They’re angry at you for something you didn’t know you were supposed to do.
They’re disappointed because you failed a test you didn’t know you were taking.
They’re hurt because you broke a rule that was never explained to you…
This is the game of covert contracts. The abuser creates expectations in their mind, never tells you what those expectations are, then punishes you when you inevitably fail to meet them. It’s a rigged system designed to keep you confused, apologetic, and constantly trying to read their mind.
Here’s what it looks like in real life. They get upset because you didn’t text them during your lunch break, even though they never asked you to. They’re cold and distant because you wore the wrong outfit to dinner with their friends, but they never mentioned they had a preference. They explode because you made plans without checking with them first, even though you’re an adult who’s allowed to have a life.
The contract exists only in their head. You never agreed to it. You never even saw it. But you’re being held accountable for violating terms you never knew existed.
This is manipulation at its core. It works because it keeps you in a constant state of anxiety, always wondering what invisible rule you’re about to break next. Your nervous system stays activated. Your body remembers the last time they got angry, so you start walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate what they want before they want it.
When you’re walking around not knowing what you did wrong and what wrong you’re going to do next, you end up becoming hypervigilant, scanning their face for signs of displeasure, analyzing their tone for hints of what you did wrong this time.
They wrote up a contract you didn’t even know existed so that they could keep you guessing about what happens next. It’s an exhausting and stressful manipulation that’s designed to keep you powerless. The more powerless and confused you feel, the more control someone can have over you.
A healthy person communicates and says, “Hey, it would mean a lot to me if you could text me during your lunch break.”
A healthy person asks, “Would you mind checking with me before making plans on weekends?”
A healthy person gives you the information you need to succeed, not sets you up to fail.
An abusive person doesn’t want you to succeed. They want you to fail. Because every time you fail one of their secret tests, they get to be the victim: They get to be disappointed in you. They get to withdraw affection, give you the silent treatment, or rage at you for being so thoughtless and selfish. Your failure becomes their justification for treating you badly.
You could try having a conversation by saying, “I need you to tell me what you expect from me instead of getting angry when I don’t read your mind.”
But here’s what will likely happen: They’ll tell you that you should just know. They’ll say that if you really loved them, you wouldn’t need to be told. They’ll accuse you of being difficult or making excuses. They’ll flip it around and make your reasonable request for clear communication into another thing you’re doing wrong.
The covert contract isn’t about the specific behavior they wanted. It’s about maintaining power. If they told you what they expected, you might actually meet that expectation! And if that happened, they’d lose their excuse to be angry with you and their justification for punishing you. The confusion is the point.
You deserve to know what’s expected of you. You deserve clear communication and a partner who wants you to succeed, not one who sets invisible traps and watches you stumble into them. There’s no reason you can’t be with someone who says what they mean and means what they say.
However, if someone is consistently angry at you for things you didn’t know you were supposed to do, that’s not your failure. That’s their choice to keep you confused and off-balance. That’s their decision to play games instead of building a real relationship.
And no amount of mind-reading or people-pleasing will ever be enough for someone like this, because the rules will keep changing to ensure you can never win.
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to assess your relationship.
