Relationships can survive even when things are bad, but what about when things are never good but just functional? Is just functioning together good enough? Can you make it work?
Functioning together can make some aspects of life easier, but not necessarily happier.
I received an email from someone wrestling with a question many people face but rarely say out loud. They’re in what they describe as a toxic marriage with someone who shows signs of malignant narcissism.
The relationship has improved somewhat lately. They get along. They function together. But there’s still eggshell-walking, still occasional stress, and still fundamental value misalignments.
The real question underneath all of this is whether “just functioning together” is good enough. Whether financial security, lifestyle, companionship, and avoiding the pain of divorce are sufficient reasons to stay when happiness feels conditional, and comfort comes with a cost.
This is one of those situations where logic and emotion pull in opposite directions. On paper, there are compelling reasons to stay. In practice, there’s a persistent sense that something essential is missing. The person asking isn’t sure which decision to make and is looking for clarity.
What struck me about this message is how common this internal conflict is. Many people find themselves in relationships where things aren’t terrible enough to justify leaving but aren’t good enough to feel truly satisfied. They’re stuck in a gray area where both staying and leaving feel like losing.
How To Make A Good Decision About The Relationship
When you’re trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship that’s functional but unfulfilling, the most useful approach is to get clear on what you actually value. Not what you think you should value, not what other people tell you to value, but what genuinely matters most to you.
This means writing it down. Make a list of everything that’s important to you in this situation. Based on the email I received, that list might include things like not being alone, financial security, maintaining a certain lifestyle, avoiding the pain of divorce, not feeling guilty, and not walking on eggshells every day.
Once you have your list, the next step is to prioritize the items in the order that are most important first. This is where it gets uncomfortable because you have to ask yourself hard questions that compare values and order them from most important to least important, like:
Is it more important to you that you don’t feel guilty about getting divorced or that you don’t walk on eggshells every day?
Is financial security more important than daily happiness?
Is avoiding the pain of divorce more important than experiencing the ongoing stress of a toxic relationship?
There’s no right answer to these questions. The point is to understand your own hierarchy of values so you can make a decision that aligns with what matters most to you. When you make decisions based on your deepest values, even if those decisions are difficult, you’re more likely to feel at peace with the outcome. I actually offer a workbook that walks you through this if you need more detailed guidance here.
The problem many people run into with decision-making is that they try to make decisions based on fear or on what other people think they should do. For instance, they stay because they’re afraid of being alone. Or they leave because their friends tell them they should. But when you base your decisions on your own values, you’re making choices from a place of clarity rather than confusion.
What You Don’t Define Will Keep You Stuck
One pattern that shows up repeatedly in situations like this is the use of undefined terms. The person who wrote to me mentioned worrying about things not being “good enough,” or “clean enough,” or happening “fast enough.” These phrases create an impossible standard because “enough” is never defined.
When you say something isn’t good enough, you need to ask yourself, “Compared to what?”:
Compared to your parents’ house?
Compared to what you see on social media?
Compared to some imaginary ideal that doesn’t actually exist anywhere?
If you don’t define what “enough” means, you’ll never reach it. You’ll keep moving the goalpost every time you get close. This is how people end up in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction, always feeling like they’re falling short even when they’re doing everything they can.
The same applies to relationships. If you’re waiting for things to be “good enough” to stay or “bad enough” to leave, but you haven’t defined what those thresholds actually are, you’ll stay stuck in indecision indefinitely.
I think one of the most important questions you can ask yourself when you’re deciding whether to stay in a difficult relationship is this:
If nothing ever changes, will I be okay?
Not “What if it gets better?” Not “What if they finally understand?” But if this is exactly how it’s going to be for the rest of your life, can you accept that?
This question cuts through all the wishful thinking and forces you to look at reality. Because the truth is, basing your decision on the possibility that things might change puts you in a position of waiting for an infinite number of possibilities. After all, you can always tell yourself to wait another month, another six months, or another year to see if things improve.
But the trend is more reliable than the possibilities. Look at the history of your relationship. Has it been gradually improving? Has it stayed the same? Has it gotten worse in some areas, even if it’s improved in others?
The past trend of a relationship tells you what the future of the relationship holds.
If the person you’re with has mellowed somewhat, that’s worth noting. But you also need to look at whether other aspects of the relationship have improved, stayed stagnant, or deteriorated. One area of improvement doesn’t necessarily mean the whole relationship is on an upward trajectory.
How To See Everything Clearly
When you’re trying to make a decision like this, it helps to lay out all your options clearly. Put everything on the table – all your choices, basically – and look at what each one actually means.
One option is staying in the relationship as it is now, with nothing changing. That means accepting the eggshell-walking, the stress, the value misalignments, but also keeping the financial security, the companionship, and avoiding the pain of divorce.
Another option is leaving. That means experiencing the pain of divorce or a breakup, dealing with guilt, potentially being alone, and losing the lifestyle you’re accustomed to. But it also means not being in a toxic relationship anymore, not experiencing the daily stress and anxiety, and eventually healing and feeling different.
There’s also a third option that people sometimes overlook, which is setting boundaries and consequences within the relationship. This means being clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and following through when those boundaries are crossed.
That might mean saying something like, “If you continue treating me this way, I won’t sleep in the same room with you,” or “I’m not going to participate in these conversations anymore when they turn into arguments.”
