The emotionally abusive relationship is confusing and draining. If you don’t get a grip on what’s going on, you may start to believe perhaps you are the problem and they are a saint.

This kind of faulty thinking comes up a lot in my work with people in difficult relationships. It’s such a common experience for those who’ve been the victim of emotionally abusive behavior.

Before I continue, please note that when I use the words “abuser” or “victim,” I’m not trying to define anyone or put them in a box. I use these words because they’re faster and easier than saying “the person doing hurtful behavior” and “the recipient of hurtful behavior” every single time. These labels are just shorthand for complex behaviors and dynamics, not permanent definitions of who someone is as a person.

Victims of emotionally abusive behavior are the ones who primarily listen to my Love and Abuse podcast and also read articles like this. But there are also the emotional abusers who tune in because they want to learn about their own behaviors as well.

Unfortunately, there are abusive people who might read articles like this, learning everything they can about emotional abuse, just so they can use what they learned as argument points to justify their own behaviors. After all, if they can justify why they do what they do, they can keep their power over others.

However, there are also people who tune in to my podcast or read these articles who genuinely want to understand if they’re being hurtful or not. Some victims believe they are the abuser, so they try to find resources to help them change.

Here’s what I’ve learned after years of doing this work:

An emotionally abusive person, someone who is controlling and manipulative, and doesn’t care about the impact of their behavior, almost never questions whether they’re the abuser or not. They don’t sit around wondering if they’re the problem. They don’t listen to podcasts about emotional abuse, trying to figure out if they’re doing something wrong. They’re simply too busy blaming everyone else and making sure their version of reality is the only one that matters.

A true emotional abuse victim, on the other hand, is constantly questioning themselves. They’re always wondering if they’re doing something wrong, if they’re the problem, if maybe they are the abusive one.

The reason this happens is partly because the abusive person spends so much time and energy making the person they’re hurting question their own reality, their own perceptions, and their own worth.

It’s also because victims tend to be more self-reflective. They care about being good people and not hurting others. So when someone tells them that they are the problem, they almost always reflect and consider that possibility.

I received a message from someone who was struggling with exactly this confusion. They wrote about a past relationship where their partner had been emotionally abusive. The relationship ended, but now they were encountering this same person at work and feeling all kinds of confusion about what had happened between them. They were questioning whether maybe they themselves had been the abusive one all along.

What stood out to me immediately in their message was the gaslighting they were experiencing. Their ex was sending mixed messages, doing things that seemed kind on the surface but were actually manipulative.

For example, the ex would do small favors or make gestures that looked generous, but these weren’t accompanied by any real communication or clarity about what they meant. These are what I call breadcrumbs – little bits of attention or kindness that keep you confused and hoping, but never enough to actually nourish you or move things forward.

The person who wrote to me felt immature for not reciprocating these gestures. They felt like they should be grateful, like they should respond in kind. But here’s what I told them: You’re not immature for not reciprocating. You’re protecting yourself. Those breadcrumbs aren’t about kindness or genuine care. They’re about keeping you off balance, keeping you wondering, keeping you available for whenever the other person decides they want your attention again.

This is a classic manipulation tactic. The abusive person does something that seems nice, something that makes you feel like maybe you were wrong about them, like maybe they’ve changed, or maybe things could be different. But they don’t actually communicate clearly. They don’t have an honest conversation about what they want or where things stand. They just drop these little breadcrumbs and watch to see if you’ll follow the trail back to them.

If someone genuinely cares about you and wants to reconnect or make amends, they’ll be direct. They’ll have a real conversation. They’ll say what they mean and mean what they say. They won’t play games with vague gestures and mixed signals.

Clear communication is a sign of respect. Breadcrumbs are a sign of manipulation.

The person who wrote to me not only had to deal with an ex, but they had to deal with their ex in their work environment, which added another layer of difficulty. They were worried about how to handle these encounters… should they be friendly? Should they be “rude” by keeping their distance?

To this person, let me tell you that you don’t owe anyone access to you, especially not someone who has hurt you. Being professional and civil in a work environment doesn’t mean you have to be friends. It doesn’t mean you have to engage beyond what’s necessary for work. You can be polite without being available. And you can be respectful without being vulnerable.

One of the most important things I’ve learned about healing from an abusive relationship is that you have to protect your own boundaries. You have to honor your own feelings and your own need for safety.

If being around someone you used to be in a relationship with makes you uncomfortable, if their gestures confuse you, if you feel yourself getting pulled back into old patterns, you have every right to maintain distance. And in a work environment, you have every right to keep things strictly and only professional, if that’s what you’d prefer. You also have every right to say no to anything that doesn’t feel safe or healthy for you.

“Am I Abusive?”

