When someone hurts you and then turns around and tells you that you’re the problem, it creates a confusing reality where up becomes down and wrong becomes right. This is one of the most disorienting aspects of emotional abuse because it makes you question your own perception of what’s happening.
The person hurting you might say things like “You’re too sensitive,” or “You made me do this,” or “If you would just stop doing that, I wouldn’t have to react this way.” They’re essentially taking their hurtful behavior and making it about something you did or didn’t do. This shifts the focus away from their actions and puts it squarely on you.
This happens because the person doing the hurting doesn’t want to take responsibility for their behavior.
Taking responsibility would mean admitting they’re causing harm, and that might require them to change. It’s much easier for them to point at you and say you’re the reason they act the way they do. When they make you the problem, they get to stay exactly as they are without having to look at themselves.
What makes this so effective as a manipulation tactic is that it works. When someone you care about tells you repeatedly that you’re the problem, you start to believe it. You start monitoring your own behavior, walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect so they won’t get upset. You become focused on fixing yourself instead of recognizing that their behavior is the actual issue.
The truth is that no matter what you do or don’t do, you are not responsible for someone else’s choice to hurt you. They have control over their words and actions. If they choose to yell, belittle, manipulate, or harm you in any way, that’s their choice. Your behavior doesn’t cause their abuse. Their inability or unwillingness to regulate their own emotions and communicate in healthy ways causes their abuse.
When you find yourself constantly apologizing, constantly trying to be better, constantly feeling like you’re failing, it’s time to ask yourself if you’re really the problem or if you’ve been convinced you’re the problem.
There’s a big difference. One is about taking responsibility for actual harmful behavior. The other is about accepting blame for someone else’s harmful behavior.
You deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings matter, where you’re not blamed for someone else’s hurtful actions, and where you’re treated with respect even during conflict. If the person in your life can’t or won’t do that, it’s not because you’re defective. It’s because they’re choosing not to.
Helpful episode related to this topic: The Turn-Around Game
