The person you were before the difficult relationship almost always looks and feels different than the person you became while in the difficult relationship.
Losing that part of yourself may make you think there’s no way back. Sometimes, you can’t even remember who you used to be.
I received a message from someone who shared their experience with reactive abuse. This happens in relationships where someone is being hurtful to you, and no matter what you do or how hard you try to tell them they’re hurting you – whether through showing sadness, crying, or expressing hurt – they continue their mistreatment.
When someone is intimidating, bullying, or insulting you, making you feel bad overall, and you can’t get them to stop, you might become reactively abusive, responding in ways similar to or worse than their behavior.
You might resort to this because you’ve tried everything else. You’ve attempted to tell them directly, show them your hurt and sadness, or perhaps fallen into a depression. When nothing else works to communicate your pain, you might take that drastic step of becoming abusive yourself, or at least manipulative and controlling in ways that mirror or exceed their behavior. What’s surprising is that when this happens, you’ll often finally be able to communicate with them.
I’m not recommending this approach. I want to be very clear about that. The statistics are surprising, though. When you begin acting like someone who is hurting you, they become more likely to listen. Again, I’m not promoting this behavior. It only makes things worse.
At best, the situation stays the same (which is already bad enough), but usually, it deteriorates further. You don’t want to go down this path. But from my conversations with victims of emotional abuse, when they started responding with reactive abuse, that’s often when the other person finally stopped certain behaviors.
But here’s the crucial part: it always got worse in the end. Not only are you now caught in the cycle of emotional abuse or even more severe forms of abuse, but you’re also energizing it. You become part of the abusive dynamic, giving it more power.
While I absolutely don’t recommend reactive abuse, I want you to understand that in most cases, when you become abusive in return, you finally get heard. They finally listen.
However, being heard doesn’t mean they’ll stop. They might have been in a righteous, selfish state before, but when you respond in a way they don’t expect, they may start listening. This doesn’t mean they’ll change, though. In fact, 99% of the time, they won’t. They’ll continue their behaviors, incorporating your reactions and using them to fuel their own harmful patterns. That’s one of many reasons I don’t recommend reactive abuse, even though it sometimes happens naturally.
What actually happens is a buildup inside you. In an emotionally abusive relationship, you begin to realize you’ll never be heard or understood, especially when it comes to stopping their hurtful behavior. You might say, “Hey, that hurts. Please don’t do that.” When they don’t stop, you say it again the next day, “Please don’t do that. It hurts.”
And when it still doesn’t stop, there’s a buildup. I call this reaching your threshold. This “threshold” becomes your tipping point – the moment you say, “I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something.”
And so that “something” can become reactive abuse. It might manifest as “You better change, or I’m leaving,” or “You better stop that behavior or else.” Sometimes, it explodes into a rage where you just get so angry you can’t contain it anymore. Then it subsides, and you return to where you were – which isn’t good either.
You might have these explosions where the other person backs off or not, but then you return to your homeostatic state, which is the new normal your relationship has become. If this new normal has been emotionally or physically abusive behavior for many years, that becomes your homeostatic state. That’s your new state of being, and, as you know, it’s terrible. That is an awful state to consider normal.
Your state of being should not be about surviving with someone and hoping they’ll change so you don’t have to walk on eggshells. You shouldn’t live in a constant state of hoping someone will change.
Instead, you should be in a state where you don’t even have to think about it because that person simply doesn’t behave that way. I think that’s where every person should be, and you can take my “should” and leave it if you want. But I believe in that kind of “should.”
You shouldn’t have to live walking on eggshells.
You should be free to be yourself.
You should be free to be accepted as the person you are.
And you definitely should not have to constantly worry about what somebody else thinks about what you say or do. That should be your homeostatic state. That should be your normal.
That is the normal, healthy, happy (or at least happier) way to be. I think most people would agree that it’s best to live without constant worry. You shouldn’t be stressed about whether what you do or say will trigger someone to hurt you or continue that systematic drip-feeding of emotionally abusive behavior that others often miss.
Many people don’t notice emotional abuse because it’s a daily drip feeding. That’s what I like to call it – a daily drip feeding of making you feel bad, making you feel responsible for all the problems in the relationship and everywhere else, making you the “bad guy.”
