Hurt people hurt people, so we should have compassion when they hurt us, right?

You know the answer, and I know the answer. How does the person who is hurting you start to change and heal, though? 

I have a challenge for you, especially if you’re with someone who has been emotionally abusive or controlling and now claims they’re on the path to healing.

This challenge is tough because, deep down, you might want to believe they’re changing. You might not want to disrupt the peace or risk triggering their old reactions. Perhaps every conversation with them used to end in anger, and the last thing you want is to stir that pot again.

You might think, “I don’t want to bring up anything that might trigger or anger them because things seem to be going well now.” So, instead of rocking the boat, you stay silent, hoping the healing is genuine.

That’s the big question: Is the healing real?

To find out, you need to challenge them with what challenges them. This means confronting the very things they’ve historically handled in an abusive manner.

Emotionally abusive people have learned to cope with difficulties through unhealthy means. In their younger years, they, like all of us, found ways to survive challenges without knowing how to handle them properly. These survival tactics, if left unchecked, can morph into unhealthy coping mechanisms as adults.

This is true for everyone, whether you’re on the receiving end of abuse or the one exhibiting abusive behaviors. We all have coping mechanisms that guide us through tough times, and if those mechanisms are harmful or no longer beneficial, they can wreak havoc on relationships.

Take my own experience, for example. Growing up in an alcoholic household, I learned early on that staying quiet and avoiding confrontation was safest. This was a survival strategy. As I matured into my teenage years and beyond, entering adult relationships, I carried this strategy with me.

When my anger flared, justified or not, my response was to go silent. I would detach emotionally, leaving my partner in the dark, feeling isolated and alone. This behavior, rooted in a coping mechanism, became a form of emotional abuse because I wanted to control my partner and make her feel guilty for upsetting me.

Nearly all emotionally abusive behaviors stem from outdated, unhealthy coping strategies that were initially created under different circumstances for different reasons.

If you’re puzzled by how someone is treating you, thinking that they shouldn’t be acting that way, it’s probably because they’ve been acting that way for most of their life. This isn’t an excuse, but a reason. Of course, it doesn’t give them a free pass – if they were hurt as a child, it doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to hurt you now.

Compassion for someone’s past doesn’t mean you should accept their abusive behavior. You should never tolerate anyone’s hurtful actions, no matter their origin.

It’s undoubtedly tragic when children are abused. However, as adults, they have the chance to address these issues. Some choose to confront them, while others do not. Some choose to heal, and others choose to hurt.

Some people walk around with the belief that they’re the healthy ones and everyone else is toxic. They think others need enlightenment and healing. Many hurtful people never come to that realization themselves. They keep doing what they’ve always done because it’s all they know. They believe “this is how one is supposed to be,” expecting the world to conform to their ways. And when the world doesn’t bend to their desires, they blame everyone in it!

That’s the mindset of many abusive people: It’s the world’s fault. Not all of them, of course. Some are fully aware of their actions and still want the world to conform – it’s not always an unconscious thing.

I differentiate between the unconscious abuser and the conscious abuser (I use the term “abuser” for simplicity in writing, much like I use the term “victim” for brevity, but they are not meant to be labels).

The unconscious abuser relies on old coping mechanisms to navigate challenges in adult relationships. These mechanisms, developed during childhood, are carried into adulthood, just like I used the silent treatment to avoid confrontation for many years.

My way of giving the silent treatment involved not expressing what was truly on my mind, avoiding confrontation, and withholding love, affection, and attention. Ironically, if I had just laid everything on the table and talked about what was on my mind, I might have resolved so many issues, even if talking about them led to upset. But at least airing things out gives everyone a chance to move forward.

But I wasn’t like that. I hid that part of myself, convinced it was dangerous to reveal my true thoughts and feelings. For at least three decades, I showed up as this version of me until I realized the importance of speaking up.

That realization came from my last marriage. My then-wife said, “I want the real you because what I’m getting is this little boy.”

