How can you tell if your partner’s affection is genuine or a manipulation tactic? What if they apologize every time they hurt you… but they don’t stop hurting you?
Love bombing usually takes place at the beginning of a relationship to create a strong bond between an abusive person and their victim. But it can also be used to get away with bad behavior in long-term relationships as well.
I received an email from a woman experiencing this in her long-term relationship. She said it’s been going on for a while.
Usually, we see love bombing happening at the beginning of a relationship. That’s when someone showers you with compliments or gifts, highlighting all the wonderful qualities about you in order to gain your favor and make you more interested in them.
Who wouldn’t want to hear how wonderful we are from someone we are growing affectionate toward?
While love bombing is not always necessarily bad or unwelcome, it’s often used as a manipulation tool and is definitely something to be aware of, especially when starting a new relationship. Yes, getting an overwhelming amount of praise and presents or hearing all the nice things you want to hear is a red flag.
A person who’s emotionally abusive, controlling, or manipulative might use love bombing to draw you in, pulling you into a relationship that could be harmful.
How Can You Tell if it’s Love Bombing or Innocent Behavior?
You might spot emotionally abusive love bombing if it feels too good to be true. It will feel off – out of place. And it should feel that way because at the start of a relationship, why would there be so many compliments? Why would there be so many gifts?
You should wonder why they are trying to boost you up so much. You should be curious about the real reason it’s happening. You should ask yourself the question: “We’re still getting to know each other. Why are they being so overly gracious and complimentary?”
This is the time when you’re learning about each other at the beginning of the relationship. You should want to get to know each other over time, day after day. As nice as it might be to hear how great, attractive, or successful you are repeatedly, wouldn’t it make more sense for a more balanced approach to enjoying each other’s company as opposed to overly flattering you?
If I’m starting to date someone, I don’t need all these compliments. It’s nice to hear them once in a while. “Wow, I like your hands” or something like that. Small compliments like that can be ego-boosting and flattering, but love bombing is when they’re drowning you in kind words and actions. And it can become too much. That’s why they call it “bombing.” You’re getting bombarded with all these nice words, and it feels good.
That’s sometimes how someone can manipulate you – by making you feel so good that you might miss what’s really going on. That’s not the only reason they do it. They might do it to lower your guard and your filters. If I compliment you too much with words like “Oh, you’re so good-looking. I love your hair. You have such a wonderful personality. I love everything about you. I bought you this gift. Take it home and put it on your coffee table. I’m just drawn to everything you say,” Doesn’t all of that feel good? It would to me.
When there’s no real connection yet, words and actions like that can be a bit off – maybe really off – depending on if you’re just getting to know each other. It’s a trick some abusive people use to set you up, to make you feel good about yourself, because who doesn’t want to be around someone who makes them feel good? If someone’s always there trying to make you feel good about yourself, you will feel good, and you will want to be around them more and more.
An emotionally abusive person using love bombing can do this to create a sort of bubble of good feelings. You can get sucked into this bubble if you like feeling worthy, attractive, and desired. Maybe you never felt that way before. It can feel magical. But is it real?
Love bombing is a trick that makes you feel good about yourself and attributes that good feeling to the person doing it. That way, that person will become important to you.
But it often doesn’t last. It’s not something that keeps going.
When someone love bombs you, it doesn’t automatically indicate they are an abusive person. But it is definitely a yellow flag at a minimum and a red flag at most when it happens at the start of a relationship. When there’s too much flattery and maybe gift-giving (which is really called “gift-bombing,” but it’s still a version of love bombing), and it feels really good, you need to have your radar up and running so you don’t get lured into something hard to get out of.
When you’re just getting to know each other, and you aren’t necessarily that close yet but are seeing love bombing starting to happen, that’s when you really need to take a step back and ask yourself, “What’s going on here? What is happening right now? Is this normal? Is this appropriate for the amount of time we’ve known each other?”
So, what is normal new-relationship behavior?
How about real questions and comments that don’t involve endless compliments? Like, what do you do for fun? Where do you like to eat? What movies do you like? You share. They share. And then, if you enjoyed the day you spent together, saying, “Hey, I had a great time. I would like to see you again.” And you can say, “That sounds great. Let’s do it again,” if you enjoyed your day as well. Then you see each other on another day and feel you’ve gotten to know each other a little bit better.
