What if you’re doing all you can to maintain your own health and well-being, but you have someone in your life who is a consistent drain on your mental and emotional health?
Can you rebuild your energy, or do you have to accept that it may never stop, and you may have to make tougher choices about the relationship?
I receive many messages from people in very difficult situations, feeling trapped in relationships where they lack independence and feel powerless over their own lives, with limited options. It’s challenging to know what guidance to provide when someone feels completely stuck and unable to leave, even if desired.
The question becomes, what resources or advice can be offered to help take that next right step forward? In this blog and my two podcasts, I do my best to help guide you through those powerless places, even though there are sometimes seemingly impossible odds.
One person reached out to me and shared that they’ve been in an emotionally abusive marriage for two decades. They separated temporarily, and the spouse suddenly realized how poorly they had been treating their partner – something that frequently occurs. In fact, around 98% of the time, an emotionally abusive partner gains the capacity for change and empathy only at the point their victim reaches what I call their threshold – that final straw moment of saying “no more” to the mistreatment.
At that threshold point, the victim of emotional abuse may state, “You need to change, or I’m leaving,” or some other ultimatum. At one’s threshold, they will no longer expose themselves to hurtful behavior.
For some, it takes a while to get there. Others see the red flags early and refuse to tolerate it, ending the relationship before it progresses. When the victim has had enough and is ready to walk away, that’s often when the emotionally abusive partner, if they’re actually capable of change, finally “gets it” and wants to improve things. However, that’s because the victim reached their limit of what they’ll endure.
There’s a fine line between feeling powerless and empowered. Many abuse victims feel allowing more hurtful behavior means completely losing themselves – becoming a shell of their former selves from the inner disintegration that emotional abuse causes.
Your emotions get twisted, making you feel responsible, guilty, and just plain bad simply for being yourself.
Never allow yourself to be defined by a toxic person.
If someone convinces you you’re a bad person because of who you are, they aren’t the right person or partner to have in your life, at least not currently. Because when you can’t be your authentic self in a relationship, and only a “molded” version of you is allowed, you’ll slowly deteriorate within.
The person who wrote to me said that after 23 years of an emotionally abusive marriage and then a separation, their spouse finally realized how poorly they treated them. Then, after realizing just how awful they treated the person they were supposed to love and support, they apologized profusely.
However, the person who wrote said they’ve been through cycles before where their abusive partner lured them back to the relationship with promises of change. But those promises were always only words, not actions.
Real change shows through behaviors. Words are meaningless when they aren’t followed up with a change in behavior. Otherwise, they are just saying what the other person wants to hear.
I remember being that person myself, vowing to stop being so judgmental and critical toward my partner. And I meant what I was saying, too! But, I was talking like an addict swearing to quit but compelled to return to my old, unhealthy coping mechanisms of emotional abuse.
Meaningful change requires consistent new behaviors.
In my past relationships, I reverted to old, unhealthy coping mechanisms I learned a long time ago that I never unlearned or replaced. As a child, I coped by being silent, hiding, secluding myself, and shutting my mouth in response to the aggressive and sometimes violence at home. My stepfather was never physically violent with me, but his fits of rage terrified me, causing my siblings and I to hide until it was over.
This led me to become a covert, manipulative person lacking healthy ways to cope with life’s challenges. I was never taught about boundaries and how to treat others in relationships, with my only models being an aggressive, violent alcoholic and a people-pleasing, boundaryless mother.
I don’t criticize her for that, as that dynamic is often present in abusive relationships. There’s typically an aggressive/manipulative/controlling partner and the other one trying to appease them to avoid provoking aggression or manipulation.
They attempt everything to make it work, but it fails when the abusive person refuses to acknowledge their hurtful, abusive behavior, instead perceiving the other as the problem. Many abusive people won’t look inwardly, as that requires accepting they’re wrong about life, beliefs, and the frightening possibility of exposing themselves to a situation they can’t handle.
Abusive behavior often stems from unhealthy coping mechanisms that blind the person to any other way of being. For me, withdrawing, disconnecting, and making my partner feel guilty by withholding love/connection was my toxic default. Not handling challenges maturely kept me trapped in those dysfunctional patterns, the only way I knew to cope from childhood.
Letting go of those ingrained coping mechanisms exposes a vulnerability that feels incredibly scary for many. Some people consciously hurt and manipulate, fully aware of their actions yet continuing them. Those exist – the conscious manipulators and controllers who are quite dangerous, as they knowingly inflict pain without caring about the consequences.
While I’m not saying those conscious abusers cannot change, if they are aware yet haven’t changed already, there is less chance they will. The unconscious controllers and manipulators rely so heavily on those old, learned coping mechanisms that they dare not face challenges without resorting to them, which leads to emotionally abusive behavior.
My own coping tactic was the silent treatment, guilting my partner to eventually get my way – though it never worked, only making things worse. I was an emotionally abusive person across many relationships. It took numerous breakups and a divorce before I finally became conscious of my damaging behavior. When I did, I felt utterly disgusted with myself, sick to my stomach over how hurtful I had been.
