When someone plays the victim, they shift the focus away from their behavior and onto how they’ve been wronged. They make it about their pain, their struggle, their version of events. And somehow, you end up feeling guilty, even when you’re the one who’s been hurt.
They keep getting away with it because it works. Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic. Instead of addressing what they did, you’re now defending yourself or trying to prove you’re not the bad person. The conversation becomes about comforting them, reassuring them, or fixing the problem they created.
Here’s how it works:
1. They never have to take responsibility for what they did. If they’re always the one being wronged, they never have to look at their own behavior. They never have to change. And you’re left carrying the weight of the relationship, trying to fix things that aren’t your fault. Playing the victim allows them to avoid accountability completely.
2. Your empathy kicks in and you back off. Most people don’t want to hurt someone who’s already hurting. When they cry, get defensive, or act wounded, you want to make them feel better. You don’t want to be the person who piles on when they’re down. So you apologize. You let it go. And the issue never gets resolved.
3. They’ve trained you to accept it. Over time, you’ve learned that bringing up a problem leads to them falling apart or turning it around on you. So you stop bringing things up. You start questioning yourself. You wonder if maybe you are too sensitive, too demanding, too much. And that’s exactly what they want you to think.
The truth is, someone who genuinely cares about you won’t make every conversation about their pain. They won’t use their emotions as a weapon to avoid taking responsibility. They won’t make you feel like the bad person every time you express a need or set a boundary.
If you’re always the one apologizing, always the one trying to fix things, always the one walking on eggshells so they don’t fall apart, that’s a sign. That’s not balance. That’s not a healthy relationship. That’s someone using victimhood to control you.
You’re allowed to hold someone accountable, even if they cry.
You’re allowed to set boundaries, even if they act hurt.
You’re allowed to expect respect, even if they claim you’re being unfair.
Their feelings don’t erase your reality. And their pain doesn’t give them permission to hurt you.
Suggested reading:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/dramatic-victim/
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/victim-mentality/