If you are with someone who does hurtful things, would it help to write them a loving, supportive letter outlining all the ways they hurt you in hopes they’ll read it and finally realize they need to change?
Or would that cause even more problems?
A woman reached out to me and told me she had a deep commitment to mental health and recognized that her significant other, who had been sober for a few years, was exhibiting hurtful behaviors. She spent days carefully crafting a compassionate letter detailing how these behaviors affected her.
Her hope was that her partner would recognize these hurtful actions and take steps to address them. She even fantasized about her partner taking the letter to a therapist for help in understanding it. However, the response she received was far from what she expected.
Instead of addressing the concerns raised, her partner attacked her. He accused her of writing a letter that was all about herself and didn’t consider his feelings. He even claimed to have issues with her because he thought she believed she was perfect, stating he wanted a “flawed” partner willing to admit mistakes.
While it’s great that her partner has been sober for years, which is a significant achievement, it’s clear there are still behaviors that need to be addressed. Taking steps to overcome addiction is incredibly difficult and courageous, and that deserves recognition.
However, the issue at hand is her partner’s current behaviors. Let’s consider his perspective for a moment. Imagine receiving a letter detailing all the ways you’ve hurt someone. No matter how well-written or compassionate, it might feel like every problem is being launched at you at once.
When there are nothing but problems listed, that’s all he’ll see. And he might feel like he’s being portrayed as one big problem and nothing more. This doesn’t excuse his hurtful behavior, but it might explain his defensive reaction.
When faced with all these “emotional missiles” fired at once, his immediate response was to go into defense mode. He tried to make his partner feel bad and put her down. He turned the situation around, deflecting back onto her because he couldn’t handle the weight of all those issues at once.
To the person who shared this challenge with me, I want to be clear that I’m not criticizing you for writing this letter to him. What you did was necessary. You had to think about these issues and share them because you wanted your partner to change. You wanted that change because you care about him, and you want him to care about you. You gave him an opportunity – a gift really – of how to care for you.
You provided him with the knowledge of how to care for you. You essentially said, “This is how you can care for me so I feel loved and loving toward you. This is how you can care about me so that I’m attracted to you, so that I love you and want to be with you, so I can connect with you and open my heart to you.”
From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like you were accusatory or said things like, “You’re this, and you’re that, and I can’t stand when you do this, and you’re being a big jerk when you do that.”
It seems you were tactful and sympathetic, approaching this carefully and probably expressing it in a kind way. However, it was still like launching 50 emotional missiles at once. My thought is that you gave your partner too much to process at one time. Everything you said to him is likely true – it’s absolutely true in your mind and reflects what you’re feeling and experiencing.
Because it’s true and was said with kindness and probably respect, you were doing your best to convey something without trying to make your partner sound like a bad person.
I didn’t get to see the message you wrote to him, but it sounds like you did your best to share what was happening. The problem is that you sent him all the problems at once, saying, “This is everything you’re doing to me.”
That’s very difficult for anyone to process. And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I believe you did the right thing. You need to tell someone how their actions affect you. You have to let them know, “This is what happens to me when you do this. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty when you do these things. I feel this way when you treat me that way.”
For example, one approach to a specific situation might look like this, “When you say this in front of our friends, I feel embarrassed. So would you please not do that?”
This brings me to my main point. When you talk to someone, you want to address specific behaviors rather than putting everything in one bucket and dumping it on them.
I realize that sounds harsh. I don’t mean to be harsh because I don’t want you beating yourself up, thinking you’re stupid. That’s not it at all. The real point here is that many people don’t know how to tell someone they care about that they’re being hurt by them. You just might not have known there was a better way.
I’m sure you tried to express your challenges with him in the most passive, kind, and respectful way you could think of. Unfortunately, it was turned against you. And your partner put you down so they could feel in control and not feel like they were losing their power.
People with addictive personalities often use their addiction as a way to feel in control. They might even try to control those they claim to care about. An addict may use their addiction to manage their emotions, especially if they haven’t gone through extensive therapy or counseling to address past traumas and unresolved issues.
If they haven’t done this work, they might only have learned to cope with their emotions through their addiction. This is where programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) can be helpful. AA teaches many of the same concepts I discuss in my other episodes are articles, such as boundaries, values, codependency, dysfunction, and toxic behaviors. I believe AA has a very effective program.