When should love bombing start? Is there a time when it is healthy? Is any type of emotional “bombing” healthy?
In most cases, no. Most healthy relationships go through a slow growth process. I’m not saying getting to know each other fast can’t work, but fast connections are an approach used by manipulative people, so we need to be careful when things are progressing rapidly. As I stated earlier, love bombing at the start of a relationship is a red flag. That’s when you want to step back and assess what might really be happening.
Also, remind yourself that this type of behavior isn’t normal. Sure, they might be really into you, but what are they thinking with? In other words, is this a heart connection? Or perhaps all they are thinking about is sex. Or is this a tactic they are using to make sure you see them in a positive light even when they mistreat you later?
Maybe they are just so amazed by you that they’re shocked to have met someone like you. Are you really everything they’re saying about you? Maybe you do really feel that way about yourself. Why not!? And that could mean they’re right about everything they’re saying about you. But sometimes excessive flattery can be too much too soon. And ‘too much too soon’ is one of those warning signs.
Sometimes, relationships move fast. Someone meets, they have lunch, they’re attracted to each other, maybe they have sex very soon, and suddenly it’s a relationship. That’s fast to some people and not fast to others.
Who knows? A relationship like that can last for years or indefinitely. But, it is important to be aware of what can happen at the start of a relationship that isn’t normal.
That’s your qualifier – your internal check: “Is this normal?” Because if it’s not, if it doesn’t feel right, keep that radar on. Watch for exaggerated or excessive behaviors that don’t feel normal (even though it may feel good). Read about love bombing. Look up other people’s stories. Just get informed so you know what might be occurring if you’re not familiar.
The idea is to learn all you can so that you don’t get trapped in a situation that feels hard to get out of. When you get pulled into a relationship with someone using love bombing as a way to get you hooked on them, you might feel trapped because your heart is so invested.
When your heart is fully invested, and then one day they’re no longer nice to you, you might still stay in the relationship, thinking you aren’t good enough or worthy because of something you’re doing. The reality is probably that you’ve done nothing wrong at all, and they are just being themselves for the first time.
If you find yourself starting to take the blame for things you’re not doing wrong, but they make you feel like you’re responsible for the problems, it is probably the start of emotionally abusive behavior. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to satisfy them and make them happy if you’ve been trying to show up as the best version of yourself.
If there was lots of love at the beginning of the relationship but that went away, and now you feel it must be something you did to cause that, and you try to change and adapt to make things right, that could have been their plan all along.
When you feel like you are the reason they aren’t happy and you feel like it’s your job to fix things, that’s when you start getting deeper into the emotional abuse cycle. And you don’t want things to go there.
Why would someone bring you to this point, first showering you with gifts and love, then taking that away and seeing you as a problem? It’s their way of keeping you in a powerless state so they can control you. The emotional abuser wants you to believe you’re in the wrong so that you are more likely to do what they want you to do. Most people are more likely to be compliant with someone if they believe they’ve wronged that person.
Can Love Bombing Happen Late in a Relationship?
The woman who wrote to me said that the relationship has been going on for quite some time, but their partner love bombs them after they’ve done something they want forgiveness for.
She said it’s intense and emotionally draining. She said she doesn’t know how to handle it when they do it. She also said if she doesn’t reciprocate, she will get accused of being cold, or having put up a wall, or not recognizing that he’s trying. Then, as soon as she becomes open and vulnerable with him again, “Wham, he’s mad at me for something small, and I’m accused of not listening to his feelings, not understanding his point of view, and not caring about something important to him.”
She went on to say, “I was even told that I was acting toward him the way he acts toward me.”
That’s what I call “the turnaround game,” where they tell you that you’re doing to them what they’re actually doing to you, which, unfortunately, happens in many emotionally abusive relationships.
I talk about the turnaround game in this episode. Some people don’t want to have to take responsibility for their own behaviors so they turn the attention back onto you so that they are not in the spotlight and you are. When they do that, their goal is to keep you busy defending and explaining yourself so that they can get away with their bad behavior. The more time the spotlight is on you, the more likely you won’t get to what they did, never resolving the issue you have with them or their behavior.
You don’t want to get stuck in the turnaround game. When they try to put the attention back onto you so that they have to answer to what they’re accusing you of, sometimes you can make this simple comment, “I hear what you’re saying. And I will be happy to talk about that. Absolutely. If you feel that way about my words and behavior, let’s talk about it. But first, I want to talk about what you are doing to me. We can talk about what I’m doing to you next, but let’s address this first.”
