You start a conversation hoping to be heard. Maybe you want to talk about something that hurt you or share how you’ve been feeling. But within minutes, you’re no longer talking about your experience. Instead, you’re defending yourself against accusations you didn’t see coming.
This is the turnaround game, and it’s one of the most effective ways to make sure your feelings never get addressed. The moment you express something vulnerable, they flip the script. Suddenly, you’re the one who did something wrong. You’re inconsiderate, you’re too sensitive, you remember things incorrectly, or you’re attacking them when all you wanted was to be understood.
What makes this so disorienting is that it happens so smoothly. You barely notice the transition from sharing your feelings to defending your character. One moment you’re saying, “When you did this, I felt hurt,” and the next moment you’re explaining why you’re not crazy, why your memory is accurate, or why you have a right to feel the way you feel.
This isn’t a misunderstanding. It is a strategy. When someone consistently redirects every conversation away from your feelings and onto your supposed wrongdoings, they’re making sure the focus stays off their behavior. As long as you’re defending yourself, you’re not holding them accountable.
You might notice that no matter how carefully you phrase things, no matter how calm you stay, the result is always the same. You could use perfect communication techniques, and it wouldn’t matter. The problem isn’t how you’re expressing yourself. The problem is that they don’t want to hear it.
Some people will do anything to avoid being held accountable for how they make others feel. They’ll change the subject, bring up something you did weeks ago, accuse you of being the real problem, or act so hurt by your “attack” that you end up comforting them instead of getting your needs met.
When this happens repeatedly, you start to second-guess yourself before you even open your mouth. You rehearse what you’re going to say, trying to find the perfect words that won’t set them off. You start to believe maybe you are too sensitive, maybe you do remember things wrong, maybe your feelings aren’t valid after all.
But here’s what you need to know: in a healthy relationship, you can express hurt without it turning into a battle. Your feelings don’t threaten someone who actually cares about you. They listen, they consider what you’re saying, and they take responsibility when they’ve caused harm.
If every attempt to share your experience ends with you defending yourself, that’s not communication breaking down. That’s someone actively preventing you from being heard. And when you can’t express feelings without being put on trial for them, you’re not in a relationship where your emotional reality matters.
Suggested listening:
https://loveandabuse.com/the-turn-around-game-how-emotionally-abusive-people-keep-you-busy-explaining-and-defending-yourself/
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to assess your relationship.
