Is there a path out of being stuck in the whirlwind of a toxic relationship? Maybe taking a step back and out of the situation a while will help you gain clarity and reconnect with yourself.
What happens when you never get away from the toxicity, though? Can you ever get a clear mind?
I got a message recently from someone who wants to take a break from their relationship because they’ve discovered their own emotionally abusive tendencies. And wow, how often do you hear that? It’s truly remarkable.
The person who wrote said that they’re both taking time to rediscover themselves and grow individually. They’ve never taken a break from a relationship before, and the thought terrifies them.
While they never understood the point of separating for a while, the person who wrote to me feels deeply compatible with their girlfriend – something they both agree on. This person wants to “fight for the relationship” because they believe there’s a healthy relationship possible on the other side.
They’re currently working on the terms of their break (not breakup) and asked about what constitutes a “healthy” break length. It’s amazing when someone can look at their relationship and recognize the need to work on themselves. We often get so enmeshed in each other’s stuff, getting triggered by each other’s triggers, sometimes even becoming traumatized by them. Taking a step back to figure yourself out might change everything.
The reason it might change everything is because when you take a break, it gives a chance for the fog to lift. When you’re away from someone who’s been difficult or toxic, it’s hard to find yourself because everything gets foggy in your brain and heart. You can’t access good thoughts, decision-making, or intuition.
You can also lose touch with your original feelings for the person so that fog needs to clear. And to do that, you need to distance yourself from its source. When you’re away long enough, the fog dissipates, allowing you to reconnect with yourself and access your true thoughts and feelings. With renewed clarity, you can connect with your heart and brain again, giving you a better grasp on what to do next.
This becomes especially challenging when you’ve been deep in an abusive cycle, spending years trying not to do or say the wrong thing. That’s when you’re constantly focused on what you should and shouldn’t do rather than feeling free to be yourself.
That’s what abusive relationships do: They strip away your freedom to be authentic. You’re always wondering and fearing what the other person will think, do, or say, feeling the constant weight of judgment and control.
It’s incredibly challenging to emerge from a long-term toxic relationship because so much of your inner self gets pushed aside, repressed, or diminished. While I hesitate to use the word “disintegrated,” there’s a real sense that parts of who you are have decreased significantly after being in an emotionally abusive situation for a long time.
When you start your journey of healing from emotionally abusive behavior, “YOU” are still there, but who you were has changed so profoundly that finding your way back to yourself feels almost impossible. You start questioning everything:
Is my ability to feel good being myself disappearing?
Can I even be myself anymore?
Who am I now?
Where did I go?
These questions emerge when you’ve spent years in this situation. And they’re perfectly normal questions to ask.
The good news is that you are still in there.
The challenging part (and I won’t call it “bad news”) is that you may need to rebuild parts of yourself. This rebuilding process actually serves as protection, making you less likely to tolerate abusive situations in the future.
However, some people skip this crucial rebuilding phase and find themselves in similar situations with new partners, facing the same behaviors and patterns. This often happens because they haven’t sufficiently strengthened their core self.
I know it sounds daunting – “I have to rebuild myself?” But if you’ve lost that inner strength, that person you were comfortable being before the relationship got bad, then rebuilding may mean you consciously decide who you want to be moving forward. And that’s actually a positive opportunity, even after losing pieces of yourself.
This rebuilding process involves establishing clear personal boundaries – declaring to the world what you will and won’t accept in your life. It’s not about being harsh; it’s about saying, “Don’t do that to me – it feels disrespectful, it makes me feel unloved, it feels like you don’t care.”
Your boundaries are about you reclaiming your right to set limits on behaviors, words and even looks that diminish you.
As you create personal boundaries, you strengthen your very foundation. This strengthening process also means rediscovering parts of yourself that may have gotten lost along the way. Maybe you used to love reading but stopped because you were constantly in “guard’s up” mode, carefully monitoring everything you said and did.
