It doesn’t make sense that someone who claims to love you would also hurt you. That is, until you understand that some people who hurt others don’t see their behaviors as hurtful at all. They see it as protecting themselves.
Some hurtful people see their behaviors as getting their needs met, making sure things go the way they need them to go so they can finally feel safe, loved, or in control.
The person on the receiving end feels the pain, but the person causing it is often so focused on their own fear or discomfort that they can’t see past it.
This is where emotional abuse gets confusing. You’re trying to make sense of someone’s behavior by assuming they think the way you do. You assume that if they loved you, they wouldn’t say those things or do those things.
Emotionally abusive people do not operate from the same place as most people. They are usually operating from a place of deep insecurity, unhealed wounds, and a belief that if they don’t control the situation, something bad will happen to them.
When someone is emotionally abusive, they’re usually trying to avoid their own pain. Maybe it’s the pain of rejection or a fear of being alone or abandoned. Maybe it’s the terror of feeling powerless or insignificant. Whatever it is, they’ve learned that if they can control you, manipulate your emotions, or make you feel guilty, they can avoid feeling what they don’t want to feel.
That’s not love. It’s fear.
Love doesn’t require you to shrink so someone else can feel bigger. It doesn’t make you question your own reality or feel like you’re always doing something wrong. And it doesn’t punish you for having needs or opinions.
When someone truly cares about you, they want you to feel safe, heard, and valued.
Someone who claims to love you doesn’t need to tear you down to build themselves up.
The hard part is that the person hurting you probably doesn’t see themselves as hurtful. They might even see themselves as the victim. They might genuinely believe that you are the one causing the problems because you won’t just do what they want or be who they need you to be.
In an emotionally abusive person’s mind, they believe that if you would just comply, everything would be fine. They can’t see that what they’re asking for isn’t cooperation. Their fears and insecurities require compliance and submission to feel in control of their lives.
If you’re in a relationship where there’s at least some room for honest conversation, you might try saying something like, “When you say things like that, it makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. I need us to be able to talk without me feeling attacked.”
In a healthier dynamic, a conversation like that might open a door. But if the other person gets defensive, turns it back on you, or tells you you’re too sensitive, that reaction will tell you that they’re not interested in how their behavior affects you. They’re interested in making sure you stop bringing it up.
If communication is already unsafe, saying something like that could make things worse. They might escalate, withdraw completely, or punish you in subtle ways for speaking up. But don’t think that’s you doing anything wrong. That’s them not being able to handle accountability.
Real change looks different. It’s not an apology followed by the same behavior. It’s not someone saying they’ll do better and then blaming you the next time they don’t.
Real change is consistent, calm, and doesn’t require you to keep proving you deserve better treatment. It’s someone who takes responsibility without making you feel guilty for bringing up the problem in the first place.
Most people who hurt the ones they love aren’t doing it because they’re evil. They’re doing it because they’re insecure, and they’ve never learned how to deal with their fears in a healthy way.
This point by no means excuses the behavior. Nor does it require you to become more empathetic or compassionate toward someone who is toxic and hurtful. After all, understanding why someone hurts you doesn’t mean you have to stay and endure it.
You’re not responsible for fixing a toxic, hurtful person, or required to wait around until they figure it out for themselves.
I’m sure you’re not asking for perfection. Most people just want basic respect, kindness, and the possibility to exist in a relationship without feeling like they’re constantly walking on eggshells or second-guessing themselves. That’s not too much to ask! And it should be expected as the bare minimum in any relationship.
This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to pinpoint all the abusive behaviors in your relationship.