The victim of abusive behavior will eventually reach their breaking point. In that moment, they finally feel like they can take their life back. But they may still not be out of the woods yet during the transition from victim to empowered.
In this article, I want to address a review I received about a recent episode of my podcast. The listener felt that episode rubbed them the wrong way, though they didn’t mention which episode specifically.
They shared that they’re in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and for years, they were always apologizing and begging for forgiveness. However, after going to therapy, they’ve started standing up for themselves and no longer grovel, apologize, or beg.
The listener now tells their partner when they’re wrong and points out when they need to change. They felt that my statement about victims never blaming the abuser was misleading and could lead to confusion. They emphasized that a victim can be assertive, know it’s not their fault, call out the abuser’s behavior, and still be the victim.
At some point, they realized it was the abuser’s responsibility to get help and change, and they stopped fawning. They stressed that it’s the abuser causing the relationship problems, not just normal disagreements, but the cycle of abuse.
I want to clarify this point because the listener is absolutely correct. There comes a time when the victim stops taking responsibility for the abuser’s behavior. (To keep things simple, going forward, I’ll use the terms “victim” and “abuser,” though I don’t mean to label anyone.)
The truth is victims should never take responsibility for the abuser’s actions. They need to reach a point where they understand that the problem lies with the abuser, not themselves. This realization is when they truly see what’s happening, allowing them to move forward, whether they stay in the relationship or leave. It’s the point where they start seeing the truth through their own eyes instead of through the lens of the person trying to control them.
When I say that victims don’t blame the abuser, I’m referring to situations where the victim is unsure if they’re the abuser or the other person.
When people write to me and ask the question, “How do I know if I’m the abuser?” I tell them, “If you’re taking responsibility for everything wrong in the relationship and you don’t blame your partner for just about anything, you’re likely not the abusive person.
Are you pointing the finger at yourself, believing you’re the problem?
Do you recognize when your partner is at fault?
The person who wrote to me knows their partner is the problem, which is why they’re now standing up for themselves.
In my experience, victims almost always take the blame initially. They believe the emotional abuser’s manipulations and think they must be doing something wrong, so they try to do better. The abuser wants the victim to keep focusing on themselves, allowing the abuser to get away with their behavior. It’s like shining a spotlight on the victim so the abuser can operate in the shadows.
This is why victims often blame themselves for everything going wrong in the relationship. But when they finally realize that their partner is trying to control and manipulate them, that’s the eye-opening moment. Everything usually changes after that.
The person who wrote to me is a perfect example of someone who figured it out. They went to therapy and learned they were being emotionally abused. This discovery gave them the power to stand up for themselves and point out when the abuse was happening. They were able to turn the spotlight back on the abuser.
It’s crucial for the victim to look at themselves, reflect on their behaviors, and possibly seek help to stop those behaviors and heal what needs healing within them.
The Shift From Victim to Empowered in the Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Let’s talk about a powerful idea: victims can be assertive. They can recognize it’s not their fault and call out abusive behavior. When this happens, they’ve reached a new understanding of their relationship struggles and can speak up with confidence, knowing they’re right.
You can still be a victim while standing up for yourself. Picture this: if someone burns your arm and you protect it with fireproof clothing, they’re still the bad guy if they try to burn you again. You’re still the victim, but now you have tools to protect yourself. But you know you need to guard against that person because they keep doing bad things.
At this point, you become what I might call an “empowered victim.” Honestly, I don’t love using the word “victim” because once you’re empowered, there should be a change. When you become an empowered victim, you’re choosing to stop being a victim (not that you chose to be a victim in the first place).
It’s a turning point. Yes, you still may have to face bad behaviors and deal with the person trying to be controlling or hurtful, but you have a new outlook and a new feeling inside.
You might still get triggered while trying to rebuild yourself as they keep trying to tear you down. But by realizing you’re the victim and shifting into becoming assertive, you’re taking a step in the right direction. The key is to keep moving forward, not just to free yourself from abuse but to show the other person you won’t play their game anymore.
Of course, this requires a disclaimer that this approach will not work for everyone. It’s important to choose your battles wisely. Sometimes, the emotionally abusive person is dangerous or aggressive. You might want to stand up and call out the abusive person, but that can be risky with certain people.
Before doing anything like that, you need to know yourself well enough to understand what you can handle and what you can’t. You also need to know what the other person might do so you don’t end up in a dangerous situation.
I realize there are some people reading this right now who will say, “Just leave! Just get out of the abusive situation. You don’t deserve it. They are jerks, and they’re not going to change.”
I completely understand and empathize with that perspective. And sometimes, that’s 100% true. And sometimes it isn’t. Some emotionally abusive people can and do change. But it requires a major transformation on their part. Anyone who tells you, “Just leave!” is looking out for you. They want you to be safe. So do I.
I also realize that every situation is different. Sometimes, you don’t have the means to leave. Sometimes, there’s emotionally abusive behavior and other times, everything is great. It’s up to you to determine if it’s too detrimental to stay in an abusive situation while you try to work things out. I’ve seen relationships improve after the victim stands up for themselves. But I’ve also seen things get much worse after they do.
