When you leave an emotionally abusive relationship, you might feel like a shell of who you used to be. The person you were before the relationship seems like a distant memory. Your confidence has been chipped away, piece by piece, until you’re not sure you can trust yourself anymore.
This is what emotional abuse does. It makes you question everything about yourself. It makes you second-guess your thoughts, your feelings, and your decisions.
The abusive person spent so much time telling you that you were wrong, that you were the problem, that you caused all the issues in the relationship. After hearing that enough times, you started to believe it.
Building your confidence back starts with understanding that what happened to you was real. You’re not crazy. You’re not making it up. The confusion you felt, the self-doubt, the constant feeling that you were never good enough – those were all by design.
Emotional abuse creates that fog on purpose. It keeps you stuck, keeps you compliant, and keeps you from seeing the truth.
The first step in rebuilding is to stop blaming yourself.
You tried everything to make the relationship work. You accommodated, you changed, you bent over backward to meet their needs. Nothing you did was ever enough because the problem was never you. The problem was their behavior. When someone is emotionally abusive, they don’t want you to feel confident. They want you dependent, unsure, and always looking to them for validation.
Start making small decisions for yourself without asking for anyone’s approval:
What do you want for dinner?
What show do you want to watch?
These might seem trivial, but they matter. You’re relearning how to trust your own judgment. You’re practicing the skill of knowing what you want and acting on it.
Notice when you’re about to apologize to someone for something that isn’t your fault. Catch yourself before you say “I’m sorry” for having an opinion or taking up space.
You were trained to apologize for existing. That training doesn’t disappear overnight, but you can start to recognize it and choose differently.
Surround yourself with people who support you without trying to fix you or tell you what to do. You need people who listen, who believe you, and who remind you that you’re capable. You don’t need more people telling you how to think or feel.
Your confidence will come back, but it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You’re not starting from scratch. You’re rediscovering the person who was always there, just buried under layers of manipulation and control.
That person is still you. And they’re stronger than you think.
Suggested listening: The feelings of guilt and shame after leaving the abusive person
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to assess your relationship
