The healed former emotional abuser looks a lot different than the person they used to be.
If you’ve ever accepted a hurtful person back into your life after they said they’ve changed but noticed after a short while that their old behaviors are creeping back in, you might have missed an important clue that they haven’t changed at all.
In this article, I want to share something important with you. I care about what happens to you and want you to understand the dynamic I’m about to describe.
Imagine there’s someone in your life who’s emotionally abusive, hurtful, controlling, and manipulative. They say they’re going to change and work on themselves. You might believe them or at least hope it’s true, so you’re willing to give the relationship another chance because you’ve invested so much emotional energy and time into it.
You really want it to work because of your investment. Maybe you know each other well, and there are (or used to be) good things about the relationship. You’re invested and want to have what you used to have back again.
Sometimes, we think we had it great with someone, and perhaps there were many good times. Maybe at the start, there were lots of good times, and you just want those back.
But here’s what I want to talk about: when abusive or hurtful behavior shows up in the relationship, it doesn’t ever go back to the good times.
After abuse starts, you no longer feel safe or confident that everything’s great and the bad behaviors aren’t just a one-off thing that happens now and then. The behaviors from that point on are usually consistent. The difficulties you start to experience don’t end.
That’s what emotional abuse is. It’s the consistent, daily drip-feeding of hurtful, belittling, or intimidating behaviors that have a big effect on your heart and mind. Each interaction slowly breaks you down from the inside out. I apologize for that image – I know it’s not pretty. But that’s how it feels. You feel it eating away at you.
Sometimes, you don’t know what to do or say. Many victims of emotional abuse blame themselves. They think, “There must be something I’m doing. I must be doing it wrong. Maybe they’re right about me. Maybe I’m the abusive one. They keep saying these things about me. Maybe it’s true because they seem so smart and logical. What they’re saying about me seems to make sense.”
But those words are not often true at all. I know this because when victims of emotional abuse tell me, “I’m really trying. I’m trying to do everything they want. And no matter what I do, it’s not good enough,” there’s usually someone else in their life pointing the finger at them saying, “You’re wrong. You’re bad. You’re irresponsible. You’re the problem in the relationship. And I can do no wrong.”
I’ll give you one guess who’s who. I guarantee it’s not the victim of emotionally abusive behavior saying those things. Victims don’t talk like that. Someone who’s being hurt doesn’t use that kind of language. They usually say, “I’ll try harder. I’ll try to do what they want me to do. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s not good enough. I’m trying. And no matter what I do, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough for them.”
So, what can an emotional abuse victim do? They’re confused. And they often want things to work out, but no matter what they do, it never seems to be good enough. That’s the victim’s point of view.
On the other hand, the person doing the hurtful behavior, especially when it’s emotional abuse, is pointing the finger at the victim. They believe they themselves are right and that they can do no wrong.
They point the finger at the other person and say, “You fix yourself. You need to fix the relationship. You need to work on this. I’m not doing anything wrong.” They might not use those exact words, but that’s their mindset and often their approach: It’s not me. It’s you.
If you’re struggling to figure out who’s the abusive one in your relationship, there’s a key difference to look for:
One person genuinely wants to make things work. They’re willing to adapt, change, and do whatever it takes to improve the relationship.
The other person, however, insists they don’t need to change. They claim there’s nothing wrong with them and that you are the entire problem.
I want to be clear about this because many people have asked me, “Am I the abusive one? Am I doing everything wrong?” They wonder if maybe it is their fault because their partner says certain things that seem true.
But here’s the truth: if someone is constantly pointing the finger at you, saying you’re the problem, then they are actually the problem.
These people aren’t interested in a balanced relationship. Instead, they want power over you. And they maintain this power by keeping the spotlight on you – judging you, pointing out your flaws, and telling you that you’re never good enough.
If someone is constantly telling you these things, you’re the one being mistreated.
I don’t like using the word “victim” because it implies powerlessness. That’s not what I want for you. I want you to feel strong and capable. I want you to know that you have the inner strength to stand up for yourself. This doesn’t mean you should fight back or start huge arguments, especially in dangerous situations. You need to be careful and choose your battles wisely.
