Sometimes, emotionally abusive people heal and change. But sometimes they just… change.
Either way, when the victim of their behavior gets a “break”, they might discover a lot of buried emotions that are just itching to come out.
I get a lot of really hard stories to digest, and this one hit me in a particular way. A woman wrote to me saying that after years of emotional abuse and neglect from her husband, something shifted. He finally started treating her better after their daughter was born.
Her husband went to therapy, started taking medication, and to her surprise, the abuse decreased! It wasn’t gone completely, but it happened so much less often that it felt like a different relationship.
What caught her off guard was that now that he was doing better, she found herself being the one who was assertive, sometimes aggressive, and occasionally hurtful. She felt guilty about this and wondered if she still loved him. She even questioned whether she was becoming the abusive one.
Her question to me was if I’d ever heard of this happening before.
The answer is: Absolutely. All the time.
In fact, about 75% of the people who join my Healed Being program to stop their emotionally abusive behaviors report the same thing. Their partners, who endured years of mistreatment, suddenly flip a switch. The anger comes out. The resentment surfaces. They won’t take any more crap, and they’re not going to be quiet about it anymore.
This isn’t you becoming abusive. This is you feeling like you’re finally getting your power back.
The Threshold: When Enough is Enough
There’s a point in many abusive relationships that I call the threshold. It’s the final straw. It’s when you’ve absorbed all the hurt, all the criticism, all the manipulation you can possibly hold, and something inside you says, “No more.”
That threshold is like reaching the top of a pressure cooker. You’ve been building up emotional energy for months or years:
All those times you wanted to say something but didn’t.
All those moments you swallowed your anger to keep the peace.
All that pain you pushed down because speaking up only made things worse.
When you finally cross that threshold, all of that held-back energy starts coming out. And it doesn’t come out gently. It comes out with force. As I said earlier, you might express anger and be aggressive. You might find yourself saying things you never thought you’d say, responding in ways that feel foreign to you.
This surge of power you’re feeling isn’t about becoming a bad person. It’s about unlocking yourself from an emotional prison you should never have been in.
Think about it this way. If someone poked you in the forehead every single day for ten years, and then suddenly stopped and said, “Hey, I stopped poking you. You should be happy now,” would you immediately feel better?
This answer is no, of course not. You’d have ten years of anger and frustration to process. You’d need time to reconnect with yourself and figure out who you are without someone constantly poking you.
The person who wrote to me is experiencing exactly this. Her husband has stopped some of the behaviors, though not all of them. That’s giving her breathing room for the first time in years. And in that breathing room, she’s reflecting on everything that happened. She’s thinking about all the ways he hurt her. And she’s remembering all the times she felt small, worthless, and unloved.
With that reflection comes all the emotional energy she’s been holding back. The pendulum has swung to the other side. She’s getting her power back, and with that power comes intense feelings that have been suppressed for far too long.
The problem is that she’s interpreting this as becoming abusive herself.
She’s not. She’s finally able to express what she’s been feeling all along.
The question becomes whether her husband is willing to listen, to truly understand what he put her through, and to give her the space to process it all without becoming defensive.
The Abuser Usually Heals Faster Than the Victim (When the Healing is Real)
This is something that surprises a lot of people, but I see it over and over again in my work. But it’s true: When an emotionally abusive person finally commits to healing and changing their behavior, they often heal faster than the person they’ve been hurting.
If that sounds backwards, let me explain. When someone stops being emotionally abusive, they’re addressing their coping mechanisms. They’re learning about themselves. They’re figuring out why they’ve been making other people’s lives miserable instead of dealing with their own internal challenges.
Their healing means stepping into humility, becoming vulnerable, becoming transparent, and realizing that so much of what they believed to be true was actually wrong.
This process can happen relatively quickly once someone realizes it and commits to changing. Within six months to a year, a person who used to be emotionally abusive but chose to heal their “stuff” can look remarkably different. They stop the harmful behaviors. They learn to question their assumptions. And, of course, they start showing up much differently in the relationship.
But here’s what happens on the other side. The victim of that abuse now has years of pain to process. They’ve been reconditioned to walk on eggshells. And after years of suppressing their own needs and feelings, they’ve learned to disconnect from themselves in order to survive the relationship.
Even when the abusive behavior stops, the victim’s brain is still waiting for it to happen again. They’re still in that defensive posture. They can’t just flip a switch and trust that things are different now. They have to slowly, carefully reconnect with who they are and process all the hurt. And most start looking for what they lost about themselves along the way.
Abusive people often need to heal childhood wounds. Victims of abusive people often need to heal their relationship wounds.
In many cases, both the victim and the abuser have childhood wounds to heal. But the victim of an adult abuser has some very new, very fresh wounds that have often altered their very identity, which is one of the reasons it can take a lot of time to heal.
The really difficult part during this healing process is that the victim can often become angry or upset in ways they never were before. They might want the person who hurt them to understand, at a visceral level, what they put them through. They want them to feel it.
For the person who was abusive and is now trying to change, this can be confusing and painful. They’ve stopped the behaviors. They’re doing the work. They’re trying to be better. And now their partner seems angrier than ever.
But this anger is often necessary. It’s part of the healing process for the person who was hurt. They’re finally in a place where they feel safe enough to express what they’ve been holding back.
The question is whether the person who caused the harm is willing to sit with their anger and listen without becoming defensive, and truly understand the depth of pain they caused.
