When the partner of a cheater carries guilt, thinking their own behavior caused the cheating, the relationship can disintegrate even further, destroying the very foundation of what’s left.
The cheater works alone no matter what the partner has done. Accepting this means healing and moving on, whether the relationship survives the affair or not.
When someone cheats in a relationship, you’ll often hear people say “it takes two.” They mean that both partners contributed to the breakdown. And while there’s truth to the idea that relationships require two people to build and maintain them, there’s a critical distinction that needs to be made when it comes to infidelity:
It only takes one person to cheat.
This isn’t about taking sides or assigning blame in some simplistic way. It’s about understanding the fundamental concept that the person who steps outside the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship is making a conscious choice that has nothing to do with their partner’s participation.
Sure, both people might contribute to a relationship’s struggles, its communication breakdowns, its growing distance, but the decision to betray the foundational agreement? That’s a solo act.
The confusion around this concept causes real harm. People who’ve been cheated on often carry guilt, believing they’re partially responsible for their partner’s infidelity. They think that if “it takes two,” then they must have done something to drive their partner into someone else’s arms.
That’s not how it works. You cannot be at fault for someone else’s conscious choice to do something outside the commitment you both agreed to.
The Foundation of a Relationship is Supposed to Hold Everything Together
Every relationship has a foundation, a set of values and guidelines that both people agree to honor. For most romantic relationships, that foundation includes monogamy unless explicitly discussed otherwise.
This isn’t about judgment toward people in open relationships or other arrangements. Those relationships have different guidelines, different agreements. The key is that both people know what the rules are and consent to them.
When you enter a relationship with someone, you’re both making assumptions about how things will work. You assume your partner won’t betray your trust. You assume the guidelines will remain in place unless you both agree to change them.
This foundation is what allows a relationship to survive arguments and rough patches. Even when you’re fighting, even when things are difficult, there’s an underlying trust that both of you will stay within the boundaries.
That’s why infidelity hits so hard. It’s not just about the physical act or the emotional connection with someone else. It’s about the complete violation of that foundational trust. When someone cheats, they’re essentially saying the agreement doesn’t matter anymore, but they’re making that decision unilaterally. They’re rewriting the rules without consultation.
Think about it this way. Both of you might be unhappy in the relationship. Both of you might be struggling. One or both of you might even be thinking about whether there could be more, whether you’d be happier with someone else. Those thoughts aren’t the problem.
The problem starts when one person acts on those thoughts without first addressing the state of the relationship, without having the hard conversations, and without either working to fix things or ending things properly.
A Relationship Built by Two Can Be Destroyed by One
The person who cheats is making a conscious choice to go outside the established values of the relationship. They might justify it in their mind. They might tell themselves the relationship is terrible anyway, that they’re not getting what they need, that their partner drove them to it. But none of that changes the fact that they chose to violate the boundaries of the relationship rather than address the problems directly.
If you find yourself wanting to be with someone else, if you’re that unhappy, the honest path is to separate or break up, either temporarily or permanently. That way, both people are involved in creating new guidelines. Both people know where they stand. And nobody is operating under false pretenses.
When one person makes up the rules as they go, there’s not much of a relationship left. The foundation has crumbled. One person is standing on solid ground while the other is in freefall, not even knowing the ground has disappeared beneath them.
Some relationships do survive infidelity. Sometimes the betrayal becomes a catalyst for deeper honesty, and addressing problems that were festering beneath the surface. People can come out stronger, more connected, more willing to be vulnerable with each other.
But that doesn’t mean infidelity is a recommended path to growth. Why take that chance? Why inflict that kind of pain when there are other ways to address relationship problems?
The betrayal of infidelity can feel like what I might call, “emotional murder.” It’s as if someone reached into your chest, ripped out your heart, threw it on the floor, and had no regard for your feelings or emotions whatsoever. That’s the level of violation we’re talking about.
For more on healing from this kind of betrayal, you can explore my article on infidelity.
