When you met them, you probably had opinions, made decisions without agonizing over them, and trusted your own judgment.
Now you hesitate before speaking, replay conversations obsessively to figure out what you did wrong, and feel paralyzed by choices that used to be simple.
That shift didn’t happen because you suddenly became incompetent. It happened because someone convinced you that your instincts are fundamentally flawed.
Confidence isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about trusting that your perceptions are valid, your feelings make sense, and your decisions are sound enough to navigate life.
When you’re with someone who consistently tells you that you’re wrong about what you saw, heard, or felt, that foundation crumbles. They might say you’re overreacting when you express hurt, or insist a conversation you clearly remember never happened.
After enough repetition, you stop trusting yourself because the alternative, that they’re deliberately distorting reality, feels too destabilizing to accept.
The loss shows up in small ways first:
You start asking them how you should handle situations you used to manage on your own.
You rehearse sentences in your head before speaking because you’re trying to predict which words will set them off.
You apologize constantly, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong, because it’s easier than enduring their coldness or anger.
Eventually, you can’t remember the last time you made a decision without wondering if it was the right one.
What makes this particularly insidious is that someone who does this will often frame your uncertainty as proof that something’s wrong with you: i.e., “You’re so indecisive,” they might say, ignoring that your indecision started after months of them criticizing every choice you made.
Or they’ll express concern about your anxiety while conveniently forgetting that they are the primary source of it. The message becomes clear that you’re the problem, and your lack of confidence is just more evidence of your inadequacy.
If you want to gauge whether someone is helping or harming your sense of self, notice what happens when you express a firm opinion. Try saying something like this:
“I’ve thought about it, and this is what I’ve decided to do.”
In a healthy dynamic, they might ask questions or offer perspective, but they’ll ultimately respect that it’s your call.
In a toxic dynamic, you’ll hear things like, “That’s a terrible idea,” or “You’re not thinking clearly,” or they’ll bring up every past mistake to prove you can’t be trusted with decisions. The goal isn’t to help you think through something. It’s to make you doubt yourself enough that you defer to them automatically.
Someone who loves and supports you doesn’t require you to abandon your own judgment. Someone who genuinely cares about you wants you to feel capable and sure of yourself, even when they disagree with your choices! They don’t benefit from your confusion or need you to be uncertain in order to feel secure.
If being with someone has left you unable to trust your own mind, that’s not a personal failing. That’s the predictable result of being with someone who needed you diminished.
You weren’t born doubting yourself. Someone taught you to. Recognizing that you’ve lost your confidence since being with them means you’re starting to see the pattern clearly. That clarity is the beginning of getting yourself back.
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to pinpoint all the abusive behaviors in your relationship.