When you’re always on guard, always careful, the essential parts of who you are can fade away. But when you step away from a difficult situation and take a break, you begin the essential process of rediscovery and rebuilding.
The first crucial step is connecting with who you were before the relationship began. You have to ask yourself those fundamental questions:
Who was I?
Who do I want to become?
Who am I not going to be moving forward?
These reflections are vital whether your relationship continues or not and whether you choose to stay single or meet someone new.
During a break, you examine what you will and won’t tolerate in your life. And while we all have quirks that might be manageable – the little things we can live with – we need to be careful about what we choose to accept.
Never build resilience to behavior that’s harmful or makes you feel bad about yourself.
If someone’s presence in your life consistently diminishes your self-worth, they’re not fulfilling what it means to be loving. My definition of love, at its core, is to support another person’s happiness. When you feel bad about yourself because of your partner’s behavior, that’s not happiness – it’s not even close to the path toward happiness.
We’re naturally wired to seek comfort, safety, and satisfaction in our lives. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but we try to find people who align with our values and with whom we can genuinely connect. Whether we choose to be with someone or remain single, what matters is understanding ourselves – knowing what we want, what we’ll accept, and what truly matters to us.
The key question becomes: What matters to you, both in and out of a relationship?
This self-reflection helps you understand your core values and what you need to feel fulfilled, whether you’re with someone or on your own.
When reflecting on what matters to you, examine it from different angles – especially when it comes to arguments. Ask yourself:
Should disagreements always result in lingering resentment that carries over for days, weeks, months, or even years?
If that’s not what I want, what’s my solution then?
If avoiding resentment is a personal value, then finding a resolution for when you feel resentful becomes essential. Getting to that resolution requires both people to drop their righteousness and truly listen.
In my relationship, both my partner and I maintain this practice – even when we’re convinced we’re right, we still listen to each other’s points.
Step two comes when you hear something valid in their argument. That’s when you acknowledge it: “Good point,” or “That’s fair,” or “You’re right about that.”
It isn’t easy to do that in the moment as you’re in fight-or-flight mode, feeling vulnerable, wondering if they’ll attack you when you admit they’re right (or that you’re wrong). But it does take courage to be the first one to back down and acknowledge the other person’s valid points.
The fear is real: What’s going to happen next? Will they use my vulnerability against me?
But this vulnerability, this willingness to admit when the other person has a point, is exactly what can transform an argument from a battle into a conversation.
Being willing to listen and step back when your partner makes a valid point is fundamental to strengthening your relationship bond. During separation, this becomes one of many aspects to reflect on: What do you want arguments to look like? What do you want love to look like?
While there’s no universal “appropriate length of time” for taking a break from the relationship – it varies for everyone – what matters is how you use that time to reflect on your behavioral patterns, responses, and reactions. Think about the difficulties you faced in the relationship: what triggered those difficulties, how they evolved, and how (or if) they were resolved.
Take jealousy, for instance. If your partner talks to their ex – whether due to shared custody, friendship, or other circumstances – and you feel jealous, use this time apart to examine how you’ll handle that situation differently when you’re together again. What’s really driving that jealousy? If you trust your partner completely, why does fear still creep in?
Often, we say we trust our partner, yet we worry about their intentions. But with 100% trust, you’d know your partner would make the right choices regardless of outside influences.
Past experiences and insecurities about abandonment can certainly fuel jealousy. But during this separation, the person who wrote to me needs to ask themselves the hard questions like:
When these situations arise again, how will I react?
Will I resort to making their life miserable?
Will I give them that look?
Will I use the silent treatment like I’ve done so many times before?
Your patterns and triggers need to be examined because when you reunite, a similar situation will definitely happen again. The goal is to ensure your reactions and triggers don’t repeat themselves. You want to return to the relationship in a different state of mind than before you left.
