The endless monologue of some emotionally abusive people is a tactic that keeps you silent and submissive. It’s designed to wear you down until you finally give in.
When I recorded the episode for this article, it was the night before New Year’s Eve, so I mentioned how the new year is supposed to bring happiness, harmony, success, and prosperity.
We want it to bring those things, especially in our relationships. Unfortunately for many, most of the messages I get are from people who are experiencing quite the opposite. Their new year will be the same old stuff they’ve been dealing with year after year.
I received a message from a particular person who told me her partner drinks, criticizes her appearance and posture, makes jokes, demands more affection, and gets angry when she doesn’t do the “right” things.
She said he is even in The Healed Being Program, but is still lying and manipulating, and even refusing to discuss his past abusive ways, saying ‘it’s demoralizing’ to him and that he’s not that person anymore (even though it’s clear he is not applying what he’s learning).
Many people reading this right now relate to this because they’re going through something similar or have experienced comparable situations. This is what I want to address today, one specific behavior that happens in emotionally abusive relationships. It’s called the monologue.
The Monologue as a Control Tactic
The monologue is when a person talks at you and doesn’t give you a chance to speak. They keep talking and talking, and you’re sitting there as their captive audience. You can’t get a word in edgewise. You’re stuck listening to them go on and on about whatever they want to talk about, whether it’s how terrible you are, how you need to change, what you did wrong, or how everything is your fault.
This is a tactic used by emotionally abusive people to maintain their control over you. When they keep you in that captive state where you can’t speak, you can’t defend yourself, and you can’t share your perspective, they maintain all the power, and you become powerless.
I’ve witnessed this behavior in several relationships. I remember getting a recording from a woman in a very difficult relationship. Her husband was talking at her. He went on and on for what seemed like forever. She just sat there and said nothing. She told me her life was draining out of her. She felt exhausted and defeated. He didn’t ask her opinion and didn’t pause for her to respond. He just kept going.
When someone monologues at you, they’re not having a conversation with you. They’re simply talking, and you feel like you have no choice but to listen.
There’s a huge difference between talking with someone and lecturing someone. When you talk with someone, there’s an exchange. Both people get to share their thoughts and feelings. When someone monologues to you, it’s one-sided, and they want you to sit there and take it.
The monologuer doesn’t care about your perspective. They don’t want to hear what you have to say. They want you to listen to them and accept everything they say as truth. They want you to feel bad about yourself, to feel guilty, and to feel responsible for all the problems in the relationship.
The Two Breaking Points
When you’re stuck in a monologue, there are typically two breaking points that can happen. The first one is when you give in out of exhaustion. You just can’t take it anymore. You’re so tired of listening to them go on and on that you’ll agree to anything just to make it stop. You’ll say whatever they want to hear just to end the conversation.
This is exactly what the monologuer wants. They’ve worn you down to the point where you’ll comply with whatever they’re demanding. You’ve lost your power in that moment because you’re so drained that you can’t think clearly anymore. You just want peace, even if it means sacrificing your own needs, wants, and boundaries.
The second breaking point is when you’ve had enough, and you reach a point of defiance. You might stand up and say, “I’m done with this conversation. I’m walking away.” You refuse to continue being a captive audience to their monologue.
This is a healthier response, but it often comes with consequences in an emotionally abusive relationship. When you try to walk away, they might follow you around the house. They might talk at you through the door if you close it. They might open the door you shut because they don’t want to honor you having privacy or personal space. They just won’t give up and feel the need to keep putting words in your ears.
If you decide you’ve had enough and stop engaging completely, they might stonewall you. They might say, “Fine! If you don’t want to hear what I have to say, I guess I just won’t talk to you ever again.” They’ll want to do something to punish you for trying to assert yourself and maintain your power.
There’s no easy way out of the monologue that brings peace. There’s no balanced, healthy way out except those two breaking points I mentioned above (giving up and giving in, or getting up and walking away)
One possible “way out” might be suggesting, “I don’t want to continue this conversation if you don’t give me a moment to talk.”
Will they listen? Probably not. But it might be worth a shot because what’s the alternative?