Your Breaking Point
There comes a point where you can only take so much before you’re emotionally damaged. It’s not like a give up point (although some people do give up and give in). It’s more a point where you’ve had enough. I call this your “threshold.” When you reach your threshold, something amazing happens – you become empowered. You feel a strength that maybe you haven’t felt in a long time, or perhaps ever.
This strength has always been inside you, but you may not have felt it before. When it surfaces at the peak of your threshold, you’ll find you’re not willing to take the abuse anymore. You’ll be able to say, “This needs to stop, or I’m leaving.”
You won’t need to prepare a speech; the words will come naturally because you’ve truly had enough. This is the ultimate form of self-protection, self-love, self-respect, and self-care. When you reach this point, the person behaving abusively might suddenly promise to change.
Their promise to change often happens when you reach your breaking point. When the abusive person realizes they’re about to lose someone they claim to love, which they don’t want to happen, they suddenly have an epiphany of sorts. Or, more like an “oh shit” moment.
During this shock to their system, they might beg, plead, or promise to change if you just give them a few weeks or months. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don’t. They might just be saying what you want to hear to keep you from leaving. If they are only placating you, telling you what you want to hear, it’s because they still believe they’re right, but they want to keep you in their life.
I’m not saying this applies to every emotionally abusive person. Some of them might finally realize and accept that they are the problem when they see how serious you are. Imagine if they suddenly understood and finally empathized? This sort of enlightenment might look something like this:
“Oh my God, I now realize I’m the problem. I’m causing all this pain, confusion, and sadness. I’m the reason you’re losing your passion and zest for life. I feel terrible!”
If they have this sort of realization, it can be a real turning point in their life and maybe the relationship. It’s at this point where real change can sometimes happen in a matter of minutes. I know that might sound completely unbelievable, but it can and does happen. Some people simply can’t accept they’re the problem until something big enough happens, some threat of real loss, that they finally look inward and see themselves for the first time.
That’s an important understanding: A person who is emotionally abusive can change in a matter of minutes. That doesn’t mean they’re completely healed or that they’ll never be triggered again. But when there’s that single moment of realization – when they truly understand they’re the cause of the relationship problems, your unhappiness, and your confusion – it might be the first time they change their trajectory and start acting differently.
That moment, if it occurs, is all about empathy, or at least as close to empathy as they need to feel to finally see your perspective, see themselves through your eyes, and feel awful about what they’ve been doing all this time.
Can The Emotionally Abusive Person Change?
The challenge for some emotionally abusive people is that they don’t actually realize what they’re doing is harmful. I know there are quite a number of people reading this right now saying, “That’s BS. They know exactly what they are doing!”
Yes, some are very aware of what they’re doing but continue doing it anyway, regardless of what the person they are supposed to care about thinks.
Then there are those who suddenly realize that they truly have a problem and want to change (often and only after the victim of their hurtful behavior reaches their threshold). Those are the ones who join my Healed Being program. We’ve had many discussions in the online support group, and I hear these three words over and over again: I didn’t know.
Again, I know some people won’t or can’t believe it’s possible they didn’t know they were being hurtful or controlling. But once the emotional abuser learns exactly how their lifetime of behaviors is actually toxic, and they step into humility and vulnerability and realize they are wrong about a lot of things, the ones who truly want to heal do start changing right away. I’ve seen many A-ha moments from those who read the lessons as I try to help them erase decades of old programming.
Most emotional abusers have behaved this way their entire lives and have never felt the need to change because they never learned what healthy behavior looks like. Instead of looking inward and reflecting on their own behaviors, they want others to change for them.
A moment of realization and change can happen, but it usually occurs only after the victim of their hurtful actions reaches their breaking point – their threshold.
When you hit your limit and tell someone, “I’ve had enough. And I’m not going to take it anymore,” it’s like a light bulb turns on for them. They may finally stop focusing on trying to change you and start looking at themselves. They might begin to ask, “Is there something I’m doing that might be causing these problems?”
You might think, “What do you mean, ‘Is there something you’re doing?’ Look at all the terrible things you’ve done! Look at how you’ve treated me!”
And you might wonder, “How can they not know they’ve hurt me? Can’t they see what they’ve done? Don’t they realize they’re the one making me feel this way?”