Simply saying something like, “I’ll handle a difficulty when it comes up,” isn’t enough when dealing with issues like jealousy. You need to be prepared. When you use visualization, thinking about what triggered you in the past happening again, you can mentally rehearse these challenging situations before they occur.
I learned this the hard way in my younger years, when jealousy made me possessive and clingy, creating a bunch of dysfunctional behaviors. To overcome this, I had to dig deep into the root cause of my jealousy. Was it because I believed she would leave me for someone better?
What I discovered is that jealousy radiates through a relationship like a powerful force field. Your partner feels it, knows it, and hears it in everything you say. The insecurity becomes so overwhelming that they naturally want to distance themselves from it.
Looking back at my old relationship, I can see how my girlfriend gravitated toward people who were secure in themselves. When she talked to them, she felt at ease, trusted, and free from the weight of my insecurities.
Of course she’d prefer their company over mine sometimes. They offered her emotional safety that I couldn’t provide. I was actually creating the very situation I feared most. I was pushing her away with my jealousy and insecurity – pushing her to seek comfort around others because she felt discomfort around me.
This is how we often fulfill our own prophecies: Our fears drive away the very people we’re trying to hold onto because we haven’t addressed our own issues.
For those reading this now who are struggling with stopping their own emotionally abusive behaviors and want to try taking a break in your relationship, use the time apart to examine your triggers deeply.
And for those on the receiving end of emotional abuse, consider how you’ll respond when those triggers surface again. Will you set firm boundaries? Will you give them multiple chances? Will you simply let those times come and go while hoping things get better someday?
Be careful not to fall into a pattern where problematic behavior becomes normalized. It starts with one incident, then another, until it’s woven into the fabric of your relationship. This leads to emotional disconnection, where you begin repressing your authentic self to avoid triggering reactions. Gradually, you lose touch with who you really are, becoming a shell of your former self in an attempt to maintain peace.
The key to healing lies in understanding your triggers – those moments when you feel compelled to control, lie, or manipulate. Before reuniting with someone, you need to work through these triggers so you don’t fall back into old response patterns. Whether it’s jealousy, lingering anger from past arguments, or upset about who they are and what they like – all of these triggers need examination during your time alone.
Those working on stopping and healing their own emotionally abusive behaviors need to dig deeper into why they do the things they do when something or someone upsets them. If the emotional abuser blames the other person (“because they do this” or “because they think that”), then they will not be able to heal. They are missing the real source of the problem: Themselves.
To the emotional abuser: The truth lies within yourself. That means admitting to something much deeper and vulnerable. i.e., “I get this way because I’m afraid,” or, “I’m insecure,” or “I have unresolved trauma from my childhood.” Your triggers usually have little to do with your partner or others you care about and everything to do with your own past experiences.
During the break, you need to learn what your personal boundaries are: What you will and won’t accept in your life. Understanding personal boundaries is crucial as it helps you understand yourself and what you really want for your life.
But, again, to the emotional abuser: returning to a relationship without addressing your triggers and visualizing how you’ll handle challenging situations differently will very likely lead to the same problems you had before.
Stupid Questions
I had to work through my own insecurities, jealousy, and fears of abandonment and rejection when I was younger. One method I used was self-questioning. I used what I call “stupid questions that lead to healing.”
Examples:
Why am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I avoid telling the truth to prevent upsetting someone?
When they might leave me, why does that feel so threatening?
These questions might seem obvious or ridiculous. But, they are very revealing if you answer them seriously.
Why is it bad if they leave?
“I’ll feel sad and lonely.” Well, how is it bad to be sad? How is it bad to be lonely? Why is missing someone such a terrible thing?
I call that “drilling down.” When you drill down into these feelings and thoughts, you help to reveal where your triggers originate. This deep self-examination, though uncomfortable, is so important for genuine healing and change.
Every trigger points back to something within ourselves, regardless of whether we’re experiencing or inflicting hurt. When you feel triggered, it’s essential to look inward rather than focusing on the other person’s behavior. They may have sparked the reaction, but the root cause lies within you.
