Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like you’re the problem, not them.
In this article, I talk about a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner’s jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.
I got an email recently that I had a very hard time digesting (I get a lot of really hard stories to digest). This email was particularly difficult because there was physical abuse involved.
The person who wrote said that her partner broke her jaw. It’s heart-wrenching to hear this. They’ve had a long relationship, and though she didn’t share too much about their history together, there have been issues. One day, suddenly, he became insecure and started talking about her coworker and how they looked too “buddy-buddy.”
He called her a liar when she said there was nothing going on. She said she didn’t even really know anyone at her work that well. It was ridiculous to me to read that this guy she’s with suddenly turned on her and became this insecure, jealous, possessive person.
What struck me most about this situation was the pattern I’ve seen time and time again. When someone is so insecure that they’re accusing you of behaviors you’re not doing, it often reveals what’s actually going on with them. This is often a projection, one of the most common tactics used by abusers to keep their victims on the defensive.
The Hidden Truth Behind Constant Accusations
Here’s what I’ve learned about projection in relationships. When someone accuses you of lying or cheating or being dishonest, especially when you know for a fact that you’re not doing those things, you need to ask yourself a very important question:
Why would they stay with someone they believe is a liar?
Think about that for a moment. If they truly believed you were lying to them, why would they continue the relationship?
The answer is usually one of two things: Either they don’t actually believe you’re lying and they’re using the accusation as a manipulation tactic to control you, or they’re projecting their own behavior onto you.
Often, it turns out to be both. Someone who is lying or cheating can accuse their partner of doing exactly what they’re doing. It’s a psychological deflection that serves multiple purposes. It keeps you busy defending yourself instead of questioning their behavior. It makes you feel like you’re the problem. And it gives them a sense of righteousness even while they’re doing the very things they’re accusing you of.
When you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly being accused of things you’re not doing, you’re not in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. If someone doesn’t trust you, and you’ve given them no reason not to trust you, then the problem isn’t you. The problem is their own insecurity or their own behavior that they’re projecting onto you.
The person who wrote to me is dealing with someone who became so insecure that he physically hurt her. That’s not just projection anymore. That’s violence. And violence in a relationship is never, ever acceptable.
When someone crosses that line from emotional abuse to physical abuse, the danger level, though already at an all-time high, increases dramatically. Physical abuse often escalates if it’s not addressed. And the person experiencing it needs to prioritize their safety above everything else.
Why Would Anyone Stay With a “Liar”?
If your partner constantly accused you of lying, why would they choose to stay in the relationship? If they really believed you were this terrible liar, wouldn’t it make sense they’d leave?
The fact that they stay in the relationship even though they speak about all these terrible things about you reveals something crucial about what’s really happening. In the case of someone staying in a relationship while constantly accusing their partner of dishonesty, it’s often because they know, on some level, that the accusations aren’t true.
Some people use accusations as a tool, maybe to keep you off balance so you don’t notice their own behavior, or maybe because they’re trying to make you feel grateful that they’re “putting up with you” despite your supposed flaws. Or maybe they’re attempting to drain you of your energy, exhausting it completely because you’re trying to explain to them what they are misunderstanding.
I’ve seen this pattern play out in so many relationships. The abuser creates a dynamic where the victim is always on trial, always having to defend themselves, always having to prove they’re trustworthy. This keeps the victim focused inward, questioning themselves, trying to be better, trying to prove themselves worthy. Meanwhile, the abuser gets to avoid any accountability for their own actions.
The truth is, someone who truly loves you and respects you will trust you unless you give them a real reason not to. And even then, if trust is broken, a healthy person will either work through it with you or leave the relationship. What they won’t do is stay in the relationship while constantly punishing you for something you didn’t do.
The Trauma Bond
One of the most painful aspects of abusive relationships is something called trauma bonding. This is when you feel compelled to stay in an abusive relationship because of emotional attachments that have formed through the cycle of abuse. It’s not love, at least a healthy version of love; it’s a psychological trap that makes you believe you can’t live without the person who’s hurting you.
Trauma bonds form when there are intense emotional experiences, both positive and negative, with the same person. The abuser might hurt you, then apologize and be sweet and loving. They might tear you down, then build you back up. They might isolate you from others, then be the only person who makes you feel special. These ups and downs create a powerful emotional attachment that feels like love but is actually a trauma response.
I’ve talked to so many people who know, intellectually, that they should leave an abusive relationship, but they feel this overwhelming pull to stay. They’ll say things like, “I know he’s not good for me, but I love him,” or “I know she treats me badly, but I can’t imagine my life without her.”
That’s the trauma bond talking. It’s not real love.
Real love doesn’t hurt you.
Real love doesn’t make you question your worth.
Real love doesn’t require you to constantly defend your honesty or prove your loyalty.
The pain of letting go of a relationship where you are experiencing a trauma bond is real and intense. You might feel like you’re losing a part of yourself, or like no one else will ever love you, or like you’re giving up on someone who needs you. These feelings are valid, but they’re not based in reality. Feelings like this are based in the psychological conditioning that the abuse has created.
Breaking free from a trauma bond requires you to separate your identity from the pain inflicted by others.
You are not defined by the abuse you’ve endured, and you are not defined by what this person has made you believe about yourself. You are worthy of love and respect, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and trusted.
Can You Start Healing From Abuse While Still in Danger?
