I’ve seen emotionally abusive people heal and become completely different people. You wouldn’t even recognize them!
And when you no longer recognize the person who’s hurt you over and over again, that might be a very good thing.
One of the most common questions I receive is whether someone who’s been emotionally abusive can truly change. The answer is yes, but not in the way most people think.
Real change isn’t just about stopping the bad behaviors or learning to control your reactions. It’s something much deeper, and understanding this difference could save you from wasting years hoping for a transformation that never comes.
I know this because I’ve been on both sides. I humbly admit that I was emotionally abusive in my past relationships. And I’ve also been on the receiving end of that behavior. That dual perspective taught me something crucial about what genuine healing looks like versus what’s just a performance.
When someone asks how long it takes before you can believe an emotional abuser has truly changed, they’re really asking how to tell the difference between authentic transformation and someone just getting better at hiding their dysfunction.
That distinction matters more than almost anything else when you’re trying to decide whether to stay, whether to trust again, or whether there’s any hope at all.
The Moment Everything Shifted
My own journey toward healing and change from being emotionally abusive started with a single question I asked myself during my separation from my ex-wife. I sat alone and forced myself to consider something I’d never truly considered before:
How would I feel if I were her, dealing with my comments and the way I looked at her? How would it feel to be on the receiving end of my mopey silence, my guilt trips, my disapproval every time she made a decision I didn’t like?
That one step into empathy was the first step that changed everything. For the first time, I felt just a fraction of what she experienced throughout our entire marriage. The realization hit me so hard I felt physically sick. I finally got it: I was hurtful to someone who didn’t deserve it.
The shame and guilt were immediate and overwhelming. I thought, How could I do this to someone I claimed to love?
That moment became the catalyst for everything that followed. I made a commitment right then that I could never be that person again. I didn’t yet understand what was causing these behaviors, but I knew I needed to address something fundamental inside myself.
I refused to enter another relationship until I figured this out. I didn’t want to bring this emotional virus into the next person’s life. I felt pathetic and disgusting. I was that person, the emotional abuser, who hurt the people he loved, and I hadn’t even realized it until that moment.
My healing process took years because emotional triggers don’t announce themselves all at once. They sneak up on you. You think you’ve dealt with something, and then suddenly you discover another layer that still needs work.
But that’s actually good, because as the emotionally abusive person heals, they should want to discover what causes them to behave the way they do – these old triggers that lie dormant in there until they are activated – and if they aren’t dealt with, they’ll end up ruining relationships and keeping them in a constant low-level state of activation.
Today, I’m a completely different person. I look back at who I used to be and don’t even recognize that person. I feel calmer and more peaceful than I’ve ever felt.
When I reflect on who I used to be, I see an insecure, desperate man who may have had many good qualities, but none of that mattered because my behaviors chipped away at my partners’ self-worth and happiness, and disintegrated love and connection.
An emotionally abusive person can be wonderful ninety-nine percent of the time, but even one percent of toxic, destructive behavior destroys relationships and damages people who don’t deserve it.
What’s interesting is that when I started healing at the end of my previous marriage, my wife at the time noticed the changes immediately. She told me I was different, that she didn’t recognize me. She could see, feel, and hear the difference.
This is what happens when someone truly heals from being emotionally abusive. They don’t just modify their behavior. They become a different person. They don’t react the same way, they talk differently, and support you in ways you don’t expect. And the changes aren’t an act or performance. You will actually observe and experience a fundamental shift in who they are.
But here’s the complication that many people don’t anticipate. Even though she could see I had changed, even though the transformation was real and immediate, she had already sealed her heart from me. She lost the love she had, and there was no turning back for her.
And that brings us to an uncomfortable truth about timing and consequences.
When Change Comes Too Late
By the time I had my breakthrough and started genuinely healing, my ex-wife had reached what I call her threshold. She was no longer willing to tolerate the behavior that had characterized our relationship. She had locked the door to her heart tight, and I no longer had access to it in the way I once did.
This is what happens with people who’ve been exposed to emotionally abusive behavior for an extended period: They eventually seal their heart shut like Fort Knox, and there’s no going back. The person who hurt them loses access, and in many cases, that protection mechanism is absolutely necessary and healthy.
She still cared about me and loved me, but in a different way. The in-love feeling was gone. There was nothing but self-protection there. She needed to keep herself from getting any more hurt.
At the time, I couldn’t see how good this was for both of us. It was good for her for obvious reasons, but it was incredibly difficult for me because, at the time, I still had a lot of healing to do around my insecurities. My fears and insecurities were driving my abusive behaviors, and her leaving activated all of them.
But, in the end, I had no choice but to accept what was happening. That acceptance was part of my growth.
Learning to honor someone else’s choice, even when that choice means losing them, is part of what it means to truly love someone.
We left each other on cordial terms, which I consider a good way to part. The last time I saw her on social media, she looked happier than ever in a new relationship, and I was genuinely happy for her. She deserves a relationship worthy of the love, care, generosity, and support she’s capable of giving.