They won’t like that idea because it means they’ll have to talk about their behaviors, which is something they’re trying to get away with. Their goal is to keep the focus on you so they don’t have to change anything they’re doing.
If the spotlight is on you, blaming you and making you explain yourself, then they can get away with almost anything.
If they have to be accountable for their behaviors and explain why they’re hurting you or making you feel bad, they may not be able to get away with what they’re doing. They may lose control of you.
If they can keep you in self-defense mode, they can get away with what they did. The reason that happens is because you won’t want to look like the bad guy, so you may spend as much time as it takes defending or explaining yourself to make sure they understand you meant no harm. You could have done nothing wrong but react to their initial bad behavior.
But since they want to keep their control over you, they’ll make you look at yourself, even making you feel wrong for essentially choosing not to accept their bad behavior!
Emotionally abusive people don’t want to take responsibility for the harm they caused. That’s why I like this comment you can make when they try to turn it around on you:
“What you just said about me, we can absolutely address. We can talk about it. If you feel like I’m doing those things to you, then we do need to address that. We’ll talk about that after we talk about what you just did to me. But let’s talk about this first.”
It will be hard to make a comment like that with some people because the last thing they want is to give you the reason why they want to control you. Keeping the focus on you makes their life easier.
When you ask them to explain or defend their bad behavior, but they turn it back on you, the original goal (asking them to explain their actions) gets lost. They’ll make sure you spend the majority of your time explaining or defending yourself to the point where talking to them anymore will be too exhausting. You’ll give up knowing you can’t win. They’ll make sure that no explanation you give for your behavior is good enough.
When the original reason for the conversation gets lost, they keep their power, and you lose yours. And this cycle repeats itself over and over throughout the relationship.
The original reason you start a conversation like this is to let the other person know how their behaviors were harmful in hopes they won’t do it again. When they turn it back around and make you explain yourself instead, remember to let them know you’d be happy to address your behaviors, too (even though it’s very likely they’re just trying to delay or avoid having to explain why they’re hurting you), but since you brought up their behaviors first, it’s their move – so to speak.
Again, they’ll likely try to avoid having to defend or explain themselves or find another way to turn it back on you, but it’s worth a shot to make sure a real conversation can happen instead of a deflection or blame-shifting.
Emotional abusers don’t want to have to answer for what they did, so they may deflect or turn it around by changing the subject or bringing something up that you did (even if it’s unrelated).
Back to this person’s email. She wants to know what to do about her partner’s love bombing. She’s in an established relationship, so this is a different situation as opposed to starting to date someone new. In this case, he love bombs her as part of his “apology” for hurting her.
Unfortunately, it’s emotionally draining her. And she’s not sure how to handle it. He even expects her to reciprocate after he’s “nice” to her. And if she doesn’t, she says he gets worse.
When I get asked questions like this, I often put myself in their shoes. I ask myself, “What would I do if this was happening to me?” The first thing that comes to mind if I were in her shoes is that, during the love bombing, I’d ask him, “Why are you doing this?”
Let’s say he replied, “I love you so much. I want you to know how special you are.”
The problem with that is that he might be playing the turnaround game with her. In her case, he did something hurtful to her, but instead of addressing what he did, taking responsibility for it, and changing his ways, he love bombs her, trying to put her attention on all the nice things he does.
Since he does this after every time he does something hurtful, it’s his way of being able to get away with his bad behavior. Instead of a true apology and making amends and committing (and following through on that commitment) to never doing that behavior again, he puts the spotlight on her.
The first problem with this is obviously his manipulation of trying to get her to pay attention only to his good behavior. The second problem is that if she doesn’t accept and even reciprocate in this case, she looks like the bad guy!
It’s a setup. She is being set up to fail. Unless she fully accepts his “good” behaviors and even reciprocates with her appreciation and return of good behavior, he calls her out as being ungrateful and hurtful.
It’s possible that he does feel bad for what he did to her prior to his love bombing and wants to make up for it, but apologizing or acting kind with strings attached isn’t a true apology or true kindness. That’s conditional. And in this case, it’s manipulation and wanting the other person to forget they hurt you in the first place.
