Love and Abuse – Manipulation and Emotional Abuse in Relationships

When someone in your life claims to have changed and promises to stop behaving badly, have they truly changed, or are they just pretending?

Telling the difference between the actor and the authentic person is vital to avoid the effects of crazy-making. Your sanity may depend on it.

This comes up often in emotionally abusive relationships, where you hear things like “You’re right, I’ll never do that again,” “I promise I’ll change,” or “I promise I’m going to therapy tomorrow.”

We receive these “promises” or declarations of change, but there’s always uncertainty about whether it will last. In emotionally abusive relationships, change typically follows a roller coaster pattern:

Today they’re nice.
Tomorrow, they’re controlling.
Today, they’re nice again.

Next week, they’re angry or saying things that make us feel bad about ourselves.

This is the cycle – they appear to be exactly who we want them to be for a few days, then revert to their old behaviors. And we’re left not knowing what to do.

It can be hard to tell real change from temporary adjustments. That’s what I want to address today:

How can you tell if the change you’re seeing is real?

This question matters because this uncertainty is part of what makes these situations so crazy-making. Someone says they’re changing or appears to have changed, but you have this nagging doubt based on experience that tells you, “Well, I’ve seen this before. I would love for this to be true. I would love for them to realize how they’ve hurt me, but I’m not going to hold my breath – even though I want it to be true.”

We invest our energy in hope, want, and faith, thinking “if this is real, this could be the best relationship ever. But if it isn’t, I’m heading for another big letdown.”

This is what victims of emotional abuse experience. They channel their energy into hoping and believing the other person will return to being who they were in those first weeks or months of the relationship.

They think, “I know they’re in there. I know that good-hearted, kind, loving, supportive person I remember from when we met is still in there.” But often, in these types of relationships, those early behaviors were “the act.” Not always – I’m not saying every case is like this. But frequently, when a relationship is marked by such ups and downs, what you saw at the beginning was sometimes a performance.

It may not have been entirely fake, though. There were likely genuine emotions, thoughts, and caring involved. But when that person disappears, and these other qualities emerge, you find yourself asking, “What happened? Where did you go? Where is the person I met?”

The attachment and love you’ve developed make it difficult to walk away from all the time and emotional energy you’ve invested.

“I Promise I’ll Change.”

How do you really know if someone has changed? Is it when they’ve apologized for their behavior, acknowledging it wasn’t good, then try to convince you they’re taking steps to improve?

You want to believe it. And maybe they’ve made some changes that appear promising. But how can you know if the changes they made are permanent? And how can you know if they’re real?

The truth is, you can’t always know. Someone trying to placate you can be skilled at acting and pretending to change just to make you feel comfortable again. Then, once you’re back in that comfortable space, the controlling person, the manipulator, will typically reassert their control.

I’m specifically addressing relationships that fall into the category of emotional abuse, where one partner actively works to control the other and diminish their sense of self. They maintain their partner in a perpetual state of worry, insecurity, and self-doubt, gradually eroding their ability to think independently.

Through this process, the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the person executing this control and manipulation. It’s a complex dynamic that I explore in depth throughout the Love and Abuse podcast.

In these emotionally abusive relationships, one person typically ends up living in a constant state of anxiety and worry, often feeling “crazy” through gaslighting. They experience a profound loss of self-worth and self-value, eventually losing trust in their own judgment because they’re repeatedly told they’re wrong.

The manipulator – the emotional abuser – becomes extremely skilled at convincing you that you’re wrong and that your own perceptions can’t be trusted.

It’s important to note that not everyone who exhibits emotionally abusive or controlling behavior is aware they’re doing it. Some people have no conscious intention of causing harm, yet they still engage in unhealthy behaviors.

Bad behavior isn’t always rooted in bad intentions – many people can act harmfully without realizing it. However, here’s where it gets complicated: many people can pretend to change. That’s why I believe it’s crucial to understand the difference between true change and pretend-change.

I want to define true change for you, at least as I understand it. I want to give you a clear picture of what real, genuine change looks like so that when someone in your life – whether it’s your partner, family member, or anyone else – tells you, “I’m changing,” or “I have changed,” you’ll be able to recognize whether it’s authentic.

What Does A Changed Emotionally Abusive Person Look Like?

True change begins with developing genuine empathy—truly understanding how one’s actions affect another person. It brings a humbling awareness and careful consideration of behavior because the individual finally realizes, deep down, just how unhealthy their actions have been.

This realization triggers deep introspection and reflection. They become introspective because there’s an authentic desire to learn, heal, and grow beyond who they’ve been. Often, there’s even a visceral sense of self-disgust and shame when they fully grasp how they’ve treated another human being.

The reflective process involves painfully examining all the times they behaved poorly toward someone. There’s a profound sense of regret and anguish about how they showed up in those moments.

When true change takes hold, a person becomes genuinely receptive to behaving differently. They stop insisting they know best and instead embrace humility, showing a willingness to learn and change various aspects of themselves.

I experienced this transformation firsthand during my marriage. Near its end, I had this breakthrough moment where I suddenly realized, “Oh my God, my behavior is making her unhappy. That hurts me. It hurts me to see her unhappy.”

What hurt even more was knowing I had caused that pain. For the first time, I truly took responsibility for my actions and developed real empathy for how my behavior affected her emotions.

That moment of enlightenment changed me forever. Developing that empathetic perspective made me humble and helped me truly understand how unhealthy my behavior had been. Looking back at how I’d treated her, I felt disgusted with myself.