I didn’t understand the impact until I truly knew. Sometimes, the abusive person suddenly realizes the pain they’ve inflicted on someone they’re supposed to love and support. They ask themselves why they didn’t stop sooner, realizing they ruined what could have been a great relationship.
Those are the ones who discover they were wrong all along. Others remain stuck in patterns of unconscious manipulation and control, relying on those childhood coping mechanisms because they haven’t learned healthier, effective ways to deal with challenges. They genuinely believe that’s how you’re supposed to act.
That’s why I always suggest asking directly: “Do you realize what you’re doing/saying is hurting me?” Not to make them realize it but for your own knowledge and understanding of whether they grasp the negative impact of their actions.
This is a perspective, an opinion on whether the emotionally abusive person knows they are causing hurt. Some believe, “Of course, they know they’re hurting me. How could they not know?” That sentiment is understandable.
However, the reason for not realizing the harmful impact was a belief of being right. No matter the partner’s reaction, like crying, the abusive person could not accept responsibility. The ignorance stemmed from thinking, “This is their fault. If they just did what I said, we’d both be happy.” This is very toxic thinking, yet common among emotionally abusive individuals who believe compliance from the other person is the solution.
It wasn’t until a marital separation that reflection occurred on what behaviors might be causing the partner’s declining passion for life and apparent depression. The thought of “Maybe it’s something I’m doing” prompted exploration. Questions like “If I’m doing something to make her lose her zest for life, what could that be?” led to attempting empathy.
The realization was a lack of considering the partner’s perspective before. Imagining being judged for eating habits, having love and connection withdrawn, and feeling guilty over normal human needs – that visualization allowed finally recognizing the emotional abuse. Asking, “How would I feel if treated that way?” and reflecting from the partner’s viewpoint was eye-opening after years of ignorance.
Practicing empathy and imagining my partner’s perspective hit hard – feeling unloved, unworthy, her pain and suffering. The realization of making someone feel so alone in a relationship meant to provide joy was sickening. That day marked the start of healing, as continuing that behavior was no longer possible.
For eight years, the harmful impact on my partner went unseen, ununderstood, and unbelieved. Only when we separated and the possibility of losing the relationship altogether arose did serious reflection begin.
When the emotionally abusive person genuinely changes, it becomes extremely noticeable. Upon reuniting, my partner pointed out the difference, finding it strange to see this new demeanor. This highlighted stumbling onto a path away from terrible coping mechanisms and abusive behaviors – the first step towards realizing massive change was needed.
My entire life operated based on challenges being coped with in unhealthy ways. When things went well, the bad side stayed hidden. But when difficulties arose, as happens in many abusive relationships, I relied on those dysfunctional childhood coping strategies ill-suited for adult relationships. Having never learned better ways to handle challenges, those coping mechanisms manifested as emotional abuse toward my partner.
This cycle tragically plays out for millions in relationships where one mistreats the other, leaving the victim confused over what they’re doing wrong as they try harder and harder to please the unpleasable partner. Some recognize the red flags and leave, having reached their threshold, but others remain tolerant of the bad behavior for far too long.
My mom tolerated it for 40 years. And it might have continued if he didn’t finally leave her. I never want you to be so tolerant of bad behavior that you continue to expose yourself to something you don’t deserve. You don’t deserve that behavior. And you shouldn’t have to try so hard to please someone who is unpleasable. Look at the results of your efforts – temporary happiness followed by more upset and constant criticism over mistakes. You should never have to fundamentally change who you are just to make someone else happy.
If you find yourself in that position, remember – don’t wear your power down so much that you have nothing left. Sometimes, you need to be pushed to the ledge where you’re practically falling off. But typical abusive behavior involves pushing you over the ledge, only to grab your arm right before you fall. This is actually a trauma bond.
They push you to the edge, the ledge, and you’re about to fall into fear and panic. Then they pull you back. This is reminiscent of a trauma bond – being pushed in one direction of hurt, pain, and suffering, then pulled back and shown love, making you feel worthy and important. It’s a push-and-pull cycle that confuses your heart and brain into thinking love can only come with abuse.
This is exactly why this article is called “Love and Abuse” – you are pushed away to suffer, then pulled in to feel love and connection. Those opposing forces get intertwined in your brain, making you think you can’t have one without the other. When the relationship ends, you long for that connection they showed after hurting you – it’s a rewiring of your brain.
A deprogramming needs to happen, which typically starts after full disconnection and separation when you’re no longer together or talking. At least the fog can start lifting between two to four months, but sometimes it takes longer. If you’ve been pushed and pulled so much, you may be stuck in this cycle.
It’s like hiccups – you have 10, 20, 30 hiccups and try everything to get rid of them. But with each hiccup, you expect the next one, your body preparing for it. You feel it coming, okay, that was the next step, and you wait for more. But then one doesn’t come, yet your mind and body still think the next hiccup is coming.
That’s the kind of push-and-pull cycle a trauma bond creates. You’ve suffered pain, and all you’re looking for is that love and connection. It becomes almost unconscious – you know it’s coming, you want it so bad. When you finally get some feeling of worthiness and being loved, you’re fulfilling that cycle.