Conditional love is not love. Conditional kindness that requires kindness in return and moving on from the hurt they caused is not kindness. Love and kindness do not come with strings attached.
To this woman, I might suggest telling her partner, “If you really love me, why do you expect something in return? Love is supposed to be one of those things we do for another person without expecting anything back. I show you love by giving you a gift and walking away, not expecting a thank you. That’s real love, isn’t it? It’s expecting nothing in return. It’s nice when you get that kind of love. But if it’s really love, and they show it to you for the purpose of getting it back, then it’s not really love.”
Caring and kindness are supposed to be selfless acts in a romantic relationship. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect kindness and caring back. It just means it shouldn’t be used to manipulate the situation so that you can get away with bad behavior.
He expects something in return, so it’s not really an apology at all. He gets upset when she doesn’t respond the way he believes she should. But he doesn’t make amends, and he doesn’t stop doing hurtful things to her. So there’s no real change after he “apologizes.” His definition of giving and love is skewed.
Because love should be selfless and without strings attached, again acting as if I’m in her shoes, I might also say to him, “When you give me a gift or show me love in this way, do you expect something in return? Because the way I see love is something you give freely, with no strings attached. The way you’re giving me gifts or love is with the expectation of getting something back. That’s not love to me.”
I wouldn’t say he was being manipulative to his face, but she could say she feels like the only reason he’s doing the “good” behavior is to get something in return. That means he does the good behavior so he can benefit, not her.
I realize it may not be an easy conversation to have. It could even go badly. He might say, “Fine, I just won’t do anything for you ever again.” That’s a form of stonewalling – when someone puts an end to a conversation, trying to make it your fault, like you’re being unreasonable and impossible to deal with. A threat like “Fine, I’ll never do that again if it makes you happy” comment implies that you’re the bad guy (again), with the intent to put you on the defensive again.
And if you retort with something like, “I didn’t mean it that way. I’m not saying you can’t give or show love ever again…,” then they have you where you want you: In the spotlight.
These kinds of emotional wrestling matches go nowhere. They just go round and round, and you end up walking away exhausted. Meanwhile, they think they got their point across, making you believe you have to change if you want to make things better. And if you don’t change, they think you’re the problem, further amplifying their original intent of keeping you on the defensive.
The emotional abuser doesn’t want to change. They have likely been this way for most of their life. For many emotionally abusive people, they believe their actions are perfectly reasonable. That’s why they will try to make you change. To make that happen, they’ll do what they can to set you up to fail.
They’ll make you look bad. They’ll set you up to be the bad guy. They’ll set you up to feel like you can’t do anything right. And even when you do something right, something down the road will counter that and wipe out all the good stuff.
The Rollercoaster of Bad Behavior Followed by Overly Ingratiating Behavior
They act badly, then shower you with love and kindness. Then they act badly again. And the cycle repeats over and over again. How do you deal with this?
I’ve already mentioned one thing you need to do: Tell them to stop doing the bad behavior. It’s a simple request. It very likely won’t stop, no matter what you say. But it’s important you don’t let the love bombing overshadow the original problem. That may be their intent, too – to make you focus on the ingratiating behaviors. That way, you are less inclined to bring up the bad ones.
When you tell them not to do the original bad behavior anymore, but they respond by saying they’re just trying to make up for that bad behavior, let them know how wonderful it would be if they also assure you that bad behavior won’t happen again.
I realize that probably won’t work with someone who doesn’t feel like they’re wrong in the first place. Some people know they can love bomb you after they do something bad, and everything will be back to “normal” again.
Love bombing is meant to make you forget the bad behavior.
If someone is critical about what you wear or eat, making you feel bad and even ruining your day, but the next day, they shower you with affection and kindness, that may not be systemic emotional abuse. A one-off like this can happen to the best, most “normal” relationships.
But what if someone does this to you repeatedly? What if every time they show you love and affection, it’s to make up for something hurtful they said or did?
Love bombing in the context of a long-term, established relationship is meant to distract you. It keeps you from remembering they did the original bad behavior before, maybe many times. And you end up focusing on the gift or love you’re getting instead of that original behavior.
And like the woman who wrote, you might end up believing you need to reciprocate, completing the toxic cycle of:
Bad behavior leads to love bombing, leads to overlooking the bad behavior, leads to the status quo, and leads to bad behavior again to repeat the process. It’s a never-ending toxic cycle.
