What happens when the victim of emotional abuse gets convinced they are the abuser? It shouldn’t be difficult: The hurtful one is the abusive one… right?

If you’re trying to figure out if it’s you or them, this will be an important read for you. An emotionally abusive person can do a really good job of creating confusion, but there’s always a way to tell who’s who.

One of the most common questions I receive is, “Am I the abusive one in my relationship?”

People write to me wondering if they might be the narcissist or emotionally abusive partner, and they want my guidance to help them figure this out. So let me get straight to the point:

Emotionally abusive people read articles like this and listen to shows like mine for the purpose of proving their partner is the problem. They want tools to help them convince their partner that they need to “show up better,” which really means they want to control or change them.

On the flip side, victims of emotional abuse read articles like this and listen to shows like Love and Abuse because they want to improve themselves. True victims almost always want to make sure that they themselves aren’t causing problems in the relationship. They focus on personal growth, trying to show up as the best version of themselves.

This doesn’t mean emotionally abusive people never seek knowledge to help themselves. Sometimes they do start a healing journey, and when they do, it’s absolutely commendable. When someone genuinely wants to understand and change their own harmful behaviors, they’ve already taken the first step away from being emotionally abusive.

When an abusive person starts healing, yes, they might still struggle with certain behaviors or thoughts as they work through things. But the act of taking steps to heal themselves shows that their trajectory has changed because they’re focusing on healing themselves rather than trying to change their partner, which is the key difference I’m talking about between the emotional abuser and the victim of emotional abuse.

In my experience, about 99% of the time, someone who is actively working on themselves, trying to understand their own behaviors, and genuinely wanting to heal is not the abusive person in the relationship. This doesn’t mean they never do hurtful things. We all might occasionally do something that could be considered emotionally abusive. The difference is in how we respond to realizing we’ve hurt someone.

For example, when I’ve done something that hurt my wife, I feel terrible about it! I never want to see her in pain, especially if I caused that pain.

This is where sympathy and empathy come into play. They are crucial components in stopping abusive behaviors. At a minimum, there needs to be sympathy – feeling bad and remorseful about hurting someone. But ideally, there’s empathy – really understanding how terrible it would feel to be in their shoes, looking at our own behaviors from their perspective. In a state of empathy, it becomes much harder to be hurtful toward someone you care about.

This is why victims of abusive behavior rarely become abusers themselves. They naturally, and often empathetically, feel what it’s like to be on the receiving end of hurtful behavior. That’s one way to tell that you’re likely not abusive: you genuinely feel bad when the other person is hurting because of your actions.

Abusers Want to Change Other People. Victims Want to Change Themselves.

Abusive people want to find proof that their partner (or whoever they are being hurtful toward), is the problem. They want to build evidence to show their partner is at fault.

In contrast, victims of emotional abuse typically step into humility, believing that perhaps they should improve themselves because maybe they could do a better job as a partner, family member, or friend.

Victims of emotional abuse are also more likely to reach out to people like me or a therapist because they genuinely want to make sure they are doing what they can to show up in the healthiest, most supportive way to others.

The abuser who chooses to heal and starts feeling genuine empathy toward others will no longer be focused on changing them or making them feel bad for being “the problem.” Instead, they will stay focused on their own growth and behaviors.

That’s typically how I can tell the difference between the people who write to me asking if they or their partner are the abusive one.

Abusers don’t believe they need to change but wholeheartedly believe you do.

In other words, if you’re reading this wondering how you can improve yourself and aren’t trying to control or change someone else, you’re the one who is probably experiencing abusive behavior rather than perpetrating it.

Another telling sign is that emotionally abusive people never want to take responsibility or share in the blame. They only want to fix what they see as the problem, and that problem is always the other person. While many victims might certainly recognize that their partner is problematic, those people usually don’t reach out to someone like me asking me if they are the abuser or victim of abuse. They already know something isn’t right in how they’re being treated.

Are You Sure I’m Not the Problem?

The unfortunate truth is that victims of abuse are often convinced that they are the problem. The reason they think that is usually because of “crazy-making” or gaslighting, where the abusive person gradually changes the victim’s reality by making them believe alternate versions of events.