My honest answer to that question is that true healing is extremely difficult, if not impossible, while you’re still being actively abused. It’s like trying to heal a wound while someone keeps reopening it. You might make some progress in your mindset, but you can’t fully heal while you’re still in danger.
That said, I understand that leaving isn’t always immediately possible for everyone. There are financial constraints, safety concerns, children involved, and a million other complications that make leaving a dangerous situation more complex than just walking out the door.
If you’re in a situation where you can’t leave right now, the most important thing you can do is start building your sense of self-worth and start planning for your safety.
Begin the healing process by affirming your self-worth and recognizing that you do not deserve mistreatment. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I do not deserve to be treated this way. I am worthy of love and respect.”
This might feel silly or even impossible at first, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe otherwise. But repeating these truths to yourself is a crucial first step in changing your mindset about what you deserve in a relationship.
I want you to think of yourself as protecting a vulnerable child. Imagine that there’s a small child version of you inside, and that child needs you to stand up for them. Would you allow someone to hurt that child? Would you tell that child they deserved to be abused? Of course not. You would protect that child with everything you have. That’s how you need to think about protecting yourself. You are that child, and you deserve protection.
Healing while still living with an abuser is incredibly challenging because of the mental toll it takes on victims. Every day you’re exposed to someone who tears you down, you have to work twice as hard to build yourself back up. It’s exhausting, and it’s not sustainable long-term. That’s why reaching out for help is so crucial.
Contact domestic violence hotlines for guidance and support. These professionals can help you understand your options, create a safety plan, and connect you with resources in your area. They can provide an objective perspective on your situation and help you see things clearly when you’re too close to the situation to see it yourself.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7, and they can help you navigate the complexities of leaving an abusive partner safely. They have chat and phone available:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Website and chat: https://www.thehotline.org/
Phone number: 800.799.SAFE (7233)
I want to be very clear about something. If someone has physically hurt you once, they will likely do it again. Physical abuse typically escalates over time. To the woman who wrote to me, the person who broke your jaw is capable of doing worse. I know that’s hard to hear, and I know you might want to believe he’ll change or that it was a one-time thing, but the statistics and the patterns don’t support that hope. Your safety has to be your top priority.
Take Care of Yourself. Seriously.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it involves physical violence or emotional manipulation, you need to understand that the abuser’s behavior is not your responsibility to fix. You cannot love someone into changing. You cannot be good enough or patient enough or understanding enough to make them stop hurting you. Change has to come from within them, and it usually requires external intervention like police involvement, therapy, or a program like mine (https://healedbeing.com/).
Accountability is crucial for abusers to change, and victims must ensure their own safety first. I wouldn’t ask you to hold a dangerous person accountable for their behavior. That’s not your job. And trying to do so often puts you in more danger. Your job is to take care of yourself and get to safety.
One of the dynamics I see in abusive relationships is that the abuser often plays the victim. They’ll hurt you, then act like they’re the one who is suffering. They’ll break your jaw, then complain about how stressed they are or how you made them so angry they couldn’t control themselves.
This is manipulation. This is them avoiding accountability. Don’t fall for it. Someone who truly loves you would be horrified if they hurt you, and they would do everything in their power to make sure it never happened again. They wouldn’t make excuses or blame you.
If you are moving forward and away from an abusive relationship, recognize the patterns of abuse, the red flags, so that you never get stuck in a situation like this ever again:
Does this person constantly accuse you of things you’re not doing?
Do they stay in the relationship while claiming not to trust you?
Do they use aggression or anger to shut down conversations?
Do they make you feel like you’re always wrong or always at fault?
Do they isolate you from friends and family?
Do they make you feel like you can’t survive without them?
These (and many others) are all signs of an abusive dynamic.
One important move you can make while either in an abusive relationship or starting to see one develop is to build a strong support system. Stay connected with loved ones, even if the abuser tries to isolate you. Reach out to friends and family and let them know what’s happening. I know that can be scary and embarrassing, but isolation is one of the abuser’s most powerful tools. When you’re isolated, you have no one to give you perspective, no one to remind you of your worth, and no one to help you when things get dangerous.
I don’t want you to be in any type of abusive situation, but if you are, keep your support system close, memorize the domestic violence hotline in case you ever need it, and create a safety plan that includes where you would go if you needed to leave quickly, including taking any important documents you might need, and numbers of people you could call for help.
In many emotionally abusive relationships, you don’t necessarily need a “safety plan.” However, if you feel at all in danger, even just a little, then don’t treat it lightly. Emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse in some cases. It depends on the person abusing. Some are just manipulative. Others are just subtly abusive, making you feel bad and guilty to keep you in a low-power state.
This article focused on the physically abusive relationship. Those are dangerous and need to be treated as such. If you’re in one now, even if you’re not ready to leave, having a plan in place can give you a sense of control and make it easier to act when you’re ready.
Always remember that you are valuable and worthy. You do not deserve to be hurt by anyone. You did not cause someone to be abusive toward you (that’s on them). And you are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help you. There are resources available to support you. And there is a life waiting for you on the other side of this abuse where you can feel safe, respected, and truly loved.
The journey to healing starts with recognizing that you deserve better. It continues with reaching out for help and building your support system. And you move forward when you make the decision to prioritize your own safety and well-being over the abuser’s feelings or the false hope that they’ll change.
You can do this. You are stronger than you know. And you deserve so much better than what you’re experiencing right now.