When you’re fed that negativity day after day, and you feel like you can’t do anything right, you start feeling oppressed. In my Healed Being program, where I help emotionally abusive people change, I use an analogy that really illustrates this dynamic:
The victim of emotional abuse is in an emotional prison. And the emotional abuser is the prison guard.
As the guard, they control your behavior. They control what you can do or say.
This control doesn’t always have to be direct. In fact, a lot of emotionally abusive people are indirect. They control and manipulate in a covert way. This covert emotional abuse happens out of the public eye and sometimes even outside of your conscious awareness.
Sometimes, the abuse is very conscious – they know exactly what they’re doing, and you can see what’s happening. Other times, it’s not so conscious. It operates under the radar where you can’t quite put your finger on what’s happening, but you know something isn’t right because you don’t feel good. You’re walking on eggshells, never sure what’s going to happen from day to day, constantly hoping it doesn’t happen again.
I know I’m talking about a lot of difficult things here, but I’m leading up to a message I received. I’ll address it in a moment.
It’s important to understand your foundation – where you are and what your state of mind is on a day-to-day basis. What is your emotional state, your train of thought?
Let’s say you’re in a controlling, manipulative, or emotionally abusive relationship right now, and your partner leaves for the day.
Assuming you have some quiet time alone…
Where do your thoughts go?
And where do your thoughts come from?
Where do they lead you?
What about your emotions? What are you feeling in those quiet moments?
Are you sitting in silence, wondering about life and feeling curious about all of its possibilities or what might be coming next in your life?
Are you sitting in a quiet sense of peace?
Are your thoughts free from stress?
Or – and this is the big “or” – is there a low (or high) level of stress in all of your thoughts and emotions?
Can you sit in silence and feel good inside yourself?
Can you find a sense of peace within?
I’m specifically talking about the relationship here, not about kids making noise or job stress. With most jobs, you can leave work and still have peaceful time away from it. But a relationship is different. It’s all-encompassing. It permeates your entire life.
So when you’re sitting there, knowing this other person is in your life, can you feel at peace?
There Are Three People In A Relationship
In a relationship, your identity becomes intertwined with your partner’s identity. You become three entities: you, them, and us. This is my viewpoint, my philosophy, but that’s how I see it. I am with my wife, Asha. I am me by myself. I am also a part of her. She is a part of me. She is a part of my life, and I am a part of hers.
Together, we create that third entity, that third “person.” And that third person does things. We go out and experience life together. We watch movies together. We share emotions together. We have long conversations together.
That’s my perspective: there are three entities that form a typical romantic relationship.
A healthy relationship is when both people can live their own lives, feel good being on their own, and feel accepted being themselves around their partner.
When they’re working, reading, watching TV, or out with friends, they don’t feel like they have to check-in. They don’t fear getting in trouble for being themselves or doing what they want to do. Each person feels autonomous and able to live independently while coming home to complete that shared identity with their partner.
This doesn’t mean you’re defined by that identity – it just means your identities naturally intertwine when you’re in a relationship.
These identities can merge, but never so much that you lose yourself. Both people need to maintain their independence and autonomy.
Wanting to be an individual doesn’t mean you want to be separate from your partner – it just means you want to maintain your sense of self. In a typical emotionally abusive relationship, though, that individuality you once had disappears. You lose your sense of who you are. It’s almost taken away, though there’s also an element of letting it go.
Victims often adapt to the hurtful, manipulative, controlling person in their life just to get through every day – or just to keep the relationship going, hoping one day it changes. I don’t say that to blame the victim for what they’re going through but to highlight what often happens to people in these situations and why they start losing themselves.
When you adapt to this kind of relationship, you’re maintaining an unhealthy homeostatic state, an unhealthy new normal. The “good ” normal is when both people can show up as themselves and accept each other fully.
The relationship becomes unhealthy when one or both people start compromising who they are. Usually, the emotionally abusive person won’t compromise who they are. If they have unhealthy qualities and won’t work on them, won’t hold back, won’t try to improve, but you choose to adapt to the circumstances, the abuse cycle continues.
This isn’t your fault. You are not to blame. In fact, the kindest, most generous, supportive, compassionate, loving, and caring people are usually the ones who adapt. These are the people who give others the benefit of the doubt, who apologize first, and who let others off the hook quickly.