I’m not blaming you for that – it’s just what happens. We fill this cycle by expecting and desiring the next step, not wanting to be in the bad part anymore. You don’t want the next “hiccup” of pain. You just want that relief of love. I’m not calling hiccups a trauma bond, but it feels somewhat similar to how I’ve experienced it.
Perhaps the hiccup analogy doesn’t fully resonate, but the core idea is that your life becomes defined by expecting the next step in an abusive cycle – whether good or bad. That expectation embeds itself deeply, making deprogramming difficult.
To deprogram, you must get away from the person perpetuating the trauma bond. Physically remove yourself from their behaviors. In that separation, you can reconnect with your true self, reground, and rediscover who you are outside of how they defined you over months or years. They reshaped your identity into someone you’re not – now is the time to find your authentic self again.
This is a process many have gone through before you, proving it can be done. If you’re unsure about leaving the relationship, communicate clearly that their actions are hurtful. Their response will guide your next steps. If they deny hurting you or try invalidating your feelings, reaffirm, “Yes, it does hurt me. I’m telling you it hurts, whether you believe it or not.”
Then, ask directly, “Now that you know you’re hurting me, will you stop?” If they refuse to stop, deflect, or blame you, absorb that they have no intention to change. As painful as it is to accept someone knowingly continuing to hurt you despite your pleas, their refusal to self-reflect and make an effort reveals where you stand with them.
For the person who mentioned being autistic with alexithymia, making it difficult to stay attuned to one’s own emotions and needs – this is compounded by years or decades of abuse, disconnecting you further from your inner self. Absolutely. There are ways to help victims in this situation reclaim their voice and sense of self-worth. The path involves…
This is indeed a difficult situation when someone struggles to connect with their own emotions. While I don’t have a specific answer for those conditions, there is an important consideration: if you are dealing with personal challenges, whether physical or mental health issues, anything additional must either support you or at least be neutral – not demanding, stressful, or invasive. Piling more challenges on top of existing ones may prevent you from properly healing and addressing your needs.
When facing difficulties, you need someone who can be neutral and allow you space to work through those challenges. At the very minimum, neutral support without adding stress is ideal. Even better is having someone supportive, loving, and helpful who can offer assistance as you navigate your personal journey. However, you don’t have to accept that help – simply stating, “These are my challenges to work through,” is perfectly valid.
A healthy relationship dynamic is when someone says, “I’m here if you need me,” without imposing undue demands or invading your headspace as you tend to your well-being. If you’re not currently in a relationship, do not introduce someone who cannot be supportive and loving, or at the very least, neutral about the situation you’re in.
Introducing an unsupportive person will only overwhelm you with additional stress, making it impossible to properly address your needs. Avoid relationships that make your life harder and cause you to neglect yourself – that’s a toxic situation that will only deteriorate further.
The goal is to find someone empathetic who can either give you space to heal by staying out of the way, offer support by saying, “I’m here to help if needed,” or go a step further by ensuring your comfort and exploring solutions together. But if you’re already with someone invasive who adds more stress and demands to your limited energy reserves, that is an unhealthy dynamic preventing you from focusing on yourself.
When you have limited energy reserves, using that precious fuel to maintain an unsupportive relationship or keep someone else happy becomes nearly impossible. This is undoubtedly a difficult situation with no easy solution. However, having an unsupportive person in your life who demands your energy without giving you the space you need will prevent you from healing properly.
I’m not advising you to end the relationship – that is a very personal choice. My role is to empower you with information to make the right decision for yourself. If you are giving away your limited energy to someone who can never be satisfied, no matter how much you do, then you won’t have enough left for your own needs. Being in that kind of draining situation is detrimental to your health.
Perhaps this perspective can shed light on where your energy is going, why you don’t feel improvement, and why addressing your own issues seems so challenging amidst all the other demands on you. You mentioned trying to recover while assessing if this relationship can continue despite already struggling to stay attuned to your emotions and needs. It’s extremely difficult with someone stressful, demanding, and invasive in your space.
While I don’t like labeling people, the truth is some individuals can act like parasites, draining you of vitality. When your limited energy pours into that void, it gets taken from your own healing journey. Realistically, it’s very hard to make progress when expending your reserves on something that never improves. You have to look at the results – has putting energy into this brought positive change? If not, it may be going in the wrong direction.
Sometimes, we need to pull back that energy for our own wellbeing. Healing yourself and dealing with personal matters becomes extremely challenging when all your energy funnels into a relationship that only makes greater demands on your system and spirit. When you feel that drained, it’s difficult to find the resources and energy needed to address your core issues.
The truth is, you’ll likely have the energy, knowledge, and capability to heal once the fog clears. But that fog may persist as long as you keep pouring your limited energy into the wrong place. Over time, this dynamic can weaken you further into a depleted state. Your energy needs to be directed inward first. Without someone to help renew and compound your energy through true support, love, and assistance, you may never have enough left for someone else.
When another person continually takes away the limited energy you need for yourself, the situation will remain difficult, though not impossible. A healthy partner should provide an abundance of energy so you both have enough. I wish you the strength and healing to overcome this.
