You used to trust yourself. Now even choosing what to eat feels like a test you might fail.
When someone consistently criticizes your choices, questions your judgment, or reacts with frustration every time you decide something they don’t like, you learn to freeze.
That’s because your brain starts running every option through their filter first. You’ve been trained to believe your instincts are wrong.
And they’ve convinced you that your thinking is flawed, your priorities are selfish, or your decisions always create problems. The truth is simpler: they don’t like when you choose anything that doesn’t serve them.
This happens through patterns you might not even notice anymore. Maybe they sigh heavily when you suggest a restaurant, or they bring up that “bad decision” you made months ago whenever you’re trying to make a new one.
Perhaps they say things like “Are you sure about that?” in a tone that makes it clear you shouldn’t be. Or maybe they agree to a decision you made but punish you later with silence, complaints, or reminders of how your idea didn’t work out.
Dealing with someone who does this, and you will eventually stop deciding at all because the aftermath isn’t worth it.
You’re not indecisive by nature. You’ve been made indecisive by someone who wants you to do what they want you to do regardless of how you feel about it.
In other words, someone is trying to control you so that you never do anything that doesn’t serve them.
Here’s something you can try if you want to test where you actually stand with someone. Tell them:
“I’ve decided I’m going to do this. And I’m not looking for input.”
In a healthy, loving relationship, you’ll get responses like “Okay. I trust you. Go for it.” or maybe even “I don’t love that idea, but it’s your call.”
In a toxic relationship with a selfish person, you’ll hear “Why would you do that?” or “That’s a terrible idea,” or “Fine, but don’t blame me when it goes wrong.”
They might even act hurt that you didn’t ask their opinion, as if your autonomy is an attack on them.
If speaking up feels dangerous, or if you know it will lead to hours of conflict, I suggest not trying to “test” the relationship at all. Protecting yourself is a priority. If you feel a conversation like this could go terribly wrong, I don’t want you to get into it at all.
But do know that conversations like this should be welcome and even encouraged in any relationship. And if you’re in one that doesn’t welcome a reasonable conversation, you are not in a balanced relationship.
Let’s say you tell them, “I’ve decided I’m going to do this. And I’m not looking for input,” and they respond, “Whoa, okay. Where did that come from?”
That’s when they might be able to open a dialogue about how you want to be supported when you make decisions you feel good about. That might be the time that they finally realize their behaviors are hurtful, not helpful.
And if they decide to take accountability, even better. However, remember that real accountability doesn’t look like someone saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” after they’ve undermined you. It looks like them noticing the pattern, naming it clearly, and changing how they respond when you make decisions.
Accountability sounds like “I now realize I’ve been dismissive when you make certain decisions. And I’m going to stop doing that.” Perhaps they’ll even apologize.
The trick is that they actually have to stop:
They can’t bring up your past mistakes as weapons.
They can’t sigh or roll their eyes.
They can’t make you pay for choosing differently than they would.
A real apology is always followed by real behavior changes.
You deserve to make choices without fear of emotional punishment. You deserve a partner who respects your judgment even when they disagree.
The fact that you’re second-guessing every small decision isn’t proof that you’re broken. It’s proof that someone has spent a long time convincing you that you are.
Recognizing that is the first step toward trusting yourself again. You get to make decisions that are right for you.
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to pinpoint all the abusive behaviors in your relationship.