These are beautiful qualities! If this describes you, which I think it does for most people reading this article, never lose these qualities. Don’t compromise that part of yourself.
What you might need to do is make some other type of compromises. You might have to compromise:
- Low or non-existent boundaries
- A lack of confidence in yourself
- A lack of faith in yourself
- A lack of trust in your own decision-making
- And a lack of knowing you have good perception.
By knowing you have good perception, I mean knowing that what you see and think is happening is actually happening.
In these types of relationships, you’re often fooled into thinking you’re the problem. You’re tricked into thinking you did something wrong. Because of your caring, kind, compassionate nature, you’re willing to look at yourself, reflect on your actions and words, and make changes. If you think you’re hurting someone, you change so that you don’t hurt them anymore. That’s what separates you from the emotionally abusive person.
When the hurtful person doesn’t make changes and seems unfazed by your pain, that’s a problem. That’s not healthy love. If my wife, Asha, ever seems hurt by something I say or do, it crushes me. I hate that feeling. I hate knowing I’ve hurt someone I care about.
I’m being fully transparent here – if you’ve read my previous articles, you know I wasn’t always this way. Something switched in me many years ago. Something shifted, and I finally understood that I was causing all the problems in the relationship.
I had kind, caring, generous, supportive, loving, compassionate partners that I hurt over the years because I felt righteous. But when that switch happened, it changed me. It was the beginning of what I needed to do to transform myself.
One of the biggest changes was learning to put myself in the other person’s shoes. Turning on that empathy, asking myself if I would like to be treated the way I’m treating this person. Doing that consistently kept me grounded. It helped me heal and change my ways. I promised myself I would never be that person again.
Today, if I feel an old emotional trigger, I make sure to reflect on it and figure out why I’m having trouble coping in that moment. I ask myself, what’s causing this trigger? I reflect on it instead of taking it out on anyone else. I know that my emotional trigger is never about what’s happening in the moment, but more about the past.
Emotional triggers are never about the moment. They stem from something that happened long ago. The stimulus for the trigger might be in the present, but the reaction to that stimulus comes from somewhere deeper.
If my partner does something that makes me angry today, yes, she triggered that anger, but she wasn’t the reason for my anger. So I reflect and ask myself, what’s really causing this anger? Where did it come from originally? It almost always traces back to something that happened in my life from childhood.
It can be hard to make that connection, especially in the moment, but you can almost always link current feelings of anger, upset, or sadness to past experiences. Even something that seemed minor at the time.
Maybe your mom didn’t pick you up one day as a child, and you felt sad about it but moved on. Then, one day as an adult, much later on in life, something happens – like someone forgets to call you – and you become triggered. You might find yourself having the same feeling you had when your mom didn’t pick you up so long ago.
The stimulus for our triggers occurs today, but the emotions we’re experiencing in the moment may have started a long time ago. This doesn’t mean that’s what every trigger is about, but it is often the first place I look when I’m experiencing one myself.
This is especially true for emotionally abusive people who become triggered. They act out because they can’t cope with what’s happening. They fall back on emotionally abusive behaviors they learned long ago.
Typically, someone reacts to a situation not because of the present moment but because of something inside them that needs addressing, reflecting, changing, and healing. And the victim of this abusive behavior has to deal with it until they take another step for themselves.
That next step might be telling the person, “If you don’t change, I’m leaving.” Or maybe it’s just leaving or changing your own behaviors, but hopefully not falling into a reactive abusive state, which is where I started.
This leads to what I’m talking about today. I’ve covered a lot already, but this sets the foundation for discussing a message I received some time back.
It Takes Two… Right?
Someone wrote to me about being in a relationship where their partner refused accountability and blamed them for everything going wrong in the relationship. They said, “He acknowledged his abusive behavior toward me. He even joined a program for it briefly and asked for my help and insight to change himself.”
So far, it seems this person’s partner might be on track for change! At least, that’s what I thought initially. But I read on: “I swear he was genuine in his declarations of stopping the violence, but there was always some caveat that placed blame onto me for his behaviors.”
This person went on to say that after being spat on, cheated on, lied to, called horrid names, and having their things broken, they started reacting in emotionally violent ways themselves. The author said this gave their partner fuel to accuse them of being abusive, and so their partner doubled down on refusing accountability.