It Doesn’t Always “Take Two” to Contribute to a Relationship’s Failure
The phrase “it takes two” is meant to acknowledge that relationships are complex. Both people bring their own issues, their own communication styles, their own ways of handling conflict. Both people contribute to the emotional climate of the relationship. All of that is true.
But when someone uses “it takes two” in the context of cheating, they’re muddying the waters. They’re suggesting that the person who was cheated on bears some responsibility for the infidelity itself. That’s where the phrase becomes harmful.
Yes, it takes two to work on a relationship. It takes two to nurture it, strengthen it, communicate honestly, express needs, support each other, show compassion and empathy. All of those things require both people’s participation. But as I stated at the beginning of this article, it only takes one to cheat.
Even if both partners cheat, each of them, individually, made that choice. But they’re still individual choices. One person’s decision to cheat doesn’t cause the other person to cheat. Each person who steps outside the boundaries is acting alone in that moment.
This distinction matters because it affects how people heal from infidelity. If you’ve been cheated on and someone tells you “it takes two,” you might internalize the message that you’re partially to blame. You might spend years analyzing what you did wrong, how you could have prevented it, what you should have done differently. That’s a heavy burden to carry, and it’s based on a misunderstanding of responsibility.
The person who cheated made a conscious choice. They could have chosen differently. They could have said, “I’m really unhappy in this relationship and I need to either work on it or end it.” They could have been honest about their feelings, their needs, their struggles. Instead, they chose to act outside the agreement while maintaining the appearance of honoring it.
Is There a Path Forward After Infidelity?
Understanding that it only takes one to cheat doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be repaired. It doesn’t mean the person who cheated is irredeemable or that the relationship is automatically over. What it means is that responsibility needs to be placed where it belongs.
The person who cheated needs to own that choice completely. Not “I cheated because you weren’t giving me enough attention.” Not “I cheated because our relationship was already falling apart.” Just “I cheated. I made that choice. I violated your trust and the foundation of our relationship.”
From that place of full ownership, healing becomes possible. The person who was betrayed can start to release any guilt they’ve been carrying. They can stop trying to figure out what they did to cause the infidelity and start processing the actual betrayal.
Both people can then look at the relationship as a whole:
What wasn’t working?
What needs weren’t being met?
How did communication break down?
Those are questions that involve both people.
But the infidelity itself? That’s on the person who made that choice.
If you’re the one who cheated, honoring the foundation of the relationship going forward means being completely transparent about your choice and its consequences. It means not making excuses or spreading the blame around. It also means understanding that rebuilding trust will take time, and that your partner has every right to be hurt, angry, and suspicious.
If you’re the one who was cheated on, honoring yourself means not taking on guilt that isn’t yours. It means recognizing that while you may have contributed to relationship problems, you didn’t make your partner cheat. That was their choice, their action, and their violation of the agreement.
The relationship might survive. It might even become stronger. But that can only happen when both people are clear about what actually occurred and who is responsible for what.
Some people stay in relationships after infidelity and find a way forward. Others decide the betrayal is too much, that the foundation is too damaged to rebuild. Both responses are valid. What matters is that the person who was betrayed gets to make that choice from a place of clarity, not from a place of misplaced guilt.
The foundation of a relationship is meant to be unwavering. It’s what allows both people to feel safe, even during conflicts. When that foundation is honored, arguments can happen, disagreements can arise, and the relationship can still survive because both people trust that the core agreement remains intact.
When one person violates that foundation through infidelity, they’re acting alone. They’re making a decision for the relationship by doing something for themselves. And that’s the truth that needs to be understood, not softened or shared or diluted with phrases like “it takes two.”
It takes two to build a relationship. It takes two to maintain it, nurture it, and help it grow. But it only takes one to destroy the foundation through betrayal. And that distinction makes all the difference in how we understand responsibility, healing, and the path forward after infidelity occurs.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
