If you’ve ever questioned how to forgive yourself for choosing your own well-being over an abusive partner, you’re not alone. Victims of abusive behavior almost always feel like they’ve done something wrong.
If you feel this way, I hope by the time you’re done reading this article, you realize that you cannot be blamed for being a victim of someone’s manipulation and control.
I want to talk about something that weighs heavily on many people in emotionally abusive relationships: the overwhelming guilt that comes with even thinking about leaving.
If you’re reading this and you’ve been in a relationship where you constantly feel like you’re the problem, where you’re always trying to fix things, always trying to be better, always trying to make the other person happy, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.
The guilt can be paralyzing. You might think, “How can I leave them? How can I choose myself over them? What kind of person does that make me?” These questions loop in your mind, keeping you stuck in a relationship that’s slowly eroding who you are.
What I’ve learned from working with people in these situations and from my own experience is that guilt isn’t really yours. It’s been planted there, cultivated, and reinforced over time by someone who benefits from you feeling guilty.
When you’re conditioned to believe that everything wrong in the relationship is your fault, when you’re made to feel responsible for someone else’s emotions and happiness, you lose sight of something crucial. You lose sight of your own worth.
The Conditioning That Keeps You Trapped
Emotional abusers are incredibly skilled at using guilt and shame as tools for control. They don’t necessarily do this consciously. Many don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “How can I manipulate my partner today?” But the pattern is there, and it’s powerful.
When someone consistently makes you feel like you’re not good enough, like you’re always doing something wrong, like their unhappiness is your responsibility, something happens inside you. Your self-esteem starts to crumble. You begin to focus all your energy on self-improvement, thinking that if you just change enough, if you just become better enough, the relationship will improve.
I see this all the time. People come to me and say, “I’ve tried everything. I’ve read all the books, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve changed my behavior in every way they asked me to, and nothing is different. What am I doing wrong?”
The answer is usually nothing. You’re doing nothing wrong. The problem isn’t that you haven’t changed enough; it’s that you’re in a relationship with someone who uses your willingness to change as a way to maintain control over you.
When you’re constantly focused on what you need to fix about yourself, you’re not looking at what they need to fix about themselves. You’re not questioning whether their treatment of you is acceptable. You’re not honoring your own boundaries and values because you’ve been conditioned to believe that your needs don’t matter as much as theirs.
This conditioning runs deep. Over time, you might find yourself becoming a shell of your former self. The things that used to bring you joy don’t anymore. Your passion for life diminishes. You might even slip into depression without fully understanding why.
This is what happens when you lose self-love in an abusive relationship. You’re so focused on being what someone else needs you to be that you forget who you actually are.
The Trauma Bond Makes Leaving Feel Impossible
The trauma bond adds another layer that makes it difficult not only to leave an emotionally abusive relationship but also to heal. This is when you feel reliant on the abusive person for your sense of worth and love. It sounds backwards, right? How can you feel dependent on someone who’s hurting you for your sense of value?
But this is exactly what happens in emotionally abusive relationships. The person who tears you down is also the person who occasionally builds you back up. They might criticize you relentlessly, but then have moments where they’re kind or loving. Those moments feel like oxygen when you’ve been suffocating. You start to crave those moments. You start to believe that if you can just do the right thing, you’ll get more of those good moments and fewer of the bad ones.
This creates a cycle where you’re constantly seeking validation from the very person who’s destroying your self-worth. You become addicted to those rare moments of approval, and you’ll do almost anything to get them. This is the trauma bond, and it’s one of the most difficult things to break free from.
When you’re in this state, the idea of leaving feels terrifying. You might think, “If I leave, I’ll lose the only source of love I have. I’ll be alone. I’ll be worthless.” These thoughts aren’t rational, but they feel completely real when you’re in the middle of it.
These feelings are not a reflection of reality. They’re a reflection of the conditioning you’ve experienced. The person who’s been making you feel guilty, who’s been making you feel responsible for their emotions, who’s been making you feel like you’re never good enough has fundamentally altered the way you see yourself and the relationship.
Self-Protection is an Act of Love
When you start to consider leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, you might ask yourself questions like, “How can I forgive myself for choosing myself over them?” or “How can I live with myself knowing I abandoned them?”
These questions are traps. They’re built on a foundation of guilt and shame that’s been carefully constructed by the abusive dynamic. When you ask these questions, you’re reinforcing the very conditioning that’s kept you stuck.
I want you to try something different. Instead of asking how you can forgive yourself for choosing yourself, ask how you can feel better about protecting yourself in a harmful situation.
Do you see the difference? One question assumes you’re doing something wrong by leaving. The other acknowledges that you’re in a harmful situation and you have every right to protect yourself.