Your partner is supposed to support you, care about you, and make you feel good about yourself. It’s nice when they try to make up for their wrongdoings, but they need to stop the original bad behaviors. Otherwise, making up with love, affection, and gifts really doesn’t count.
Making amends loses its effectiveness when it’s used as a free pass.
If I punch you in the arm, say I’m sorry, then punch your arm again, apologize again, then punch your arm and apologize to you a few more times, you’d tell me that “I’m sorry” is just an excuse to punch you! And you’d have every right to say that because you’d be right.
That’s why it’s important for you to address the original behaviors that led to the subsequent love bombing sooner rather than later. Their goal is to distract you from their bad behaviors so they don’t have to talk about them or take responsibility for them. But, as you know, if they are never discussed, they may never end.
Can the Abuser Heal and Change their Behavior?
This is something I’ve been through myself. I went through my own healing process and now have a program called Healed Being, where I help others change their emotionally abusive behavior, heal, and become their best selves.
Sometimes, my program helps people heal their relationships; other times, it reveals that the end was inevitable. When a relationship ends after healing begins, it’s often because each person, now thinking independently, gains clarity about what they truly want. This clarity may lead them to realize that they no longer wish to be in the relationship.
Of course, a victim of emotional abuse can reach a point where they close their heart permanently because they’ve experienced too much hurtful behavior for too long. When that happens, there’s usually no going back. When the victim says, “I’ve had enough, I’m done,” and seals their heart shut, it’s typically final.
And even when the person who was emotionally abusive finally heals, stops the behaviors, and realizes how terrible they’ve been all this time, it can be too late for the relationship if they are with a person they’ve pushed too far.
Believe it or not, there are many people who engage in hurtful behavior but don’t realize they’re doing it. As I stated before, they believe they’re right, so they keep acting the same way. However, some may reach a moment of clarity where they finally understand they’re actually hurting the person they care about and decide to change. This happened to me at the end of my marriage when my wife was ready to separate and divorce.
During that time, I asked myself what I might be doing to cause problems in our relationship. I wondered what specific behaviors of mine could be at fault. I even took it a step further and imagined how I would feel if I were on the receiving end of those behaviors.
This was my first real experience with empathy. And it hit me hard. I felt sick to my stomach after I imagined myself being criticized, put down, and made to feel small, unworthy, and unlovable. I tried on what it was like to be her, and all I could feel was that nothing I did was ever good enough. It was eye-opening to truly put myself in my partner’s shoes and feel what they might be feeling.
This moment of empathy changed everything for me. Right after that, I started my healing journey. But by that point, it was too late to save our relationship.
Looking back, I see that ending the marriage was for the best. We weren’t compatible. And she was a wonderful person who didn’t deserve how I treated her. None of my previous partners deserved the person I used to be.
Our marriage changed my life for the better. And I believe she got into a much better relationship that made her happy afterward. We both had to go through our healing process not for our well-being but to make sure neither of us ended up in that situation again.
My enlightening experience with empathy at the end of my marriage showed me that it is possible for an emotionally abusive person to change and heal. I’ve seen it happen many times with others I’ve worked with, too. In fact, about 98% of the people who join my program do heal.
The 2% who don’t usually fall into two categories:
- The first group can’t access empathy, no matter how hard they try. They struggle to connect emotionally, often due to something that happened in their past.
- The second group firmly believes they’re right and only goes through the motions of following the program but never really applying the lessons. They are only trying to appease their partner but have no intention of making any changes.
It’s important to note that many emotionally abusive people aren’t necessarily antisocial or narcissistic, although they could be. I’ve worked with individuals who fit those descriptions, and they simply couldn’t grasp the concept of change. The idea of learning that you’ve been wrong your whole life can be very daunting to some people. It might be too overwhelming for them to accept that as truth.
I had to come to this realization myself. For most of my life, I operated on a flawed belief system. I thought you had to be critical, judgmental, and controlling to be happy and to make a relationship work. Of course, this way of thinking is highly dysfunctional, toxic, and abusive. But I carried this belief with me for most of my life until I started healing. It stemmed from childhood survival mechanisms that became my coping strategies over the years.
When we bring childhood survival mechanisms into our adult lives as coping tools, we often end up with dysfunction and abuse. Some people refuse to let go of these beliefs because it’s too scary, and, again, they genuinely don’t think they’re wrong. They continue with their false ideas and beliefs, hurting others and themselves, staying in misery because they refuse to change their minds.