One of the most important indicators that one is not an abusive person is that someone like that doesn’t typically engage in the kind of self-reflection that leads to real change. They might say they’re going to change, they might even go through the motions of therapy or reading self-help books, but real change requires something deeper. It requires genuine humility. It requires the person to accept that they have a problem and that their behavior has hurt someone they say they care about.

I know what it takes to change because I was emotionally abusive in my past relationships. I was controlling, critical, and judgmental. I made my problems everyone else’s problems.

In the past, if I were triggered by something my partner was doing, I would try to make them change instead of working on myself. I couldn’t accept that we might not even be compatible, so instead of allowing them to be who they are, I would make them feel bad for not being who I wanted them to be.

My shift came when I finally took full responsibility. It was when I finally accepted that if I have a problem with someone, it’s my problem, not theirs. That was huge for me. I used to make my problems their problems all the time. If I were upset about something they were doing, I would try to control, manipulate, and make them change.

An emotionally abusive person doesn’t accept the person they claim to love as they are.

After I started my healing journey, it took several months to go through my transition – to really shift into taking full responsibility. And here’s the thing that people don’t always understand about healing from being abusive: It’s not a one-and-done thing. It’s not like you go to therapy for a few months, or read a book, or take a course, and then you’re fixed. Healing is ongoing. It’s a lifelong commitment to staying aware, staying humble, and continuing to work on yourself.

When someone who has been abusive claims they’ve changed, you have to look at their behavior over time. Real change shows up in consistency, humility that doesn’t fade, and a continued willingness to look inward when problems arise.

Remember that your healing process is separate from theirs. They could heal and change their behaviors in days or weeks, but it might take you many months to start healing from all the damage over the years.

This is just what happens, unfortunately. Almost always, the abuser who is truly healing will change faster than the person they hurt can heal. This is difficult for victims of abusive behavior who want to continue the relationship, but it’s a reality that must be accepted and respected by the healing abuser. If you are with a healing/former abuser and they are impatiently waiting for you to heal so the relationship can get “back on track,” then be aware that you may still be in a controlling or manipulative situation.

When The Abuser Starts Showing Change, Then Becomes Abusive Again

I received another message from someone whose husband had gone through my Healed Being program. At first, things seemed to improve! She told me he seemed different. She saw him being humble and taking responsibility. He seemed genuinely sorry for how he had treated her.

But then, gradually, things started to shift back to the way they were. His humility disappeared. His arrogance returned. He started blaming her for things again. He also said that since he did the Healed Being program, it was proof that he was fine and that she was the problem.

This is what happens when someone goes through the motions of change without actually committing to the ongoing work of healing. They might learn the right things to say. They might understand intellectually what they need to do. But if they don’t maintain that humility, if they don’t continue to work on themselves, if they start to believe they’re fixed, they will slide back into old patterns and the emotionally abusive behaviors will return. They might look a little different this time around, they might be “packaged” differently, but the core dynamic will be the same.

Again, real, lasting change looks like consistency over months and years, not just weeks!

The symptoms of real change in a healing emotional abuser:

• Continued humility
• A willingness to look inward when problems arise
• Understanding and accepting that the person they’ve hurt will likely take much longer to heal
• Accepting that trust is rebuilt slowly through actions, not declarations
• Staying in the work when it’s hard, even after they start feeling better
• Taking responsibility when old patterns creep back in instead of denying them
• Recognizing that healing isn’t linear and they might still have triggers and slip-ups
• Being okay with you having boundaries and fears without getting defensive or angry about it
• Understanding that if you’re afraid of them, that’s about their behavior, not proof that you’re the problem.

In case I haven’t said this yet:

You are not the problem.

I want to say that clearly. If you’re the person questioning whether you might be abusive, if you’re the person who feels guilty and confused and worried that maybe you’re “the bad guy,” chances are you’re not. The person who is truly abusive doesn’t question themselves like that. They don’t care enough to wonder. They’re too busy protecting their own ego, their own version of reality, their own need to be right.

What If You Are The Problem?

Now I’ll speak directly to those who might actually be doing abusive behaviors. If you’re reading this and you recognize yourself in the descriptions of an abusive person, and you see your own behaviors reflected back at you, I want to challenge you.

The challenge I want to present to you is to be honest with yourself about what you’re doing and why. One of the hardest parts of healing for an abusive person is to realize that maybe the problem isn’t everyone else and to accept that they are the cause of the problems in the relationship.

This might be hard to hear for some. I know because I had to hear it myself! I had to face the fact that I was the common denominator in all my failed relationships and that my behaviors were driving people away. I was hurting people I claimed to love. But that’s not loving. And when I finally figured that out, it was a painful but absolutely necessary realization that I hurt people who didn’t deserve it, and that I needed to change. It was humbling. And it was also the beginning of my real healing.

If you’re doing abusive behaviors, you can change. But it’s going to require genuine commitment and humility. It also requires that you accept that the healing journey for you is going to be ongoing work for the rest of your life.

