Sometimes, both people in the relationship are hurtful, controlling, and manipulative. When that’s the case, it’s going to take more than one person stopping the behaviors, and that presents a few challenges in itself.
When someone asks if a mutually abusive relationship can be repaired, they’re really asking if two people who’ve hurt each other deeply can somehow find their way back to something healthy.
Sometimes, both people in the relationship are hurtful, controlling, and manipulative. When that’s the case, it’s going to take more than one person stopping the behaviors, and that presents a few challenges in itself.
When someone asks if a mutually abusive relationship can be repaired, they’re really asking if two people who’ve hurt each other deeply can somehow find their way back to something healthy. I received this email that captures this dilemma perfectly:
“I have been with my now ex-fiancée for several years. We broke up about four months ago. I was very controlling, jealous, and possessive. I would get upset if she went out with her friends or talked to other guys. I realize now that I was emotionally abusive. She also had her issues with jealousy and control, but I think I was worse. We both said and did hurtful things to each other.
“Since the breakup, I’ve been working on myself. I’ve been reading, listening to podcasts, and really trying to understand why I acted the way I did. I want to be a better person. She recently reached out and said she wants to try again, but only if I’ve really changed.
“She also asked me to cosign a lease with her because she can’t afford to live on her own right now. I want to help her and show her I’ve changed, but I’m not sure if getting back together is the right thing to do. Can a relationship like ours be fixed? Can two people who’ve hurt each other really make it work?”
It’s a complicated question because it assumes both people are equally responsible for the dysfunction, which isn’t always the case. Sometimes what looks like mutual abuse is actually one person being primarily abusive while the other reacts to that abuse in unhealthy ways.
The distinction matters because reactive abuse is different from being an abusive person. When someone feels unheard, controlled, or manipulated for long enough, they might eventually resort to the same tactics their partner uses just to be understood. They might yell, call names, or say hurtful things because nothing else seems to work.
The abusive person understands abusive language, so the victim starts speaking that language out of desperation. It’s not right, but it’s understandable. And it doesn’t mean both people are equally abusive.
That said, sometimes both people do bring their own unhealthy patterns into a relationship. Maybe both have unhealed trauma, insecurities, or fears that get triggered constantly.
When that happens, you end up in a cycle where one person’s behavior triggers the other, who then responds in ways that trigger the first person again. It becomes a feedback loop of hurt and defensiveness where nobody feels safe.
The real question isn’t just whether the relationship can be repaired. It’s whether both people are willing to do the deep work required to become different versions of themselves. Because you can’t repair a broken relationship by going back to who you were when you broke it.
Emotional Immaturity Can Fuel the Abuse Cycle
A lot of what drives mutually harmful behavior comes down to emotional immaturity. That’s not meant as an insult. It simply means a lack of exposure to relationship challenges and not enough experience regulating emotions when things get difficult.
When you’re young or haven’t been through many relationships, every challenge can feel like the end of the world: Your girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with you, and you think you’ll never be happy again. Your partner goes out with friends, and you’re convinced they’ll find someone better.
These are extreme, fatalistic thoughts that come from not having survived enough difficult moments to know that life goes on. But as you gain more experience in relationships and life, you learn that challenges don’t mean catastrophe. You learn that your partner spending time with friends doesn’t threaten your relationship. You also learn that disagreements don’t mean the relationship is over. These learning experiences directly increase your emotional intelligence through exposure.
But when you don’t have enough experience, you operate from a place of fear. You see threats everywhere. You try to control situations and people to prevent the worst-case scenario you’ve created in your mind. And that control pushes people away, which creates the very outcome you were trying to avoid.
Jealousy and possessiveness are perfect examples. If you’re insecure and afraid of being abandoned or alone, you might try to control who your partner sees and what they do. You might hold on so tight that they can’t breathe. And when someone feels smothered and controlled, they naturally want distance. Your fear of losing them becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because your behavior makes you less attractive, not more.