I remember a former partner of one of my listeners wrote to me, accusing me of being abusive. They claimed I was causing their wife to leave them and filling her head with nonsense. I addressed this subject in one of my episodes if you want to listen to it. They insisted they could see right through me, saying I was the one engaging in abusive behaviors and causing relationships to break up.
I responded by saying I’m willing to address any concerns they raise. My goal is simply to help people feel comfortable in their own skin and make decisions that work for them. I aim to help you understand what you want so that you can make decisions based on your wants.
I don’t tell anyone what they should want or how to think. I just describe what abuse looks like. Once I’ve done that, it’s up to the person reading or listening to me to decide whether to leave a relationship or work on it.
If you’re in an abusive situation, it’s your choice to say, “I’m going to stick it out. I’ll tell them I don’t want to be treated this way and see if things improve.”
And if you are the person engaging in emotionally abusive behavior, it’s your decision whether to continue being the way you are or work on changing and healing.
Your decisions are your choice. I don’t want you to do anything specific. I just want you to be happy. If you’re content being with someone who is controlling and manipulative, even if it only happens occasionally and you feel you can handle it, that’s your decision.
I don’t want anyone to be in an abusive situation, of course. And sometimes, the level of difficulty in a relationship might not seem like abuse to some people. It’s not for me to decide how much someone can or wants to tolerate unless it’s clearly severe. In those cases, I might suggest that the person should probably leave the situation if they can – or at least create an escape plan.
But for anyone reading this or hearing my show for the first time, I encourage you to listen to my other episodes as well to get the full picture of what I share and teach. My aim is to empower you to make your own decisions. Whether you want to leave or stay, I want you to be informed of what doing either entails.
I’ve made mistakes in my past relationships. If someone only knew me from who I was back then and decided to talk to my wife today (my current relationship), they might say, “He’s bad for you. You need to leave him because of who he’s been.”
But I’ve changed. I’ve healed. In fact, the thought of putting anyone through what I did in the past makes me sick. It’s a disgusting feeling to know I was that person.
If one of my exes who didn’t know about my healing called my wife today and said, “You’re in a dangerous situation,” my wife would respond, “I know who he was. I know what he did. He’s open about his past behaviors.”
Every time I tell her something from my past, she’s shocked. She asks, “That was you? You did that?” She tells me how hard it is to believe I ever did those things. It’s strange to her because she doesn’t recognize that person in me at all.
The old “me” makes me sick. And it’s not because I’m drowning in shame. I felt shame for years, but that phase is over now. Shame shouldn’t be something you hold on to forever; otherwise, you’ll never be fully present for those you love today. I’ve been through the guilt phase, too. I still feel bad for what I did in my past, but that old version of me feels like a stranger now. He’s just a distant memory.
What I’m trying to say is that many emotionally abusive people can and do heal. I see it all the time. When people join my program, read the lessons, and apply what I teach, it works. But people have to do what works for them. Some abusive people may never want to change or heal. And that’s unfortunate because they are missing out on a much more fulfilling life. Let alone they are also making life miserable for others.
Not all relationships can be saved, but people can and do change if they’re willing to question their lifelong beliefs. After most people complete the Healed Being program, they realize most of their past behavior was the opposite of how they should have acted.
In fact, most emotionally abusive behavior would come to a halt if the person engaging in it would simply do the opposite of what they normally do. If they criticize, they should compliment instead. If they judge, they should accept instead.
Do the opposite of what hurts the people you love.
That’s the solution to most emotionally abusive behavior! But, as you may know, many people don’t want to do it or don’t think they can. The reason for that is that they have a lifetime of learned behaviors and beliefs. And they may follow this path without question, staying on it even when they hurt people they say they care about.
Most emotional abusers don’t take responsibility for hurting others. But change is possible if they’re willing to face their past and make real changes in their behavior.
What Happens in a Relationship After the Emotional Abuser Heals?
When an abusive person changes, there are certain criteria that indicate if a relationship can heal and move forward. One key element is that the victim of the abuse hasn’t completely closed off their heart.
When the victim’s heart is still open, even just a little, there’s a chance the relationship can improve. One change the victim needs to look for is that they don’t recognize the abusive person anymore. The person they’ve known for maybe years is now a complete stranger to them.
