How do you know when it’s time to instigate a split? If your partner’s behavior leaves you feeling oppressed and defeated, and they refuse to change, and they also don’t want to end the relationship, then what?
I hear from people all the time who are hoping for a miracle in their relationship. They want their partner to wake up one day and suddenly be different. They want the hurtful behaviors to stop, the emotional abuse to end, and the connection they once had to return.
These are good people holding onto hope that things will get better, that their partner will change, and that love will be enough to transform the relationship into something healthy and fulfilling. But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with people in difficult relationships:
Hope without evidence of change is how you stay stuck.
I’m not saying hope is bad. Hope can be a beautiful thing when it’s grounded in reality, when you’re seeing actual progress, actual transformation. But when you’re hoping for change while watching the same hurtful patterns repeat over and over again, that hope becomes the very thing keeping you trapped.
Real change in relationships doesn’t happen spontaneously. It doesn’t happen because you love someone enough, or because you’ve been patient enough, or because you’ve tried hard enough to be understanding.
Emotional and behavioral change requires significant personal transformation. It requires someone to look at themselves, acknowledge their harmful behaviors, and do the hard work of healing the wounds that created those behaviors in the first place. Without that kind of intervention, whether it’s therapy, a comprehensive program, or some other form of deep personal work, relationships tend to stay exactly where they are or get worse.
I created the Healed Being program specifically for people who recognize they’re the ones causing harm and want to change. But I never insist that someone take it. And I don’t usually suggest that victims of emotional abuse encourage their partners to do it, either.
Why? Because the decision to stop being abusive has to come from the person doing the harm. They need to recognize their behaviors, take responsibility, and commit to changing and healing. In other words, they need to do the work. And no amount of hoping, wishing, or praying on your part will make that happen for them. They need to take the initiative.
After The Honeymoon Phase
What happens after the honeymoon period of a relationship is what I might call default behaviors. After a few months in a new relationship, things start to settle. We relax into who we really are when we’re not taken by the excitement of the new relationship, after our partner stops putting their best foot forward.
Default behaviors are what someone does when they’re not actively trying to impress you or win you over. It’s when they settle into their true selves and their patterns of behavior become more “automatic.”
Some automatic responses you might enjoy. Some you might find annoying. But what about the ones that are simply unhealthy or toxic? Those are the kind of default behaviors that often stem from unresolved trauma, childhood wounds, and unhealthy coping mechanisms developed years ago.
Many people who are emotionally abusive don’t start out that way in a relationship. In the beginning, they might be charming, attentive, and loving. They might appear to be everything you’ve been looking for in a partner.
But as the relationship progresses and they start to feel more comfortable around you, or when their stress increases when it wasn’t showing before, or when they feel triggered by something you did or said, that’s when those default behaviors surface. That’s when, in the abusive person, the controlling comments start, the criticism begins, and the manipulation shows up. And soon you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.
The abusive default behaviors aren’t random. They’re deeply connected to how someone learned to cope with difficult emotions as a child. Maybe they grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent who was prone to anger. Maybe they experienced abuse themselves. Maybe they never learned healthy ways to process fear, vulnerability, or pain. As children, they developed survival mechanisms that helped them get through difficult situations.
But childhood coping mechanisms don’t usually work in adult relationships. The ways some people coped as children aren’t meant to be used for healthy, mature, adult connections between equals.
The problem is that most people using these outdated coping mechanisms don’t even realize they’re doing it. They’re operating on autopilot, responding to triggers the same way they did when they were young. When they feel vulnerable, they attack. When they feel scared, they control. When they feel hurt, they withdraw or punish. These are unconscious patterns. And without serious intervention and self-reflection, they usually continue indefinitely.
If your partner’s harmful behaviors stem from unresolved trauma and they’re not actively working on healing that trauma, you need to accept that this is who they are right now.
They may have been capable of restraining these behaviors early in the relationship (because it’s uncommon for a relationship to continue if emotional abuse is evident from the start), but once they felt secure enough to let their guard down, those unseen default behaviors emerged. And unless they do the deep work of addressing the root causes, those patterns almost always continue indefinitely.
Recognizing When Nothing Is Changing
One of the hardest things to accept in a difficult relationship is that your partner isn’t working on their issues. You might see them make promises. You might hear them apologize. They might even acknowledge that they’ve hurt you. But are they actually doing anything different? Are they in therapy? Are they reading books about emotional health? Are they practicing new behaviors? Are they showing you through consistent action that they’re committed to change?
Or are they just saying the right things to keep you around while continuing to treat you the same way?
I want you to look at the long-term trends in your relationship. Don’t focus on individual moments or isolated incidents. Look at the pattern over months and years. Has your partner shown sustained improvement in how they treat you? Have the hurtful behaviors decreased significantly? Do you feel safer, more respected, more valued than you did a year ago? Or are you still dealing with the same issues, still having the same fights, still feeling the same pain?
When someone is truly changing, you see evidence of it.
The evidence might be that their behavior shifts in noticeable ways. Maybe they catch themselves before saying something hurtful. Maybe they’re taking responsibility when they mess up instead of blaming you. Perhaps they’re showing genuine remorse and making amends when they do something hurtful.