Some emotionally abusive people, even when they’re healing, struggle with this part. They want their partner to get over it. They want to move forward. They don’t want to keep hearing about all the ways they messed up.
But if they can’t give their partner that space to be angry, to ask questions, to express all the hurt they’ve been carrying, then true healing in the relationship probably won’t happen, unfortunately.
The person who wrote to me is dealing with this exact situation. Her husband has improved, but he’s still doing some of the behaviors. And she’s trying to heal herself while also wanting him to understand what he put her through. That’s an incredibly difficult position to be in.
Getting Closure
When you’ve been hurt for years by someone who was supposed to love you, there’s something deep inside you that needs closure. You need to be heard. You need to be understood. You need the person who hurt you to truly grasp what they did to you.
But this isn’t about revenge. It’s not about making them suffer the way you suffered. It’s about being seen and validated in your pain.
The woman who wrote to me wants her husband to know how much she suffered. She wants him to feel it, to understand it at a level that goes beyond just intellectually knowing he did something wrong. She wants him to sit with the weight of what he put her through.
Unfortunately, getting that kind of closure from the person who hurt you is rare. Most people who have been emotionally abusive, even when they start to change, struggle to fully grasp the impact of their behavior.
They might apologize. They might say they understand. But unless they truly step into humility, vulnerability, and transparency, unless they’re willing to sit with your anger without defending themselves, you probably won’t get the closure you’re looking for from them.
The people who genuinely heal from being emotionally abusive do a few specific things:
- They become humble.
- They stop believing they’re right about everything.
- They start questioning their own assumptions and beliefs.
- When something comes up, and they start to say something with certainty, they catch themselves and think, “I may not be right about this.”
- They also become vulnerable.
- They admit when they’re wrong.
- They acknowledge the harm they’ve caused without making excuses.
- They don’t deflect or blame. They own it.
- They become transparent.
- They’re honest about their thoughts and feelings.
- They don’t hide behind defensiveness or manipulation.
- They let you see them, flaws and all.
If the person who hurt you isn’t doing most or all of these things, then getting closure from them is going to be nearly impossible. They might improve their behavior, but they won’t be able to give you what you need to heal.
That’s why I always tell people in your situation that your focus needs to be on yourself, not on them. You need to figure out what you need to heal inside yourself. Whether you still love this person or not is something you’ll discover along the way, but it can’t be your primary focus right now.
Your focus needs to be on reconnecting with yourself. On processing what happened. On getting your power back. On figuring out who you are without someone constantly making you feel small.
To the person who wrote: If you’re in therapy, that’s great. Use that space to work through your feelings. But don’t spend your energy trying to figure out if you still have romantic feelings for this person. Don’t wonder if the love is still there. That will become clear once you’ve done the work of healing yourself.
You’re Not a Bad Person for Being Angry
The person who wrote to me is not becoming abusive. They are not turning into the person who hurt them.
What they’re experiencing is a natural response to years of mistreatment. They’re finally in a position where they feel safe enough to express what they’ve been holding back. The pendulum has swung, and all that suppressed emotion is coming out.
This is part of the healing process. It’s uncomfortable. It might feel scary. One might not recognize oneself in these moments. But it’s necessary.
To the author of that message: The difference between what you’re doing and what was done to you is intention. Emotional abuse is about control. It’s about making someone else feel bad so you don’t have to deal with your own issues. It’s about exploiting someone’s kindness and compassion to get what you want.
What you’re doing is trying to be heard. You’re trying to process years of pain. And you’re trying to get the person who hurt you to understand what they did.
That’s not abuse. That’s a cry for acknowledgment and validation.
Now, that doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be cruel or hurtful. It also doesn’t mean you should say or do things designed to cause pain.
But being assertive, expressing your anger, refusing to accept bad behavior anymore, those things are healthy. They’re signs that you’re reconnecting with your power and your sense of self-worth.
The guilt you’re feeling is probably coming from the same place that made you vulnerable to abuse in the first place. You’re likely a good person, kind and caring. You don’t want to hurt anyone. And when you express anger or frustration, you immediately worry that you’re being a bad person.
But good people are allowed to be angry.
Good people are allowed to express hurt and frustration.
Good people are allowed to say, “What you did to me was wrong, and I need you to understand that.”
If your partner can’t handle your anger, if they become defensive or try to make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings, then that’s a sign they haven’t really changed.
Someone who has genuinely healed from being emotionally abusive will be able to sit with your anger. They’ll listen. They’ll validate your feelings. They’ll take responsibility without making excuses.
If they can’t do that, then you may never get the closure you’re looking for from them. And that’s when you have to make a decision about what’s best for you.
Your healing has to come from within. It can’t depend on whether this person finally understands what they did to you. It can’t depend on whether they change, improve, or become the partner you always needed them to be.
You have to focus on yourself and reconnect with who you are, processing the pain. You also have to rebuild your sense of self-worth and power.
Once you’ve done that work, once you’ve started the healing journey, you’ll know whether the love is still there or not. You’ll know whether this relationship is something you want to continue or something you need to leave behind.
But right now, in this moment, please know that you’re not a bad person. You’re not becoming abusive. You’re healing. And healing sometimes looks messy, angry, and uncomfortable.
And that’s okay! You’re allowed to be messy. You’re allowed to be angry. And you’re allowed to take up space and demand to be heard.
After everything you’ve been through, you absolutely deserve that.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is a Behavior and Relationship Specialist with experience analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in the mechanics of behavioral change and the identification of hidden manipulation. |