In a relationship like that, the person who feels controlled starts to feel unsafe. They can’t be themselves. They’re constantly calculating how you’ll react before they speak or act.
That’s not a relationship. That’s walking on eggshells. And nobody wants to live that way. So when both people are operating from this place of insecurity and fear, triggering each other constantly, the relationship becomes toxic. One person’s jealousy triggers the other’s defensiveness. That defensiveness triggers more controlling behavior. Round and round it goes until both people are miserable.
The only way out is for someone to stop the cycle. And that usually means one person has to change first. But most abusive people really hate the idea of change, so that doesn’t happen until one person decides to take a leap of faith and make different decisions.
Healing the Mutually Abusive Relationship Starts with One Person
Here’s what most people don’t want to hear: You can’t fix a mutually harmful relationship by working on it together. At least not at first. Both people need to step back and work on themselves separately before they can even think about reconciliation.
If you’re the one who’s been controlling, jealous, or manipulative, you need to heal those parts of yourself. You need to understand where those behaviors come from. Usually, they’re rooted in childhood experiences where you learned unhealthy ways of coping with fear and insecurity. Maybe you were neglected or hurt, and you developed survival mechanisms that made sense as a child but don’t work in adult relationships.
The work is to identify those triggers and heal them. When your partner does something that used to make you jealous or angry, you need to be able to pause and ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. What’s the worst-case scenario you’re imagining? Why does that scare you so much? And is it even likely to happen?
When you do that work, you stop reacting from a place of fear. You stop trying to control your partner because you’re no longer terrified of losing them. You become secure enough in yourself that you can let them be who they are.
And here’s the most interesting part (and why healing the relationships starts with one person): When you change, your partner has no choice but to respond differently.
Why? Because if you’re no longer being possessive or controlling, they can’t point to your behavior as the reason for their reactions anymore. At that point, they have to look at themselves.
Hopefully, they’ll see your changes and feel inspired to do their own work. Maybe they’ll realize they’ve been contributing to the dysfunction, too. Or maybe they’ll realize they don’t want to change, and they’ll leave (or stay, not change, and make both of you miserable). Either way, you’ll get clarity.
But if both people stay the same, nothing changes. You can’t meet as the same people you were when the relationship fell apart and expect different results. You have to become new versions of yourselves.
That means taking real time apart. Not a week or two. Maybe months. Or, at least long enough to actually do the work of healing, not just cool off and miss each other. It needs to be long enough that when you imagine the situations that used to trigger you, you don’t feel triggered anymore.
For example, if your partner going out with friends used to make you jealous, you need to get to a place where you can visualize that happening and feel genuinely happy for them, not just okay with it. If you can’t be happy that they’re having fun and connecting with people they care about, if you can’t get to that supportive place, you’re not ready.
The same goes for your partner as well. If your behaviors used to trigger their defensiveness or anger, they need to heal whatever made them react that way. Maybe they have their own insecurities or past trauma that your actions brought to the surface. They need to work through that so they’re not constantly on guard, waiting for you to hurt them again.
This is hard work. It requires honesty, self-reflection, and usually some outside help. But it’s the only way forward if you both want to repair things.
Reconciliation Means Becoming and Meeting as Different People
If you’ve both done the work and you decide to try again, you can’t pick up where you left off. Where you left off was broken. You have to start fresh as the new people you’ve become.
That means having honest conversations about what used to trigger both of you. You need to put everything on the table. If they go out with friends, will you be upset? If you interact with other people you might normally be attracted to, will your partner get jealous? If conflicts come up, will you both resort to yelling and name-calling, or have you learned healthier ways to communicate?
These aren’t comfortable conversations, but they’re necessary. You need to know if the old triggers are still there before you commit to trying again. Because if they are, you’ll end up right back in the same cycle.
The goal is to get to a place where you can both be yourselves without fear. Your partner should be able to have friendships and a life outside the relationship without you feeling threatened. You should be able to exist as a full person without your partner feeling like they have to control or change you.