A big part of AA involves sharing experiences with other addicts. This sharing allows for venting and relating to others. The goal is to eventually not need the substance or behavior, so you can live a better life without pushing people away.
Addicts have a lot to deal with and process. I’m not taking sides here, just explaining what an addict might go through. From my knowledge and experience working with people, addicts have a lot to work out and work on. Even when sober, they still need to find ways to handle their emotions without turning to their addiction.
It can be tough for an addict when they’re given a list of all the things they’ve done wrong or ways they’ve been hurtful. This is especially true when these criticisms are mixed in with kind words. We all know how this works – if someone compliments you on several things but then points out one negative, that’s likely all you’ll remember.
For example, if someone says, “You’re such a nice person. You’re so kind. You dress well, you show up, and your manners are wonderful, but man, you stink.” That last part is all you’re going to focus on and remember.
Many people can relate to this in their relationships. Your partner might shower you with compliments, then say something hurtful right after. This pattern of ups and downs, of love mixed with emotional abuse, can happen in some relationships. It’s a cycle of being helpful and hurtful, nice and unkind.
Ups and Downs in a Relationship Shouldn’t Be This Tiring
Relationships can be complex, with ups and downs, but some situations are truly extreme. If you’re dealing with such a challenging situation, you might be wondering how to handle it.
The woman who told me she sent this message to her partner said it got turned around back onto her. Her partner even said something along the lines of, “Oh, you think you’re perfect.” They also expressed wanting a partner who can admit to their flaws.
While this request isn’t unreasonable in a healthy relationship, it sounds she may have been facing difficulties for a long time, especially if they were together during her partner’s addiction struggles.
To the woman who reached out to me:
You’ve asked for help, wanting to know how to move forward from where you are to where you want to be. It’s a tough situation because you’ve already put everything out there. Your partner now knows your thoughts about their behaviors, which was necessary, of course. However, I prefer addressing behaviors one at a time.
For example, let’s focus on one issue: they embarrass you in front of others. You might say, “When you say insulting things to me in front of your friends, it’s embarrassing and hurts my feelings. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
If they respond with, “I didn’t realize that. I’ll stop,” and they actually do stop, that’s great progress. That’s one behavior addressed, one small step in the right direction. If it stays that way, you’re on a good path.
However, I suspect this hasn’t been the case. You’ve likely brought up these issues before, but the behavior hasn’t changed. So, you decided to lay it all out, hoping they’d connect the dots and realize the extent of their actions.
Sometimes, people don’t grasp the bigger picture from smaller incidents. They might think, “Oh, that’s just one thing. Every relationship has issues like this.” But we know it’s not normal when it’s part of a pattern of emotional abuse, which often involves a constant drip-feeding of hurtful behaviors over time.
This ongoing mistreatment gradually wears down the victim, eroding the relationship, the connection, and eventually closing off the heart. Over time, the heart might shut down completely, sealing itself off. When this happens, it’s usually too late to repair the relationship or rebuild what once was. Once the heart is sealed shut, it rarely reopens to that person.
While it’s possible for the heart to open again to others in life, it often reaches a point where you need to protect yourself from that specific person. My hope is that these issues can be addressed and resolved before the heart seals itself off. Because once that happens, if love is no longer present, there’s little chance for reconciliation.
I’ve rarely, if ever, seen someone completely seal their heart and then reopen it to the same person. Usually, there needs to be at least a tiny crack left open for there to be any chance of healing and moving forward.
In the Healed Being program I run for emotionally abusive people who want to heal and change, I often tell people that if there’s love, there’s a chance. If love still exists in the heart of someone who’s been hurt, even just a tiny bit, there’s hope. But when that door completely shuts, it’s usually over.
It’s tough to know exactly where someone who’s been emotionally abused stands because they’re often still processing a lot. When someone keeps doing hurtful things to their partner, that partner’s heart continues to close.
It’s important to be aware of this. The more hurtful behavior continues, the more closed off that heart becomes. Once it’s fully closed, it’s really hard to open back up. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it rarely happens without major changes and rebuilding of trust, comfort, and safety.
Now, about what to do next in this situation – it’s tricky because I don’t know all the details. I’m guessing you’ve been dealing with emotional abuse for a while, so it’s not easy for me to just say, “Go apologize,” when you’ve likely been through so much.
My usual approach when there’s been ongoing difficulty, and one person won’t change is that the other person has to – if they want to fix things. Someone needs to take that first step toward repair and rebuilding.
