Emotional abusers can make you feel crazy. They will convince you you’ve said things you didn’t say, they’ll remind you about conversations you’ve never had, and they may purposefully change things in your physical environment telling you they have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “I always put my keys right here!”
Someone with an agenda can alter your reality so much that you might actually go crazy. In this article, I talk about crazymaking, and also how to deal with the narcissistic ex when you have to share custody of the children.
There’s a specific kind of psychological manipulation that can leave you feeling like you’re losing your mind. You know something happened one way, but the other person insists it happened completely differently. You remember a conversation clearly, but they swear it never took place. You find yourself constantly second-guessing your own memory, your own perceptions, your own sanity.
This is crazy-making, and it’s one of the most insidious forms of emotional manipulation. The technical term is gaslighting, but whatever you call it, the result is the same: You end up in a state where you can’t trust yourself anymore. You lose confidence in your ability to perceive reality accurately. And worst of all, you often turn to the very person who’s causing this confusion for validation and support.
The pattern is that someone lies to you or distorts the truth, then convinces you that your memory is faulty. They might move something and then tell you it was always in that new spot. They might say something hurtful and later insist they never said it. They create these moments of confusion repeatedly until you start to doubt everything you think you know.
What makes this particularly damaging is that this behavior can create a dependency. When you can’t trust your own mind, you become reliant on others to tell you what’s real. And if the person doing the crazy-making is also the person you’re turning to for clarity, you’re trapped in a vicious cycle. They break you down, then offer you comfort, then break you down again. This keeps you attached to them even as they’re harming you.
If you weren’t experiencing this confusion and self-doubt before the relationship, there’s a very high likelihood that the relationship itself is the problem. You need to wake up to what’s happening. The person may or may not love you, but what they’re absolutely doing is manipulating your perception of reality. You have to start believing yourself again.
The Trap of Niceness Followed by Cruelty
One of the most confusing aspects of emotionally abusive relationships is the inconsistency. The person is nice to you for a few days. Interactions go smoothly. You feel hopeful about the future. You think maybe things are finally getting better, maybe co-parenting can work, maybe the relationship can be salvaged.
Then suddenly, they’re cold. Mean. Heartless. It’s like a brick gets thrown at your head. And the pattern repeats. Nice, then cruel. Nice, then cruel. This isn’t random. It’s a setup.
Think of it like a Venus flytrap. The plant has a nice landing pad and secretes sweet nectar that attracts flies. A fly lands, feeds on the nectar, and feels safe. Then the trap snaps shut. The niceness is the bait. It’s designed to soften you up, to get you to lower your guard, to make you vulnerable. Once you’re in that softened state, that’s when the attack comes.
The nicer and more accommodating you are during those good periods, the worse the bad periods often become. That’s because your kindness is being used against you. Your compassion, your generosity, your hope for a better relationship are all being exploited.
The person who wants to make you feel crazy knows that if they’re nice to you, you’ll open up. You’ll be less defensive. You’ll be more willing to engage. And that’s exactly when they can do the most damage.
You have to stop falling for the nectar. You have to see the pattern for what it is. This doesn’t mean becoming cruel yourself. It means protecting yourself by not getting emotionally invested in the ups and downs. The fantasy that they’re finally going to change and be consistently kind needs to end. If someone has shown you this pattern repeatedly, believe the pattern, not the occasional good day.
As long as you keep responding emotionally to their niceness, you’re giving them exactly what they want. You’re showing them that the tactic works. And if it works, they’ll keep doing it. The only way to break this cycle is to stop reacting. Stop hoping. Stop softening when they’re nice. Maintain your emotional boundaries regardless of whether they’re being kind or cruel on any given day.
I realize this may change the relationship dynamic considerably, but if you’re in a confused or “crazy-made” state all the time, the relationship dynamic has already changed, and you are trapped in something you didn’t see coming. So it’s vital you free yourself of this persistant confusion so you can start thinking more clearly.
Becoming the Emotionless Gray Rock
When you’re dealing with someone who’s emotionally manipulative, one of the most effective strategies is something called the gray rock technique. A gray rock is boring. Unremarkable. Most people wouldn’t look at a dull gray rock and think it’s special or want to collect it. It’s just there, uninteresting and unresponsive.
This is what you need to become in your interactions with a manipulative person. You become emotionally “flat”. You stick to facts only. You don’t share your feelings, your hopes, your fears, or anything that gives them emotional ammunition to use against you. In other words, you give them nothing to work with.