The author continued, “I’ve done so much research into this, and your articles have been a great resource. I see how my behavior has caused more conflict and could be described as abusive. There’s so much more to everything, and I’m losing my mind trying to find help and sorting it all out. Resources all point to abandoning the whole thing, but I see how both our stories coexist in objective reality, and that’s where resolution could live, right?”
I want to thank that person for sharing this. And I’m going to answer that last question right now:
No, that’s not where the resolution lives. The resolution lives inside of you, not inside the relationship. I’ll explain this in a moment, but first, I want to ask you a question.
Let’s say you were single. You hadn’t met this person yet and hadn’t experienced any abusive relationships. Maybe you’ve had some “normal,” healthy relationships or somewhat healthy ones. Now you’re single, and your best friend says, “Hey, I’ve got this person I want you to meet. But, just one thing: this person has a tendency to spit on you, especially when they get mad. They’ll probably spit on you. So, can I introduce you to them? Maybe we can go on a double date, and you can meet my friend?”
What are you going to say? You already know the answer.
You’re going to say, “Of course not. I don’t want to get with somebody who gets mad and spits on me! That doesn’t make any sense.”
Okay, so scratch that. Let’s say they don’t spit, but “my friend likes to cheat on their partner every now and then. They like to cheat only once in a while. What do you think? Are you interested? The cheating is only every now and then. And you can make up in between! That’s when real love and magic can happen. Would you like to meet them? You’re single. And I know you’re looking for a relationship. So what do you think about that?”
I know the answer.
You know the answer.
How about this: “My friend doesn’t cheat or spit, but they lie a lot. Or, “They lie occasionally. And sometimes, they might call you horrid names. But only sometimes! And, oh, they also might break things that are important to you. But they’re really great! Would you like to meet them?”
You know where I’m going with this. I’m setting up the foundation of who you were before the relationship began and who you would choose to be with then.
Knowing what you want ahead of time, knowing what the future looked like with the person in this example, what answer would you give when I ask if you’d like to meet this person?
I would imagine every single person reading this right now would say, “Hell no! This is not the person for me. I don’t want anything to do with them.”
This example is to highlight how we can change when we get into a relationship with someone like this. I guarantee you weren’t the person who would allow anyone like that into your life before the relationship began. But when the abusive behavior started, something happened to you. You changed. Not voluntarily. Not on purpose. But you began changing slowly over time.
The change was inside you. And you probably never even saw it happening.
The abusive person’s behavior was always inside of them somewhere because behavior like that doesn’t come out of nowhere.
But inside of you, the change was happening like a slow infestation of your spirit and soul. You fell in love, perhaps. You gave them the benefit of the doubt. You’ve seen the good side of them and know that part of them is still in there.
But even the good cannot overwrite the bad. These behaviors exist inside of them. They’ve always been a part of them.
I know what I’m saying here isn’t helpful. You can’t go back in time and change what happened. You can’t find that younger version of yourself and warn them not to get into this relationship. But it’s important to understand, and I’m talking especially to the person who wrote to me, that the person you were would certainly have made different choices if they knew then what they know now.
I’m going to guess that you would choose not to be with the person you described in your letter to me. Why does falling in love, making commitments, and promising to stay with someone cause us to alter our core needs and values? Do we get so caught up in love and commitment that it changes who we are at the deepest level?
Some people see marriage as a promise to God. You commit to each other and make a promise to God, if that’s your religious belief, to be with a person for the rest of your lives. Even if it’s not about that kind of promise, it’s still a commitment of some sort.
In a typical relationship, we lock ourselves into something we believe in. We believe this relationship will make us happy and fulfill us in so many ways. But that doesn’t mean we should change who we are. It just means ‘this is who I am dedicating my life to and with. I am here for this person, and they are here for me.’
We all know this is how it’s supposed to work. We’re supposed to be here for each other and live our lives together. It’s me, it’s you, and it’s us. It is that perfect trifecta we’re supposed to enjoy going forward as a team.
And yes, we’re going to have challenges, but we’re going to get through those challenges together. We’re going to make it work. So, we stay committed to our commitments.