For those doing emotionally abusive behaviors, this internal examination is crucial. However, if you’re experiencing abuse, it’s different because you’re dealing with someone actively trying to seek power over you, trying to mold you into their ideal regardless of your feelings.
In these situations, you need to understand how they’re gaining and maintaining that power. When someone has power over you, ask yourself what they are doing to grow that power and how you respond to it.
This is how you build awareness. What I want you to avoid, however, is building a resilience to bad behavior. I don’t want bad behavior to become your new normal, where you gradually lose yourself in the process.
Taking a break from the relationship can be scary. But in the emotionally abusive relationship, it might be necessary for growth. The person who wrote expressing fear about taking a break should understand that when there’s genuine love present, and both people are committed to self-improvement, that love typically grows stronger during separation.
Supporting each other’s individual growth creates space for both people to evolve and heal. And when someone supports your journey of self-improvement, or when you support theirs, it strengthens the connection between you. This mutual support and individual growth can transform both people into better versions of themselves, which ultimately benefits the relationship.
When both people take responsibility for their growth during a break, they bring improved versions of themselves back to the relationship, which is a gift to each other. A separation can allow you to reconnect with yourself and rebuild those parts you may have lost along the way, especially when your partner supports this journey of self-discovery.
However, here’s the challenging part: returning to the relationship often reveals triggers you haven’t yet addressed. You might get back together and discover that the emotionally abusive behavior is still present, leading you to think nothing has changed.
The person who’s been working on healing their bad behaviors might return and make serious mistakes, causing you to doubt their progress entirely. But more often than not, these setbacks occur because they’re still uncovering triggers within themselves.
The key indicator of real progress is that these incidents become less frequent over time. You’ll recognize positive change when the person no longer uses their familiar harmful phrases, doesn’t react in their old ways, and stops giving you “the look” you’ve come to know so well.
When someone is genuinely healing, they show up differently. They feel like a completely different person because they’re no longer operating from their old patterns. This transformation isn’t just about eliminating harmful behaviors; it’s about becoming more authentic and present in the relationship. And yes, that change feels incredibly good.
This transformation process can be frightening for those watching it unfold. They might see positive changes and think, “I really like this, but is it real?” It’s natural to maintain reservations and hold back from feeling completely comfortable.
The journey to trust that emotionally abusive behavior has truly subsided can sometimes take six months and even up to a year. But don’t let that length of time scare you. What matters is the consistent forward momentum.
Progress reveals itself in subtle ways:
- a lingering glance that shows real attention
- an unexpected kind comment
- a supportive response to talking with an ex instead of the usual jealousy or pouting.
These unusual responses stand out precisely because they’re different from the old patterns. And you can distinguish genuine change from mere acting. Some people will go through the motions of change, announcing, “Look at me, I’m changing!” but it doesn’t last because they’re only mimicking new behaviors without integrating the deeper healing work.
They might want to maintain control or power, finding genuine vulnerability too threatening. Or perhaps they simply don’t care enough to do the difficult internal work.
But in a situation where someone doing emotionally abusive behavior genuinely wants to change and heal, they’re more likely to reflect on their behaviors and take the necessary steps toward real change. In cases like that, they’re not just performing new behaviors; they’re committed to the vulnerable process of true transformation.
There’s no doubt that some emotionally abusive people will act like they’re changing. But those who read material like this and believe they can just act as if they are working on themselves when they really aren’t will soon be exposed. The main reason for that is because they’ll get triggered by the same old stuff as before. And that will reveal their true nature.
An unhealed emotional abuser may say something like, “Can’t you see I’m healing? Why are you still upset with me?” These statements expose a clear lack of genuine transformation because true healing manifests as humility and vulnerability.
When someone genuinely recognizes their emotionally abusive behavior and commits to change, they tend to carry the weight of their past actions indefinitely. The shame and guilt they feel about hurting someone they love runs deep. They would never demand recognition for their healing or question why their partner isn’t “over it” yet – that’s not humility. That’s defensiveness.