Some people don’t recognize that they are a problem. It’s like having an itch and scratching it. If someone pointed out that you scratch your itches, you’d probably say, “What? Uh, of course I do!” But you don’t actually think about it. When you’re itchy, you scratch. It just happens.
This is often the case with people who are unconsciously emotionally abusive. They don’t realize their responses are so ingrained that those responses could be lifelong coping mechanisms they’ve never addressed. They get stuck in a pattern, and because these are often lifelong habits they’ve never thought about or questioned, they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
Many of them don’t see any issues with their behavior, so they keep responding in the same way. They keep going because there’s often little to no accountability for what they’re doing. And when there’s no accountability, there’s no incentive to change. Many of them see the person they’re hurting as the one causing their own pain.
I hate to admit this, but I speak from experience here: I used to be that person. I would make my partner feel guilty for not doing what I wanted them to do. I would make them believe they were hurting themselves. It’s a terrible thing to do to another person – to manipulate them into thinking they’re causing their own suffering.
This is what happens to many victims of emotional abuse. They start to believe they’re causing their own pain or that they’re suffering because they’re not good enough or not trying hard enough. Through words and actions, the abusive person convinces the victim that they are the real problem. So not only are you trying to figure out what you might be doing wrong to create the problems in the relationship, but you’re also dealing with someone who keeps reminding you how wrong and awful you are. They keep telling you that you’re the problem.
But, of course, most of the time, the victim of this type of behavior isn’t the problem at all. In many cases, when victims of this behavior reach out to me and ask, “Am I the problem? Am I doing all this? Am I the one at fault?” I ask them a simple question:
“Are you willing to adapt and change to accommodate that person?”
The person inflicting the hurtful behavior isn’t willing to adapt and change. That’s the simple test to determine if you are actually the problem in the relationship or they are.
The emotionally abusive person is often the one who refuses to see their own faults and doesn’t believe they need to change. They also don’t take responsibility for anything wrong in the relationship. They believe they can do no wrong and point the finger at you, saying you’re the problem and you need to fix yourself. And once you “fix” yourself, the abuser claims you will both be happy.
This describes the perpetrator of emotionally abusive behavior in 999 out of 1,000 cases. It doesn’t mean both people can’t be difficult in some ways, but it’s almost always the perpetrator who behaves this way.
In rare cases, you might find two emotionally abusive people who end up together. While it’s uncommon, it can happen. These pairs can cause havoc in each other’s lives. However, what I usually see is a complementary type of relationship.
The emotionally abusive person often finds a partner who is kind, caring, supportive, generous, and overly compassionate. All these wonderful qualities that a person should have in a relationship get turned against them.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have these qualities. I’m just pointing out that when you do, there’s a chance someone might take advantage of them. That’s why they are complementary. The abusive person will seek out a supportive, caring, kind, compassionate, forgiving person to victimize. That’s just how it often plays out.
I don’t want the kind and caring person to change. I just want them to be aware. If you consider yourself a kind, caring, compassionate, generous, supportive person, don’t change those things about yourself. Just know that good qualities can be taken advantage of. You should definitely keep these qualities and spread the love, but also be aware that because they’re such good qualities, someone might try to exploit them. It’s just important to be aware of this possibility. Not everyone has your best interest in mind.
How Will I Know If The Abuser Has Changed?
I mentioned that some people can change fast. When that happens, and this is important, what you’ll see is a completely different person. You won’t see the old them come back. You’ll see someone new that you might not even recognize. When the emotionally abusive person changes and starts healing, they don’t act the same. They also don’t react the same. You’ll wonder who just took over their body.
I’ve seen this many times, hundreds if not thousands of times, with the people I’ve worked with. The victim of their behavior doesn’t recognize who they are because the change is so profound. When the perpetrator of emotionally abusive behavior no longer acts in accordance with their old nature, you will wonder where they went.
Their old nature was based on survival mechanisms, mostly from childhood, likely from trying to get through difficult moments when they were young but not knowing how – so they made it up as they went.
Unfortunately, once a child develops a survival mechanism (that may have worked well for them as a child), if they aren’t taught any other way to handle challenges when they grow up and move out of their family dynamic, they might keep the belief that what worked in childhood is how you act in adult relationships as well.