And when we stay committed to our commitments, how often do we look back? Because maybe we’re a very honest, dedicated, and loyal person, and we don’t want to fall back on our commitments. We want to show the person we’re with, our friends, our family, the universe, God, whatever it is, that “This is who I am. I am not the type of person to break my commitments. That’s not me.”
And, of course, falling in love causes a chemical change inside of us. We feel like we need to try harder with the person we’re with because we’re in love with them, and they’re in love with us, we hope.
It’s all tied up. It’s intertwined. And it gets messy sometimes. It becomes enmeshed. And when you’re enmeshed like that, it is very difficult to break that enmeshment, especially if it’s toxic and especially if there’s a trauma bond where you feel like you’re constantly between a love and abuse state.
In a trauma bond, you feel like you can’t feel loved, and worthy, and important with somebody unless there is a huge difficulty or abusive situation. So you tie love and worth together with abuse and suffering. It’s like you can’t feel love without hurtful behavior.
There are all kinds of things tied up in a trauma bond. But basically, what happens in the abusive relationship is that we conflate the love and the abuse until they almost act as a single necessary thing.
That’s how we get “tied up” in the relationship. We can define love as believing there needs to be suffering while waiting for the loving moments to reveal themselves. You know those wonderful happy moments that we can look back on fondly and look forward to with anticipation, even as they decrease in frequency.
Unfortunately, happy moments continue decreasing in frequency in the emotionally abusive relationship. So most of the time, you’re unhappy. And every now and then, you’re happy.
That’s a grim picture, I know. I’m sorry to paint such a lousy image of what many people, maybe even you, might be going through. But that’s the reality for so many.
I asked those questions earlier about a friend of yours trying to introduce you to someone who might spit on you, lie to you, or cheat on you because I want you to consider what you would have decided then versus what you would decide today.
What would you have said if you knew all of these behaviors were going to appear in the relationship? And why would you answer differently today than how you answered before?
Almost anyone would answer differently today, knowing what is to come. But why?
I’ve talked about the enmeshment and commitment to commitments. Maybe you’re in a relationship where you made a promise – a commitment – you refuse to break. You might say, “I’ll never break that bond. This is what God wants for us. This is what we’re supposed to do when we’re with somebody. We’re supposed to travel through thick and thin.”
If that’s where you are, I want to make something very clear: The kind of abusive behavior I’ve been talking about in this article negates the relationship contract.
Someone spitting on you is a violation of the relationship contract. It’s negated.
Someone hating you? Definite violation.
Someone hurting you, sexually abusing you? Violation. The commitment is negated. The relationship contract is null and void.
Being insulted, being called names, having your things broken, being lied to – some people accept that as part of the relationship. I don’t. It violates the relationship contract I have with my wife.
I’m not talking about just the contract of marriage, although that’s the same to me. The relationship contract is my commitment to her, her commitment to me, and the commitment we both have to the relationship. When one of us violates any part of that commitment, the rules change.
And you don’t need to be told what the relationship contract is. Everyone knows you should not lie, cheat, or mistreat. Period. That’s in the contract – written or unwritten. It’s there. These are the basic boundaries and criteria of a healthy, loving, caring relationship
But when someone changes the rules and acts against the relationship contract, the contract you agreed to is no longer valid. They broke it. The commitments you made don’t apply anymore.
I know what that sounds like. It sounds like, “Well, if they cheat, that means I can cheat.” That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not saying if they lie, you should lie, too. I’m not talking about reactions to their behaviors. I’m talking about how you view your commitment and your promises and how deeply invested you are in a relationship where you think it’s wrong to break your commitment because that’s not who you are. In fact, you aren’t violating any type of commitment when the other person has already negated the relationship contract. You didn’t sign up for abuse.
Is There No Hope For A Relationship Experiencing Emotional Abuse?
This doesn’t mean I’m telling you to leave. I’m not saying it’s time for divorce or separation. What I am saying is that once the relationship contract has been violated and technically negated, it might be time to rewrite it and renew it.
That rewrite might happen while you’re together or if you decide to take some time apart. That rewrite might be you saying, “This needs to change or else.” Or, “When you say this or do this, it really hurts me. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I don’t want to be hurt by someone who’s supposed to lift me up and make me feel good. I don’t want that behavior anymore. It isn’t good for me or the relationship.
