They tell you you’re controlling. They say you’re the one who’s manipulative. They accuse you of being selfish, of never thinking about anyone but yourself. And the strangest part? You start to believe them.
This is a form of projection. It’s when someone takes their own behavior and throws it at you like it’s yours. They’re doing the very thing they’re accusing you of, but they’ve convinced you that you’re the problem.
Here are some examples of how it works:
They lie to you repeatedly, then tell you you’re the liar.
They control your time, your money, your choices, then accuse you of being controlling when you ask where they’ve been.
They manipulate you into doing what they want, then say you’re the manipulative one when you finally stand up for yourself.
It’s disorienting because your brain knows the truth, but their accusations make you question everything.
The psychological mechanism is brilliant in its cruelty. When they accuse you of their own behavior, you immediately go into defense mode. You start explaining yourself. You start proving you’re not what they say you are.
And while you’re busy defending yourself, they’ve successfully shifted all attention away from what they’re actually doing. You’re no longer focused on their lies or their control. You’re focused on proving that you’re not a liar or a controller.
Your body knows something is wrong. Your stomach drops when they start in on you. You feel confused, like you’re losing your grip on reality. That’s because you are being made to doubt your own perceptions. That’s them rewriting the story with you as the villain!
Real love doesn’t do this. It doesn’t take its own faults and paste them onto you.
Real love owns its mistakes.
Real love says, “I messed up” instead of “You’re the one who always messes up.”
Real love doesn’t make you question your sanity.
You could try having a conversation. You could say, “When you accuse me of lying, I feel confused because I’ve been honest with you. Can we talk about what’s really happening here?”
But here’s the reality: if they’re projecting, they’re probably not going to suddenly become self-aware. They might get angrier. They might accuse you of more things. They might even turn it around so thoroughly that you walk away feeling like you’re the one who needs to apologize.
You deserve to be with someone who takes responsibility for their own behavior and who doesn’t make you feel crazy for knowing what you know. You want to be around people who own their mistakes instead of handing them to you like they’re yours to carry.
When someone accuses you of what they’re doing, they’re showing you who they are.
Those are the type of people who can’t or won’t look at themselves. And they’d rather make you the problem than face their own behavior.
That’s not your fault. That’s not something you caused. That’s their choice.
Suggested listening: Connecting all the dots of emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior
*This article is for educational purposes. Pick your battles wisely and use The M.E.A.N. Workbook to assess your relationship.