This raises a question I don’t have a simple answer for:
Should someone who has healed from being emotionally abusive reach out to their past partners to apologize or wish them well?
That’s tricky because some people who have moved on don’t want to hear from the person who hurt them. Then there are those who might appreciate an apology that acknowledges the harm done and takes full responsibility without expecting anything in return.
I don’t necessarily recommend a former emotionally abusive person reaching out to their past partners, but I also don’t recommend against it, either. It just depends entirely on the specific situation and people involved.
What I do know is that if someone from my past ever called me out, telling me I was awful and abusive and didn’t deserve their respect, I would say, “You’re absolutely right.” I would honor their comments about me because I did hurt those people.
And if they choose not to accept who I am today, that’s their right. I’ll never try to change someone’s mind or convince them I’m not that person anymore. I would rather they come to that conclusion themselves.
That acceptance of consequences is itself a sign of genuine change. The old version of me, driven by fear of abandonment, would have desperately tried to convince people to stay, to believe in me, to give me another chance. Not being driven by fear and insecurities anymore, if someone wants to be with me, if someone chooses not to be with me, I honor their decision. And this shift in response represents something fundamental about what real healing looks like in the emotionally abusive person.
The Difference Between Behavior Change and True Healing
When someone asks how to tell if an emotional abuser has truly changed, they need to understand that behavioral modification alone isn’t enough. Someone can learn to stop yelling, stop being overtly critical, stop engaging in obvious manipulation tactics, and still not be healed. They might just be getting better at hiding their dysfunction or controlling their reactions without addressing the underlying issues.
True healing for the abusive person means they become a different person at a fundamental level. They don’t just manage their triggers, they process and resolve them so they are no longer in a reactive space all the time.
They also develop genuine empathy instead of just an intellectual understanding of how their behavior affects others. And they own their past, what they’ve done, how they’ve hurt others, completely without defensiveness or justification.
When I talk about what I own in my own past, it means I fully accept that I was critical, judgmental, selfish, righteous, and even had narcissistic tendencies. I was highly insecure and fearful, so I needed things to go my way. I believed if they didn’t, it felt like emotional death. Those insecurities drove me to try to control my partner’s actions, to be judgmental, and to manipulate situations so I could feel secure.
I speak about all of this with no pride. I feel awful for how I treated my past partners. But I also speak about who I was with complete ownership. I don’t make excuses or try to explain it away. I don’t say I was going through a hard time or that someone else triggered me, or make any excuses.
I did those things.
I was wrong.
And the people I hurt didn’t deserve that treatment.
And I hope that if an emotionally abusive person is reading this right now, they understand that taking ownership of their past and present behaviors is part of the healing process. It is probably one of the top ten most important steps to take toward healing.
However, taking ownership is rare in people who claim to be changing. More often, you’ll hear things like “I know I did some things wrong, but so did you!” or “I’m working on my issues, but you do this and this and this…”
Those “qualifiers” and deflections signal that someone hasn’t truly accepted responsibility. They’re still operating from a defensive position, still trying to spread the blame around, and still protecting their ego.
Someone who has genuinely healed will also show a dramatic difference in how they handle conflict and disagreement. They won’t turn everything back on you. They won’t make you feel responsible for all the relationship problems. They won’t refuse to apologize or reflect on their role in difficulties.
Instead, they’ll say things like “I hate that we’re going through this. Let’s figure this out together.” They’ll be willing to be humble, vulnerable, and transparent. They’ll go to what I call “the dark side” for an emotional abuser, which is admitting they might be wrong about almost everything they’ve believed themselves to be right about.
That humility feels very uncomfortable for someone who’s been emotionally abusive. It’s a foreign concept, an unknown territory that requires real vulnerability. But willingness to go there indicates potential for genuine change.
The person who has truly healed also won’t panic when you set boundaries or make decisions they don’t like. The old version of me would have tightened my grip, found ways to make my partner feel guilty, and manipulated the situation to maintain my control.
The healed version of me accepts my partner’s autonomy and honors their choices, even when those choices don’t align with what I want.
Again, most people who abuse are deeply insecure. They typically don’t hurt others unless they have unresolved fears, usually around abandonment or rejection. Those insecurities make them hold on so tightly to the people they’re supposed to let be free. So letting go feels life-ending. And they can become more controlling when they sense they’re losing that control.
Healing for them requires them to start feeling more secure in themselves. An abusive person will feel triggered by any threat of you leaving (even just their perception of a threat), which causes them to find more ways to keep you in their life, whether you like it or not.
When you’re in a relationship like that, you are more of a survival mechanism for them instead of an equal partner. You’re not someone who can live freely and make your own decisions. You’re someone who must be controlled to manage their internal anxiety.
When the abusive person starts to heal from this pattern, they develop the ability to feel secure within themselves. They no longer need to control you to feel okay. They can handle the uncertainty of not knowing exactly what you’re thinking or doing. They can tolerate the possibility that you might leave without resorting to manipulation or abuse.