Healing from lifelong behaviors takes time. You don’t get to do a program or go to therapy for a few months and then declare yourself fixed. And, you especially don’t get to use your progress as a weapon against your partner (or any person you’ve hurt). In other words, you can’t say, “I’ve changed. So what’s taking you so long to heal and get back in the relationship? I’ve done the work, why aren’t you over what I did to you yet?”

If the victim wants to return to the relationship, trust rebuilds on their timeline, not the abuser’s.

The bottom line is that when someone has been abusive and then claims to have changed, the person they’ve hurt needs time to heal. They need time to feel safe again. They need time to rebuild trust. And that timeline is theirs to set, not yours.

If you’ve been abusive and you’re genuinely committed to change, you’ll respect that. You’ll understand that your needs and wants don’t take priority right now. The pendulum has been on your side for too long. Now it needs to swing back to give the other person space to heal.

In a romantic relationship, this means:

You don’t get to pressure them for affection, intimacy, or reassurance.
You don’t get to make them feel guilty for being afraid of you or for needing distance.
You don’t get to act like their healing is taking too long or that they should be over it by now.

If you truly care about them, if you truly are changing, you’ll give them the space and time they need without complaint.

Healthy love is about acceptance and understanding.
It’s about allowing your partner to be themselves without pressure.
It’s about mutual respect and patience.
It’s not about getting what you want when you want it.
It’s not about controlling someone else’s timeline or feelings.
And it’s not about making everything about your needs.

When you make decisions based on fear, when you pressure someone because you’re afraid of losing them, when you can’t handle their need for space or time, that’s not love. That’s selfishness. That’s insecurity. And it’s exactly the kind of behavior that destroys relationships and hurts people.

I’ve been in the same great relationship since 2015. And one of the things that has made it work is that I remind myself constantly that if I have a problem with something my partner is doing, it’s my problem, not hers. And I can either accept her as she is, or I can decide I can’t accept her as she is and leave.

The one thing I cannot do, however, is decide not to accept her as she is, and stay in the relationship while making her miserable by constantly complaining or trying to change her. That’s not fair to either of us.

This is one of the four choices I talk about in this article on judgment in relationships. Accept and stay, accept and leave, reject and stay, or reject and leave. If you accept the person and stay in the relationship, you can’t complain about them. You’ve made the choice to accept them as they are. If you can’t accept them, you either need to leave or you need to recognize that staying means you’re choosing to make both of you miserable.

Most people end up rejecting and staying, which is why abusive behavior is so prevalent. The abusive person can’t accept their partner’s behavior, but they don’t want to leave, so they stick around and complain and criticize and try to change them. This creates a toxic dynamic that hurts everyone involved. It’s not sustainable. It’s not healthy. And it’s not fair.

If you’re questioning whether you’re the abusive one, look at your willingness to reflect. Look at your willingness to change. Look at whether you’re taking responsibility for your behavior or blaming everyone else. And look at whether you’re respecting your partner’s boundaries and timeline or pressuring them to give you what you want.

The person who is truly abusive doesn’t engage in this kind of honest self-reflection. They might go through the motions, but they don’t really change at the core level. They don’t maintain humility. They don’t respect boundaries. They don’t accept responsibility when things go wrong. They blame. They manipulate. And they control.

If you’re the victim, you need to trust your feelings. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If someone’s behavior is confusing you, making you question your reality, making you feel crazy, that’s gaslighting. That’s manipulation. You’re not imagining it. You’re not being too sensitive. You are not the problem.

You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued. You deserve clear communication, someone who takes responsibility for their behavior, someone who respects your boundaries and your timeline, and someone who doesn’t play games or drop breadcrumbs, making you question your own reality.

If you’re not getting those things and if you’re constantly confused and hurt and questioning yourself, that’s data about the relationship and the person you’re with. Pay attention to it. Trust it. Honor it.

And if you’re the person doing the hurtful behaviors and you recognize yourself in these descriptions, please take responsibility. Please do the work. Please commit to real, ongoing change. Not because someone is making you, but because you genuinely want to be a better person, and because you care about not hurting people and want to have healthy, happy relationships.

The work is hard and ongoing. But it’s worth it. I know because I’ve done it. I know because I’ve seen thousands of people go through my Healed Being program and transform their lives and relationships. Real change is possible. But it requires genuine commitment, ongoing humility, and a willingness to keep working even when it’s hard, even when you think you’re better. And accepting that even when you want to be done, there’s more.

The truth is that you’re never done. Healing is a lifelong journey. But if you commit to it, if you stay humble, if you keep working, you can become the person you want to be. You can have the relationships you want to have and stop hurting the people you love.

And if you’re the victim, please know that you deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve honesty and sincerity. You deserve to be accepted exactly as you are. You’re not crazy, and you’re not the problem.