves destroying my biggest life value which is family. I don’t want my kids raised in divorce. I wanted to break the cycle. I am either failing myself, failing my kids, or failing at my marriage.
I would prefer to just die. It doesn’t matter if he leaves me or not. Him staying with me 18 months after his confession has not helped me feel any better. He says he isn’t leaving, and I still want to die. If he leaves, then it would be easier for everyone else to understand my actions. I just hate my tortured life.
Am I now the abuser? After 24 years of marriage, decades of bread crumbing, unfullfilled promises, and sacrificing my career for the kids, I’m the bad one? I can’t do anything right. Sigh. I suppose this is just what I deserve- a life worse than eternal hell.
And yes, I am in therapy. He’s in therapy. Kids are in therapy. I’m on meds. I’ve been to residential. I am a mess. I was fine before he destroyed me.
It sounds like you have been with someone who cares about no one but himself. Emotionally abusive people hurt those around them so they can get what they want. They don’t care how others feel. If he was with a different partner, that person would be going through the same hell you are. That person would feel like dying as well. Never define yourself through the eyes of a selfish, abusive person. The happy, joyful musician and mom are still in there, but you are seeing yourself through the toxic lens of an abuser.
Family is your biggest value but he doesn’t share that value with you. When you think of family, I’m sure loyalty and commitment come to mind. I’m sure honesty, love and support come to mind as well. But if he doesn’t hold those values and only you do, then leaving isn’t destroying your biggest life value of family. He is already doing that himself. Sometimes we end up with people who we don’t align with. And when they don’t let us be who we are, they can make us think we are unlovable and unworthy. That’s the biggest problem with emotional abuse: It convinces the victim they aren’t worthy of loving. When you don’t feel worthy of loving, it’s not true. You’ve just been made to believe it is by someone who would rather control you than see you happy.
I hope you listen to my other episodes of Love and Abuse, because you’ll learn how abusers will make you feel like a shell of your former self. I’ve listed a few episodes I want you to listen to below, especially the first one of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast.
Are you now the abuser? No. You are in pain and you want to be happy and the person you want to be happy with is someone who cannot do that for you. He isn’t capable at this time. He isn’t healed. And if you stay with him, it will only continue to hurt.
Abusers want to hurt another person. They are selfish and don’t care how the other person feels. YOU CARE. You have cared so much for so long that you have drained yourself of all your energy trying to please someone who isn’t capable of being pleased. Even if you showed up exactly as he wanted you to, it still wouldn’t be enough for him. That’s not your fault, that’s on him. He not only has sky high standards that no one will ever be able to meet, but he is so self-absorbed that he won’t even give you what you deserve: Love and respect.
The person you were is still in there. The joy is still there. It’s just been so clouded by someone who wants you to believe that you are no good. Remember: You cannot trust the words and perception of a selfish, abusive person.
Really define what family means to you and ask yourself if that’s what you have right now. If it isn’t, it is an opportunity to review what you have and what you can have. Family only works when there is strong leadership who support each other. If he’s not on board with that, it might be time to consider reorganizing your family structure. I don’t know if that means leaving, but I do know that growing up in a toxic household myself, I would have been much better off without a toxic stepfather raising us kids. The damage was far worse than it would have been if my mom had been alone.
It’s very hard for you to think right now because you are so much in the fog. But I do hope you reconnect with the part of you that wants to experience joy and music again. I hope you are able to share those things with your kids. Sometimes we need to take a break from the toxic people in our life just to get clarity about what to do next. Because sometimes we need to realize that some people will never change. And if we accept that, as hard as that might be, we can finally make good decisions for our life instead of continuing to think this is all there is to life. Once you break free from that toxic hold the relationship has on you, you’ll discover there really is another whole aspect of life worth living.
Stay strong. Take your power back. Don’t give any more to him. You deserve so much better.
My episode recommendations:
https://loveandabuse.com/there-is-nothing-you-could-have-done-differently-emotional-abuse-would-have-happened-anyway/
https://loveandabuse.com/is-your-response-to-their-bad-behavior-emotional-abuse/
https://loveandabuse.com/you-will-never-ever-be-good-enough-for-a-manipulative-and-controlling-person/
https://loveandabuse.com/emotional-abuse-drains-you-and-makes-you-believe-terrible-things-about-yourself/
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/is-your-compassion-killing-you-what-you-think-is-compassion-could-be-self-destruction/
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/sometimes-you-have-no-options-left-so-you-become-depressed/
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/i-didnt-ask-to-be-born-and-i-dont-want-to-be-here/