The shame was overwhelming – that I could ever treat her that way. The pain and regret about my past behavior became deeply personal.

From that point on, I became truly receptive to her words. That realization helped me understand that her emotions mattered. I stopped claiming to know better. I began taking responsibility for what I didn’t know and accepted that my perceived “superior” knowledge was actually ignorance.

I learned to be more humble, more willing to learn, and more open to changing other aspects of myself.

Yes, I went through that entire process myself. My wife saw the change and recognized it, but by then, she had already fallen out of love with me. While it was too late for our marriage, it was actually the perfect catalyst for transforming who I was and how I showed up in relationships.

The change in my behavior came because I no longer wanted to control her – I just wanted to heal. That realization that I was unhealthy for her was genuine… that was true change.

When someone genuinely recognizes their mistreatment as unhealthy behavior, they typically have this moment where they step back and think, “Whoa! What am I doing? This is awful.” They’ll say things like, “I’m so sorry, I never want to hurt you like this again. I feel terrible. I need to look inward. I need to figure this out. I need help.”

These responses point to genuine, lasting change. But there’s also change for show – when someone’s merely pretending to change. Here’s how to recognize it:

The behavior stops abruptly, like flipping a switch, usually only in response to a threat of consequences – like you threatening to leave.

That’s not real change. If they simply say, “Oh my God, I’ll stop the behavior,” without any emotional connection, they’re likely just protecting themselves.

Their thinking is often, “What do I have to lose? If I have something to lose, I’ll change my behavior. But if I don’t, why bother?”

Their apologies lack an empathetic connection to your experience. They might say, “I’m sorry for what I did,” but not, “I realize my behavior was awful; I see that now. I’m so sorry I’ve been acting this way. I feel terrible.”

Even these responses can be faked, but when you combine all these elements, you can better gauge if the change is real – especially if you sense them stepping outside themselves.

When someone truly realizes their behavior was harmful, and they know they need to change for themselves, not just for you, it’s like they’re viewing themselves from the outside. They might internally say to themselves, “Wow, look at you. Look at what you’ve done. How could you do this? What kind of person are you?” That external perspective is crucial for healing.

But someone who claims to have simply turned a 180 and changed overnight needs to be tested. If their changes are true, they’ll pass the tests with no problem. But if they’re not, it’s good to know so that you can make decisions based on what you know instead of what you don’t. In other words, if they really haven’t changed and healed, it’s better to know sooner than later.

A simple test might be bringing something up that you know has triggered their bad behavior in the past. For example, if talking to your ex used to make them controlling and possessive, then they should be okay if you talk to your ex again.

If going out by yourself or with friends used to trigger them, then doing those things today should be fine for them. In fact, a healed former emotionally abusive person might say, “Have a great time! Tell so and so I said hi.”

Emotionally abusive people who change and heal support you being yourself.

When they’ve healed, they will accommodate you and try to provide whatever you need because they realize just how long they’ve been mistreating you. Your well-being becomes their priority because your happiness genuinely makes them happy.

That’s another sign of true change: your feeling better makes them happy.

If, however, reintroducing what used to trigger them makes their bad behaviors return, they were either biding time for you to get comfortable again (so they could go back to being controlling), or they have more to work to do on themselves.

Whether you choose to stay with someone who hurts you and has more work to do is up to you. You do not deserve to be mistreated. You deserve respect and kindness. If you don’t get it, you might have bigger decisions to make about the relationship.

Some emotionally abusive and controlling people may regress because as you regain your power, it can feel threatening to them.

If you become empowered and maintain accountability for their behavior (which healthy relationships should support), but they feel threatened by losing control over you, then their change wasn’t genuine at all.

Emotional Abuse Is A Roller Coaster

While actual roller coasters at amusement parks are meant to be thrilling and fun, emotional roller coasters are devastating and exhausting.

In the emotionally abusive relationship:

• There’s never any real closure
• There’s never lasting comfort
• There’s never true balance

In a relationship that feels like an edge-of-your-seat ride, you never reach a state of homeostasis where you feel relaxed, balanced, and comfortable. Instead, the constant ups and downs make for a relationship ride that no human being should ever have to endure.

Sure, you can develop tolerance to the challenges. You can build resilience. You can learn different ways of coping and surviving. But when you’re experiencing anxiety half the time, walking on eggshells the other half, with maybe a few peaceful days scattered in between… that bipolar nature of an emotionally abusive or manipulative relationship creates unbearable stress on your entire system.

It’s devastating to your psyche, your body, and your mind.

Even if you’re telling yourself, “I’m managing this relationship. I’m surviving it,” it’s important to recognize that it’s taking a serious toll on you.

If you’re in this kind of relationship, you need to focus on rebuilding yourself, as I talk about in The M.E.A.N. Workbook. Start working on your self-worth, confidence, self-trust, and your decision-making abilities. That means you need to rebuild yourself, whether from the ground up because you’re so exhausted from all the behaviors, or reconnecting with who you used to be.

Either way, focus on your own growth and self-improvement, not so much on the relationship. A relationship is the result of the two people that enter it. If they both work on themselves and bring the best version of themselves into it, the relationship will evolve naturally. Nothing needs to be forced. It will grow organically.

What does a healthy relationship look like? It’s one where both partners support each other’s individual growth and improvement. There’s mutual support, with each person saying, “I care about your happiness. I want you to be happy. Your joy brings me joy.”

I think that should create the foundation of every relationship.