She was spot on! I was showing up as a scared little boy in our relationship, afraid to express myself because I feared her reaction, much like I feared my stepfather’s reaction in childhood. I didn’t want to confront it; I didn’t want to see what would happen if I spoke honestly. So, I carried the belief that silence was safer into my adult life, using it as my go-to response.

When she called me a little boy… wow. That was a game-changer. It woke me up to how much fear I was carrying around. Her words set me on my healing journey. That’s when I started learning about all emotionally abusive behaviors and the unhealthy coping mechanisms so many of us carry around – the very things that cause havoc in relationships.

You’re Not Perfect. And They’ll Make Sure You Commit That To Memory

The actions of someone who’s emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative, belittling, or intimidating usually come from longstanding coping methods that no longer serve them. Unfortunately, many such individuals have never recognized these harmful habits. It’s their “normal,” so they assume everyone else is flawed and not meeting their high standards. This leads to excessive judgment and control, sometimes in obvious ways, but often in subtle ones.

Like I mentioned about conscious vs. unconscious abusers, a conscious abuser knows they’re hurting you. They belittle, demean, and attack you on purpose.

An unconscious abuser might not fully realize the effects of their behavior. They’re using old coping strategies from childhood that they’ve never questioned or unlearned.

An overt abuser is out in the open with their aggression. You see it. You feel it. You recognize it quickly. They might shout, threaten, or degrade you without hiding it.

A covert abuser, on the other hand, operates beneath the surface—through manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, silent treatment, and an ongoing insistence that you’re the one at fault. This is far trickier to detect.

Covert abusers often leave you questioning yourself. You might think, “Am I really the problem here?” They’re skilled at making you believe that you are responsible for everything that’s going wrong. It’s a slow erosion of your confidence and self-esteem.

Overt abuse is often much clearer. You know something is wrong right away because it’s so direct. With covert abuse, victims sometimes say they almost wish their partner would yell at them or call them names because at least then they’d have something tangible to point to. They’d have proof of what’s happening.

Covert emotional manipulation can be so subtle that you feel uneasy without being able to explain why.

Of course, a person might display both covert and overt tendencies. It’s not always one or the other. However, most of the individuals I’ve encountered—both abusers and victims—struggle with covert patterns in some way. It’s important to recognize these signs and symptoms so you can better understand what you’re dealing with.

If you suspect you’re in an unhealthy dynamic, you often sense something is off long before you find concrete evidence. You might ignore that feeling at first, but it remains in the background, telling you something isn’t right. When someone repeatedly questions your decisions, belittles your instincts, or claims they know what’s best for you, it can wear down your self-trust.

That’s why it’s vital to remember who you were before the relationship. If you used to be more confident, happier, or more in touch with your own judgment, ask yourself why that’s changed. You deserve to be accepted as you are, not just what someone else wants you to be.

If they can’t accept you at your core, why do they choose to stay with you only to criticize or try to mold you into something else? They have every right to say, “I don’t like that behavior,” but a healthy person would add, “So let’s talk about it. Let’s see if we can meet in the middle.”

And if they can’t meet you there and can’t accept fundamental parts of who you are, then isn’t it best for everyone if they leave? I know that’s blunt, but consider how much pain is created when someone stays just to tear you down. That’s where abusive behavior thrives—when one partner believes they have the right to force or guilt the other into changing against their will.

Healthy relationships involve open, honest conversations. “I don’t like when you do X,” might be followed by, “Well, this is who I am.” If that’s true, then the other person has to decide if they can live with it.

Emotional abuse happens when this natural negotiation of differences turns into manipulation, name-calling, or intimidation.

Often, victims end up trying to accommodate an abuser who refuses to compromise. They keep bending over backward, hoping things will get better. The abuser, on the other hand, wields control through guilt, shame, or fear to maintain their own comfort. It’s a damaging cycle.

That’s also why coping mechanisms matter so much. If you feel unsafe showing who you really are, you might withdraw or shut down. The abuser, in turn, might get angrier, calling you names and belittling you, which only reinforces your desire to hide. It’s a constant escalation that never truly resolves anything.