“And the truth is, the more you continue to do these hurtful behaviors, the less I want to be here. The less attracted I am to you and the more repulsive you become to me. The longer this continues, the farther you push me away. So, something needs to change.”
That’s how the relationship contract is rewritten and, well, signed in blood! Meaning that the abusive person must follow the rules… or else.
This doesn’t mean you won’t have disagreements or arguments going forward. It just means this harmful behavior has to stop. Some people will try to work things out and stay in a relationship like this. They’ll try to work things out, which is great when they’re both on board with the new rules of the relationship.
Others, however, may have to leave knowing their partner won’t change. They might have to so that they can protect themselves. After all, some people will not change. And some are too dangerous to be around.
Sometimes, the only way to put a stop to the hurtful behavior is by taking yourself out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, there are abusive people who refuse to stop. You have to recognize that as soon as possible so you can plan accordingly.
You Are Perfect With All Your Imperfections
In a relationship, you need to feel accepted as you are. That might mean leaving someone who can’t accept you. No one is perfect. In fact, it’s wonderful when someone can accept us, imperfections and all.
I love that Asha, my wife, accepts me, imperfections and all. And I love her imperfections and all. It’s how we’re built. If her imperfections bothered me so much (which would be me not being accepting), but let’s say they bothered me so much I couldn’t take it, why would I give her a hard time about it? Why wouldn’t I just say, “I can’t take it. I can’t be around you. You have all these imperfections”?
Of course, that’s not being accepting at all. It’s judgmental and hurtful. But let’s say that was the case. Let’s say not only could I not accept her imperfections, but I was also emotionally abusive. And let’s say I was really bothered by how she did this and how she said that.
If I really couldn’t stand those things, then why am I with her? Why am I choosing to be with someone I can’t accept and then giving them a hard time about it? It really comes down to my responsibility for what I’m going to do for myself.
That’s why I put this challenge to emotionally abusive people: If you don’t like how they’re showing up, why are you with them? Why are you being awful to them? Why are you trying to change them? Because the more you try to change someone, the more you push them away. The more you try to control them and mold them into who you want them to be, the more they want to be left alone.
If emotionally abusive people could just get that through their skulls like I wish I did 30 years ago, they would realize it’s a lot easier to let someone be who they are than try to change them, always risking them walking away from you.
That’s what I had to learn. And this is what happens – we have to learn that most people don’t like to be controlled. Most people want their autonomy and independence and to be accepted as they are.
And if you’re the type of person who doesn’t want to be accepted, you’re probably not reading this article. So, I’m going to assume everyone reading right now wants to be accepted as they are.
Choosing To Leave Or Stay Might Be A Difficult Decision
It would be great if you could just tell the emotionally abusive person, “I don’t like when you do that. Would you please stop?” And they did.
But, as you may have already learned, they often don’t stop. And sometimes they can get worse. And in some cases, they can get violent. And I don’t want you to be with a violent person. But if you are, you probably know exactly what incites them. You probably know what triggers them, so you’ve learned to be careful around them.
And though it’s never safe to be with a dangerous person, I will never tell someone in a violent relationship to leave. Personally, yes, I want them to. I want them to get out as soon as possible. But I also know that it can be dangerous if not done right. It’s important to become informed before ever telling someone to “just leave.” It’s not easy.
No matter what kind of harm you’re facing in a relationship, I want to remind you that you’re lovable and worthy. And you don’t deserve that treatment. Nobody deserves that treatment.
The truth is when you’re in an emotionally abusive or physically abusive relationship, you’re facing many difficult decisions, many life-changing decisions. I know that’s going to affect your forward progress.
In my articles and podcast, I aim to plant seeds of thought that help you build a strong foundation for healthy decision-making. Over time, these ideas grow, guiding you to make the best choices for yourself, your relationships, and your family. And if you’ve already tried everything you can to get the bad behaviors to stop, it might be time to take the next step.
That “next step” could mean leaving. It could mean talking to a lawyer. It could be talking to the person hurting you, having an “I won’t tolerate this anymore” type of conversation. It could mean talking to your kids.
Then, after you have the conversation, you can move forward. Because some people never have a conversation like that, and they never move forward.