Just know that, as part of this disclaimer, standing up for yourself may create more chaos or pain if they don’t like your shift into empowerment.
Victims often reach what I call a “threshold.” That’s when they figure everything out and tell the abusive person to stop or face consequences. This “or else” means different things to different people, but they mean it when they say it.
Usually, the threshold is when the victim has had enough and refuses to take any more. If the abuser doesn’t change, the victim may need to make the changes for both of them. This could mean setting consequences, leaving, or creating emotional or physical distance, at least for a while. This threshold is often the biggest wake-up call for the abuser. It’s a do-or-die moment – they better shape up, or what they want in life will fade away.
When you reach the point of being an empowered victim, try to see it as a stepping stone. You’re moving away from being a victim and toward being empowered. This shift sends a clear message to anyone trying to control or change you: their behavior will push you away. They’ll have no choice but to look at themselves and make changes. They need to stop using abusive behavior to get what they want and start supporting the people they care about.
The key to stopping emotional abuse is simple: let the person you say you love be themselves. Support their right to make their own choices.
If abusive people followed this concept, they’d stop pushing people they claim to love away. And if they really don’t like who you are when you’re being yourself, they should focus on themselves and figure out what they want in their life. Abuse is about control and trying to change someone into who you want them to be instead of letting them be who they are.
I often ask people who are emotionally abusive: why try to control or change someone you care about if it only pushes them away? If your actions drive people away, but you want to keep them close, where’s the logic in that? It just doesn’t make sense.
In my Healed Being program for emotionally abusive people who want to change, I often remind them that supporting someone to be themselves usually makes that person feel closer to you. Why? Because you’re showing them they matter and are lovable, no matter how they show up.
Emotional abuse is like telling someone they’re not good enough and unworthy of love. It’s incredibly painful. Surprisingly, almost every emotionally abusive person I’ve talked to – and I’ve spoken with thousands – actually loves the people they’re hurting. The problem is that their version of love is toxic. They love the person they’re hurting, but some don’t understand that many of their behaviors are not loving.
I know that might sound odd to you. How could someone not know they are hurtful and not loving? Those who’ve grown up without trauma, neglect, or other dysfunctional upbringings may never understand how someone might come out of that environment with some horrible relationship skills.
Most emotionally abusive people don’t want to be vulnerable. They don’t want their insecurities to show. They are afraid to reveal to others what they really think and feel. So they show up in the world with a false front, thinking that’s who they need to be to feel safe.
That’s what causes some people to be controlling and manipulative. They are trying to shape others into who they want them to be so they themselves don’t have to face their own fears and insecurities.
For example, if someone fears being alone, they might try to control their partner to prevent them from leaving. The irony is that they’re creating exactly what they fear: a self-fulfilling prophecy of ending up alone.
What abusers who fear being alone can’t seem to comprehend is hurting someone you care about will make that person want to leave. After all, no one wants to be in a controlling relationship.
Most people dislike being controlled or told how to live. Trying to control or change someone only makes them feel less connected, less loving, and more emotionally distant as they navigate the difficulties in the relationship.
Many emotionally abusive people are so scared of their insecurities coming out that they cause harm to prevent it. I know this doesn’t make sense to everyone reading this, but that’s what makes up a part of their illogical thinking and behavior.
Logic doesn’t play a role in emotional abuse. The hurtful controlling behaviors are usually their way of protecting themselves from harm, often because they fear exposing their deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities. This doesn’t excuse their actions, but this point might give you some insight.
To the person who wrote in, since you’re already comfortable standing up for yourself, here’s a question you could ask the person hurting you, “What are you so afraid of happening if this doesn’t go the way you want?” Meaning, since abuse often stems from insecurity, if the abuser is insecure, what are they afraid will happen if they choose not to control or hurt the person they claim to care about?
This question, or something similar, might lead to a deeper conversation. Or they might say, “I’m not afraid.” In that case, you could follow up with: “Then why are you acting this way? Why are you trying to control the outcome so fiercely?”
You could also ask: “What do you want to happen by acting this way? Why do you want that to happen?”
These questions could lead to a meaningful conversation, or they might go down a rabbit hole with no end in sight. It depends on their ability to listen, process, and want to improve the relationship by taking responsibility for their own behaviors, words, and contribution to the problems.
Let me repeat: Most emotionally abusive people have many insecurities and act out of fear.
This isn’t true for everyone – some abusive people are simply jerks. Some are selfish and lack empathy, just trying to get their needs met without caring who they hurt along the way. But in many cases, abusive people are afraid of an outcome they don’t want. They might fight to make their desired outcome happen, often treating the closest people in their life as obstacles instead of allies.
I hope this gives you something to think about and empowers you to move toward a better sense of self. In almost every abusive relationship, you can’t be yourself. I don’t want you to lose that – it’s still in there.
You deserve to be yourself. You deserve love, kindness, respect, and support for who you really are. Other people’s insecurities shouldn’t lessen that or decrease the love, support, kindness, and respect you receive. If they have issues, they need to work on them.
Never see yourself as less worthy just because someone can’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Thank you to the person who wrote in. Your feedback offered an important perspective, and I’m glad you brought it up. Stay strong and share this with others who might benefit.