This happens after the abuser heals because they really have changed. And it’s hard to recognize the person who used to react and be hurtful as not doing those things anymore.
The victim might think, “They usually insult me by now. They usually intimidate me at this point. But now they don’t do that. It’s so weird. I don’t recognize them.”
I’ve heard that last part over and over again: I don’t recognize them. Even at the end of my marriage, my wife said, “I don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s really strange.” And that was a good thing. For her not to recognize me during these changes I was making was huge. That’s what I wanted. I didn’t want to be seen as the old me.
To the person who is emotionally abusive but doesn’t think they are: You may not believe you’re being hurtful. You may believe your behaviors are justified. You probably don’t want to change for anyone or anything. And maybe you think reading this article will help you learn how to pretend to be healed. And maybe you think that doing the opposite behaviors is enough to fool someone into thinking you’ve changed.
I can see the old me reading this article and saying to myself, “All I have to do is make these little behavior changes, and then my partner won’t think I’m abusive anymore. They’ll be happy again, and I can still get my way.”
Here’s what I’ve learned and what I know to be true: when you pretend to be healed, it doesn’t last.
I’ve witnessed emotionally abusive people go through the motions, pretending to be healed but never getting the results they want. They think, “I made these changes, so why are they still unhappy?” That’s because pretending doesn’t stick. There’s no substance to it. It’s not real. And because it’s not real, it doesn’t last.
The person you’ve hurt knows when you’re pretending, too, because they’ve become hyper-aware of your behaviors. They know how to read your body language. They’ll notice if you blink a little slower than normal. They’ll spot you staring at them a little too long or a little too short. They know you well. And they are highly aware of all the verbal and non-verbal cues you’re giving off.
If you’ve been hurting someone for months or years, they know you better than you know yourself. I remember my now-wife once told me, “I always knew when my husband (her ex) was going to lash out at me. I could tell it was coming. I knew the behaviors. I knew the words. I knew the non-verbal cues. I knew everything. The tone in his voice.”
This is what happens. The victim of abusive behavior walks on eggshells for so long that they watch everything you say and do so they don’t mess up again by trusting their heart to someone who will hurt them again.
The person doing the emotional abuse who is claiming to heal is under high scrutiny all the time. I’m saying this because if you’re thinking, “Well, I’ll just pretend and do all this stuff Paul mentions in his article,” it won’t last. They know you too well. You’re not going to be able to get away with it for longer than maybe a few weeks, if that. They’re going to see through it eventually because you will become exhausted trying to be someone you aren’t.
And when you pretend, you’ll never hear, “Wow, you’re so different. I don’t even recognize you.” They won’t say that because most of you will still be the same. You might try to make these behavior changes, but it won’t work because the changes weren’t genuine. And they’ll feel it. It’ll feel off to them. They’ll sense something is different, like maybe a kind gesture you make, but they sense something else going on – like watching someone’s lips move but hearing no sound. It’s cognitive dissonance. And when you feel it, you know something’s not right.
That’s your gut instinct working for you. This is why it’s good to trust your intuition. Your gut feeling is often correct, especially when dealing with someone who has hurt you for a long time. Your instincts will guide you.
This is why it can feel like a mental disconnect when a person who has been emotionally abusive actually changes. They go through real healing, and suddenly, after being hurt by them for so long, the victim can’t make sense of why the abuser is not hurting them anymore. It’s strange and feels unreal.
When the person who used to be hurtful seems like a stranger, that’s when you know they’ve truly changed.
When someone who was emotionally abusive really changes and heals, and the person they hurt is open to giving the relationship another chance, the bond can often become stronger than ever. Both people are usually happier than before because the hurtful behavior is gone.
The challenge is whether the hurt person can trust their heart to the former abuser again.
Here’s my warning:
Even when the person who was abusive heals, they can still get triggered. They might still exhibit some leftover habits from their old self.
I went through this for years. Even after healing a lot of my issues (mostly stuff from childhood I brought into my adult relationships), I still had the occasional trigger come up.
What I teach people who do emotionally abusive behavior today is that when you get triggered, take a moment and reflect on it. And make your trigger your problem, not theirs. It is your job to deal with your trigger, not the other person’s.
That is the underlying and important concept of my favorite go-to mantra when I feel an old trigger coming on:
If you have a problem with someone, that’s your problem, not theirs.