But as an adult, life is different. Relationships are different. You have different challenges. When one brings old childhood coping mechanisms into adult relationships, it can lead to big problems that they might not even notice (but others will).
If you’re the one using these old coping strategies, you may not realize that they’re harmful because they used to work for you. And we tend to keep doing what worked in the past, even if it’s not giving us good results now. We just might not be able to see the cause and effect of our own actions. And we don’t blame our old ways of dealing with challenges because we still believe they’re effective.
This mindset can make you believe, “It can’t be me. I can’t be the problem. It must be the other person because my way of coping with challenges and challenging people has always worked. It’s gotten me through tough times before. So if there are problems now and the other person is acting strangely or not doing what I expect, they must be the issue.”
Of course, someone who’s behaving this way isn’t going to think, “Oh, it’s my ‘coping mechanism’ from childhood that’s causing problems.”
Instead, they’d wonder, “Why isn’t the other person doing what I want them to do?”
This creates a situation that’s often hard for many people to understand. The person on the receiving end of this behavior thinks, “Why are they hurting me? I thought they loved me. If they did love me, they wouldn’t do these things. I don’t get it.”
Meanwhile, the person being emotionally abusive is thinking, “Why aren’t they going along with what I want? This is how things should work. I know this is how it’s supposed to be. Why can’t they just agree with me? This is how it is. This is what works for me.”
The problem is they don’t consider what might work for you.
One of the biggest issues is that they don’t want to accept you as you are. When we don’t accept someone for who they are and accept the choices they make for themselves, we might try to control that person. And we know that trying to control someone else is wrong, hurtful, and will ruin the relationship.
If you listen to my podcast and you’re new to this topic, or maybe you’re someone who’s been emotionally abusive and wants to learn more, here’s some advice:
Stop trying to control the people you care about. Period.
We all want someone who accepts us for who we are. We want someone who loves us as we are. That means even if we disagree with someone, we accept them exactly as they are. It’s supporting their path even if we don’t like the path they’re on.
And I’m not talking about a life-threatening path. I just mean, everyone is different, and we all have different likes, dislikes, and opinions. And loving someone even though they are different, and letting them be themselves even though there are times we may not agree, is healthy love.
That’s part of being in a relationship – accepting someone for who they are, accepting what makes them happy, and supporting their happiness. That’s what makes most strong, long-lasting relationships.
People who are emotionally abusive don’t want to accept the other person as they are. They need the other person to be who they want them to be. If their partner isn’t who they want them to be, they’ll try to shape and mold them into that person.
It’s a tough situation when someone is trying to shape, mold, and control you. You can’t win because you’ll never be perfect enough for them. They hold the reins, and you feel like you’re not good enough because you can’t be the perfect person they want.
I’ve talked about this before in an episode titled, “You’ll never, ever be good enough for a manipulative and controlling person.”
I’m not saying that because you’re not good enough. I’m saying it because they can’t accept you as you are.
Even if they end up finding a way to change who you are, they still won’t be able to accept you! That’s why the abuse keeps going. You’ll never be enough for them, even if you do everything exactly how they want it. They’ll point out your flaws in your attempts to meet their standards.
I know that’s a downer, but I don’t want you to try too hard to please someone who can’t be pleased. There might be moments when they’re happy, but don’t turn your life upside down trying to please someone who can’t be satisfied. It’s not worth it.
The bottom line is that some people can’t be pleased until they learn that they are responsible for their own happiness and their role in the world. When they realize that, and also finally see the hurt they’re doing to you, and finally feel empathy, they might think, “Oh my god, what am I doing? This is awful. I can’t believe I’m that person.”
That’s when you might actually start to see real change. That usually happens when they’ve reached a tipping point themselves. But often, by then, you’ve reached your limit and won’t be able to take any more. Maybe you’ll have no more patience left for bad behavior. Maybe they’ll get one more chance to make things right. Or maybe you’re done and will give no more chances at all. It depends on whether you’ve sealed your heart or not.
Many victims of emotional abuse who reach their limit end up sealing their hearts shut from that person forever. Some don’t. Some still want things to work out even though they’ve reached their threshold.
