When someone blames you for everything, they’re deflecting responsibility for their own behavior and emotions. They’re making their problems your problems. This is a control tactic that keeps you focused on what you might be doing wrong instead of what they’re actually doing to hurt you.
The person blaming you wants you to believe that if you just changed your behavior, everything would be fine. If you were quieter, more understanding, less sensitive, or did things their way, the problems would disappear. That’s the message they’re sending. The truth is, no matter how much you change, the blaming won’t stop. It will just shift to something else.
Blaming is a way to avoid accountability. When they blame you for their anger, their outbursts, or their unhappiness, they don’t have to look at themselves. They don’t have to admit they have work to do. Instead, they get to point the finger at you and make you responsible for fixing everything. That’s not fair, and it’s not healthy.
This pattern keeps you in a constant state of self-doubt. You start questioning your own perceptions and memories. You wonder if maybe you really are the problem. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid saying or doing anything that might set them off. That’s exactly what they want. When you’re focused on managing their emotions and avoiding their blame, you’re not focused on how they’re treating you.
The reality is that each person is responsible for their own emotions and reactions. Yes, we can hurt each other’s feelings. Yes, we can do things that upset our partner. But how someone chooses to respond to that upset is on them. If they choose to yell, insult, punish, or blame you for everything, that’s their choice. You didn’t make them do it.
When someone consistently blames you for everything, they’re showing you they’re not willing to take responsibility for their part in the relationship. They’re showing you they’d rather make you feel bad than look at their own behavior. That’s not love. That’s control.
You deserve to be in a relationship where both people can admit when they’re wrong, where both people take responsibility for their actions, and where blame isn’t used as a weapon. You deserve better than being someone’s scapegoat.
If this resonates with you, this episode of The Overwhelmed Brain may be helpful to you:
Taking the blame for their behavior.