The key with this third option is that you have to actually follow through with your boundaries if it’s safe to do so. If you say you won’t tolerate something but then do nothing when that something happens, you’ve taught the other person that there are no real consequences to their behaviors; no accountability. When that happens, they’ll know that anything they do is acceptable because they know you won’t make them accountable.
The Reality of Both Paths
Here’s something important to understand about decisions like this. Sometimes, no matter what you choose, it will involve discomfort. Staying means continuing to experience the difficulties you’re already experiencing. Leaving means going through the pain of separation, dealing with guilt and fear, and facing an uncertain future.
But there’s a crucial difference between these two particular paths:
- If you stay and nothing changes, you know exactly what you’re signing up for. You’re committing to the status quo, which means the discomfort you feel now is the discomfort you’ll continue to feel.
- If you leave, the discomfort is temporary. The pain of divorce doesn’t last forever. The guilt can be worked through. The fear of being alone diminishes as you adjust to your new reality and potentially discover that you can be happy on your own or with someone else eventually.
I’m not saying one path is right and the other is wrong. I’m saying that one path involves ongoing, indefinite discomfort, while the other involves intense but temporary discomfort followed by the possibility of something different.
The person who wrote to me mentioned they’re getting older, which makes this decision feel even more urgent. When you’re aware that your time is limited, the question becomes even more pointed.
The question then becomes one of choosing to spend the rest of your life in a relationship where you’re just functioning together, or choosing to take the risk of pursuing something that might bring you greater fulfillment, even if that means being alone.
There’s another layer to this situation that’s worth addressing. When someone is constantly worried about not being good enough, not doing enough, not meeting impossible standards, it’s worth asking whose voice that is in their head.
Most of us weren’t born with an internal critic that tells us we’re failing. That voice came from somewhere. Usually, it came from a parent, a caregiver, or some other authority figure who was impossible to please.
If you can identify whose voice you’re hearing when you beat yourself up, that’s the first step in getting beyond it. Because often, the person whose approval you’re still trying to earn isn’t even in your life anymore, or if they are, they have very limited influence. Yet you’re still organizing your entire life around trying to please them.
Here’s the thing about trying to please someone who’s never satisfied: It’s pointless. There’s no amount of effort that will ever be enough.
With someone like that, you can clean the house perfectly, pay down debt faster, raise well-behaved children with straight A’s, cook spectacularly delicious food, and it still won’t be enough because the person you’re trying to please at a subconscious level is fundamentally unhappy.
When you realize that, it changes everything. You can stop trying to meet an impossible standard and start defining your own standards based on what actually matters to you.
If You Choose To Stay In The Toxic Relationship
Always remember that almost all change requires accountability. If the other person continues behaving in ways that hurt you, and there are no consequences to their behaviors, then they have no reason to change.
This doesn’t mean being punitive or vindictive. It means being clear about what you need and following through when those needs aren’t met. It means saying, “I can’t tolerate this anymore,” and then actually doing something about it when it continues.
Some people can’t do this with their partner. Some relationships are too far gone, or the other person is so resistant to change, that providing accountability only escalates the situation. Or perhaps it’s just too dangerous to make them accountable.
No matter what it is, you have to pick your battles wisely, knowing when you’re dealing with someone who simply isn’t capable of or willing to change.
But if there’s any hope for the relationship at all to improve, it requires the person who’s been hurtful to realize how serious you are. They need to understand that their behaviors have real consequences. Otherwise, they’ll continue doing what they’ve always done because it’s worked for them so far.
Ultimately, the decision you make comes down to what you value most and what you’re willing to accept. If you value financial security and companionship more than daily happiness and emotional safety, staying might make sense for you. If you value your emotional well-being and the possibility of a different future more than maintaining your current lifestyle, leaving might be the right choice.
There’s no judgment either way. These are deeply personal decisions that only you can make for yourself. What matters is that you make the decision consciously, based on your own values, rather than drifting along in indecision because both options feel difficult.
One approach that can help is to imagine yourself five years from now. In fact, imagine you chose to stay in the relationship knowing that nothing will ever change…
What does your life look like?
How do you feel?
Are you at peace with that version of your future?
Now, imagine yourself five years from now if you leave:
What does that life look like?
How do you feel in that scenario?
Neither future is guaranteed to be perfect. But one of them probably resonates more with who you want to be and how you want to live. No one can predict the future of your relationship. Perhaps things will magically change tomorrow and start moving in a good direction!
But that kind of magic only exists with hope: Hope that they will finally understand how awful they’re being and choose to stop mistreating you. And that kind of hope might be something you’ve been clinging onto for a long time.
Of course, anything is possible, but remember what you’ve been getting is what you will get in the future: The trend of the past is almost always the trend of the future.
The person who wrote to me is in therapy, which is helpful. They’re working through these questions with professional support. But even with that support, the decision ultimately rests with them.
No one else can tell you whether your relationship is worth staying in or whether the difficulties you’re experiencing are tolerable. What I can tell you is that “just functioning together” is a low bar for a relationship. It’s survival, not thriving.
And while survival might be necessary for a season, it’s worth asking yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life merely surviving in a relationship or whether you want something more.
You deserve to feel safe.
You deserve to feel valued.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re not constantly walking on eggshells or wondering if you’re good enough.
Whether you find that by staying and setting boundaries, by leaving and starting over, or by choosing some other path entirely, the goal is to make a decision that honors what you value most and gives you the best chance at the life you actually want to live.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