Once the heart is sealed, there’s usually no chance the relationship can be salvaged. That can often be a healthy thing to happen for both people. Sometimes, it needs to happen because the abuse doesn’t stop.
But if there’s still love in your heart, there’s a chance the relationship can be saved. I’ve seen that happen a lot, too. It may take months or even a year or more, but when the emotional abuser has truly changed, and they aren’t doing any of their old behaviors, and it’s clear they are now a different person, there’s a chance to build something new together.
But of course, both people have to want it. And the person who caused harm must genuinely desire to change and fully commit to being and staying this improved version of themselves – and continue to work on it all the time.
Change has to come from inside them. It can’t just be them saying, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore because you’ll leave me.” That says they’ll change for you. That’s not lasting. And it’s not real. They shouldn’t change for you. They should change for themselves. That is fully owning their old behaviors and who they were.
Changing for you means altering behaviors while they’re in your life but not actually healing what needs healing inside of them. They need to embrace the fact that real change happens when they change for themselves, whether they are in a relationship or not.
They should be saying, “I realize how awful I’ve been. It makes me sick. I never want to be that person again. Whether you’re in my life or not, I need to change for me.”
Going back to my first point in this article, if you really want to know if someone has changed, ask yourself if you recognize the person they are now. Are they acting like they used to? Are they someone you don’t recognize?
I think that’s an important distinction. I’m not saying they are going to be 100% different. The good parts will still be there, but their old, hurtful, toxic patterns will have disappeared. And, especially, you will feel safe around them.
When someone actually stops being emotionally abusive and heals, they feel different to you.
They show up in ways you don’t expect – in good ways that surprise you.
They learn to accept that their triggers are not your problem and do whatever they can to make your happiness and safety their priority.
They are empathetic. They’ve seen themselves through your eyes and realize how awful they’ve been.
They feel sick thinking about how much they hurt someone they loved.
They commit to never being that person again.
When all these things happen, you won’t recognize who they’ve become because they’ve never been that person before.
And if you think you want things to be how they were at the beginning of the relationship, and they are, stay very aware of what happens in the next few months. If you’re getting along great, just like you did at the beginning, stay alert and watchful. I don’t want you to get pulled into a toxic or abusive situation again.
If they’ve changed, things will be different and stay different. But if they haven’t changed, you’ll notice it start off small and then grow into bigger issues and old patterns once again. An unhealed person can’t fake real change for long because it will be exhausting for them.
If someone who’s emotionally abusive is reading this right now and thinks, “All I need to do is just pretend to change and pretend I feel bad for hurting them, that should be easy,” well, you can try. But like I said, it won’t last because it’s not real change. And you will become exhausted and frustrated. And the old you will break through the facade.
An unhealed abuser can’t pretend for more than a few weeks and sometimes a few months. It always sneaks up and escapes. One can’t change their inner nature. If they haven’t truly changed, that nature is still there, and it will show itself. That’s why you need to stay very aware and watchful of their behaviors.
Our inner nature can change, but it takes massive steps, usually in the opposite direction we’ve been going. The emotional abuser’s inner nature changes when they become reflective, vulnerable, and humble, and they start taking responsibility for their words and behaviors and accepting that they may be wrong about a lot of things. There’s more to it, of course. But that’s why I created the Healed Being program, which is comprehensive and complete for the emotionally abusive person who wants to change.
This is crucial to understand. You might even need to test their old triggers to see if they still exist. Test anything that used to set them off. That could mean challenging them.
For example, if you occasionally talk to one of your exes because you’re friends or have things to discuss, and it’s not an emotional or romantic affair but just a friendship that used to bother your partner, that might be a good test to see if they react when you make that call.
I’m not saying you have to test them, but you should at least talk about what used to trigger them. You should have a conversation about the way they used to act. Using the ‘talking to the ex’ example, if your partner claims they’ve changed or are changing, you could ask, “Okay, so if I call my ex, you’ll be fine with it?” Then, see how they respond. You should notice a positive or negative reaction.
Of course, I don’t want you to pick fights that you know will be very difficult. Certain people might not make this easy for you. But if you truly believe they’ve changed or have high hopes that they have, you kind of need to test these things. You need to put them through the trials. And you can start small just by talking about their old behaviors and what used to set them off.