Some people approach healing programs simply looking for a formula to prove they’re changing so their partner won’t leave. This superficial approach becomes obvious quickly. If you find yourself questioning whether someone is truly healing, they probably aren’t – unless you’re struggling with your own anger and inability to trust them due to past hurt.
The fundamental question many ask is, “If you loved me, why did you hurt me?” The answer reveals a disturbing truth about emotional abusers: they genuinely believe you’re hurting yourself by not following their rules and standards. They position themselves as knowing the “right” way to act and believe they’re justified in controlling your behavior.
But when someone sets rules you must follow and punishes you for non-compliance, that’s not a relationship – it’s control. They’re not interested in connection or growth; they’re interested in power and compliance.
In these controlling relationships, when you’re hurting or crying, they’ll blame you for not following their rules. The twisted logic becomes: “If you’d just do what I want, you wouldn’t be hurt.” This is how they slowly disintegrate you from the inside out – by separating you from your authentic self.
How Long Should We Take a Break?
The length of time needed to take a break varies. What matters is reaching a place where you feel genuinely comfortable and have processed your triggers (if you’re doing emotionally abusive behavior) and how you will respond in the future (if you are the victim of emotional abuse).
Both need to visualize different scenarios and understand how they’ll respond differently. When the abuser’s partner talks to their ex, how will that feel to them? What will they do about it? And how can they show support and love instead of control and manipulation?
And when the victim of emotional abuse experiences the old, abusive or dysfunctional behavior, how will they respond? Will they tolerate it or will they say enough is enough and leave?
The right amount of time it takes for both to reach a new level inside themselves is however long it takes to feel confident that they can show up differently in the relationship. This might be a few weeks, a couple of months, or longer.
The key to healing is having enough time and distance from what affected you for the fog to lift completely. Only then can you start reconnecting with yourself and rebuilding who you are or want to be.
To the person who wrote to me: Don’t fear taking time apart – it might actually be your best chance at preserving the relationship.
When you’re together continuously, and there are abusive behaviors going on, that fog may never lift.
While it’s scary to separate, working on yourselves individually makes you more likely to succeed together.
The fog needs time and space to lift so that both people can reconnect with themselves and grow as individuals. It’s then when both can bring the best version of themselves back into the relationship. That’s if they want to go back. No doubt, there are victims of emotional abuse who have had enough and want to leave. When that happens, when their heart is closed, and they no longer want to be with the person who has hurt them for so long, there’s usually no going back.
Finally, to the person who wrote, instead of saying, “I’m going to fight for this relationship,” shift your language to “I’m going to fight to be the best version of myself no matter who I’m with.”
This fundamental change in perspective means you’ll never again be someone who does hurtful things or allows that kind of behavior into your relationships again, regardless of this particular relationship’s outcome.
When you commit to being your best self through reflection, healing, humility, and vulnerability, you’re choosing to be that best version of yourself. That’s how trust and bonds are strengthened.
Relationships require hard, honest conversations, even if there’s a risk of it ending. Why? Because honesty is vulnerability. And being vulnerable with someone shows that you trust them. It’s authentic. And authenticity can be challenging, but it creates the potential for an incredibly strong bond that can withstand almost anything because it’s built on complete truth.
During a relationship break, focus on personal growth rather than “fighting” for the relationship itself. If you discover the relationship can’t survive – perhaps because the fog lifts and your partner realizes their love is gone – fighting for the relationship alone will leave you feeling defeated and might derail your personal growth.
Fighting for the relationship can serve as motivation, but it shouldn’t be the reason for your improvement. Always focus on improving yourself so that you can bring the best “you” into any situation or relationship.
When both partners bring their best selves to a relationship, they’re naturally fighting for it through their actions and growth. This creates something far more powerful than trying to save a relationship.