The emotional abuser needs to make their problems with other people their own problems. They need to say the mantra above to remind them that their triggers are theirs and no one else’s, so they don’t push their upset onto anyone else.
People who get triggered and feel the need to control or change another person need to remember to bring their own issues with others back to themselves so they can work on what bothers them. Bringing an issue back means taking responsibility for it and figuring out why they get triggered in the first place.
That’s how the emotional abuser heals: They take responsibility for their emotional triggers. They don’t blame someone else for upsetting them. They take responsibility for being upset.
For example, I once felt a bit jealous early on in my current relationship. I thought I had let go of jealousy back in my twenties, but apparently, there was still some residue of it lingering around.
However, instead of acting on my jealousy and telling her she couldn’t talk to a certain guy, I looked inward at my own feelings and asked myself, “Why am I jealous? What am I afraid might happen?”
When you reflect and ask yourself questions, that’s when you start to dig deep into your own mind. You ask questions like, What am I scared of right now? Why do I feel so insecure about this?
That’s what I did. I started asking myself what I call stupid questions that lead to healing. I asked, “What if she leaves me for him? How would that be a problem?” I realized I’d be alone and feel betrayed if that happened.
Then I went even deeper: “What if I found out she was pregnant with his child?”
That sounds crazy and maybe even traumatic. But I ask questions like this to look at the worst possible outcome that could happen. And as I ask these questions, I start to loosen the grip that this old jealousy still has on me. And, as I dive into even more “stupid” questions (questions we don’t typically ask ourselves), I start to realize just how silly my jealousy, in this example, is.
When I asked myself about her carrying his baby, I remember thinking, “Really? She hasn’t seen this guy in 10 years! She’s just talking to him on the phone, and I’m jealous and thinking she might be pregnant with his child? It doesn’t make sense. It’s silly.”
I ask these questions to see where my emotions and thoughts take me. Then, when I answer them and come back to reality, I realize that what I feared isn’t happening at all. I was only fearing what might happen. And I made it all up in my mind.
After I reflected on my trigger, I made sure not to make my problem with the situation her problem. I didn’t say, “I don’t want you to see him again. I don’t want you to have lunch with him. I don’t want you to talk to him.” I didn’t say any of those things I might have said if I were younger.
Instead, I brought my reaction back to myself. I remembered my mantra: If I have a problem with her, it’s my problem, not hers.
This mantra changes everything for me. It changes everything for everyone, in fact. If you get triggered and push your pain or fears onto someone else, that can become hurtful. It can make things unhealthy and lead to bad feelings.
In my own experience, I used to project my insecurities onto my partner, especially when it came to jealousy. This always led to negative emotions. It created emotional distance between us.
In my past, I used to project my insecurities onto my partners repeatedly. And eventually, they all left. They didn’t want to be with someone who constantly tried to change them and make them feel as if nothing they did was ever good enough.
I never want to be that person again, which is why I always work on myself. Today, whenever a trigger arises (which is rare), I deal with it head-on. As a result, I’m now the most trigger-free I’ve ever been in my life.
It’s amazing how these triggers can still catch you off guard sometimes. You might find yourself wondering, “Where did that come from?” That’s when you need to reflect on it and try to process it so it doesn’t become an issue in the relationship.
Do you want to know what a healed, formerly emotionally abusive relationship looks like?
Here’s my answer:
When both people want to work on things together, and the person who was abusive has truly changed, there’s potential for healing. The person who experienced the abuse needs to start their own healing journey, reconnecting with themselves and rediscovering their identity that may have been lost in the relationship. If both people can give each other space to heal and the freedom to be themselves, you often end up with a much stronger relationship than before.
You’ve probably heard this many times – couples who have survived the worst and gone through terrible times often come out stronger. Of course, there are cases where it doesn’t work out. Sometimes, couples start to grow back together and heal, but the person who experienced the abuse still feels the effects of PTSD. They struggle to feel safe and trust the person who hurt them in the past.
In these cases, they might never fully reconnect because they’re afraid to open their heart to that possibility again. Since their partner represents that potential for hurt, they can’t fully trust or feel safe.
It’d be great if I could say all relationships can heal. But the truth is, it’s only feasible when both partners want it to work and the victim of hurtful behavior is willing to trust again.
When you have that formula, there’s a chance.