You might need to ask, “So you won’t get jealous when I go out with my friends? You won’t be upset if I eat a whole cake by myself?” Bring up the issues that triggered them in the past and watch how they react. Look for consistency in their body language and words. You want to hear them say something like, “You know, that used to bother me. I totally get why you’d say that, but I’ve learned a lot, and I’m okay with that now.”
They might say they think they’re okay with whatever you bring up, and perhaps that’s good because they’re still working on healing. It might be a good sign if they admit what they used to do and how they used to feel when you bring certain topics up.
A completely consistent response would be them saying, “No problem. I’ll buy the cake!” or “No problem. I’ll even buy you a ticket to go out with your friends. That’s great. Have a good time.”
That’s complete congruence (their words match their body language and behaviors) and a big step in the right direction. And a healed or healing person won’t bring it up later, saying something like, “Well, you went out with your friends and ate that whole cake. You know that’s not good for you.”
You won’t feel judged or criticized, either. Those things won’t be there.
Why? Because they’ve changed. That’s what you’re looking for – consistent, healthy, supportive behavior, backing the choices you want to make for yourself.
I’m not saying they have to like everything you do. I’m just saying they should support you in doing what you want for yourself.
Think about what happens when someone supports you being yourself. What happens when someone accepts you exactly as you are? Do you want to do more things without them? Or do you want to do more things with them because you feel so good being supported for who you are? The answer is usually the latter. At least, that’s how I see things.
If someone accepts and supports you for who you are, that’s the opposite of abusive behavior.
That’s love.
It’s the opposite of control.
It’s love.
It’s the opposite of manipulation.
It’s love.
Love and acceptance lead to connection, bonding, and a long-lasting relationship. Unless there are other issues that can’t be resolved, but hopefully, you can talk about those issues. If it works, great. If not, then maybe you need to go your separate ways. But hopefully, you can both have a mature, emotionally intelligent conversation.
I want to bring up another quick point. If there is a family member or friend of the emotionally abusive person telling you, “Just give them one more chance. I know they’re a good person. They’re really trying to change…” My advice is:
Don’t listen to the family or friends of an abusive person who aren’t supportive of the choices you are making for yourself.
I know this might sound like a demand, but it’s important to understand why I said that. When you’re dealing with someone who’s abusive, hurtful, or difficult, their family or friends aren’t the best source of advice. That person has been part of those two dynamics for a long time, sometimes their entire life with family. And, especially with family, the abuser person’s behaviors likely stem from that environment. So consider the source.
It’s possible that other family members have experienced abuse, engaged in it themselves, or have contributed to the development of these toxic behaviors in some way. In essence, the family dynamic may have created the very behaviors that are now causing you harm.
So when their family or friends approach you, saying things like, “Just give them one more chance,” or “I know they’re a good person,” they’re likely trying to make you feel guilty. That is not honoring your path and the decisions you need to make.
People who don’t honor you honoring yourself are toxic. I can’t think of any exceptions. If you can, please comment below. But in my experience, when someone wants you to be who they want you to be and doesn’t allow you to be yourself and make decisions for yourself, they are trying to control you.
The friends and family of an emotional abuser might also have tendencies to be abusive themselves. And they may see you as the problem, too. The abuser’s family might not even recognize these behaviors as problematic because they’ve been a part of them for so long. What seems hurtful and controlling to you might seem perfectly normal to them.
That’s why I say family and friends are not always the best sources of information when making decisions about your well-being. Many people who start the healing journey from being emotionally abusive are often surprised to see their old patterns reflected in their family. It’s a revelation to them because they didn’t realize how systemic these patterns were
However, it’s worth noting that not all families are like this. Sometimes, they’ll tell you to do what you feel is right for you. That’s a healthy, supportive response!
But if people who know the abusive person are trying to make you feel guilty or wrong, that’s a form of emotional abuse. And you don’t want to become their victim, too.
Remember, you should hear support for your decisions from the people in your life. Those who care about you will support you and the choices you make for yourself.
I hope you’ve found this article helpful. If someone you know might benefit from this information, please share it with them.