For example, if I told you that emotional abuse is actually a helpful tool for couples, and I gave you many reasons why that was true, you would probably become very confused, wondering if I lost my mind. However, if I had previously built some credibility and trust with you, you would probably start to believe what I’m saying because, after all, why would someone you trust betray that trust by trying to deceive you?

Someone who is being gaslit becomes increasingly confused over time because the person they love and trust is doing it to them. Think about it: Why would someone you trust deliberately mislead you? That is the question many victims of emotional abuse face. It’s this foundation of trust that makes the manipulation so effective.

Here’s a common example of gaslighting.

You: “I thought we said we were going out tonight?”
Them: “No, we never talked about that.”

You remember the conversation clearly, but they insist you are incorrect. They might follow up and say, “You told me you couldn’t get dressed in time after work,” which may have been something you said at another time, but they insert that comment into this conversation about this subject, and soon you are confused because maybe they’re right.

Misunderstandings happen in all relationships. Sometimes people genuinely remember things differently or forget conversations. That’s normal. But in an abusive relationship, this confusion becomes a pattern. It becomes integrated into the relationship dynamics so that it is always present in some way. In healthy relationships, there’s very little confusion because both people do their best to be open and honest.

When these confusing incidents happen repeatedly, the victims of gaslighting start doubting themselves more and more. They begin to question their decisions, judgments, and instincts.

Why Would Anyone Want to Gaslight You?

Gaslighting is about power and control. If you feel confused or crazy, you’re more likely to trust the person making you feel that way, especially if they’re someone close to you. And if you trust a person who makes you feel crazy, it can cause you to become dependent on them for your sanity.

In healthy relationships, we want our partners to feel confident and secure! If my wife told me she couldn’t trust her own decisions anymore, I’d want to understand why and help her feel better. But in abusive relationships, the opposite happens. The abusive person wants their partner to feel unstable and powerless. This nurtures dependency on the abuser.

The more unstable you feel, the more you will look to the closest person in your life for stability.

The goal of gaslighting is to keep the victim feeling powerless. If you feel powerless, you will not feel like you have the power to leave the relationship. When someone maintains control over your reality, they ensure you stay trapped in confusion and self-doubt. And when you lose trust in your own decisions, the abusive person becomes your decision-maker, making you even more powerless.

The challenge I pose to emotionally abusive people is, ‘If you don’t like how someone shows up in your life, why do you want them in your life at all? Why keep someone around that you’re constantly trying to change? Instead of trying to control and change them, which makes everyone miserable, why not just move on?‘

When I ask this question, the answer is almost always the same: “Because I love them.”

That answer might be hard to understand, but emotionally abusive people have learned to love others in an unhealthy way. They believe that to have love, they must control what that love looks like. They need the other person to show up in a way that feels safe for them because they lack healthy coping skills.

With good coping skills, one can handle relationship challenges by speaking up. They can say something like, “Hey, what you just did felt disrespectful. Can we talk about this?” In fact, I often suggest abuse victims try telling their partner, “What you did was hurtful” or “When you do that, it makes me feel unloved. Please don’t do it again.”

Sometimes that’s all it takes. But, unfortunately, it may not help at all. They may not change their behavior from your simple request that they honor your boundaries. Someone who’s been emotionally abusive most of their adult life probably won’t change overnight. Still, planting that small seed by saying “That hurts when you do that” might eventually get through to them.

The reason emotionally abusive people want to control you instead of leaving you is that they think this is how love works. They don’t have healthy coping mechanisms, so when they’re triggered, they resort to harmful behaviors. Almost always, emotional abuse stems from these triggers and poor coping skills.

When they can’t handle a challenge, instead of addressing it directly, they try to control, manipulate, or deceive to avoid dealing with it. Take a difficult situation like no longer feeling attracted to your partner. Instead of having that hard conversation, someone who can’t cope might become abusive, making you feel bad, blaming you for all the relationship problems, and trying to push you away so they don’t have to be “the bad guy.” They might even manipulate you into leaving so they don’t have to take responsibility for ending the relationship. After all, if you leave, they can point at you and say, “But you left me! You’re hurtful and awful.” This allows them to skirt all responsibility for the relationship ending.