A healing and changing person will do the work even when it’s uncomfortable. And you will see the changes because they become someone you don’t recognize. Their changes are visible, tangible. You can feel it in how they treat you.
But if you’re not seeing that, if you’re still hoping, waiting, and wishing for change while nothing is actually improving, you’re in a stagnant relationship. And staying in a stagnant relationship means accepting that this is how things will be indefinitely. In other words, it means accepting that things are not changing and will never change.
It’s important to acknowledge when you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship. It’s also important not to get stuck on the hope that they will change. When you’re stuck on hope, you’re stuck waiting forever. It’s vital you see who they are today, right now.
A person is who they are today, not in the future.
This is where a lot of people get stuck. They focus on potential instead of reality. They remember the good times from early in the relationship and convince themselves that the version they’re witnessing in their partner is the real one, and that this current version is temporary.
But the truth is often the opposite. The person you’re seeing now, with all their hurtful behaviors and patterns, is the real them. The honeymoon version of them was temporary.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying people can’t change. I’ve seen hurtful people make incredible transformations. But those transformations happened because the person doing the harm recognized their behaviors, took full responsibility, and committed to doing whatever it took to heal and grow.
Those people didn’t change because their partner hoped hard enough, stayed long enough, or loved them more. They changed because they decided to change.
How Do I Know When It’s Time To End The Relationship?
That is the question I get asked more than almost any other. So, how do you know if you should keep trying or if you should walk away?
Though I can’t make that decision for you, I can give you some questions to ask yourself that might help bring clarity. First, imagine your partner told you today that they were leaving. Not in anger, not as a threat, but just a calm statement that they’ve decided to end the relationship.
How would you feel about that?
Would you feel devastated?
Would you feel relief?
Would you feel like you’re losing something precious?
Would you feel a sense of freedom?
Answer honestly. If the idea of your partner leaving brings more relief than grief, that’s telling you something important about the state of your relationship. It’s telling you that on some level, you already know this relationship isn’t serving you and that you’re already aware that you’d be better off without it, even if you haven’t fully admitted that to yourself yet.
Another question to ask yourself is, “Do I feel freer or more oppressed in this relationship?”
Healthy relationships should expand your life, not shrink it. You should feel supported in being yourself, in pursuing your goals, in having your own thoughts and feelings, and in having friendships. If you feel controlled, monitored, criticized, or limited, that’s not love. That’s oppression.
Here’s a big question:
Are your needs and happiness being supported equally in this relationship, or are you the only one making sacrifices and accommodations?
In a healthy relationship, both people care about each other’s well-being. Both people make adjustments. Both people consider the other’s feelings and needs. If you’re constantly bending to accommodate your partner’s moods, demands, or limitations while they show no consideration for yours, that’s not a partnership. That’s you serving someone else at your own expense.
I also want you to ask yourself, “Based on the actual trends I’ve observed over time, not on what I hope might happen, is this relationship likely to improve?”
Look at the evidence. Look at what has actually happened, not what you wish would happen. If your partner hasn’t made significant changes in the past year, or two years, or five years, what makes you think they will in the next year?
Hope is not a strategy. Hope without evidence is denial.
And the last, most important question:
If nothing ever changes, if this is as good as it gets, can you live with this for the rest of your life?
I’m not asking you if you can tolerate it. I’m asking if you can truly live with it and be happy. Because that’s what you’re signing up for if you stay. You’re not signing up for the potential future version of the relationship you’re imagining; you’re signing up for the relationship as it exists right now, today.
These questions aren’t easy to answer, I realize. They require honesty with yourself. And that might be painful. But that pain is important. It’s information. If you feel relief at the thought of your partner leaving, and/or you feel oppressed in the relationship, and/or you recognize that your needs don’t matter to this person, then those feelings are telling you the truth about your situation. Listen to them.
I’ve worked with so many people who stayed in relationships long past the point when they knew it was over. They stayed because they were afraid of being alone. They stayed because they’d invested so much time and felt like they were giving up on their investment. They stayed because they didn’t want to admit failure. They stayed because they were still hoping for that miracle.
And I understand all of those reasons. Ending a relationship is scary! The unknown can be terrifying to some. But staying in a relationship that’s hurting you, limiting you, or making you feel small and unworthy, that’s even scarier in the long run.
As I say in every episode of Love and Abuse, you deserve to be in a relationship where you’re treated with respect and kindness. You deserve honesty and sincerity. And you deserve to be treated as worthy and significant. And if your current relationship isn’t giving you those things, and your partner isn’t willing to do the work to change harmful behaviors, then staying is choosing to accept less than you deserve.
I’m not telling you what to do. Only you can make that decision. But I am telling you to be honest with yourself about what’s really happening in your relationship, not what you hope might happen someday.
Look at the evidence. Trust your feelings. And make your decision based on what you are experiencing right now. This doesn’t mean walking out the door. It can, but it doesn’t have to mean that. Sometimes it’s the start of a hard conversation that you need to have.
And if they don’t want to consider your thoughts and feelings and aren’t willing to make changes, that’s the point where a harder, but perhaps life-changing decision may need to be made.