If you think this is a good thing, you’re 100% right.
The Question That Answers If They’ve Really Changed
When someone hurts you, here’s the question you need to ask to help you determine without a doubt if they’re capable of change:
Do you realize that what you’re doing or saying is hurtful?
This question matters because it forces acknowledgment. Even if they should already know, even if you’re crying and obviously hurt, asking that question explicitly lets them know that you know they know. In other words, if they say Yes or No to that question, and they hurt you again, they know they’re hurting you.
A lot of emotionally abusive behavior happens because people pretend they don’t realize they’re being hurtful. They want to continue getting away with what they’re doing, so they act oblivious. Asking the above question directly removes that plausible deniability.
If they say they didn’t realize it, their next words should be something like “I’m so sorry. I need to stop doing that. I need to figure out why I do that because I never want you to feel that way again.”
That response indicates a willingness to change.
If they say yes, however, and they do realize they’re being hurtful, and then they follow up with justifications or turn it back on you, that tells you everything you need to know. That tells you that they’re making a conscious choice to hurt you. After you’ve made them aware, any continuation of the behavior becomes fully conscious and deliberate.
Again, either way, after they answer that question with a yes or no, they know they’re hurting you.
Now, if they don’t answer that question at all, and instead deflect it by putting the spotlight back on you, that’s functionally the same as saying yes. It just means they’re refusing to take responsibility, refusing to reflect on their role, and refusing to address their hurtful behavior. That refusal is itself an answer.
Once someone knows they’re hurting you and continues anyway, nothing you do or say will change that. They’ve already made their decision. They’re choosing to hurt you every single time they engage in that behavior.
You can’t work with someone who refuses to answer for their actions, who refuses to treat you with respect and kindness, and who doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
You only suffer with someone like that. And suffering with someone who’s supposed to love you isn’t something anyone should accept. This is why I teach the concept of introducing loss in a relationship with a difficult person.
The only time I’ve consistently seen emotionally abusive people become humble is when they face the loss of control over you and the loss of you from their life.
When you introduce loss, you’ll see one of several responses. Some panic and promise to change. Whether they mean it varies. Others genuinely realize the seriousness of the situation and commit to looking within and reflecting on their behavior. Those people may make real changes.
Then there are those who change for a few days or weeks, but then revert back to who they were.
Others still may respond with apathy or even hostility. They’ll tell you that you’re losing the best relationship of your life, that they never really loved you anyway, that no one else will ever love you, etc. All BS lies just to make you feel bad and afraid to leave. The irony is that anyone who says that is typically incredibly insecure and wants to control you precisely because they fear losing you.
Their version of love included keeping you in their life to make themselves feel secure. That’s not love. That’s using another person as an emotional security blanket.
A message to the emotionally abusive person who may be reading this right now:
I want you to know that change is possible. I’ve done it. I’ve lived it. Thousands of people who’ve gone through The Healed Being Program have also done it and lived it. But it requires genuine commitment to looking within, processing your insecurities, understanding your triggers, and developing real empathy. I walk you through all of that and so much more in the program.
Healing means accepting that you’ve hurt people who didn’t deserve it. It means feeling that shame and guilt and using it as motivation to become someone different, not just someone who behaves differently. It means years of work, of discovering triggers you didn’t know you had, of learning to respond rather than react.
The result is worth it. You become calmer, more peaceful, more secure within yourself. You stop walking around in that low-level state of constant activation. You develop the capacity to truly love people by letting them be free, by supporting their happiness even when it doesn’t align with what you want, by honoring their choices even when those choices mean losing them.
You owe it to yourself and everyone you’ll ever be in a relationship with to do that deep work. Not just for them, but for you. Because living with that level of insecurity and fear is its own kind of suffering, and you deserve to be free from it just as much as your partners deserve to be free from your hurtful behavior.
The path forward requires honesty, humility, and genuine commitment to change. It requires accepting that some relationships may be beyond repair, that some people may never trust you again, and that those consequences are fair and reasonable. It requires building a new version of yourself from the ground up, one that doesn’t need to control others to feel okay.
That’s what real healing looks like. Anything less is just a performance that will eventually crack under pressure, leaving everyone worse off than before.
A message to the victim of emotionally abusive behavior:
If you’re wondering whether to stay with someone who claims to be changing, trust your gut. If something feels off, if their words don’t match their actions, if you sense incongruence between what they say and how they show up, that feeling is telling you something important.
True change is unmistakable. It’s night and day. It’s the difference between someone managing their behavior and someone who has fundamentally transformed who they are.
You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t need to manage their behavior around you, who naturally treats you with respect and kindness, who wants to see you happy and supports your autonomy.
You deserve someone who has done the work to heal their insecurities rather than making you responsible for managing them.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is a Behavior and Relationship Specialist with experience analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in the mechanics of behavioral change and the identification of hidden manipulation. |