Protecting yourself is not selfish. It’s not cruel. It’s not abandonment. It’s a courageous and loving act, both for yourself and, believe it or not, for the other person too.
I know that might sound strange. How is leaving someone a loving act toward them? Let me explain.
When you stay in an abusive relationship, you’re actually enabling the abusive behavior to continue. You’re “completing the circuit,” so to speak. The abuser has someone to direct their dysfunction toward, someone to blame, someone to control. And as long as you’re there, they don’t have to face the consequences of their behavior. They don’t have to look in the mirror and realize what they’ve become.
But when you leave, when you remove yourself from that dynamic, something shifts. Suddenly, the abuser doesn’t have their usual target. They can’t blame you anymore because you’re not there. They’re forced to sit with themselves and their behavior in a way they haven’t had to before.
This doesn’t mean they’ll automatically change. Many won’t. But some will. Some will hit that rock bottom moment and realize they need help. They’ll start to see the pattern of destruction they’ve left in their wake. They’ll begin the hard work of healing themselves.
I’ve seen this happen. In my Healed Being program, which is designed for people who’ve been emotionally abusive and want to change, I hear from people all the time who say they didn’t realize the extent of their harmful behavior until their partner left. That separation was the wake-up call they needed.
One person, a self-admitted emotional abuser, told me they’d been in therapy for years while still in the relationship, but they never really changed because they could always fall back on blaming their partner. It wasn’t until their partner left that they had to face the truth: the problem was them, not their partner. That realization was painful for them, but it was also the beginning of real healing.
So when you leave, you’re not just protecting yourself, you’re also giving the other person the opportunity to reflect, to grow, to potentially become a better person. You’re giving them the gift of consequences, which might be the most loving thing you can do for someone who’s been hurting you.
The Aftermath of Leaving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
What happens after you leave this type of relationship? There’s often grief, even when you know leaving was the right choice. There’s fear about the future. There’s often a period where you question your decision, especially if the other person tries to pull you back in with promises to change.
This is a crucial time for observation. If the person who was abusive truly wants to change, you’ll see it in their actions, not just their words. Real change takes time. It requires consistent effort, often therapy, self-reflection, and a willingness to take full responsibility for past behavior without blaming you.
Many people who’ve been emotionally abusive will say they’re sorry, they’ll promise to be different, they’ll beg for another chance. But unless they’re actually doing the deep work of healing, unless they’re addressing the root causes of their behavior, those promises are empty. The pattern will repeat.
You need to protect yourself during this time. That might mean going no contact. It might mean setting very firm boundaries about communication. It might mean involving other people for support and accountability. Whatever it takes to keep yourself safe and give yourself space to heal.
Because remember, you need to heal, too. You’ve been through something traumatic. Your sense of self has been damaged. Your ability to trust yourself and others has been compromised. You might find yourself replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you could have done something differently, feeling guilty for leaving even though you know it was necessary.
This is all normal, and it’s all part of the healing process. Be patient with yourself. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who understands emotional abuse. Join a support group where you can connect with others who’ve been through similar experiences. Do the work of rebuilding your self-worth and remembering who you are outside of that relationship.
Choosing to protect yourself from harm is never wrong.
You are not responsible for someone else’s emotions or behavior.
You are not required to sacrifice your well-being to make someone else comfortable.
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
You deserve honesty and sincerity.
You deserve to be treated as worthy and significant because you are.
If you are choosing to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, know that it’s one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make. The guilt will try to pull you back. The fear will try to paralyze you. The conditioning will tell you that you’re making a mistake, that you’re being selfish, that you should give them one more chance.
But if this is the choice you’re making, I want you to know that on the other side of that decision is freedom. On the other side is the opportunity to rediscover yourself, to rebuild your life, to create relationships based on mutual respect and genuine love. On the other side is the chance to be whole again.
If leaving is what you decide, you don’t have to feel guilty for choosing yourself. You don’t have to apologize for protecting yourself from harm. And if you choose to stay and work on things, that’s your choice, too.
Whatever path you take, make sure it’s the one that honors who you are and what you need. The decision is yours. No one can make it for you.
But whatever you decide, make it from a place of self-love and self-respect, not from guilt or fear or obligation. Make it because it’s what you truly want, not because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.
You are strong enough to make whatever choice is right for you. You are worthy of a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells, where you don’t have to constantly monitor your behavior to avoid setting someone off, and where you can just be yourself without fear of criticism or punishment.
That life is possible. Whether you find it by staying and creating change together, or by leaving and starting fresh, it’s possible. The question is what choice will get you there. Only you can answer that.
Trust yourself. Honor yourself. And know that whatever decision you make, as long as it comes from a place of self-love and not self-sacrifice, you’re moving in the right direction.