I’ve learned that if one person doesn’t change, nothing changes. And if you’re expecting an emotionally abusive person to change, you may never see change in your relationship, at least until you initiate it in most cases.
Coming back to the person who wrote. No, what you said at the end of your letter, “These stories cannot coexist in an objective reality where resolution could live.” One person has to make a change for the other person to either accept or reject that change.
Sometimes, the victim of abusive behavior has to say, “I’m not going to take that anymore. This is what I want going forward. And if what I want going forward doesn’t happen, then we’re not going to work.”
The other person might say, “Well, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to break up.”
They might even say, “I promise I’ll change!” But isn’t it a bit convenient when they say that right on the precipice of your leaving? You would hope the person who heard that says, “Oh my God, you’re serious. I realize now that I have been hurting you all this time. I’m so sorry. I need help. I need to work on this once and for all.”
Again, one person has to change for change to take place. If you change and they change, too, great! But if you change and they don’t, and they keep pointing the finger at you, they’re not learning anything. They’re not healing. They just want you to be who you were so they can continue being who they are, which means no change.
That’s why I asked those questions about whether you would date a person with all those horrible qualities earlier. You need to integrate who you were and the decisions you would have made back then with who you are today.
Know that you don’t deserve any of this behavior. If that behavior happens again, that’s your threshold. That’s your intoleration point. That’s when you are done and can tolerate no more.
I talked about reactive abuse earlier. The person who wrote to me became reactively abusive because they couldn’t get their point across. They couldn’t stop the person from hurting them, and they just couldn’t get through to their partner, so they finally reacted in a way the other person understood: Abuse. They understood the language of abuse well – it’s their native tongue!
“I’m going to speak your language by being abusive, just like you are.” Then, the abuser hears it. But in the case of this letter writer, it didn’t stop the cycle.
When you have no choice, when you’ve tried everything else to get through to someone hurting you, and they won’t stop, reacting with abusive behavior may be the only choice you think you have. You may feel pushed to that limit.
This happens to a lot of people. They become the person that is being abusive toward them just to see if they’ll listen, finally – just to get the abuser to stop abusing.
Let me conclude with this. In almost every case I’ve seen, working with the perpetrators of emotional abuse, victims, and couples, 99% of the time, the abuser only changed when they realized the threat of the relationship ending was real. That’s when many of them open their eyes for the first time and either make the choice to change or stick to their guns and choose not to. Even in the face of losing the relationship, some will still refuse to reflect on their behaviors and admit what they’ve been doing is harmful.
The threat of the relationship ending shakes their foundation. They realize life really is going to change for them if they do nothing. The hope is now that they know it’s serious (because they just couldn’t fathom that what they were doing was wrong), they snap out of it and realize, “I’m actually hurting someone. I’m the perpetrator. I’m not a victim. I am the one making everyone else a victim.”
When that happens inside of them, that’s when they have the most chance of healing. Again, it’s not every time. Not everyone will do this. But the main reason emotionally abusive behavior doesn’t stop is because the emotional abuser doesn’t think the threat of the relationship ending is real. They just think, “Well, they’ll say it’s going to be over, but the relationship will go back to normal as always, so I really don’t have to worry about it. I won’t have to change anything.”
If that reality never kicks in for them, there may be a possibility they’ll never change. That puts the victim of the abusive behavior in a very difficult situation because it means they might have to make a life-changing decision. This is why the emotionally abusive person has to know that there’s a real possibility that the relationship could be over. Yes, believe it or not, as much as they hurt the person they’re supposed to love and care for, they don’t want to lose them. They just want to keep their control over them.
Some people need a proverbial smack on the head where you tell them, “Look, you’re doing this. You better stop.”
To the person who wrote, I hope I planted enough seeds to help you make decisions that work for you.
Be careful going forward and stay strong.
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IMPORTANT: As always, pick your battles wisely—some are not worth fighting and may even be dangerous. The articles and podcast episodes on Love and Abuse explore ways to handle certain abusive behaviors, but every situation is unique. If you are in an abusive relationship, please use your best judgment and prioritize your safety. Some actions may escalate danger, so carefully consider your circumstances before taking any steps. If you feel at risk, seek support from a trusted professional or organization specializing in abuse.