Sometimes abusive behavior shows up in confusing but hurtful ways. You might wonder, “Why are they being so mean? What’s the logical explanation?” Often, there isn’t one, at least not on the surface. The person might be avoiding something they don’t want to talk about because they haven’t developed healthy ways to express themselves or face difficult situations. But instead of having honest conversations, they choose to be hurtful. It’s their way of pushing you away so that you’ll be forced to speak up first.

When you do say something like, “I don’t like when you call me names” or “Please stop treating me this way,” they might turn it around on you by saying, “Why are you so sensitive? I can’t say anything around you!”

This is how they make you the bad guy. Rather than directly saying they want space or have an issue, they act hurtful until you’re forced to speak up. When you do speak up, they can blame you for “always complaining” or “starting problems.”

Remember, it’s often their goal to make you feel powerless. And the more you feel bad about yourself or hesitate to bring up relationship issues (because of exchanges like this), the more they can avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.

Am I The Abusive One In The Relationship?

Almost every time I get this question, the answer is the same. The person reaching out for help, wanting to know if they’re the abusive one, wanting to improve for themselves and the relationship, is the one being abused.

I know some abusive people might read this and think, ‘If that’s all it takes, I’ll just pretend I want to improve to maintain control and prove I’m right!’

If that happens, which I know it does, there’s good news: People who do this always reveal themselves quickly. The tools and words they gather to justify their bad behavior only work for a very short period of time. They might try to act like someone who’s genuinely healing, but because their changes aren’t real, they will not be able to keep up the charade for long. They will eventually crack because they won’t be able to hold in their need to control and manipulate.

I’ve seen this happen many times, and it always blows up in their face. No one can fake genuine healing and growth for long. True behavior cannot be contained.

That’s why I don’t mind telling you what to look for when an abusive person is truly healing. Some may try to fake it until you believe them, but the truth of who they truly are will break through. When an abusive person wants to heal, and they’re actually on the healing path, you will notice it because it will be so obvious. You will be able to be yourself around them, and that will feel surreal because that simply doesn’t happen in the abusive relationship.

When someone tries to act healthier without doing the inner work, it doesn’t last.

Those pretending to heal can fake it for a while, but their emotional triggers will build up and expose who they really are. If they don’t address their actual issues or develop better coping skills, and instead stay focused on controlling and changing others, they will not heal, and you will figure that out sooner than later.

Let me share a message I received that perfectly illustrates this. Someone wrote to me about their co-parenting situation. “Mary” had broken up with her child’s father when their daughter was nine months old, but they maintained a healthy, platonic friendship for their daughter’s sake. Then, Mary met a woman and got married.

Within months of meeting her ex, Mary’s new wife said the friendship with her ex-husband was inappropriate and demanded they stop being friends. Against her better judgment, Mary agreed.

But it didn’t stop there. Soon, Mary was told she could only communicate about absolutely necessary child-related issues.

Eventually, Mary was told to block her ex completely and only communicate through their child!

My response to this is crystal clear: When you have a child with someone, that person will likely be in your life until your child is at least 18. And it may extend way beyond that.

When you marry someone with a child, you’re marrying the whole package, including their relationship with their ex, often for co-parenting purposes.

When I married my wife Asha, I knew her sometimes difficult ex-husband and their child were part of the deal. Sure, he was challenging to deal with, but I had to accept that she needed to communicate with him about their son quite often. I never gave her a hard time about it because she already had enough challenges dealing with him. I knew their relationship was over, so I felt no threat.

In Mary’s case, it sounds like her wife’s demands stem from her own insecurities. Or perhaps she doesn’t trust Mary. Either way, trying to control who your partner can communicate with, especially regarding their child, is going to create unnecessary friction and distance in the relationship. No one wants to be controlled.

Mary’s wife’s jealousy comes down to trust. If Mary’s wife completely trusted her, she would not worry about them leaving or finding someone else. When you trust someone 100%, there’s no room for jealousy because you know where you stand with them.