When you can both do that, when you can let each other be who you are and take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions, that’s when a relationship has a chance.
But here’s the reality: Even if you both take a break and do all the work, and even if you become the healthiest version of yourself, your partner might not want to reconcile. They might have moved on. They might not trust that the changes will last. They might simply not feel the same way about you anymore.
You have to be okay with that possibility. You can’t do this work expecting it to win them back. You have to do it because you want to be a better person, regardless of whether they are in your life or not.
If you’re only changing to get your partner back, you’re not really changing. You’re just performing. And eventually, the old patterns will resurface because you never actually healed the root issues.
The work has to be for you. And if your partner sees those changes and decides they want to try again, that’s a bonus. But it can’t be the goal. The goal of reconciliation should never be the sole reason one wants to change their emotionally abusive behaviors.
If you’ve both done the work and you decide to try again, you can’t pick up where you left off. Where you left off was broken. You have to start fresh as the new people you’ve become.
That means having honest conversations about what used to trigger both of you. You need to put everything on the table. If they go out with friends, will you be upset? If you interact with other people you might normally be attracted to, will your partner get jealous? If conflicts come up, will you both resort to yelling and name-calling, or have you learned healthier ways to communicate?
These aren’t comfortable conversations, but they’re necessary. You need to know if the old triggers are still there before you commit to trying again. Because if they are, you’ll end up right back in the same cycle.
The goal is to get to a place where you can both be yourselves without fear. Your partner should be able to have friendships and a life outside the relationship without you feeling threatened. You should be able to exist as a full person without your partner feeling like they have to control or change you.
When you can both do that, when you can let each other be who you are and take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions, that’s when a relationship has a chance.
But here’s the reality: Even if you both take a break and do all the work, and even if you become the healthiest version of yourself, your partner might not want to reconcile. They might have moved on. They might not trust that the changes will last. They might simply not feel the same way about you anymore.
You have to be okay with that possibility. You can’t do this work expecting it to win them back. You have to do it because you want to be a better person, regardless of whether they’re in your life or not.
If you’re only changing to get your partner back, you’re not really changing. You’re just performing. And eventually, the old patterns will resurface because you never actually healed the root issues.
The work has to be for you. And if your partner sees those changes and decides they want to try again, that’s a bonus. But it can’t be the goal. Reconciliation should never be the sole reason you want to change your emotionally abusive behaviors.
One more thing about reconciliation: Don’t tie yourself to your partner financially or in any other way while you’re separated. For example, if they’re asking you to cosign a lease like the person who wrote me that email, and they’re using language like “if you really loved me, you would do this,” that’s manipulation. It doesn’t matter if they’re doing it consciously or not. It’s still manipulation.
You don’t owe them financial support just because you hurt them in the past. If you want to help because you genuinely want to and you can afford it with no strings attached, that’s one thing. But if you’re doing it because you hope it will make them see how much you care and want to get back together, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.
What happens when they get into another relationship, and you’re still paying for their lease? What happens when you realize they’re never coming back, but you’re stuck in a financial obligation? Don’t put yourself in that position.
The truth is, repairing a relationship where both people have hurt each other is possible, but it’s rare. It requires both people to be willing to look at themselves honestly, do deep healing work, and show up as different people. It requires patience, humility, and a willingness to let go of being right.
Most people aren’t willing to do that. They’d rather point fingers and blame the other person. They’d rather hold onto their version of events and insist they were justified in their behavior.
But if you’re willing to do the work, if you’re willing to take responsibility for your part and heal what needs healing inside you, you’ll become a better partner. Maybe for them. Maybe for someone else. But definitely for yourself.
And that’s what matters most. Not whether this specific relationship can be saved, but whether you can become the kind of person who shows up healthy in relationships. The kind of person who doesn’t need to control or manipulate to feel secure; The kind of person who can let others be themselves and take responsibility for their own emotions.
That’s the real work. And it’s worth doing whether they come back or not.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