Some people have asked me if real change is possible. For example, someone wrote in to share that they’d left an abusive partner who promised to “get help” but never really changed. They wondered, “If he’s always been like this, can he ever become a different person?” They described intense verbal attacks, name-calling, and financial abuse—truly toxic behavior. My heart goes out to those who share stories like this.

To that person who wrote: You might still care about them. You might hold onto the “good” side you once saw. But your priority now should be your well-being. It’s important to recognize how harmful and poisonous that environment was to your mental and emotional health.

Toxicity can warp your perspective, making you believe that relief or improvement is always around the corner. That “corner” might never arrive, and meanwhile, you’re stuck in a fog of confusion and harm. Once you leave, that fog typically takes a few months to clear. Once it does, you often realize just how much you were enduring.

So, can an abuser change? Possibly—if they are capable of empathy, acknowledge their harmful behaviors, and genuinely want to improve for their own growth (not just to win you back).

But that means self-initiated change. If it’s just to keep you from leaving, it’s usually not sustainable. True change involves deep introspection, often therapy, consistent effort, and acknowledging that their old way of coping was fundamentally flawed.

You’ll also know if they’ve changed by how they handle old triggers (as I said before, challenge them with what challenges them). For example, if they always used to explode when you mention talking to your ex, and now they say they’re “fine” with it, pay attention! Are they fine just once? Do they remain consistent in that “fine” state? Or do they revert once they think you’ve let down your guard? The key is repeated, calm, respectful behavior over time, not just a single moment of restraint.

And, of course, if you’re in physical danger or fear them becoming violent or aggressive in any way, please don’t push any triggers or “test” them. You have to pick your battles wisely, so make sure to prioritize your safety.

But if it’s purely emotional and they claim to be working on themselves, addressing these old issues head-on is one way to see if they’ve genuinely healed or if they’re just pretending until the pressure subsides.

Toxic People Are Poison to Your System

When you’re in a toxic environment, it saturates your mind, making it hard to think clearly. Once you step away, your thoughts gradually become your own again. That’s when you realize you deserve more than being someone’s emotional punching bag.

Ultimately, you need to reach a point where you know you’ll be okay with or without them. If they truly change, you’ll see it—it will be unmistakable. They’ll respond in such a different way that it’s almost like meeting a new person.

If they’re simply faking it, however, their old patterns will eventually resurface. That’s why it’s so important not to focus on whether they will or won’t change. Instead, focus on rebuilding yourself. You need to heal from the damage you’ve experienced, reclaim your identity, and grow stronger in your own sense of worth.

If they’ve truly transformed, they will prove it consistently over the long haul. You won’t have to wonder. You won’t have to guess. You’ll know because they will not be the same person.

For emotionally abusive people who do want to address their hurtful and controlling behaviors, they need to look inward to face their own pains and fears. They need to heal and change their coping mechanisms so they don’t take things out on the people they claim to love. When one heals an old, unresourceful coping strategy, they’ll find healthier ways to react to what life and people throw at them.

For the abuser, it can be an uphill battle to make these major changes. But it’s definitely possible when they have an authentic motivation to stop causing harm and start building deeper, more genuine relationships.

Victims, however, often have a lot more healing to do because so many parts of them have been bruised and broken. Rebuilding their self-esteem, trust, and emotional stability can take months or even years sometimes.

If you’re deciding what to do in a difficult relationship you’re in, remember it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being instead of wondering where on the healing journey they may be (or not). Your healing is the most important journey here. If they heal as well, that’s a bonus and can be considered when you take the next steps for your life.

If you ever decide to reconnect with someone who once hurt you, challenging them will quickly show if real change has taken place. If they’ve done the hard work and broken down those old coping mechanisms, they’ll handle uncomfortable topics with understanding and patience. If not, you’ll see the old behaviors return before long. And when they return, you’ll have all you need to know if they’ve truly changed.