Let’s say you share custody with an ex, and they say something designed to get a reaction from you, like accusing you of putting your child in danger by taking them to a certain park.
A typical emotional response would be to defend yourself, to explain why the park is perfectly safe, and to get upset that they’re questioning your judgment. That’s exactly what they’re looking for.
Your emotional reaction and defensive posture is fuel to a crazy maker.
The gray rock response is different. You simply state the fact in a calm, monotone way. “I’ll be taking him to the park.” That’s it. No explanation. No defensiveness. No emotion. When they push harder, trying to provoke you, you just repeat the facts or simply don’t respond at all.
Manipulative people feed on emotional reactions.
They want to see that they’re affecting you.
They want the drama.
They want the power that comes from knowing they can make you upset.
And when you refuse to give them that reaction, you take away their reward. The behavior that used to work suddenly doesn’t work anymore.
Being a gray rock with an abusive ex you can’t completely cut out of your life can be especially helpful. That’s why it’s important to find a way to interact that doesn’t drain you or give them opportunities to manipulate you.
Stick to the facts.
Keep communications brief and unemotional.
Don’t share personal information about your life.
Don’t try to convince them of anything or defend yourself.
This also means being careful about who else you show emotion to. If the manipulative person has flying monkeys (people who defend them and do their bidding), you need to be careful around those people, too. They might report back everything you say and do. So maintain that gray rock demeanor with anyone who’s connected to the manipulative person.
The goal isn’t to become totally emotionless. You’re allowed to have feelings. You just don’t show those feelings to people who will use them against you. Save your emotional energy for yourself, for your children, for people who actually support you. Don’t waste it on someone who’s just looking for ways to hurt you.
Yes, Your Children Will Be Affected
When you’re co-parenting with someone who’s emotionally abusive, one of your biggest fears is probably what they’re doing and saying to your child during their parenting time. They probably have zero empathy for you, and everything is about them. So you worry that they’re badmouthing you, trying to turn your children against you, or treating them the way they treated you.
Here’s a hard truth: You can’t control what happens during their parenting time. If they have legal custody, they’re going to have time with your children. And yes, they might say terrible things about you. They might be neglectful or self-centered.
But children are smart. They’re brilliant, actually. They figure things out. What they need from you is to be the healthiest, most stable, most loving parent you can be. You can show up as a great role model for them. You can create a safe space where your child can be themselves fully. And don’t try to convince your child that the other parent is bad. Just be the best version of yourself.
When your child comes home and says things like “They (their mom or dad) said you did this” or “They said you don’t really love me,” don’t defend yourself by attacking the other parent. Instead, ask your child questions:
Do you think that’s true?
Have you ever seen me act that way?
Do you ever hear me talk badly about them?
Give your child the chance to think for themselves. Don’t answer the questions for them. Let them arrive at their own conclusions based on what they’ve actually experienced with you.
This is how you empower a child. This is how they develop critical thinking and the ability to see through manipulation.
The most important thing you can do with them is be consistent. Be loving. Be supportive. Be the parent who listens without judgment. When your child sees the difference between how they feel at your house versus the other parent’s house, they’ll figure it out. It might take time, but they’ll get there.
You also need to be careful about not showing how crazy you feel to the outside world. You may feel crazy, you may feel completely frustrated, angry, and confused. But if you show up to court or to your lawyer or to other people acting overly emotional and dramatic, you’re going to look like the unstable one. In the meantime, the person who made you feel crazy will show up calm, rational, and charming. They are sure to make you look like the problem.
So contain it. Be the most reasonable-sounding person in every interaction. Stick to facts. Don’t label the other person as a narcissist or emotionally abusive in legal settings because that can backfire. Just cite specific behaviors and evidence. Let the facts speak for themselves.
And document everything. Keep records of every interaction, every violation of custody agreements, every concerning incident. But present those facts calmly and rationally. You want to be seen as the stable, trustworthy parent. Not the angry, vengeful one.*
*This is not legal advice. Please seek an attorney for your legal questions and answers.
The bottom line is this. You can’t control another person. You can’t make them be a better parent or a better person. What you can control is yourself and how you show up, how you respond, and how you protect your own emotional well-being.
Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest. Your child will benefit most from having at least one parent who’s emotionally healthy and stable. Be that parent.