So, if you want to try and heal the relationship, here’s what you might consider doing: Go to him and admit you’re not perfect. Acknowledge that you sent a bunch of “emotional missiles” at him, expecting him to change everything without addressing issues one by one. You could say you should have shared one concern at a time, explaining how specific actions hurt or embarrassed you.
Admit that sending that message was a mistake – that everything was on your mind, and it all came out at once, but you should have handled it differently.
Part of me wants to tell you not to do this – to just say, “Too bad, you need to stop hurting me.”
That’s my protective side speaking up. But the part of me that wants to help you possibly repair the relationship, which is what it sounds like you’re asking for, realizes he might not budge, so you might need to take this approach since that may be the only way to get you both past this. This is only if you want to work on the relationship, of course.
If you decide to take this step, apologizing for your approach might show him you’re willing to be humble and vulnerable. It’s for the greater good of the relationship and shows you want to work on things. Even though another part of me wants you to say, “Too bad, mister. You need to work on this stuff, or I’m leaving.” You have every right to say that – and I know there are people reading this right now who are saying it out loud.
I know you might have a lot invested in this relationship. Maybe you don’t want to leave because he has many great qualities, too.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to feel alone in his imperfections, which is why he wants you to admit that you’re flawed as well.
You’ve obviously dealt with a lot to reach this point. I like to find the most effective, productive way forward, which sometimes means doing things you might not want to do or believe you shouldn’t have to do.
Part of me wants you to tell him, “Too bad. If you don’t change, I’m leaving.” But if you honestly want to work on the relationship as you feel there is something worth salvaging, I want to help you go in the direction you want to go.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to repair the relationship or admit his own faults, even though he might say he does. This is difficult to assess without the entire story. I’m not there to witness your interactions, and I only have what you’ve shared with me. I can only assume you’ve been hurt many times.
You don’t have to say you’re a flawed person or fulfill his request. Just apologizing, if you choose to do so, shows you’re not perfect. Of course, no one is. But you want the hurt to stop. You want his hurtful behaviors to end. Sending that letter might have pushed him over the edge because he felt attacked, which I’m sure you’ve felt many times, too.
But if you honestly want to repair and heal the relationship, one of you has to budge. And I’m giving you my thoughts and talking to you because A: You reached out to me, and B: I believe you’re the only one who might be able to move this relationship forward because I don’t believe he will.
Some people don’t have that kind of flexibility. Some don’t want to change. But let’s say you’re willing to take a step back and try a different approach. What if that different approach changed everything?
Wait, Apologize to Them When They Hurt Me?
Out of context, it sounds like I’m on his side. But the reality is if you’re going to stay, and he isn’t going to change, and since the situation won’t improve itself, then I want to give you what I believe to be the best chance at improving your circumstances as a whole.
My first suggestion, as I said earlier, is to apologize for the letter you wrote. Express your apology in your own words, but express that you’re sorry for how you approached the situation. This shows you’re willing to be vulnerable and humble because he and the relationship are important to you.
After admitting to a mistake, you might find that a dialogue opens up. Your partner may become more receptive because you’ve shown vulnerability by acknowledging something you could have done differently.
This doesn’t mean you actually made a mistake. But if you want to try to improve the situation and you don’t plan on leaving, this could be how it starts improving. Apologizing for that particular event demonstrates your willingness to talk about things without appearing perfect or righteous.
If he’s willing to talk and listen, you can address specific behaviors that hurt you. Instead of saying, “You always hurt me” or “Everything you do hurts me,” which can feel like an attack, try focusing on one behavior at a time. For example, you might say, “When you do this specific thing, it hurts me. Could you please stop doing that?”
Hopefully, he’ll respond positively, saying he understands and will stop. Even if he says he’ll try, which isn’t ideal, it’s still a small step in the right direction. If he doesn’t follow through, you can bring it up again: “You said you’d stop doing this, but it’s happening again. This makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”
By addressing one behavior at a time, you’re not overwhelming him with complaints. You’re focusing on specific actions that cause pain, which can be easier to discuss and change.
In some situations, especially in abusive relationships, it can be hard to identify exactly what’s happening. You might feel strange, wrong, or guilty without knowing why. In these cases, trust your feelings. Ask yourself: When did I start feeling this way? What happened to make me feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or hurt?