The Emotional Toll of Suppression
When you suppress your thoughts and words and repress your emotions, you’re on your way to depression. It may not necessarily lead to depression, but it certainly leads to unhappiness, losing your zest, losing your passion for life, and eventually losing your self-worth, self-love, and feeling like you’re not good enough, you’re not lovable, or you’re not important.
All of this takes place inside of you, too. They don’t even have to say “you’re stupid”, “you’re not lovable,” or “you’re worthless.” They don’t have to say any of those words for you to start feeling that way. It just happens inside of you because of the environment and the conditioning that you are experiencing, because you are getting this daily, sometimes multiple times a day, drip feeding of abusive behavior.
The monologue is just one of the many behaviors that an emotionally abusive person can exhibit. Just talking at you, lecturing you, preaching at you. It keeps you focused on yourself and everything they say you are doing wrong or not doing right.
When someone wants you to focus on everything you are doing wrong, their intention is to keep you powerless
When they make you feel like everything is your fault, you never regain your power. Emotionally abusive people want to keep their power over you. And if you are focused on yourself and everything you are doing wrong or not doing right, they maintain their control over you.
Unfortunately, someone who maintains their control over you will never feel the need to change or heal.
Staying Empowered During Monologues
The most important thing you can do when someone is monologuing at you is to stay aware. Stay aware that the monologue is happening. Don’t get sucked into the content of what they’re saying. Don’t believe everything they’re saying is true. And don’t start taking responsibility for all the problems in the relationship like they want you to.
Stay curious instead of getting defensive.
When you get defensive, you’re playing into their game. You’re giving them exactly what they want. They want you to defend yourself so they can attack you more. They want you to try to explain yourself so they can twist your words and use them against you.
Instead, stay curious. Ask yourself, “Why are they saying this? What are they trying to accomplish? What do they really want from me?” One goal for being curious is to figure out what outcome they actually want (not to take responsibility, not to be accountable?)
When you stay curious, you maintain your power. You’re observing what’s happening, like standing outside yourself watching things unfold, instead of getting caught up in it.
The less you get sucked into someone’s monologue, where you are lambasted and disciplined like a parent talking down to you like you’re their child, the less power you lose.
The more you get drawn into their stories and start believing what they’re saying, especially that you’re somehow wrong and terrible, the more power you lose.
The more empowered you are, the better decisions you’ll make. It’s very difficult to make good, healthy decisions from a disempowered place. That’s why it’s important to keep as much of that power as you can and not get sucked into someone’s monologue that makes you feel bad, guilty, or responsible for all the problems in the relationship.
There are two people in a relationship, and both people need to communicate and listen to each other. When you have only one talker and one listener, that’s not relating. That’s not a balanced relationship.
A healthy relationship requires balanced communication where both individuals can express themselves freely. In a healthy conversation, both people get to talk. Each participant can share their thoughts and feelings. Together, they deserve to be heard and understood. There’s give and take. There’s mutual respect.
In a monologue, there’s none of that. It’s all one-sided.
One person talks, and the other person is forced to listen.
One person has all the power, and the other person has none.
One person gets to express themselves, and the other person is silenced.
If you’re experiencing this in your relationship, I want you to know that it’s not okay. You deserve to be heard. You have the right to have your thoughts and feelings valued. You deserve a relationship where communication is balanced, and both people are respected.
If you’re reading this now as the person doing the monologuing, I want you to know that this is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s hurtful. It’s damaging. It’s destroying your relationship and the person you claim to care about.
The good news is that you can change. You can learn to communicate in a healthier way. You can learn to listen as much as you talk. You can learn to value other people’s perspectives as much as your own. The Healed Being program can help you do that. It’s designed specifically for people who want to stop being emotionally abusive and start being the partner they want to be.
For everyone else reading this article, whether through monologues or any other tactic, remember that you are not alone, you are not going crazy, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Keep your awareness up. Stay curious. Maintain your power. Don’t let someone else’s monologue fill your head with untruths or damaging self-worth comments or anything that causes you to feel bad about yourself.
Remember: Someone who truly cares about you wants you to feel worthy and loved.