If my wife became jealous of my friendships, I’d have to be honest with her and say, “You’ll have to get over it because nothing’s going on.” If she kept insisting that something might happen, I’d have to tell her, “There’s nothing I can do about what you believe.” That may sound cold, and, of course, the conversation would probably go a lot differently, but I would rather our relationship be built on trust and not fear.

If I were the jealous one in my marriage, worried about my wife’s ex wanting her back, for example, she’d probably look at me and say, “Really? You think after ten years together, I suddenly want my ex back? That makes no sense.”

And she’d be right! It wouldn’t make any sense. She’d tell me, “That’s on you to work it out in yourself. If you can’t trust me after all this time, I don’t know what to tell you.”

If you’re not used to direct communication in a relationship, that’s what it looks like. And I prefer that any day over head games.

The kind of response my wife gave in the example above puts the spotlight back where it belongs: on the person with the trust issues. That is, of course, unless there’s a real reason for jealousy (like past infidelity or other unresolved issues). Jealousy is all about the person feeling jealous, not the person who is the target of that jealousy.

What’s particularly concerning in Mary’s situation is how her wife is slowly isolating her from others. This is a form of emotional abuse. When you systematically cut someone off from friends, family, and in this case, even their child’s other parent, it’s literally called Isolation. Sometimes it involves physically moving someone away from their friends and family. The less outside influence in your life, the more control the abuser maintains.

Some people don’t even realize they’re isolating someone. They’re just acting on their insecurities. If I was so insecure that I didn’t want my wife having friends, I might try to limit her relationships to make myself more comfortable. But that would still be about my own unaddressed issues and dysfunctional insecurities that I need to work on.

A Romantic Relationship is a Commitment to Everyone in That Person’s Life

That may sound a bit harsh and maybe even overwhelming, but when you get involved with someone romantically, you are becoming a part of their ecosystem. You are a component of a bigger picture of people in their world. That’s why getting involved with a person is getting involved in the whole package – their friends, their family, their past, all of it.

When my wife and I got together, she had to accept my family as part of who I am. That didn’t mean she had to like them or even want them in her life, but she had to accept that they were a part of my life. And since I’m in her life, my friends and family become a part of her life, too. And it’s sure easier when everyone gets along, but it’s not required.

The same goes for me with her family. I could choose not to accept them, but that would only make my life harder. I’ve always treated my partners’ friends and families as my own. That doesn’t mean I’m as close as she is, but because she loves and accepts them, I do as well.

Her ex-husband was once part of her family, and she gets along with him today. And because of that, I get along with him. We don’t invite him over for dinner, but life is easier when everyone gets along. He’s been kind and decent to me, but I have no reason to be friends with him or call him. When he’s around, I treat him with respect. And I trust that my wife makes good decisions about their interactions. If I were to ever feel insecure about their conversations, that would be my issue to work through.

My philosophy is that if I have a problem with someone else, it’s my problem to deal with, not theirs.

That means I have to look inside myself instead of trying to change or control them. When something bothers me, I ask myself: Am I okay with this? Does this violate my values or boundaries? And if I’m not okay with it, am I going to make them suffer because of my discomfort?

This doesn’t mean I won’t have conversations or express myself. I’ll say, “Hey, I’m having a challenge here. Let’s talk about it.” Maybe we can work through it together and find understanding. But I won’t stay with someone if I have ongoing problems with who they are, because that makes the relationship miserable for both of us.

When someone continuously blames you, calls you names, and makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to look inward and ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with forever. I like to use the word forever because I want it to land, first of all. Secondly, I know I’ll provide a definitive answer to a question like that because forever is a long time! And I know I’ll have an answer to something I believe is going to last “forever.”

Also, ask yourself if this is violating your boundaries and values. And, will this ever change? Have you noticed it getting better?

You might not have all the answers, but when someone keeps pointing fingers at you, isolating you from friends and family, and making you feel smaller instead of lifting you up, you need to evaluate where this relationship is heading.

Think hard about whether you want this for the rest of your life. If you don’t, it’s time to address it. And if you can’t bring it up because they’re violent or scary, you may need to make an even bigger decision for yourself.

I hope what I shared in this article helps you find strength and healing through any difficult time you may be experiencing.