It’s important to pinpoint what’s causing these feelings, even if you can’t fully understand it. You can share your feelings with your partner: “I don’t know how, but what you just did hurt me.” They might dismiss your feelings or claim it’s not their problem. If this happens, you can ask, “What just happened? Because now I feel hurt.”
This approach opens up the possibility for a conversation about what’s going on. You might even ask directly, “Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Because if you are, it’s working. Let’s talk about that.” By addressing these issues head-on, you create opportunities for honest communication and understanding in your relationship.
The suggestions I’m sharing are typically found in healthier relationships where open communication is possible. Many people struggle to communicate effectively with their partners, especially in a productive way.
A key approach is to focus on specific behaviors, emotions, or feelings and address them individually. Trying to tackle everything at once can be overwhelming, particularly for someone who’s gone through a healing process or is learning to manage their emotions and thoughts.
Addictions often serve as a way to regulate emotional states, along with chemical dependencies. When someone has a short temper or difficulty handling situations, it’s usually due to a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. If they’ve relied on addiction for emotional regulation and no longer have that outlet, they need to develop new, healthier ways to cope with life’s challenges.
This can create additional difficulties in relationships, especially when one partner has poor coping skills. They need to develop emotional intelligence and learn how to manage their emotions during tough times.
In this situation, it’s important to consider the other person’s perspective. They might feel overwhelmed, leading to outbursts or attacks. While this behavior isn’t excusable, understanding their viewpoint can help if you want to heal and improve the relationship.
For growth to occur, one person needs to take a step in an uncomfortable direction. Ideally, the person exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior would be the one to change. However, if you want to work on the relationship and they’re unwilling to budge, you might need to make some compromises.
This could involve taking a step back, approaching things differently, or even apologizing when you don’t feel you need to. Showing that you’re willing to give, acknowledge your own flaws, and work on yourself can make it easier for the other person to change as well.
I want to make this clear: It’s not your job to help them change. They should want to stop being hurtful voluntarily!
But I’ve known many people in emotionally abusive relationships who invested a lot of themselves into the relationship and didn’t want to just get up and leave it all behind without trying everything they could to save it first.
That can be exhausting. And I don’t always recommend it in every situation. But I also like the idea that you can look back and say, “I tried everything.” That way, if you end up leaving because they refused to change, you can feel good about the steps you took to salvage things. When you’ve done what you could to try and make things work, you can move forward knowing you did your best.
I understand this approach might be controversial. Some might read this and question why I would suggest such a thing as this with an emotionally abusive person. While there are situations where setting firm boundaries and demanding change is necessary, there are also times when taking a different approach can potentially lead to positive outcomes.
If you want to try everything you can to see if the relationship can work, sometimes you have to be the one to make the first move. By compromising a little and acknowledging areas where you can improve, you give your partner an opportunity to change. And instead of being defensive, they might open up and appreciate your efforts.
This approach isn’t guaranteed to work, but it can provide a chance for positive change where there may not have been one before.
If the other person doesn’t change, you might have to accept that this is who they are and all they’re capable of giving. When you’re with someone who refuses to give, budge, or work with you, it’s definitely a challenging situation.
If they don’t care about improving the relationship and expect you to do all the work, you’re not with a person who sees you as an equal. And you’re definitely not with someone who genuinely wants to work on things, be humble, vulnerable, and take responsibility for their role in the relationship.
In such cases, you may need to face the reality that nothing will change if they choose not to change or budge. Sometimes, to get them to budge, you might have to be the one to make the first move. Not because you’re wrong or that you’re the problem – you’re not. You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve endured enough. I’m just trying to give you one more, perhaps final effort, to make things better.
There are times when we take actions that cause significant issues in our relationships, and we could have approached things differently. When that happens, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. But it’s good to know the alternative ways to handle certain situations.
That said, to the woman who wrote to me, even if you had done things differently, the outcome could have been the same regardless, potentially making my suggestions seem pointless. If that’s the case, I’m sorry. Sometimes, that’s how these situations unfold.
In other words, you might apologize, then find yourself compromising too much and still face attacks, put-downs, and criticism. You can’t win with certain people. In their eyes, you will never, ever be able to do anything right (even if you did everything right).
For the abusive person to heal, vulnerability and humility must be present. When it is, entitlement tends to disappear, and selfish behavior is replaced with compassion and respect.
